PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 18

On this day in 1502, Christopher Columbus lands at Honduras on his fourth, and final voyage.

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On this day in 1793, the first cornerstone of the Capitol building is laid by George Washington.

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On this day in 1830, a horse beats the first American-made steam locomotive in a race near Baltimore, Maryland. In a number of alternate universes, this single event puts an ignominious end to the Industrial Revolution, after which we all return to the wild, eating poison mushrooms and berries, mating with whomever we can overpower, and living to a ripe old age of about thirty or so before being eaten alive by wolves. I know, I know… the grass is always greener!

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 On this day in 1850, the U.S. Congress passes the Fugitive Slave Law of 1850. It's pretty gross.

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On this day in 1851, the New York Times publishes its first edition. Unfortunately, yer old pal Jerky picked up this piece of information from the New York Times, so he can't really vouch for its veracity.

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On this day in 1870, Old Faithful Geyser is observed and named by Henry D. Washburn during the Washburn-Langford-Doane Expedition to Yellowstone.

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On this day in 1885, riots break out in Montreal to protest against compulsory smallpox vaccination.

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On this day in 1895, Daniel David Palmer gives the first chiropractic adjustment.

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On this day in 1919, Fritz Pollard becomes the first African-American to play professional football for a major team, the Akron Pros.

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On this day in 1927, the Columbia Broadcasting System – or CBS – goes on the air only to be (possibly) Destroyed under the ownership of David Ellison, using his daddy's money.

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On this day in 1934, the USSR is admitted to League of Nations.

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On this day in 1939, the Nazi propaganda broadcaster known as Lord Haw-Haw begins transmitting.

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On this day in 1947, the National Security Council and the Central Intelligence Agency were established in the United States under the National Security Act. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CIA!

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On this day in 1948, Margaret Chase Smith of Maine becomes the first woman elected to the US Senate without completing another senator's term, when she defeats Democratic opponent Adrian Scolten.

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On this day in 1961, UN Secretary-General Dag Hammarskjöld dies in a plane crash while attempting to negotiate peace in the war-torn Katanga region of the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

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On this day in 1974, over five thousand people die in Honduras as Hurricane Fifi comes ashore. That's right... you read right: five thousand Hondurans were killed by something called Fifi. Never look at poodles the same way again.

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On this day in 1975, mind-control victim Patty Hearst is arrested after a year on the FBI Most Wanted List.

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On this day in 1998, ICANN is formed. Believe it or not, this is some pretty important stuff.

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On this day in 2001, first mailing of anthrax letters from Trenton, New Jersey in the 2001 anthrax attacks.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 17

On this day in 1630, the city of Boston, Massachusetts is founded.

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On this day in 1683, Antonie van Leeuwenhoek writes a letter to the Royal Society describing "animalcules": the first known description of protozoa. Little animals. Cute, no?

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On this day in 1776, the Presidio of San Francisco is founded in New Spain. Some dark stuff goes down there over the years.

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On this day in 1787, the United States Constitution is signed in Philadelphia.

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On this day in 1859, Joshua A. Norton declares himself Emperor Norton I of the United States. A great many people go along with his gag, up until the day he dies.

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On this day in 1862, America suffered the single bloodiest day in her history. It was during the Civil War, at Antietam. When the fighting was over, three thousand, six hundred and fifty four men lay dead on the battlefield. And adding insult to injury... the damn thing was a DRAW! All that death and gore, and there wasn't even a winner. Can you imagine how let down they all must have felt?

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On this day in 1908, the Wright Flyer flown by Orville Wright, with Lieutenant Thomas Selfridge as passenger, crashes killing Selfridge. He becomes the first airplane fatality.

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On this day in 1916, Manfred von Richthofen - "The Red Baron" - a flying ace of the German Luftstreitkräfte, wins his first aerial combat near Cambrai, France.

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On this day in 1928, the Okeechobee hurricane strikes southeastern Florida, killing upwards of 2,500 people. It is the third deadliest natural disaster in United States history, behind the Galveston hurricane of 1900 and the 1906 San Francisco earthquake.

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On this day in the year 1953, for the first time ever in medical history, Siamese twins are successfully separated by surgeons. Sure, they were joined at the ankle, but a first is a first!

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On this day in 1976 the first Space Shuttle, Enterprise, is unveiled by NASA.

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On this day in 1983, Vanessa Williams becomes the first black Miss America. It doesn't last long before scandal strikes and she loses her crown.

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On this day in 1987, Pope John Paul II embraces an AIDS-infected boy while visiting San Francisco.

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On this day in 1991, both Koreas - North and South - are admitted into the United Nations on a date chosen to coincide with the 19th anniversary of the Korean war-based television series M*A*S*H, which premiered on this day in 1972.

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On this day in 2001, the New York Stock Exchange reopens for trading after the September 11 attacks, the longest closure since the Great Depression.

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On this day in 2007, AOL, once the largest ISP in the U.S., officially announces plans to refocus the company as an advertising business and to relocate its corporate headquarters from Dulles, Virginia to New York City

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On this day in 2011, Occupy Wall Street movement begins in Zuccotti Park, New York City, accomplishing not a whole hell of a lot.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 16

On this day in 1498, the most successful Inquisitor General in the long and sordid history of the Catholic Church - Tomas de Torquemada - passes away quietly in his sleep. His 11,500+ victims - Jews and others who were systematically burned, bludgeoned, drowned, flayed, hanged, vivisected and otherwise torn asunder - met far more unquiet fates.

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On this day in 1620, the Mayflower starts her voyage to North America

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On this day in 1919, the American Legion is incorporated.

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On this day in 1920, the Wall Street bombing takes place when a bomb in a horse wagon explodes in front of the J. P. Morgan building in New York City – 38 are killed and 400 injured.

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On this day in 1941, during World War II, concerned that Reza Pahlavi the Shah of Persia is about to ally his petroleum-rich empire with Nazi Germany, the United Kingdom and the Soviet Union invade Iran in late August and force the Shah to abdicate in favor of his son, Mohammad Reza Pahlavi. So the Anglo world has been messing with Iran since even before the Mossadegh coup!

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On this day in 1959, the first successful photocopier, the Xerox 914, is introduced in a demonstration on live television from New York City. This is a vitally important moment in the history of samizdat and underground publishing.

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On this day in 1982, the Sabra and Shatila massacre takes place in Lebanon.

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On this day in the year 1983, Austrian immigrant Arnold Schwarzenthingy becomes a citizen of the United States of America. Now all we have to do is figure out a way to send him back.

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On this day in 2001, a satellite company beaming live footage from a special Papal mass in celebration of the Feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross (phew!) fucked up big-time, crossing video from the mass with audio from a hardcore porn movie which the company was carrying on a supposedly separate channel. So while the millions of Catholics who tuned into the ceremony could see the assembled cardinals praying and waving those smoking ball-and-chain thingies in the air, all they could hear were the guttural moanings and squishy sex-sounds of copulating couples! But if you think the Catholics were confused, just imagine the poor porn dogs who tuned in to check out some flesh-flicks only to find a soundtrack of prayers and Latin chanting playing over all that filthy, sinful fucking! Talk about cognitive dissonance!

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On this day in 2007, mercenaries working for Blackwater Worldwide allegedly shoot and kill 17 Iraqis in Nisour Square, Baghdad; all criminal charges against them are later dismissed, sparking outrage in the Arab world.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 15

On this day in 1440, one of the earliest known serial killers, Gilles de Rais, is taken into custody upon an accusation brought against him by the Bishop of Nantes. Was this one time ally of Joan of Arc really guilty of murdering hundreds of children, as so many claimed? Some still wonder .

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On this day in 1835, the HMS Beagle, with Charles Darwin aboard, reaches the Galápagos Islands. The ship lands at Chatham or San Cristobal, the easternmost of the archipelago.

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On this day in 1916, during World War I, tanks are used for the first time in battle, at the Battle of the Somme.

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On this day in 1935, Nazi Germany adopts a new national flag with the swastika.

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On this day in 1959, Nikita Khrushchev becomes the first Soviet leader to visit the United States.

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On this day in 1963, the 16th Street Baptist Church bombing: Four children killed at an African-American church in Birmingham, Alabama, United States

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On this day in 1966, U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson, responding to Charles Whitman's sniper attack at the University of Texas at Austin, writes a letter to Congress urging the enactment of gun control legislation.

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On this day in 1981, the Senate Judiciary Committee unanimously approves Sandra Day O'Connor to become the first female justice of the Supreme Court of the United States

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On this day in 2008, Lehman Brothers files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, the largest bankruptcy filing in U.S. history. That is, at least, until lil djt bankrupts this country. The great loss leader!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 14

On this day in 1741, George Frideric Handel completes his oratorio Messiah. It's magnificent.

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On this day in 1752, the British Empire adopts the Gregorian calendar, skipping eleven days (the previous day was September 2).

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On this day in 1763, Seneca warriors defeat British forces at the Battle of Devil's Hole during Pontiac's War.

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On this day in 1814, the poem Defence of Fort McHenry is written by Francis Scott Key. The poem is later used as the lyrics of The Star-Spangled Banner.

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On this day in 1901, President of the United States William McKinley dies after an assassination attempt on September 6, and is succeeded by Theodore Roosevelt.

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On this day in 1959 the Soviet probe Luna 2 crashes onto the Moon, becoming the first man-made object to reach it.

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On this day in 1960, the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries - OPEC - is founded.

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On this day in 1984, the first ever MTV Music Video Awards hit the airwaves. In a bold move, the still-wet-behind-the-ears music video channel hires two edgy young up-and-comers to host the show: Bette Midler and Dan Aykroyd! I shit you not.

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On this day in 1987, the Toronto Blue Jays set a record for the most home runs in a single game, hitting 10 of them.

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On this day in 1994, the Major League Baseball season is canceled because of a strike.

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On this day in 1995, the half-artistic, half-scientific Body Worlds exhibit opens in Tokyo, Japan, showcasing real corpses in various degrees of discombobulation and positioning. It’s pretty gross, and hugely popular during its round-the-world tour.

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On this day, two fabulously wealthy and popular ladies die in two utterly spectacular automobile accidents. Firstly, in 1927, dancer Isadora Duncan's scarf gets caught in her car wheel, breaking her neck and nearly decapitating her. Second, in 1982, Princess Grace Kelly drives off a cliff in Monaco. And yet, despite all this carnage, America's love-affair with the horseless carriage continues unabated.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 13

On this day in 1501, Michelangelo begins work on his statue of David.

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On this day in 1743, Great Britain, Austria and the Kingdom of Sardinia sign the Treaty of Worms. Ewww…

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On this day in 1759, England's General James Wolfe advances on French General Louis-Joseph de Montcalm-Gozon's defensive position on Quebec's Plains of Abraham in a battle that would claim both officers' lives. Gravely wounded during the battle, Montcalm asks his battlefield doctor how long he can expect to live. "Scant hours, my lord," replied the physician. "Good," Montcalm replies, "at least I won't live to see the English take Quebec."

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On this day in 1848, Vermont railroad worker Phineas Gage survives a 3-foot-plus iron rod being driven through his head; the reported effects on his behavior and personality stimulate thinking about the nature of the brain and its functions.

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On this day in 1899, Henry Bliss is the first person in the United States to be killed in an automobile accident.

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On this day in 1942, German forces attack the Russian city of Stalingrad. The operation turns out to be a little bit tougher than the Nazis had anticipated. By the time the siege is over seventeen months later, more than 147,000 Germans and over half a million Russians will have died.

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On this day in 1956, The IBM 305 RAMAC is introduced, the first commercial computer to use disk storage.

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On this day in 1971, State police and National Guardsmen storm New York's Attica Prison to end a prison revolt. It doesn't go so well.

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On this day in 1971, Chairman Mao Zedong's second in command and successor Marshal Lin Biao flees China via plane after the failure of alleged coup against Mao. The plane crashes in Mongolia, killing all aboard.

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On this day in 1977, for the first time ever, a major television network advises viewer discretion before airing a program. The program in question was the broadly satirical and somewhat controversial sitcom Soap, starring Billy Crystal as a homosexual. Hence, the warning.

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On this day in 1987, a radioactive object is stolen from an abandoned hospital in Goiânia, Brazil, contaminating many people in the following weeks and causing some to die from radiation poisoning.

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On this day in 1993, Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin shakes hands with PLO chairman Yasser Arafat at the White House after signing the Oslo Accords granting limited Palestinian autonomy.

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On this day in 2001, civilian aircraft traffic resumes in the United States after the September 11, 2001 attacks. Unless you were a member of the Saudi royal family or the bin Laden family, in which case civilian aircraft traffic never came to any kind of stop at all.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 12

This day in 490 BC is the conventionally accepted date for the Battle of Marathon. The Athenians and their Plataean allies, defeat the first Persian invasion force of Greece.

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On this day in 1919, Adolf Hitler joins the German Workers Party as a spy, to report on its activities to the German army.

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On this day in 1943, Benito Mussolini, dictator of Italy, is rescued from house arrest on the Gran Sasso in Abruzzi, by German commando forces led by Otto Skorzeny.

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On this day in 1952, strange occurrences, including a monster sighting, take place in Flatwoods, West Virginia.

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On this day in 1953, U.S. Representative John Fitzgerald Kennedy marries Jacqueline Lee Bouvier at St. Mary's Church in Newport, Rhode Island.

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It took almost two hundred years, but America's sizable Catholic minority didn't dwell on that fact on this day in 1975, when Pope John XXIII canonized Elizabeth Ann Seton, making her the first ever American Saint.

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On this day in 1977, South African anti-apartheid activist Steve Biko is killed in police custody.

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On this day in 1994 Frank Eugene Corder crashes a single-engine Cessna 150 into the White House's south lawn, striking the West wing and killing himself.

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On this day in 2003, the United Nations lifts sanctions against Libya after that country agreed to accept responsibility and recompense the families of victims in the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103.

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On this day in 2003, in Fallujah, US forces mistakenly shoot and kill eight Iraqi police officers.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 11

On this day in 1541, Santiago, Chile, is destroyed by indigenous warriors, led by Michimalonco.

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On this day in 1609, Henry Hudson discovers Manhattan Island and the indigenous people living there.

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On this day in 1789, Alexander Hamilton is appointed the first United States Secretary of the Treasury.

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On this day in 1792, the Hope Diamond is stolen along with other French crown jewels when six men break into the house where they are stored.

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On this day in 1830, the Anti-Masonic Party convention takes place. It is one of the first American political party conventions.

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On this day in 1857, the Mountain Meadows massacre takes place when Mormon settlers and Paiutes massacre 120 pioneers at Mountain Meadows, Utah.

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On this day in 1893, the Parliament of the World's Religions opened in Chicago, where Swami Vivekananda delivers his speech on fanaticism, tolerance and the truth inherent in all religions.

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On this day in 1919, U.S. Marines invade Honduras.

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On this day in 1961, the World Wildlife Fund is founded.

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On this day in 1973, a coup in Chile headed by General Augusto Pinochet topples the democratically elected president Salvador Allende. Pinochet exercises dictatorial power until ousted in a referendum in 1988, staying in power until 1990.

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On this day in 1976, a group of Croatian nationalists plant a bomb in a coin locker at Grand Central Terminal. After stating political demands, they reveal the location and provide instructions for disarming the bomb. The disarming operation was not executed properly, killing one NYPD bomb squad specialist.

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On this day in 1978, Janet Parker is the last person to die of smallpox, in a laboratory-associated outbreak.

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On this day in 1982, the international forces that were guaranteeing the safety of Palestinian refugees following Israel's 1982 Invasion of Lebanon leave Beirut. Five days later, several thousand refugees are massacred in the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps.

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On this day in 1997, NASA's Mars Global Surveyor reaches Mars.

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On this day in 2001, two hijacked aircraft crash into the World Trade Center in New York City, while a third smashes into The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, and a fourth into a field near Shanksville, Pennsylvania, in a series of coordinated suicide attacks by members of Al Qaeda. Altogether, 2,996 people are killed. Or, at least, that's what we're SUPPOSED to believe...

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On this day in 2003, Swedish foreign minister Anna Lindh is assassinated.

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On this day in 2007, Russia tests the largest conventional weapon ever, the Father of All Bombs.

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On this day in 2012, a total of 315 people are killed in two garment factory fires in Pakistan. Also on this day in 2012, the U.S. embassy in Benghazi, Libya is attacked, resulting in four deaths, including that of J. Christopher Stevens, the United States Ambassador to Libya.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 10

On this day in 1509, an earthquake known as "The Lesser Judgment Day" hits Constantinople.

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On this day in 1570, Spanish Jesuit missionaries land in present-day Virginia to establish the short-lived Ajacán Mission.

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On this day in 1608, John Smith is elected council president of Jamestown, Virginia.

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On this day in 1823, Simón Bolívar is named President of Peru.

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On this day in 1897, a sheriff's posse kills 20 unarmed immigrant miners in Pennsylvania, in what will come to be known as the Lattimer Massacre.

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On this day in 1946, while riding a train to Darjeeling, Sister Teresa Bojaxhiu of the Loreto Sisters' Convent claimed to have heard the call of God, directing her "to leave the convent and help the poor while living among them". She would become known as Mother Teresa, friend to tyrants and dictators the world over in her hypocritical lifetime.

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On this day in 1960, Ethiopian athlete Abebe Bikila wins the Olympic marathon in Rome. His victory is of particular note because the lunatic ran the entire race without the benefit of footwear! Understandably, his success did not result in a lucrative sneaker endorsement deal.

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 On this day in 1961, during the Italian Grand Prix, a crash causes the death of German Formula One driver Wolfgang von Trips and 13 spectators who are hit by his flying Ferrari.

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On this day in 1963, 20 African-American students enter public schools in Alabama. Chaos ensues... for a while. And then, 60 years later... NAZIS!!!

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On this day in 1967, the people of the protectorate of Gibraltar in Spain vote 12,138 to 44 to retain their British identity.

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On this day in 1977, Hamida Djandoubi, convicted of torture and murder, is the last person to be executed by guillotine in France.

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On this day in 1990, the Basilica of Our Lady of Peace in Yamoussoukro, Côte d'Ivoire, the largest church in Africa – it’s ridiculously huge, actually – is consecrated by Pope John Paul II.

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On this day in 1999, Battlefield Earth star and jet-plane pilot John Travolta makes an emergency landing at a Boston airfield when his private 707 loses an engine. Travolta and his entourage had been en route to Bangor, Maine at the time of the forced landing, where the prominent $cientologist maintains a home, and where the locals have come to hate and fear his hot-dogging aerial exploits.

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On this day in 2001, Charles Ingram cheats his way into winning one million pounds on a British version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Also on  this day in 2001, the mayor of Campinas, Brazil, Antonio da Costa Santos, is assassinated. These news stories are pushed off the front pages pretty quick, however, because of you-know-what.

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On this day in 2002, Switzerland, traditionally a neutral country, joins the United Nations.

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On this day in 2003, Anna Lindh, foreign minister of Sweden, is fatally stabbed while shopping, and dies the following day.

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On this day in 2008, the Large Hadron Collider at CERN, described as the biggest scientific experiment in history, is powered up in Geneva, Switzerland. Chaos fails to ensue.

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2025 He leans to the left.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 9

The stupidification of the American TV-watcher began on this day in 1950, when The Hank McClune Show became the first TV show ever to use an artificial "laugh-track" to inform viewers of the presence of comedy.

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On this day in 1956, Elvis "the pelvis" Presley made his first nationwide TV appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show, where he kicked up a helluva fuss, just a-screechin' and a-swingin' his hips around like he was a big ol' crazy gurl or sumthin. I swear it put me off muh FOOD! Didja see it? A real travesty. Thank Jehovah that rock-and-roll racket was just a passing fad.

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1971, John Lennon's album Imagine goes on sale. Meanwhile, one thousand National Guardsmen, State Troopers and local police storm New York State's Attica Prison after a breakdown in negotiations between officials and the prisoners who took 32 guards as hostages. Governor Rockefeller orders an all-out attack, resulting in the deaths of 32 inmates and 9 of their hostages.

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On this day in 1999, a Seattle transsexual climbed atop an electrical tower beside a freeway bridge during rush hour and gave commuters a show they won't ever forget. Wearing nothing but a pair of short pants, Ara Tripp danced, wagged her tits around, and spit vodka-fueled flames in the air. In an effort to keep this freak from frying, cops cut off power to the tower, blacking out 5000 homes for almost an hour. After her arrest for indecent exposure and trespassing, Tripp admitted to cops that he/she/it pulled the stunt because he/she/it wanted to get on the talk show circuit. By that measure, he/she/it failed miserably... but still, you have to admire his/her/its showmanship!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 8

On this day in 1974, President Gerald Ford begins a long-standing tradition for the Republican Party by granting an unconditional, all-encompassing pardon to disgraced President Richard Milhouse Nixon. In 1992, George Bush Sr. pardoned five defendants involved in Iran/Contra (including Caspar Weinberger) mere days before handing over the reigns to Bill Clinton.

These pardons were only the last in a long line of pardons doled out by Bush. However, the Weinberger pardon marked the first time in American history that a President pardoned a defendant in whose trial he would likely have been called as a witness, and in whose crimes he would likely have been implicated. So, in essence, Dubya's daddy pardoned himself. This is why yer old pal Jerky laughs his ass off whenever right-wingers try to portray Clinton's Marc Rich pardon as the crime of the friggin' century.

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On this day in 1504, Michelangelo's David is unveiled in Florence.

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On this day in 1565, the Knights of Malta lift the Turkish siege of Malta that began on May 18.

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On this day in 1888, in Spain, the first travel of Isaac Peral submarine, was the first practical submarine ever made.

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On this day in 1888, in London, the body of Jack the Ripper's second murder victim, Annie Chapman, is found.

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On this day in 1892, the Pledge of Allegiance is first recited.

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On this day in 1900, the Galveston Hurricane of 1900 kills about 8,000 people in Texas. This is one time where Texas' usual boast of things being bigger there wasn't necessarily for the better.

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On this day in 1914, Private Thomas Highgate becomes the first British soldier to be executed for desertion during the war.

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On this day in 1926, Germany is admitted to the League of Nations. Pfff...

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On this day in 1930, 3M begins marketing Scotch transparent tape.

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On this day in 1935, US Senator from Louisiana, Huey Long, nicknamed "Kingfish", is fatally shot in the Louisiana State Capitol building. Oh, is there ever a lot more to this story than just that...

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On this day in 1944, London is hit by a German V-2 "buzzbomb" rocket for the first time. It's a terrifying technological accomplishment. The missiles are supersonic, so you hear them coming AFTER the blast. Read Thomas Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow to learn more.

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On this day in 1966, the first Star Trek series premieres on NBC.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 7

On this day in 1927, in San Francisco, inventor Philo Farnsworth first demonstrates his most wide-spread and world-altering invention, the Television Set! Few people know that Farnsworth's Imago-Visor (as the TV was originally supposed to be called) was an accidental by-product of the legendary inventor's attempt to build a device that could sterilize "the lower races."

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On this day in the year 1981, Judge Joseph Wapner berates his first set of knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers on the premiere episode of that ubiquitous television touch-stone: The People's Court. Meanwhile, as Wapner rages, Doug Lewellyn waits for his moment in the spotlight while a stylist secures his boufant hair-helmet with a sturdy chin-strap.

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On this day in 1999, Allan Funt, the creator of Candid Camera, passes away at the ripe old age of 84. Candid Camera, which caught regular people in embarrassing, staged situations via hidden camera, was the first ever reality-based, non-news television show. Ultimately, however, yer old pal Jerky believes Funt will be fondly remembered as the only celebrity who's name rhymed with cunt.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 6

On this day in 1901, anti-statist anarchist Leon Czolgosz (pronounced: "Czolgosz") walks up to President William McKinley at Buffalo's Pan-American Exposition, extends his hanky-covered hand as if in offer to shake, then squeezes off two rounds at point blank range. When Secret Service agents grab Czolgosz and start beating the living snot out of him, gentlemanly McKinley looks up from his stretcher and declares: "Don't let them hurt him... Be easy with him, boys!" Eight days later, despite his hearty "recovery diet" of raw eggs and whiskey, the popular President dies of a kidney infection caused by the bullet that had ripped through his gut. His Vice President, the maverick Teddy Roosevelt, takes over in the first year of McKinley's second term. Two months after that, Czolgosz rides the lightning to a meeting with his maker. His last words: "I am not sorry for my crime."

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On this day in 1966, the science fiction show Star Trek makes its network television debut on NBC, giving thousands of obsessive, sexless, anal-retentive feebs a reason not to slit their wrists.

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On this day in the year 2000, government authorities see fit to inform we plebes that asteroid 2000QW7 had just hurtled within a cosmic pussy-hair of planet Earth... four days after the near-miss! Making matters worse, the Disneyland-sized space rock was first spotted by astronomers a mere SIX DAYS before it's passing! So... how close did we come to witnessing an end to civilization - or even perhaps an end to all LIFE as we know it? British scientist Lembit Opik - organizer of an international co-operative effort to counter the global threat posed by asteroids - answers that question thusly: "It is as if someone had thrown a marble at you across a tennis court and missed your head by the width of your hand."

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 5

On this day in 1972, Arab terrorists wearing track sweats climbed the fence surrounding the Olympic Village in Munich. Just before suppertime, they knocked on the door of Israeli wrestling coach Moshe Weinberg. He realized something was wrong and shouted a warning, but he and weightlifter Joseph Romano were killed when they attempted to block the door. The Arabs then succeeded in rounding up nine Israelis to hold as hostages.

At 9:30, the terrorists announced that they were Palestinians and demanded that Israel release 200 Arab prisoners and that the terrorists be given safe passage out of Germany. After hours of tense negotiations, the Palestinians, who it was later learned belonged to a PLO faction called Black September, agreed to a plan whereby they and their hostages would be flown to Cairo. 

At the airport, German sharpshooters attempted to kill the terrorists. A firefight erupted and quickly ended in a stalemate. Then, almost an hour later, one of the helicopters holding the Israelis was blown up by a terrorist grenade. 

At three in the morning, it was left to American sports announcer Jim McKay to inform the world, with a simple dignity that resonates to this day: "They're all gone."

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 4

After 30 years spent fighting the white man who had invaded his homeland, legendary Apache Geronimo finally surrendered in Arizona on this day in 1886. The fierce, vengeance-driven warrior's surrender was peaceful, as he simply looked at the numbers, weighed the odds and decided that further resistance was futile.

Between his surrender and the time of his death, twenty three years would pass. In those years, Geronimo - whose Apache name was Goyalkla - served time in jail, then moved to Oklahoma, converted to Christianity, farmed a homestead, and occasionally worked for the United States Army as a scout.

At the dawning of the 20th century, during those final, dying days of the "frontier" West, a great nostalgia was already brewing for those "simpler" times and the binary ethics they necessitated. Already aware that the ferocity of Geronimo's early career was partly due to the massacre of his wife and children by Mexican soldiers, the American public showed themselves willing to forgive his role in the killings of hundreds of white settlers, militiamen, and cavalry. In his old age, he made a good living touring world's fairs, and he even rode in President Theodore Roosevelt's inaugural parade in 1905. He died in 1909.

In 1918, less than ten years after his death, Geronimo's skull was stolen from its tomb during a grave-robbing expedition by Prescott Bush - Nazi-bankrolling father to "41" and grandfather to "43" - as a morale-boosting stunt for the Skull and Bones Society he belonged during his time at Yale.

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On this day in the year 1618, a massive avalanche destroys the entire town of Plurs, Switzerland, leaving 1,500 dead. On the plus side, the snow-packed corpses couldn't rot, so they were real easy to handle during the recovery operation.

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On this day in 1988, heavyweight boxing champ and noted cannibal-rapist Mike Tyson crashes his silver BMW into a tree, then beats the sap out of it.

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Congratulations and Happy Birthday to Nyota Uhura, born in Nairobi, Kenya on this day in 2179! Uhura would eventually become the first black female communications officer to serve in Starfleet, manning the helm of the legendary Starship Enterprise (NC-17740), where she managed to avoid the priapic advances of the equally legendary Starship Captain James T. Kirk!

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On this day in 1972, American swimmer Mark Spitz becomes the first athlete to win seven Olympic gold medals during a single Olympics. What most people don't know, however, is that two of those gold medals were awarded to his sexy moustache!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 3

On this day in 1752, absolutely nothing happened because this day doesn't exist. And neither do the next 10 days. You see, when the English-speaking world decided to adopt the Gregorian Calendar (which we're still using today), all the days between the 3rd and the 14th of September had to be skipped, in order to catch up. People were so freaked out -- believing the government had stolen part of their lives somehow -- that there was rioting in the streets. Thankfully, in these more enlightened days of ours, sparking such violent unrest takes something serious. Say, an event on the magnitude of the home team's failure to secure a win in the big game.

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On this day in 301, San Marino, one of the smallest nations in the world and the world's oldest republic still in existence, is founded by Saint Marinus.

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On this day in 1189, Richard I of England (a.k.a. Richard "the Lionheart") is crowned at Westminster.

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On this day in 1260, the Mamluks defeat the Mongols at the Battle of Ain Jalut in Palestine, marking their first decisive defeat and the point of maximum expansion of the Mongol Empire... it was the breaking of the wave, as they say.

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On this day in 1777, during the Battle of Cooch's Bridge, the Flag of the United States is flown in battle for the first time.

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On this day in 1838, future abolitionist Frederick Douglass escapes from slavery.

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On this day in 1855, in Nebraska, 700 soldiers under United States General William S. Harney avenge the Grattan Massacre by attacking a Sioux village and killing 100 men, women and children.

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On this day in 1875, the first official game of Polo is played in Argentina after being introduced by British Ranchers. Overpriced cologne and ugly shirts ensue.

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On this day in 1878, over 640 die when the crowded pleasure boat Princess Alice collides with the Bywell Castle in the River Thames.

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On this day in 1935, Sir Malcolm Campbell reaches a speed of 304.331 miles per hour on the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah, becoming the first person to drive an automobile over 300 mph

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On this day in 1941, Nazi soldier Karl Fritzsch, deputy camp commandant of the Auschwitz concentration camp, experiments with the use of Zyklon B in the gassing of Soviet POWs.

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On this day in 1944, diarist Anne Frank and her family are placed on the last transport train from the Westerbork transit camp to the Auschwitz concentration camp, arriving three days later.

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On this day in the year 1978, Pope John Paul I is officially installed as 264th supreme pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church. Unfortunately for the evil pricks that hand-picked him, John Paul turned out to be smarter and more principled than anyone could have guessed. Right away, he made it his goal to sever all ties between the notorious Sindona and Calvi families and the Vatican Bank, running him afoul of such avoid-at-all-costs organizations as P2, Opus Dei and the mafia. He also made it clear that he would be using his Papal bully pulpit to revise the Church's stance on birth control, pissing off the ultra-conservative College of Cardinals. To people who knew what was going on at the time, John Paul's death -- only a month after his assumption of the Papacy -- was no surprise at all.

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On this day in 1967, people in Sweden begin driving on the right-hand side of road. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 2004, the three-day Beslan school hostage crisis ends with the deaths of over 300 people, more than half of which are children. Anti-Chechen rage boils over throughout Russia.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 2

On this day in 1192, the Treaty of Jaffa was signed between Richard I of England and Saladin, leading to the end of the Third Crusade.

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On this day in 1666, the Great Fire of London breaks out and burns for three days, destroying 10,000 buildings including St Paul's Cathedral.

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On this day in 1752, absolutely nothing happened because this day doesn't exist. And neither do the next 10 days. You see, when the English-speaking world decided to adopt the Gregorian Calendar (which we're still using today), all the days between the 3rd and the 14th of September had to be skipped, in order to catch up. People were so freaked out -- believing the government had stolen part of their lives somehow -- that there was rioting in the streets. Thankfully, in these more enlightened days of ours, sparking such violent unrest takes something serious. Say, an event on the magnitude of the home team's failure to secure a win in the big game.

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On this day in 1806, a massive landslide destroys the town of Goldau, Switzerland, killing 457.

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On this day in 1859, a solar super storm affects electrical telegraph service. If the same storm happened today, under the same circumstances... we'd be royally fucked.

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On this day in 1885, the Rock Springs massacre happens in Rock Springs, Wyoming. 150 White miners, who are struggling to unionize so they could strike for better wages and work conditions, attack their Chinese fellow workers killing 28, wounding 15 and forcing several hundred more out of town.

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On this day in 1935, the Labor Day Hurricane hits the Florida Keys killing 423.

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On this day in 1944, future American President George Herbert Walker "Poppy" Bush had to ditch his burning plane and - thanks to the 30 square yards of hemp fabric strapped to his back - he survived. That's right, you heard right... the parachute that saved President Bush's life was made of marijuana. I tell you what... if yer old pal Jerky had been that parachute, and if he had known about the way Bush would crank up the War On Drugs TM, and if he had known about the horrific mediocrity that was destined to spring from his loins... yer old pal Jerky the parachute would have ripped. By the way, the rest of the crew perished in the crash, and cameras just happened to be on hand to catch the scene. 

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On this day in 1945, Vietnam declares its independence, forming the Democratic Republic of Vietnam. And they all lived happily ever after.

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On this day in 1958, United States Air Force C-130A-II is shot down by fighters over Yerevan in Armenia when it strays into Soviet airspace while conducting a sigint mission. All crew members are killed.

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On this day in 1998, Swissair Flight 111 crashes near Peggys Cove, Nova Scotia. All 229 people on board are killed. Gruesome floating body parts ensue.

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Also on this day in 1998, the UN's International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda finds Jean Paul Akayesu, the former mayor of a small town in Rwanda, guilty of nine counts of genocide. Nine! How can that possibly be?! I didn't even know there were nine different ethnicities in Rwanda! Oh well. I guess if it was gonna happen some place...

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 1

On this day in the year 1939, Germany invades Poland, sparking World War II. Two years later, on this day in 1941, Hitler makes it obligatory for all Jews to wear the yellow star insignia. And, finally, on this day in 1945, three weeks after having two atomic bombs dropped on them, the Japanese officially surrender, finally putting an end to World War II. Nice fucking century we just went through, wasn't it?

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On this day in 1983, Korean Airlines flight KAL 007 from New York to Seoul strays 200 miles off course, bringing it almost directly over a top secret Soviet military base in Kamchatka. Soviet radar technicians suspect the commercial flight might be a spy plane, so they dispatch two fighter jets to intercept. The fighters can't get a response to communication requests, so they launch heat-seekers and shoot it down, sending 269 passengers and crew to a fiery/watery doom in the Sea of Japan. Responding with outrage, President Ronald Reagan declared the Soviets had: "turned against the world and the moral precepts which guide human relations among people everywhere." Five years later, on July 3, 1988, an American warship in the Persian Gulf shoots down an Iranian Airbus 300 carrying 290 civilian passengers, none of whom survive. "I will never apologize for the United States; I don't care what the facts are," said then-presidential candidate George Herbert Walker "Poppy" Bush.

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On this day, in 1985, a French-led submarine expedition discovers the wreckage of the Titanic, fucking up one of the few great mysteries of the Modern age.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 31

On this day in 1888, London's self-pronounced Jack the Ripper claims his first victim, prostitute Mary Ann Nichols. Her mutilated corpse is discovered in the Whitechapel section of London's rough-and-tumble East End, and before too long, four more victims fall prey to his surgeon's scalpels. Five dead prostitutes. That's a pretty paltry haul, when you stop and think about our modern-day serial killers. Hell, the Green River Killer probably scored ten times that many! And yer old pal Jerky hears tell there are a couple of inbred Canadian pig farmers who could go through five hookers during the average three-day weekend. We've come a long way, baby! If, however, the new theory that Jack was really American psychopath H.H. Holmes turns out to be true, he might well have been one of the most prolific murderers in the history of mayhem, after all.

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On this day in 1895, German Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin patents his Navigable Balloon.

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On this day in the year 1955, the first-ever solar-powered automobile is demonstrated at a car show in Chicago. It was such a resounding technological and aesthetic success that soon EVERYONE was driving a solar-powered car. Today, it's hard to imagine a world without solar-powered automobiles.

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On this day in 1991, the region of Kyrgyzstan declares its independence from the Soviet Union.

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On this day in 1997, one year and two days after her divorce from Prince Charles was finalized (and after she’d expressed fears that the Royals would have her killed and make it look like an accident), Diana, Princess of Wales, her companion Dodi Fayed and driver Henri Paul die in a car crash in Paris.

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On this day in 1935, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt signs the Neutrality Act, a piece of legislation prohibiting the export of American-made arms and munitions to belligerent nations. Over in Connecticut, the Nazi-affiliated Bush clan sulks and pouts.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 30

On this day in 1574, Guru Ram Das becomes the Fourth Sikh Guru/Master.

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On this day in 1909, the Burgess Shale fossils are discovered by Charles Doolittle Walcott., sending Creationists into a tizzy of ridiculous back-peddling, lame rationalization, and lowered expectations.

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On this day in 1963, the Hotline - or the infamous "red phone" - between the leaders of the U.S.A. and the Soviet Union goes into operation.

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On this day in 1967, Thurgood Marshall is confirmed as the first African American Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States.

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On this day in 1979, scientists witness one of the rarest occurrences in the universe as a large comet hurtles directly into the heart of our sun, releasing the equivalent energy of roughly one MILLION hydrogen bombs.

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On this day in the year 1979, President Jimmy Carter is paddling peacefully down a river in Georgia when, all of a sudden, he's attacked by a crazed, bloodthirsty swamp rabbit! Unfortunately for Carter, the humiliating encounter is witnessed by many.