PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 13

On this day in 624, a key battle between Muhammad's army – the new followers of Islam and the Quraish of Mecca. The Muslims won this battle, known as the turning point of Islam, which took place in the Hejaz region of western Arabia.

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Cortez came dancing across the water with his galleons and guns, landing in Mexico on this day in 1519. On the shore lay Montezuma, with his coca leaves and pearls. In his halls he'd often wander, with the secrets of the world. And his people gathered 'round him, like the leaves around a tree, in their clothes of many colors, for their angry Gods to see. Hate was just a legend. War was never known. The people worked together, and they lifted many stones. They carried them to the flatlands, and they died along the way, but they built up with their bare hands what we still can't do today. He came dancing across the water. Cortez, Cortez… what a killer.

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On this day in 1781, William Herschel discovers Uranus. He couldn't miss it, thanks to the smell!

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On this day in 1861, demonstrating a flair for wicked irony to rival that of fellow Southerner Tennessee Williams, confederate preznit Jefferson Davis signs a bill authorizing the use of negro slaves as soldiers in the confederate (i.e. traitor) army. Thus did slaves come to fight to preserve the peculiar institution of slavery.

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On this day in 1930, the news of the discovery of Pluto is telegraphed to the Harvard College Observatory.

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On this day in 1943, German forces liquidate the Jewish ghetto in Kraków.

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On this day in 1962, Lyman Lemnitzer, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, delivers a proposal, called Operation Northwoods, regarding performing terrorist attacks upon Guantánamo Bay Naval Base, to Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara. The proposal is scrapped and President John F. Kennedy removes Lemnitzer from his position.

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On this day in 1964, American Kitty Genovese is murdered, reportedly in view of neighbors who did nothing to help her, prompting research into the bystander effect. It turns out nothing we thought we knew about this case is true.

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On this day in 1969, Apollo 9 returns safely to Earth after testing the Lunar Module.

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On this day in 1991, the United States Department of Justice announces that Exxon has agreed to pay $1 billion for the clean-up of the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska.

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Pissed off because he'd been exposed as a pervert and turfed from his position as a scoutmaster, weirdo/sicko Thomas Hamilton packed a bag full of guns and strolled over to his home town's grade school on this day in the year 1996. By the time he was through, a grand total of sixteen five-and-six-year-old children - and their teacher - lay lifeless in a sea of blood on the cold gymnasium floor. Shaken police describe the gym as "a medieval image of hell." Immediately after the slaughter, Hamilton did what he should have done decades ago and turned the gun on himself, blowing his own brains out. Visit this website for a vivid reminder of what was lost.

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On this day in 1997, India's Missionaries of Charity choose Sister Nirmala to succeed Mother Teresa as their new Mother Superior... and promptly fade into total obscurity. They should have done like INXS and made their choice of a dynamic new "frontman" the subject of a thrilling "reality TV" show. They could have called it Big Mother, or Survivor: Calcutta.

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On this day in 2003, the journal Nature reports that 350,000-year-old footprints of an upright-walking human have been found in Italy.

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On this day in 2013, Pope Francis is elected in the papal conclave to succeed Pope Benedict XVI, aka Ratz Benedict.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 12

On this day in 537 AD, the Goths lay siege to Rome, making off with the Empire's entire supply of black lace, skull rings, pancake makeup and Trent Reznor CDs.

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On this day in 1622, Ignatius of Loyola and Francis Xavier, founders of the Jesuits, are canonized as saints by the Catholic Church.

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On this day in 1861, in Montgomery, Alabama, delegates from South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas adopt the Permanent Constitution of the Confederate States of America, which lasts a few measly, desperate years... not unlike Hitler's "thousand year" Reich.

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On this day in 1894, Coca-Cola is bottled and sold for the first time in Vicksburg, Mississippi, by local soda fountain operator Joseph Biedenharn.

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California's St. Francis Dam failed catastrophically upon being filled for the first time, near midnight on March 12, 1928. Over 450 people perished.

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On this day in 1930, Mahatma Gandhi leads a 200-mile march, known as the Salt March, to the sea in defiance of British opposition, to protest the British monopoly on salt

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On this day in 1933, Franklin D. Roosevelt addresses the nation for the first time as President of the United States. This is also the first of his "fireside chats".

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On this day in 1947, the Truman Doctrine is proclaimed to help stem the spread of Communism.

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On this day in 1993, several bombs explode in Bombay (Mumbai), India, killing about 300 and injuring hundreds more.

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On this day in 1993, Janet Reno was sworn in as the United States' first female attorney general.

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On this day in 1999, former Warsaw Pact members the Czech Republic, Hungary and Poland join NATO. Freakin' turn-coats!

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On this day in 2003, Zoran "Alphabits" Đinđić, Prime Minister of Serbia, is assassinated in Belgrade.

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On this day in 2004, the President of South Korea, Roh Moo-hyun, is impeached by its National Assembly: the first such impeachment in the nation's history.

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On this day in 2009, financier Bernard Madoff pleads guilty in New York to scamming $18 billion, the largest in Wall Street history.

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On this day in 2011, a reactor at the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant melts and explodes and releases radioactivity into the atmosphere a day after Japan's earthquake.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 11

On this day in 222, Emperor Elagabalus is assassinated, along with his mother, Julia Soaemias, by the Praetorian Guard during a revolt. Their mutilated bodies are dragged through the streets of Rome before being thrown into the Tiber.

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On this day in 1702, The Daily Courant, England's first national daily newspaper is published for the first time.

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On this day in 1791, John Stone patents the Pile Driver. It would be nearly two centuries before another wrestling move was patented: Abdullah the Butcher's Sleeper Hold.

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On this day in 1824, the United States Department of War creates the Bureau of Indian Affairs. Wow! That explains EVERYTHING!

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On this day in 1848, Louis-Hippolyte Lafontaine and Robert Baldwin become the first Prime Ministers of the Province of Canada to be democratically elected under a system of responsible government.

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On this day in 1849, President Abraham Lincoln becomes the first and only President to apply for a patent. He is sorely disappointed when his "covering moles with facial hair" technique is deemed ineligible.

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On this day in 1864, the largest man-made disaster ever to befall England kills over 250 people in Sheffield, in what would come to be known as the Great Sheffield Flood.

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On this day in the year 1893, the management of New Mexico State University cancel their very first graduation ceremony after the school's one and only graduate - an unlucky fellow with the studly moniker of Sam Steele - is robbed and murdered the night before.

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On this day in 1918, the first case of Spanish flu occurs, the start of a devastating worldwide pandemic.

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On this day in 1927, in New York City, Samuel Roxy Rothafel opens the infamous Roxy Theatre.

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On this day in 1933, Nevada becomes the first US state to regulate narcotics, which is kind of ironic when you think about it.

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On this day in 1946, Rudolf Höss, the first commandant of Auschwitz concentration camp, is captured by British troops.

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On this day in 1971, the Senate approves a constitutional amendment lowering the voting age to 18, even though they don't deserve it, those ungrateful hippy bastards!!!

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On this day in 1993, Janet Reno is confirmed by the United States Senate and sworn in the next day, becoming the first female Attorney General of the United States.

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On this day in 1993, unfortunately moniker'd OBGYN David Gunn, a doctor who performed abortions, was shot three times in the back by a cowardly, murderous Christian thug during an anti-abortion protest at the Pensacola Women’s Medical Services clinic in Florida. Before pulling the trigger, the murderer, Michael Griffin, had been heard to shout: "Don’t kill any more babies!" The response issued by Rescue America - the group holding the protest at which the murder took place - was weak, to say the least. "While Gunn’s death is unfortunate," an official statement said, "it’s also true that quite a number of babies’ lives will be saved." Griffin's murder of Dr. Gunn sparked a wave of anti-choice terror resulting in numerous murders, as well as innumerable acts of assault, terroristic threats, vandalism, bombings, arson and all that other good stuff they teach in certain churches. Unfortunately, pro-lifers have, for the most part, achieved their goals. The tepid government response to their terrorism has led many abortionists to switch careers, thus severely limiting the availability of the procedure.

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On this day in 2004, the Madrid train bombings take place when simultaneous explosions on rush hour trains in Madrid, Spain, kill 191 people. It's Spain's 9/11.

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On this day in 2007, Georgia claims Russian helicopters attacked the Kodori Valley in Abkhazia, an accusation that Russia categorically denies later.

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On this day in 2009, 16 are killed and 11 are injured before recent-graduate Tim Kretschmer shoots and kills himself, leading to tightened weapons restrictions in Germany. Hey, wait... I thought guns were illegal throughout Europe?!

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On this day in 2011, an earthquake measuring 9.0 in magnitude strikes 130 km (81 mi) east of Sendai, Japan, triggering a tsunami killing tens of thousands of people. This event also triggered the second largest nuclear accident in history - or largest, depending on whom you ask - and one of only two events to be classified as a Level 7 on the International Nuclear Event Scale: the terrifying, ongoing Fukushima Meltdown.

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On this day in 2012, a US soldier kills 16 civilians in the Panjwayi District of Afghanistan near Kandahar.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 10

On this day in 298, Roman Emperor Maximian concludes his campaign in North Africa against the Berbers, and makes a triumphal entry into Carthage.

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On this day in 1629, Charles I of England dissolves Parliament, beginning the eleven-year period known as the Personal Rule.

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On this day in 1791, doctor George Hayward becomes the first American surgeon to use ether, the lucky bastard.

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On this day in 1804, in St. Louis, Missouri, a formal ceremony is conducted to transfer ownership of the Louisiana Territory from France to the United States.

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On this day in 1831, the French Foreign Legion is established by King Louis Philippe to support his war in Algeria.

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On this day in 1873, Canada establishes their Royal Canadian Mounted Police force. With uniforms and duties that make them seem like hybrid boy-scout-forest-ranger-peace-keepers, the RCMP - a.k.a. "the thin scarlet line" - remain Canada's most popular postcard model subjects.

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On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell makes the first successful telephone call by saying "Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you."

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On this day in 1906, the Courrières mine disaster, Europe's worst ever, kills 1099 miners in Northern France.

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On this day in 1907, the world's first ever eugenics (involuntary sterilization) law is passed, in… the state of Indiana! Might Hitler have been a closet Hoosier?

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On this day in 1922, Mahatma Gandhi is arrested in India, tried for sedition, and sentenced to six years in prison, only to be released after nearly two years for an appendicitis operation.

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On this day in 1933, an earthquake in Long Beach, California kills 115 people and causes an estimated $40 million in damage.

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On this day in 1945, the U.S. Army Air Force firebombs Tokyo, and the resulting firestorm kills more than 100,000 people, mostly civilians.

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On this day in 1952, Fulgencio Batista leads a successful coup in Cuba and appoints himself as the "provisional president".

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On this day in 1959, fearing an abduction attempt by China, 300,000 Tibetans surround the Dalai Lama's palace to prevent his removal. Ballsy fuckers, eh?

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On this day in 1969, in Memphis, Tennessee, James Earl Ray pleads guilty to assassinating Martin Luther King Jr. He later unsuccessfully attempts to retract his plea.

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On this day in 1977, astronomers discover rings around Uranus. What's the matter? Don't you ever wash that thing?!

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On this day in 1981, the highly entertaining Dan Rather replaces Walter Cronkite as anchorman for the CBS Evening News. It's all downhill from there.

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On this day in 1997, something called the Senior Golf Slam takes place. Among the event's TV sponsors are Metamucil Code Red, the Rascal Cruzer elder-scooter, and PamPrrrs X-Treme adult diapers.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 9

On this day in 632, the Last Sermon (Khutbah, Khutbatul Wada') of Prophet Muhammad.

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On this day in 1765, after a campaign by the writer Voltaire, judges in Paris posthumously exonerate Jean Calas of murdering his son. Calas had been tortured and executed in 1762 on the charge, though his son may have actually committed suicide.

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On this day in 1796, Napoléon Bonaparte marries his first wife, Joséphine de Beauharnais.

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On this day in 1841, the U.S. Supreme Court rules in the United States v. The Amistad case that captive Africans who had seized control of the ship carrying them had been taken into slavery illegally.

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On this day in 1842, the first documented discovery of gold in California occurs at Rancho San Francisco, six years before the California Gold Rush.

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On this day in 1847, the first large-scale amphibious assault in U.S. history is launched in the Siege of Veracruz.

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On this day in 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt submits the Emergency Banking Act to Congress, the first of his New Deal policies.

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On this day in 1954, CBS television broadcasts the See It Now episode, "A Report on Senator Joseph McCarthy", produced by Fred Friendly.

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On this day in 1959, the Barbie doll makes its debut at the American International Toy Fair in New York.

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On this day in 1976, 42 people die in the 1976 Cavalese cable car disaster, the worst cable-car accident to date.

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On this day in 1991, massive demonstrations are held against Slobodan Milošević in Belgrade.

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On this day in 1997, observers in China, Mongolia and eastern Siberia are treated to a rare double feature as an eclipse permits comet Hale-Bopp to be seen during the day.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 8

On this day in 1010, Ferdowsi completes his epic poem in honor of his homeland, Iran: Shāhnāmeh.

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On this day in 1618, Johannes Kepler discovers the third law of planetary motion.

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On this day in 1655, John Casor becomes the first legally-recognized slave in England's North American colonies where a crime was not committed.

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On this day in 1722, the Safavid Empire of Iran is defeated by an army from Afghanistan at The Battle of Gulnabad, pushing Iran into anarchy.

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On this day in 1775, an anonymous writer, thought by some to be Thomas Paine, publishes "African Slavery in America", the first article in the American colonies calling for the emancipation of slaves and the abolition of slavery.

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On this day in 1782, 96 Native Americans in Gnadenhutten, Ohio, who had converted to Christianity are killed by Pennsylvania militiamen in retaliation for raids carried out by other Indians.

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On this day in 1868, the Sakai incident occurs, when Japanese samurai kill 11 French sailors in the port of Sakai near Osaka.

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On this day in 1910, French aviatrix Raymonde de Laroche becomes the first woman to receive a pilot's license.

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On this day in 1930, the teacher Mohandas "the Mahatma" Gandhi calls for widespread civil disobedience in British-occupied India. The core of Gandhi's movement, which would eventually succeed in expelling the occupiers, was "Satyagraha", a three-part concept including "Sat" (truth) "Ahimsa" (pacifism) and "Tapasya" (the willingness to sacrifice one's self).

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On this day in 1934, astronomer Edwin Hubble reveals a photograph showing that there are as many visible galaxies as there are stars in the Milky Way galaxy. Although Hubble's first words upon seeing the image weren't recorded for posterity, yer old pal Jerky imagines they were probably on the order of: "Holy SHIT-balls! Look at all those fuckin' GALAXIES!!! I'll make millions from the posters, alone!"

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On this day in 1963, the Ba'ath Party comes to power in Syria in a coup d'état by a clique of quasi-leftist Syrian Army officers calling themselves the National Council of the Revolutionary Command.

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On this day in 1978, the first radio episode of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams, is transmitted on BBC Radio 4.

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On this day in 1979, Philips demonstrates the Compact Disc publicly for the first time.

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On this day in 1983, U.S. President Ronald Reagan calls the Soviet Union an "evil empire".

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Also on this day, in 1993, six gallons of milk are delivered to David Koresh's Branch Davidian compound in Elk/Waco/Carmel, on the ninth day of the ATF/FBI siege there. Also, Koresh – whose wounds are healing nicely – sends out a videotape containing footage of the children still trapped in the compound with him… and informs negotiators that all these children are, biologically, his own.

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On this day in 1999, the Crayola company announced that it would be caving in to the requests of various Native American organizations by doing away with the popular Indian Red color crayon. Previously, the last time Crayola changed the name of one of its crayons was in 1962, when civil rights advocates asked that the crayon labeled "flesh" be changed to "peach" in recognition of the fact that not everybody is as pigmentationally challenged as the average member of the Caucasian race. At the time, we here at the Daily Dirt applauded Crayola's politically correct appeasement of a downtrodden minority. Unfortunately, their follow-through hasn't been as good as it should be. For instance, we're still waiting for them to do away with all those other offensive colors, like Zipperhead Yellow, Jungle-bunny Black and Sunset Spic. But hey... progress takes time, I guess.

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On this day in 2004, a new constitution is signed by Iraq's Governing Council. And they lived happily ever after.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 7

On this day in 161, Emperor Antoninus Pius dies and is succeeded by his adoptive sons Marcus Aurelius and Lucius Verus.

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On this day in 1774, British forces close the port of Boston to all commerce. The resulting baked bean shortage leads to a marked increase in the air quality of neighboring colonies.

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On this day in 1799, Napoleon Bonaparte captures Jaffa in Palestine and his troops proceed to kill more than 2,000 Albanian captives.

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On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell is granted a patent for an invention he calls the telephone.

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On this day in 1900, the German liner SS Kaiser Wilhelm der Grosse becomes the first ship to send wireless signals to shore.

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On this day in 1912, Roald Amundsen announces that his expedition had reached the South Pole on December 14, 1911.

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On this day in 1965, a group of 600 civil rights marchers are forcefully broken up in Selma, Alabama.

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On this day in 1985, the song "We Are the World" receives its international release.

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On this day in 1988, one-handed pitcher Jim Abbott wins the 58th James E Sullivan Award, which is given annually to the best one-handed player in Major League Baseball.

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On this day in 1989, Iran drops diplomatic relations with Britain over Salman Rushdie's novel, The Satanic Verses. Britain doesn't much care, seeing as their "relations" with Iran hadn't been very "diplomatic" for decades by then.

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On this day in 1993, Diff'rent Strokes actor Todd Bridges is arrested for stabbing a tenant in the building where he worked as a superintendent. A cyclical process of recovery/relapse ensues, and Entertainment Tonight is there to squeeze every last iota of material from it.

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On this day in 1994, African National Congress chief Nelson Mandela rejects demand by white right-wingers that he establish a separate homeland for them in South Africa. Meanwhile, in Liberia, Charles Taylor resigns as President of of the African nation established by American whites for African blacks who wanted to return to the Motherland after being freed from slavery. There's a joke in there somewhere, but yer old pal Jerky doesn't trust himself to tease it out without getting himself in trouble.

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On this day in 1999, death claims the mighty Kubrick.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 6

On this day in 1521, Ferdinand Magellan arrives at Guam.

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On this day in 1820, the Missouri Compromise is signed into law by President James Monroe. The compromise allows Missouri to enter the Union as a slave state, brings Maine into the Union as a free state, and makes the rest of the northern part of the Louisiana Purchase territory slavery-free.

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On this day in 1834, York, Upper Canada is incorporated as Toronto.

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On this day in 1836, after a thirteen day siege by an army of 3,000 Mexican troops, the 187 Texas volunteers, including frontiersman Davy Crockett and colonel Jim Bowie, defending the Alamo are killed and the fort is captured.

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On this day in 1857, the Supreme Court hands down its decision in the Dred Scott case, establishing that slaves cannot be considered citizens. It would take a Civil War, and the deaths of nearly ¾ of a million Americans, to correct this stupid mistake.

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On this day in 1869, Dmitri Mendeleev presents the first periodic table to the Russian Chemical Society.

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On this day in 1899, Bayer registers "Aspirin" as a trademark.

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On this day in 1943, Norman Rockwell published Freedom from Want in the The Saturday Evening Post with a matching essay by Carlos Bulosan as part of the Four Freedoms series.

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On this day in 1951, the trial of Ethel and Julius Rosenberg begins.

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On this day in 1953, Georgy Malenkov succeeds Joseph Stalin as Premier of the Soviet Union and First Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.

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On this day in 1964, Nation of Islam's Elijah Muhammad officially gives boxing champion Cassius Clay the name Muhammad Ali.

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On this day in 1967, Joseph Stalin's daughter Svetlana Alliluyeva defects to the United States.

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On this day in 1970, an explosion at the Weather Underground safe house in Greenwich Village kills three.

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On this day in 1975, for the first time the Zapruder film of the assassination of John F. Kennedy is shown in motion to a national TV audience by Robert J. Groden and Dick Gregory.

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On this day in 1978, Klan assassin Joseph Paul Franklin shoots and cripples Larry Flynt, apparently because he was enraged by an interracial photo spread published in Hustler Magazine. Franklin was never prosecuted for the attack on Flynt, but he currently sits in hell, considered party to upwards of 20 racially-motivated murders and a number of other violent offenses, including the attempted murder of former Clinton lawyer Vernon Jordan.

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On this day in 1981, Walter Cronkite signs-off as anchorman of The CBS Evening News. Twenty-five years later, he's still kicking himself in the ass for retiring too early and leaving that show-boating loon Dan Rather in charge.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 5

On this day in 1558, Francisco Fernandez introduces smoking tobacco to Europe. Soon thereafter, Fernando Franciscez invents the breath mint.

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On this day in 1770, five Americans, including Crispus Attucks, and a boy, are killed by British troops in an event that would contribute to the outbreak of the American Revolutionary War (also known as the American War of Independence) five years later. At a subsequent trial the soldiers are defended by future U.S. president John Adams.

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On this day in 1836, Samuel Colt patents the first production-model revolver, the .34-caliber.

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On this day in 1868, Englishman C.H. Gould patents the stapler, then sits back and waits for somebody else to patent staples.

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On this day in 1912, Italian forces are the first to use airships for military purposes, employing them for reconnaissance behind Turkish lines.

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On this day in 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt declares a "bank holiday", closing all U.S. banks and freezing all financial transactions.

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On this day in 1933, Adolf Hitler's Nazi Party receives 43.9% at the Reichstag elections. This later allows the Nazis to pass the Enabling Act and establish a dictatorship.

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On this day in 1940, Members of Soviet politburo, including general secretary Joseph Stalin, sign an order for the execution of 25,700 Polish intelligentsia, including 14,700 Polish POWs, known also as the Katyn massacre.

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On this day in 1946, Winston Churchill coins the phrase "Iron Curtain" in his speech at Westminster College, Missouri.

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On this day in 1953, the death of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin is announced. All together now: "Awwwwww!"

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On this day in 1960, Cuban photographer Alberto Korda takes his iconic photograph of Marxist revolutionary Ernesto "Che" Guevara.

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On this day in 1964, a clown is born.

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On this day in 1981, the ZX81, a pioneering British home computer, is launched by Sinclair Research and would go on to sell over 1.5 million units around the world.

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On this day in 1982, the Soviet probe Venera 14 landed on Venus.

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On this day in 1998, psychologically fragile singing diva Mariah Carey divorces her mobbed-up music industry big-shot husband, Tommy Mottola. Wow… that's almost as sad as the death of Stalin!

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On this day in 1999, Paul Okalik is elected first Premier of Nunavut.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 4

On this day in 1519, Spanish explorer Hernán Cortés arrives in Mexico in search of the Aztec civilization and their wealth.

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On this day in 1861, the first national flag of the Confederate States of America - the "Stars and Bars" - is adopted. Four years later, in 1865 - also on this day - the third and final national flag of the Confederate States of America is adopted by the Confederate Congress. None of them are what you probably think they are.

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On this day in 1918, the first case of Spanish flu occurs, in Kansas USA, the start of a devastating worldwide pandemic that would ultimately lead to the deaths of an estimated 100 MILLION human beings - roughly 4 percent of the world's population at the time.

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On this day in 1918, the USS Cyclops departs from Barbados and is never seen again, presumably lost with all hands in the Bermuda Triangle.

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On this day in 1933, Frances Perkins becomes United States Secretary of Labor, the first female member of the United States Cabinet.

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On this day in 1952, future President Ronald Reagan marries fellow actress Nancy Davis. Ah... love's greatest lovers in love!

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During an interview on this day in 1966, Beatle John Lennon says "We're more popular than Jesus." The smell of burning vinyl ensues.

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On this day in 1968, the reverend Martin Luther King Junior announces plans to launch a Poor People's Campaign, to address the color-blind problem of poverty in America. This proves to be the straw that breaks the backs of The Powers That Be, who promptly have MLK assassinated by a "lone nut assassin".

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On this day in 1974, People Magazine is published for the first time in the United States as People Weekly.

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On this day in 1980, nationalist leader Robert Mugabe wins a sweeping election victory to become Zimbabwe's first black prime minister. And they lived happily ever after.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 3

On this day in 468 AD, Saint Simplicius is chosen to succeed Pope Hilarius as Supreme Pontiff of the Holy Roman Catholic Church. This, of course, took place during the Monty Python era of the Dark Ages.

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On this day in 1857, Second Opium War takes place when France and the United Kingdom declare war on China.

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On this day in 1861, Russian Tsar Alexander II abolishes serfdom, prompting his newly-liberated subjects to complain about not having anything to do anymore.

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On this day in 1873, the story of censorship in the United States. The U.S. Congress enacts the Comstock Law, making it illegal to send any "obscene, lewd, or lascivious" books through the mail.

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On this day in 1875, the first ever organized indoor game of ice hockey is played in Montreal, Canada as recorded in The Montreal Gazette.

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On this day in 1885, the American Telephone & Telegraph Company is incorporated in New York.

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On this day in 1913, thousands of women march in a suffrage parade in Washington, D.C.

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On this day in 1915, NACA, the predecessor of NASA, is founded.

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On this day in 1923, TIME magazine is published for the first time.

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On this day in 1924, the thirteen-century-old Islamic caliphate is abolished when Caliph Abdul Mejid II of the Ottoman Empire is deposed. The last remnant of the old regime gives way to the reformed Turkey of Kemal Atatürk.

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On this day in 1931, the United States adopts The Star-Spangled Banner as its national anthem.

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On this day in 1938, oil is discovered in Saudi Arabia.

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On this day in 1939, in Mumbai, Mohandas Gandhi begins to fast in protest at the autocratic rule in India.

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On this day in 1951, Jackie Brenston, with Ike Turner and his band, records "Rocket 88", often cited as "the first rock and roll record", at Sam Phillips' recording studios in Memphis, Tennessee.

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On this day in 1969, the Apollo program: NASA launches Apollo 9 to test the lunar module.

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On this day in 1991, an amateur video captures the beating of Rodney King by Los Angeles police officers.

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On this day in 2004, Belgian brewer Interbrew and Brazilian rival AmBev agree to merge in a $11.2 billion deal that forms InBev, the world's largest brewer.

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On this day in 2005, Steve Fossett becomes the first person to fly an airplane non-stop around the world solo without refueling.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 2

On this day in 537, the Ostrogoth army under king Vitiges began the siege of the capital. Belisarius conducts a delaying action outside the Flaminian Gate; he and a detachment of his bucellarii are almost cut off.

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On this day in 1807, Congress passes an act to "prohibit the importation of slaves into any port or place within the jurisdiction of the United States... from any foreign kingdom, place, or country." But not to worry; with a self-sustaining population of over four million African slaves already held as chattel in the South, they didn't need no new blood, no-how!

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On this day in 1877, a partisan Republican panel declares Rutherford B. Hayes to be the winner of the previous year's election. This, despite his having lost both the popular and, most likely, the electoral college vote, to opponent Samuel J. Tilden, Democrat. After his inauguration as the 19th U.S. president, Hayes was coerced into undoing the work begun by Abraham Lincoln. He caved in to Southern conservative demands that the military withdraw from the region, effectively bringing Reconstruction to an end. One by one, all the former Confederate (traitor) states began stripping blacks of the right to vote, among other things. It would take nearly a century for the Civil Rights movement to gain the strength required to force the feds to once again address this chronic deficiency of the Southern character.

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On this day in 1882, Queen Victoria narrowly escapes an assassination attempt by Roderick McLean in Windsor.

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On this day in 1904, Theodor Geisel is born. Who the fuck is Theodor Geisel, you ask? You folks probably remember him as the immortal Dr Seuss, author of such kiddy classics as Green Eggs and Ham and The Cat in the Hat. But yer old pal Jerky will always remember Geisel as the anonymous author of the illustrated adult-oriented classics Horton Hits a Whore, If I Ran the Sex Zoo, and I am Curious, Oobleck.

***

On this day in 1919, the first Communist International meets in Moscow.

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On this day in 1933, the film King Kong opens at New York's Radio City Music Hall.

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On this day in 1962, Wilt Chamberlain sets the single-game scoring record in the National Basketball Association by scoring 100 points.

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On this day in 1983, Compact Discs and players are released for the first time in the United States and other markets. They had previously been available only in Japan.

***

On this day in 1990, Nelson Mandela is elected deputy President of the African National Congress.

***

On this day in 1993, Branch Davidian cult leader David Koresh promises to give himself up and allow authorities to enter his compound if the media agrees to broadcast a one-hour audiotape of religious teachings he recorded earlier that same morning. At 1:30 in the afternoon, at the behest of FBI negotiators, the Christian Broadcasting Network plays the tape in its entirety. At 5:58 PM, Koresh informs negotiators that God has ordered him to wait a little while longer before coming out.

***

On this day in 1995, researchers at Fermilab announce the discovery of the top quark.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 1

On this day in 752 BC, Romulus, legendary first king of Rome, celebrates the first Roman triumph after his victory over the Caeninenses, following The Rape of the Sabine Women.

***

As of this day in the year 743 AD, because of an official decree, citizens of the Holy Roman Empire are no longer allowed to export their servants and/or children to slave traders from "heathen" lands. This might seem like a progressive move at first glance, but it had the unintended consequence of creating a white slave-trade deficit that sent shockwaves through the global economy.

***

On this day in 1562, 23 Huguenots are massacred by Catholics in Wassy, France, marking the start of the French Wars of Religion.

***

On this day in 1633, Samuel de Champlain reclaims his role as commander of New France on behalf of Cardinal Richelieu.

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On this day in 1692, Sarah Good, Sarah Osborne and Tituba are brought before local magistrates in Salem Village, Massachusetts, beginning what would become known as the Salem witch trials.

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On this day in 1780, Pennsylvania becomes the first American state to abolish hereditary slavery. Children of Pennsylvania slaves were thereafter born "free"… to do what, exactly, Godzilla only knows.

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On this day in 1790, the first United States census is authorized.

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On this day in 1811, King Muhammad Ali Pasha, founder of the modern state of Egypt, personally oversees the murders of over 500 Mameluke warriors in a single day's slaughter. I don't have a joke, here. I just like the word "Mameluke". We don't use it nearly enough these days.

***

On this day in 1872, Yellowstone National Park is established as the world's first national park.

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On this day in 1893, electrical engineer Nikola Tesla gives the first public demonstration of radio in St. Louis, Missouri.

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On this day in 1896, Henri Becquerel discovers radioactivity.

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On this day in 1910, the worst avalanche in United States history buries a Great Northern Railway train in northeastern King County, Washington, killing 96 people.

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On this day in 1912, Albert Berry makes the first parachute jump from a moving airplane.

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On this day in 1932, Charles Lindbergh Jr, the 20-month-old son of Nazi-sympathizing aviation legend Charles Lindbergh Sr, is kidnapped from his nursery in New Jersey. The child's corpse would be discovered buried not very far from the Lindbergh home, two months later, after the family paid a $70,000 ransom. If any of you old-timers know any Lindbergh Baby Jokes, kindly send them to yer old pal Jerky. I'm chokin' for a chuckle!

***

On this day in 1936, the Hoover Dam is completed.

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On this day in 1937, the first ever permanent automobile license plates are issued, in the state of Connecticut. Prior to that, drivers had to chalk in their license numbers on small blackboards that were affixed to the front of every vehicle sold.

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On this day in 1947, the International Monetary Fund begins financial operations.

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On this day in 1953, Soviet Premier Joseph Stalin suffers a stroke and collapses; he dies four days later.

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On this day in 1954, the Castle Bravo, a 15-megaton hydrogen bomb, is detonated on Bikini Atoll in the Pacific Ocean, resulting in the worst radioactive contamination ever caused by the United States.

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On this day in 1954, Puerto Rican nationalists attack the United States Capitol building, injuring five Representatives.

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On this day in 1961, American President John F. Kennedy establishes the Peace Corps.

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On this day in 1966, Venera 3 Soviet space probe crashes on Venus becoming the first spacecraft to land on another planet's surface.

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On this day in 1970, Family-man Charles Manson releases his first album. Entitled Lie, the folk-tinged collection of melodies fails to find an audience. You know, maybe if Manson had scored a gold record, things might not have soured so quickly for the hippies. In other words… it's a good thing it flopped!

***

On this day in 1971, a bomb explodes in a men's room in the United States Capitol: the Weather Underground claims responsibility.

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On this day in 1989, the United States becomes a member of the Berne Convention for the Protection of Literary and Artistic Works.

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On this day in 1990, Steve Jackson Games is raided by the United States Secret Service, prompting the later formation of the Electronic Frontier Foundation.

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On this day in 1998, Titanic became the first film to gross over $1 billion worldwide.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 27

 

On this day in 1812, poet Lord Byron gives his first address as a member of the House of Lords, in defense of Luddite violence against Industrialism in his home county of Nottinghamshire.

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On this day in 1827, Mardi Gras is celebrated for the first time ever in the city of New Orleans, and aside from a few floods, a Civil War, a deadly influenza epidemic and the birth of disco… it's been one long party ever since!

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On this day in 1860, Abraham Lincoln makes a speech at Cooper Union in the city of New York that is largely responsible for his election to the Presidency.

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On this day in 1900, the British Labour Party is founded.

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On this day in 1933, Germany's parliament building in Berlin, the Reichstag, is set on fire. Some people say the Nazis set it on fire on purpose, to assume draconian anti-terrorism powers. But they could have done so either way.

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On this day in 1951, the Twenty-second Amendment to the United States Constitution, limiting Presidents to two terms, is ratified.

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On this day in 1957, Chinese leader Mao Tse Dung delivers his stirring oratory: "On the Correct Handling of Contradictions Among People." The codicil decreeing that "the family should be billed for the bullet" was later added to the printed version by persons unknown.

***

On this day in 1971, doctors in the first Dutch abortion clinic (the Mildredhuis in Arnhem) start to perform aborti provocati.

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On this day in 1973, the American Indian Movement (AIM) occupies Wounded Knee, South Dakota.

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On this day in 1974, People Magazine publishes its first issue. Collective brain damage via celebrity trivia overload ensues.

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On this day in 1981, Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder record Ebony & Ivory, the song which ended all racism, everywhere. 

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On this day in 1991, U.S. President George H. W. Bush announces that "Kuwait is liberated", thus bringing an end to the first Gulf War. Also on this day, millionaire pornography impresario Artie Mitchell is shot to death by his brother and business partner Jim at his luxurious home in San Francisco. After an OJ-esque trial where extensive use was made of computer-generated re-creations of the crime scene, Jim Mitchell was found guilty of manslaughter and sentenced to a mere six years in the slammer. He's back on the streets, now, running a strip club.

***

On this day in 1998, Apple discontinues developing their Newton line of computers. All together now… AWWWW!!!

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On this day in 2003, Fred Rogers, ordained Presbyterian minister and beloved host of PBS's long-running Mister Roger's Neighborhood, dies of stomach cancer at his home in Pittsburgh. He was seventy four years old. Over a career that spanned children's educational television from its humble, black and white beginnings in the early sixties, through the elaborate musical numbers of the seventies, beyond the eighties and its cults of personality, and all the way through the surrealism of the nineties, Mister Rogers' brand of gentle entertainment not only survived, but thrived. His show was, in fact, at its most popular in the mid-80's. The fact that his show did so well without ever making any substantial changes makes his achievement doubly amazing. By all accounts, Fred Rogers was the proverbial "good man." His family loved him. Kids truly loved him. People caught in the grips of grindingly bad acid trips loved him for the Valium-like effect he had on the state of their souls. But hey... he had to kick the bucket some time! Am I right, people?!

***

On this day in 2004, the initial version of the John Jay Report, with details about the Catholic sexual abuse scandal in the United States, is released.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 26

 

On this day in 747 BC, the origin of Ptolemy's Nabonassar Era... whatever that is.

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On this day in 1616, representatives from the Spanish Inquisition deliver an injunction to Galileo, instructing him to keep his mouth shut about all that "science" and "outer space" stuff. According to official documents in the Vatican archives, Galileo is currently writhing in an ever-burning oven down in Hell, ruing the day he decided to cross the Catholic Church by thinking for himself. But never forget, folks… God LOVES you!

***

On this day in 1815, Napoleon Bonaparte escapes from Elba.

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On this day in 1848, Marx and Engels publish their Communist Manifesto. Chaos ensues. 

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On this day in 1917, the Original Dixieland Jass Band records the first jazz record, for the Victor Talking Machine Company in New York.

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On this day in 1919, President Woodrow Wilson signs an act of the U.S. Congress establishing most of the Grand Canyon as a United States National Park - the Grand Canyon National Park.

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On this day in 1920, the first German Expressionist film and early horror movie, Robert Wiene's The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, receives its première in Berlin.

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On this day in 1926, Dark Street in the Bronx renamed Lustre Street. It changes nothing.

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On this day in 1930, the first ever red/green traffic lights are installed in Manhattan, New York. Hundreds of commuters perish in horrific head-ons as most drivers are hypnotized by the mysterious-yet-beautiful luminous street ornaments. 

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On this day in 1935, Adolf Hitler orders the Luftwaffe to be re-formed, violating the provisions of the Treaty of Versailles.

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On this day in 1983. Michael "Jacko" Jackson's Thriller album claims the number one spot on the Billboard charts and remains there for an astonishing 37 weeks. Yer old pal Jerky figures the only reason this album was so successful is because Vincent Price makes a special guest vocal appearance on the title track.

***

On this day in 1987, the Tower Commission rebukes President Ronald Reagan for not controlling his national security staff during the Iran-Contra affair.

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On this day in 1993, the World Trade Center is bombed by militant Islamic terrorists. 7 people die and scores are injured in the massive blast, which knocks away three floors of underground parking. If the explosion at the base of the Twin Towers had been just a little bit more powerful, it would have collapsed both buildings, most likely killing most of the estimated forty thousand workers, tenants and tourists who were in the building at the time.

***

On this day in 1994, stand-up philosopher Bill Hicks dies of pancreatic cancer at the ripe old age of 33. The dissident Texan has been dead for three decades, and his words are more relevant now than ever before... almost prophetically so. 

See today's "Google This" for more details, and download some of his comedy routines off Kazaa or something, while you still can.

Obviously, this is dated. You can't do any of this now. But you can still seek bill's wisdom here.

***

On this day in 1998, Oprah Winfrey wins her "battle of the titans" when she beat a bunch of litigious Texas cattlemen who sued the BSE-freaked TV hostess for telling her millions-strong viewing audience she'd never eat another hamburger.

***

On this day in 1999, Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) and Senator Robert Bennet (R-Utah) - ranking members of the Senate Special Committee on the Y2K Problem - went on CBS's Face the Nation and basically freaked out the entire panel. Of the then-looming Y2K disaster, the Senators said: "This is one of the most serious and potentially devastating events this nation has ever encountered." They claimed that the millennial chaos could include lives lost to malfunctioning medical equipment, erased banking records, massive blackouts and missiles from other countries automatically launching themselves. "Any responsible household would prepare and have on hand a two- or three-day supply." Eventually, of course, it was discovered that the whole Y2K thing was a load of hogshit devised by The Powers That Be to fuck up what would otherwise have been the ultimate New Year's Eve party of all fucking time. And, seeing as most people stayed home on the night of Dec 31, shotguns across their laps, ready to defend their 30-lb containers of Minute Rice and their bathtubs full of spring water, it looks like the party-pooping finger-sniffers succeeded.

***

On this day in 2013, a hot air balloon crashes near Luxor, Egypt, killing 19 people.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 25

 On this day in 1336, 4,000 defenders of Pilėnai commit a mass suicide rather than be taken captive by the Teutonic Knights.

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On this day in 1570, Pope Pius V excommunicates Queen Elizabeth I of England.

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On this day in 1751, the first performing monkey is exhibited in America. At the time, nobody could have guessed that this was the inaugural trip at the top of the slippery slope that led to a performing monkey being installed in the White House, two and a half centuries later. 

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On this day in 1838, a man in London walks 20 miles backwards, then retraces his route (walking forwards this time) in an astonishing 8 hour marathon of idiocy. Now you know what people did before television came along to fill their empty, meaningless lives!

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On this day in 1866, miners in Calaveras County, California, discover what is now called the Calaveras Skull, human remains that supposedly indicated that man, mastodons, and elephants had co-existed.

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On this day in 1870, Hiram Rhodes Revels, a Republican from Mississippi, is sworn into the United States Senate, becoming the first African American ever to sit in the U.S. Congress.

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On this day in 1901, conspiracy-magnet J.P. Morgan incorporates the United States Steel Corporation.

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On this day in 1932, Adolf Hitler obtains German citizenship by naturalization, which allows him to run in the 1932 election for Reichspräsident.

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On this day in 1956, in his speech On the Personality Cult and its Consequences Nikita Khrushchev, leader of the Soviet Union denounces the cult of personality of Joseph Stalin.

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On this day in 1960, avant garde composer John Cage's Music for Amplified Toy Pianos is first performed. Unfortunately for the audience, the piece really does sound like a bunch of toy pianos, amplified. Cage achieved his unique sound for the piece by taking actual toy pianos… and amplifying them. What a GENIUS!

***

On this day in 1964, boxer Cassius Clay TKOs the fearsome champion, Sonny Liston, in the 7th round, thus winning the world heavyweight championship. Cassius would go on to convert to Islam, change his name, dodge the draft, and gain international recognition as a Great American. Seems incongruous now, doesn't it?

***

On this day in 1982, the final episode of The Lawrence Welk Show airs. Bubbles ensue.

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On this day in 1986, President of the Philippines Ferdinand Marcos flees the nation after 20 years of rule; Corazon Aquino becomes the Philippines' first woman president.

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On this day in 1989, the Dallas Cowboys NFL franchise fires legendary coach Tom Landry after a storied 29-year career. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1991, during the Gulf War, an Iraqi Scud missile hits an American military barracks in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia killing 28 U.S. Army Reservists from Pennsylvania.

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On this day in 1991, the Warsaw Pact is declared disbanded.

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On this day in 1994, in the Cave of the Patriarchs in the West Bank city of Hebron, Baruch Goldstein opens fire with an automatic rifle, killing 29 Palestinian worshippers and injuring 125 more before being subdued and beaten to death by survivors.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 24

 

On this day in 1303, the Battle of Roslin takes place during the First War of Scottish Independence.

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On this day in the year 1807, seventeen sadistic voyeurs get what they deserve when they are trampled into a foamy pink pulp while attempting to get a good view of a triple public execution in jolly old England.

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On this day in 1821, Mexico gains its independence from Spain.

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On this day in 1822, the 1st Swaminarayan temple in the world, Shri Swaminarayan Mandir, Ahmedabad, is inaugurated.

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On this day in 1868, Andrew Johnson becomes the first President of the United States to be impeached by the United States House of Representatives. He is later acquitted in the Senate.

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On this day in 1920, the Nazi Party is founded.

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On this day in 1923, in an all-out effort to eliminate the competition, the US federal government launches a wave of Mafia arrests.

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On this day in 1933, the League of Nations tells Japan to pull out of Manchuria. Japan objects on the grounds that it hasn't blown its load, yet.

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On this day in 1942, an order-in-council passed under the Defence of Canada Regulations of the War Measures Act gives the Canadian federal government the power to intern all "persons of Japanese racial origin".

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On this day in 1945, Egyptian Premier Ahmed Maher Pasha is killed in Parliament after reading a decree.

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On this day in 1980, the United States Olympic Hockey team completes their Miracle on Ice by defeating Finland 4-2 to win the gold medal.

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On this day in 1988, the United States Supreme Court overturns a $200,000 settlement awarded to Jerry Falwell over his claim that he suffered emotional distress when he was jokingly accused of having lost his virginity to his own mother during a drunken tryst in an outhouse by one of the writers at Hustler Magazine. Ultimately, the Supes decided that, although in poor taste, Hustler's parody was protected by the First Amendment. We here at the Daily Dirt get down on our knees and thank Godzilla for this great precedent, every day.

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On this day in 1989, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini offers a US$3 million bounty for the death of The Satanic Verses author Salman Rushdie. Meanwhile, over the Pacific Ocean, United Airlines Flight 811, bound for New Zealand from Honolulu, Hawaii, rips open during flight, blowing 9 passengers out of the business-class section. And finally, also on this day, a security guard finds a fat, ugly super-fan by the name of Margaret Ray in David Letterman's house (the late night host was away at the time). When confronted, Ray claims to be Letterman's wife, but her story fails to wash. Ray's obsession eventually switches targets, focusing instead on moon-walking All-American, Buzz Aldrin. Soon after that, she knelt down on some train tracks and kissed a high-balling freight train goodbye.

***

On this day in 2008, Fidel Castro retires as the President of Cuba after nearly fifty years.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 23

 

If at first you don't succeed... on this day in the year 1574, Catholic France begins its fifth "Holy War" against French Protestant Huguenots. The reason why you don't know what a Huguenot is, is because they killed them all.

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On this day in 1820, a plot to murder all the British cabinet ministers is exposed. The Cato Street Conspiracy.

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On this day in 1836, the Battle of the Alamo begins in San Antonio, Texas. Remember?

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On this day in 1861, President-elect Abraham Lincoln arrives secretly in Washington, D.C., after the thwarting of an alleged assassination plot in Baltimore, Maryland.

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On this day in 1896, the Tootsie Roll is invented.

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On this day in 1898, writer Émile Zola is imprisoned in France after writing "J'accuse", a letter accusing the French government of antisemitism and wrongfully imprisoning Captain Alfred Dreyfus.

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On this day in 1903, Cuba leases Guantánamo Bay to the United States "in perpetuity".

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On this day in 1918, the last monarch of Mecklenburg-Strelitz commits suicide.

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On this day in 1927, German theoretical physicist Werner Heisenberg writes a letter to fellow physicist Wolfgang Pauli, in which he describes his uncertainty principle for the first time.

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On this day in 1941, Plutonium is first produced and isolated by Dr. Glenn T. Seaborg.

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On this day in 1954, the first mass inoculation of children against polio with the Salk vaccine begins in Pittsburgh.

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On this day in 1987, Supernova 1987a is seen in the Large Magellanic Cloud.

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On this day in 1997, a small fire occurs in the Russian space station, Mir.

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It was on this day in 1999 that yer old pal Jerky took over writing duties on The Daily Dirt from the previous author, Pig McBaker, after Pig decided to pursue career opportunities in Angola, where he worked alongside Jonas Malheiro Savimbi, leader of the Angolan rebel group UNITA. Unfortunately, Savimbi was killed by the Angolan army a while back, and yer old pal Jerky hasn't heard from Pig ever since. Hey, Pig! If you're reading this, drop us a line and let us know you're still out there!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 22

 

On this day in 1455, inventor Johannes Gutenberg prints the first-ever "mass produced" book: the Holy Bible. It immediately rockets to the top of the bestseller charts.

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On this day in the year 1630, native Americans introduce malnourished pilgrims to the delicacy we now call popcorn during a Thanksgiving feast. The pilgrims show their appreciation for the natives' generosity by giving them bibles, fire-water and smallpox-infested blankets.

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On this day in 1821, Spain sells a huge chunk of Florida to the United States for $5 million bucks. In other words, they totally ripped us off!

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On this day in 1651, a storm surge floods Germany coast, drowning 15.000 people in what people call St. Peter's Flood.

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On this day in 1879, in Utica, New York, Frank Woolworth opens the first of many of 5 and dime Woolworth stores.

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On this day in 1945, four US Marines create the "photo op of the century" when they raise the flag on Iwo Jima.

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On this day in 1973, following President Richard Nixon's visit to the People's Republic of China, the two countries agree to establish liaison offices. One year later, on this day in 1974, Samuel Byck tries and fails to assassinate Nixon.

***

On this day in 1980, in Lake Placid, New York, the United States hockey team defeats the Soviet Union hockey team 4-3 in a game that has been dubbed the Miracle on Ice.

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On this day in 1983, the notorious Broadway flop Moose Murders opens and closes on the same night at the Eugene O'Neill Theatre.

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On this day in 1985, the Senate confirms Edwin Meese III as Ronald Reagan's Attorney General. He is only marginally less puritanical, corrupt and religiously insane than Dubya's boy, Jesus H. Ashcroft.

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On this day in 1994, Aldrich Ames and his wife are charged by the United States Department of Justice with spying for the Soviet Union.

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Also on this day, in 1992, Kurt "Voice of a Generation" Cobain and Courtney "Fucked the Voice of a Generation" Love get married, and live happily ever after.

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On this day in 1997, scientists in Scotland announce the successful cloning of Dolly the Sheep, the first mammal ever to be cloned from adult cells. It was one small step for science, and a giant leap forward in the Scottish plot to breed a race of sexually irresistible super-sheep.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 21

 

On this day in 1808, without a previous declaration of war, Russian troops cross the border to Sweden at Abborfors in eastern Finland, thus beginning the Finnish war, in which Sweden will lose the eastern half of the country (Finland) to Russia.

***

On this day in 1828, the first American Indian newspaper debuts. A weekly, Georgia's Cherokee Phoenix is mostly remembered for its boring comics page, which consisted exclusively of stick figure men chucking spears at crudely drawn buffalo. 

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On this day in 1848, Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish The Communist Manifesto.

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On this day in 1878, the first telephone book is issued in New Haven, Connecticut.

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On this day in 1885, the Washington Monument is formally dedicated in honor of America's first president, George Washington. At the time, the 555-foot obelisk was the tallest man-made structure in the world, and is still the tallest structure in the nation's capital, by decree of law. Some trouble-makers claim the majestic, masonic structure looks like a big white cock, but yer old pal Jerky thinks it looks more like... um... a big white cock with a little pyramid where the glans should be, I guess.

***

On this day in 1887, the first US bacteriology laboratory opens in Brooklyn, New York. Bacteriological research ensues. 

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On this day in 1925, the first issue of smart-set fave The New Yorker Magazine is published, to the flutter of dainty, white-gloved applause. Unfortunately, The New Yorker rarely if ever publishes any information real New Yorkers can use, like how to survive a Central Park swarming, or which cab companies employ the least "disgruntled" foreigners.

***

On this day in 1947, inventor E.H. Land demonstrates the first ever "instant developing" camera in New York, forever changing the way modern man hunts beavers.

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On this day in 1948, NASCAR is incorporated. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1958, the peace symbol, commissioned by Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament in protest against the Atomic Weapons Research Establishment, is designed and completed by Gerald Holtom. Of course, conservative movementarians and Dark Christians claim the symbol is "Satanic".

***

On this day in 1965, Malcolm X is assassinated at the Audubon Ballroom in New York City by members of the Nation of Islam.

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On this day in 1973, over the Sinai Desert, Israeli fighter aircraft shoot down Libyan Arab Airlines Flight 114 jet killing 108.

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On this day in 1988, his squinty eyes pouring crocodile tears, televangelist Jimmy Swaggart goes before his sheep-like tele-congregation and screams: "I have sinned against you!" This is because the big phony had been caught paying some loathsome Baton Rouge gutter-skank to do a little dance and finger her cooze while he watched and pulled his anatomy. Swaggart's mea culpa was halfhearted at best, however, as he was soon caught with yet another prostitute. To this day, Swaggart continues to preach in hell.

***

On this day in 1991, the USSR announces that Iraq has agreed to a proposal to end the Gulf War. The USG calls the plan unacceptable, because they hadn't killed enough Iraqis yet.