PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 28

On this day in 1420, Beijing is officially designated the capital of the Ming Dynasty on the same year that the Forbidden City, the seat of government, is completed.

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On this day in 1516, Turkish forces under the Grand Vizier Sinan Pasha defeat the Mameluks near Gaza in the Battle of Yaunis Khan.

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On this day in 1538, the first university in the New World, the Universidad Santo Tomás de Aquino, is established. It would take another 98 years before a vote of the Great and General Court of the Massachusetts Bay Colony would establish the first college in what would become the United States, today known as Harvard University, on this day in 1636.

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On this day in the year 1900, after over five fucking months of competition, the Paris Olympic Games finally come to an end, much to the delight and relief of everyone involved.

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On this day in 1919, U.S. Congress passes the Volstead Act over President Woodrow Wilson's veto, paving the way for Prohibition to begin the following January. Crime - both organized and not-so-organized - ensues.

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On this day in 1922, Italian fascists led by Benito Mussolini march on Rome and take over the Italian government.

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On this day in 1948, Swiss chemist Paul Müller is awarded the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine for his discovery of the insecticidal properties of DDT. Today, after a few decades in the doghouse, it seems as though the substance is poised to make a comeback, for better or for worse.

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On this day in 1962, USSR leader Nikita Khrushchev orders the removal of Soviet missiles from Cuba, effectively bringing an end to the Cuban Missile Crisis.

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On this day in 1965, Nostra Aetate, the "Declaration on the Relation of the Church with Non-Christian Religions" of the Second Vatican Council, is promulgated by Pope Paul VI. This declaration officially absolves the Jews of responsibility for the death of Jesus, reversing Pope Innocent III's 760 year-old dictum to the contrary.

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On this day in 1965, construction on the St. Louis Arch is completed. Did you know you can ride an elevator up to the top of this damned thing?! I wouldn't, but you might want to some day.

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On this day in 2005, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, Vice-president Dick Cheney's chief of staff, is indicted in the Valerie Plame Affair. Libby resigns later that day. Here's a little something I wrote about that massive debacle, back in the day.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 27

On this day in 312, during the Battle of the Milvian Bridge, Constantine the Great is said to have received his famous Vision of the Cross, after which he decides to fight "under the protection of the Christian God" by slapping crosses on his soldiers' shields and armor. His troops win the battle and Christianity starts its long march towards becoming the most important world religion for the next thousand-plus years.

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On this day in 1553, after being condemned as a heretic, Spanish theologian, physician, cartographer and Renaissance humanist Michael Servetus is burned at the stake just outside Geneva.

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On this day in 1682, the city of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - the City of Brotherly Love - is founded.

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On this day in 1838, Missouri governor Lilburn Boggs issues the Extermination Order, which orders all Mormons to leave the state or be exterminated. Seriously.

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On this day in 1904, the first underground New York City Subway line opens; the system becomes the biggest in United States, and one of the biggest in world.

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On this day in 1936, Mrs Wallis Simpson files for divorce which would eventually allow her to marry King Edward VIII of the United Kingdom, thus forcing his abdication from the throne.

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On this day in 1962, Major Rudolf Anderson of the United States Air Force becomes the only direct human casualty of the Cuban Missile Crisis when his U-2 reconnaissance airplane is shot down in Cuba by a Soviet-supplied SA-2 Guideline surface-to-air missile.

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On this day in 1962, A plane carrying Enrico Mattei, post-war Italian administrator, crashes under mysterious circumstances. Don't they all?

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On this day in 1964, washed up actor Ronald Reagan delivers a speech on behalf of Republican candidate for president, Barry Goldwater.

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On this day in 1986, the British government suddenly deregulates financial markets, leading to a total restructuring of the way in which they operate in the country, in an event now referred to as the Big Bang.

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On this day in 1988, President Ronald Reagan decides to tear down the new U.S. Embassy in Moscow because of Soviet listening devices in the building structure.

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On this day in 1999, gunmen open fire in the Armenian Parliament, killing Prime Minister Vazgen Sargsyan, Parliament Chairman Karen Demirchyan, and 6 other members.

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On this day in 2005, riots begin in Paris after the deaths of two Muslim teenagers who were running from police. It was some batshit crazy bullshit that went down, and that's for damn sure. Check out this timeline for more information.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 26

On this day in 1776, Benjamin Franklin departs from America for France on a mission to seek French support for the American Revolution. It works!

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On this day in 1944, the Battle of Leyte Gulf – the largest naval battle in history – ends with an overwhelming American victory against Japan.

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On this day in 1967, Iran’s shah, Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, crowns himself Emperor of Iran and then crowns his wife Farah Empress of Iran.

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On this day in 1984, Baby Fae receives a heart transplant from a baboon.

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On this day in 1999, Britain's House of Lords votes to end the right of hereditary peers to vote in Britain's upper chamber of Parliament.

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On this day in 2001, America's political class passes the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. into law without even really trying to READ the damned thing..

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On this day in the year 1988, American and Soviet scientists combine their efforts to save two gray whales from certain death after the beasts are suddenly surrounded by miles of unbroken ice off the coast of Alaska. They work day and night for nearly a week, cutting holes in the ice so the whales can surface and breathe. Meanwhile, a tribe of harpoon-clutching Eskimos - their tummies grumbling - can only shake their heads as they watch this absurdly expensive and time-consuming rescue effort escort a month's worth of food towards open water.

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On this day in 1988, after doing four months of "consulting" work, oleaginous real estate tycoon Donald Trump issues a $2,000,000 invoice to heavyweight cannibal rapist Iron Mike Tyson, thereby inadvertently revealing the secret to all his financial success: STEALING from mentally unstable people! And he continues that habit to this very day!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 25

On this day in 1415, the army of Henry V of England defeats the numerically superior French army at the Battle of Agincourt. It was an important battle in many ways, not least of which being the novel use of the English longbow, used in very large numbers. The battle is also the centerpiece of the play Henry V, by William Shakespeare.

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You've probably heard of the Charge of the Light Brigade, even though you probably never really knew what it was all about. Well, the "light brigade" in question "charged" on this day in 1854. It was at the Battle of Balaklava, during the Crimean War. A witness to the charge, Marshal Canrobert, declared: "C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!" which means "it's nice, but it's not butter!" or something. I'm not sure. My French is a little rusty these days.

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On this day in 1861, the Toronto Stock Exchange is created. Big freakin' whoop.

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On this day in 1917, the Russian Royal Family's Winter Palace in Petrograd, Russia is captured. This is the traditionally understood date of the beginning of the October Revolution.

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On this day in 1940, Benjamin O. Davis, Sr. is named the first African American general in the United States Army.

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On this day in 1962, US ambassador to the UN Adlai Stevenson shows photos at a meeting of the United Nations Security Council proving that Soviet missiles are installed in Cuba.

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On this day in 1999, the Coca-Cola company start market-testing a new vending machine that senses the air temperature and raises the price of the product when it gets really hot outside. At the time, Coke chairman Doug Ivester defended the concept to various brown-nosing business reporters, saying: "Coca-Cola is a product whose utility varies from moment to moment." Justice was soon done, however, as Ivester would soon become the subject of one of the most humiliating corporate turfings in the history of corporate turfings, although the $120 million golden parachute he got probably helped to cushion the blow quite a bit...

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Also on this day in 1999, a runaway Learjet with golf pro Payne Stewart (and five others) on board crashes near Mina, South Dakota, after flying on autopilot for several hours. It is believed the accident is due to a loss of cabin pressure at high altitude, which would have caused all on board to go unconscious from lack of oxygen. After air traffic controllers lost contact with the plane, it was tracked by the FAA, assisted by several Air Force and Air National Guard fighters and an AWACS radar control plane, up until when it crashed. The 9/11 Commission will later compare NORAD’s response to this incident with its response to Flight 11 on 9/11, and claim: “There is no significant difference in NORAD’s reaction to the two incidents,” thus making the 9/11 Commission Report perhaps the greatest work of political satire since The Warren Commission, released roughly four decades earlier.

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HEY GUYS! If you enjoy the content I create and share with you here via the Daily Dirt Diaspora family of blogs - currently including the Daily Dirt Diaspora, the Useless Eater Blog, and Kubrick U - and you buy stuff through AMAZON.COM or (if you're in Canada, obviously) AMAZON.CA... would you mind occasionally entering those two sites via the links that I am providing here? Because when you do, I get a very small kickback, at ZERO COST to you! It's a great way to help keep yer old pal Jerky creating content! Because, man, let me tell you, the last time anyone tossed anything into my tip jar, I think we were all worrying about the potential of the FIRST Trump Regime. Ah... happier days, eh? So come on, man! Use my Amazon portals, and keep me from having to set up a freaking Patreon account, like all the Worst People in the World are doing these days!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 24TH

1795 — Poland is completely consumed by Russia, Prussia, and Austria.

Poland was completely consumed by three neighboring countries. Not invaded. Consumed. Apparently, Europe had invented the geopolitical equivalent of a progressive dinner, and Poland was the entrée. “Poland disappeared off the map. Three countries agreed to split it up. It was the first international HOA dispute.”

1876 — The Shinpūren Rebellion in Japan.

A group of former samurai rebelled against Westernization and the abolition of the feudal hierarchy. They were upset that Japan was modernizing and that their jobs were disappearing.

Imagine being a samurai in 1876. For centuries, your family has been trained to kill people with swords. Suddenly, the government says, “We’re going in a different direction.” Turns out, ‘highly trained sword guy’ isn’t a transferable skill.

It’s the original case of You’re being replaced by technology. Except the technology was a guy with a gun.

1900 — The United States plans to buy the Danish West Indies for $7 million.

In 1900, the United States announced plans to buy the Danish West Indies for $7 million. America was shopping for islands. Even back then, we were buying things we couldn’t afford and calling it expansion.

Seven million dollars! That’s practically nothing for a tropical island chain. Today, you can’t even get a decent two-bedroom condo in Florida for that. And Florida comes with Florida.

1901 — Annie Edson Taylor became the first person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

Finally, a woman who looked at a perfectly good waterfall and thought, “You know what this needs? A barrel.”

She was 63 years old, which means she’d lived long enough to know better and decided to go anyway. She went over the falls in a barrel. Most people her age take up gardening. She chose plumbing.

And she survived! Proving that if you’re going to make a terrible life decision, it helps to have a really sturdy barrel.

1929 — Black Thursday begins the Wall Street Crash.

On Black Thursday, the stock market began its catastrophic collapse, helping usher in the Great Depression.

Wall Street discovered that everybody was buying stocks with money they didn’t have, based on profits that didn’t exist, in companies nobody understood.The market crashed, and millions lost everything. The bankers learned a valuable lesson: next time, make sure you’re holding somebody else’s money.

Basically, the same business model as Wall Street today... except people wore hats.

2008 — Bloody Friday: Stock markets plunge around the world.

In 2008, stock exchanges around the world suffered catastrophic declines, with many indexes dropping about 10%.

'Whoops, I did it again!' 79 years later...

The people responsible? They were rewarded with enormous bonuses because apparently, when you destroy the economy, you become management material.

2018 — The Hong Kong–Zhuhai–Macau Bridge opens.

The world’s longest sea crossing opened to public traffic, connecting Hong Kong, Zhuhai, and Macau.

A magnificent feat of engineering: A bridge connecting three cities across the sea. Meanwhile, I can’t get across town without hitting road construction.

Humanity can build a bridge across the ocean, but we still can’t build a website that remembers my password.

We can conquer the sea. We can move mountains. We can connect cities separated by water.

But if I forget one capital letter, one number, and the name of my first pet, I’m locked out of my own life.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 23

On this day in 1790, African slaves revolt en masse against their oppressors on the island nation of Haiti. But don't worry! Sweet ORDER is soon brutally restored by the French, oddly enough.

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On this day in 1861, US President Abraham Lincoln suspends the writ of habeas corpus in Washington, DC for all military-related cases.

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On this day in 1917, Russian revolutionary V.I. Lenin calls for the October Revolution. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1929, after a steady decline in stock market prices since a peak in September, the New York Stock Exchange begins to show signs of panic before sliding into the full-fledged Great Depression.

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On this day in 1958, the Smurfs, a fictional race of blue dwarves, later popularized in a Hanna-Barbera animated cartoon series, appear for the first time in the story La flute à six schtroumpfs, a Johan and Peewit adventure by Peyo, which is serialized in the weekly Spirou magazine.

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On this day in 1983, as a direct result of President Ronald Reagan's political decision to maintain a land-base in war-torn Beirut - a decision, which flew in the face of advice from military brass - 241 Marines are slaughtered when a smiling terrorist drives a truck loaded with 2000 lbs of TNT and compressed gas into the barracks building lobby. Two days later, in what many viewed as an attempt to divert the public's attention from his disastrous foreign policy fuck-up, Reagan orders the Marines to invade Grenada, a tiny spice-producing country with 125,000 citizens. It was this incident, and not Lewisnkygate, that inspired the film Wag the Dog.

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On this day in 1999, cavorting with all those fart-inhaling, vomit-spewing, lesbian, necrophiliac Down Syndrome dwarves finally pays off for radio shock-jock Howard Stern when, after 21 years of marriage, he announces that he and his wife Alison are getting a divorce. Lucky for Howard, his fan-base chooses to ignore the fact that this means his book and movie, Private Parts, was a load of horse-shit happy talk.

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On this day in 2002, the Moscow Theatre Siege begins when Chechen terrorists seize the House of Culture theater in Moscow, taking approximately 850 theater-goers hostage. Demanding the withdrawal of Russian forces from Chechnya and an end to the Second Chechen War was official siege leader Movsar Barayev. After a two-and-a-half days, Russian Alpha Group commandos pumped knock-out gas (some maintain that it was weaponized fentanyl) into the building's ventilation system before raiding it. During the raid, all 40 attackers are killed and about 130 hostages die from the gas.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 22

On this day in the year 4004 BC, at exactly 8 PM, THE LORD THY GOD begins creating the universe. At least, that's the story according to seventeenth century Anglican archbishop James Usher, who no doubt spent uncountable minutes pouring over dozens of Bibles to reach his theologically-binding conclusions.

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On this day in 1797, one thousand meters above Paris, André-Jacques Garnerin makes the first recorded parachute jump. Quite the gutsy move for a Frenchman!

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On this day in 1844, a group of Millerites – followers of Christian evangelical figure William Miller – anticipate the end of the world in conjunction with the Second Advent of Christ. When the world fails to end the following day, it becomes known as the Great Disappointment. Heheh… Christians.

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On this day in 1924, the public speaking organization Toastmasters International is founded.

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On this day in 1926, some idiot named J. Gordon Whitehead sucker punches magician Harry Houdini in the stomach in Montreal, precipitating his death.

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On this day in 1962, US President John F. Kennedy announces that American reconnaissance planes have discovered Soviet nuclear weapons in Cuba, and that he has ordered a naval "quarantine" of the Communist nation.

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On this day in 1964, French philosopher/novelist Jean-Paul Sartre is awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature, but turns down the honor.

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On this day in 1964, a Multi-Party Parliamentary Committee selects the design which eventually becomes the new official Flag of Canada.

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On this day in 1975, Air Force sargeant Leonard Matlovich, a decorated Vietnam veteran, is given a "general" discharge after coming out of the closet as a gay man. Not the kind of man to take such a thing lying down (he preferred "taking it" whilst on all fours), Matlovich launched a legal challenge against the Air Force's no homos policy, sparking a controversy that landed him on the cover of Time Magazine. Matlovich's lawsuit failed to get the ban tossed out, but after four years in court, he succeeded in getting his discharge upgraded to "honorable." Nine years after that, he died of AIDS. His epitaph in the Congressional Cemetery reads: "A gay Vietnam Veteran. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one."

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On this day in 1976, Red Dye No. 4 is banned by the US Food and Drug Administration after it is discovered that it causes tumors in the bladders of dogs. The dye is still used in Canada.

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On this day in 1979, the Walt Disney World entertainment complex welcomes Sue Anne Dobbs, their one-hundred-millionth visitor! Later that night, Mickey Mouse-headed thugs kidnap Dobbs from her hotel room and drag her down into the Magic Kingdom's vast network of underground tunnels. There, they offer her up as a blood sacrifice to their cryogenically frozen idol/God, Walt Disney, who surveys the wanton butchery from behind the frosted Plexiglas window of his icy sarcophagus.

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On this day in 1986, WNBC-AM NYC traffic reporter Jane Dornnacker transmitting a traffic report over the airwaves when her helicopter crashes to the ground for some reason, killing her and her pilot as a stunned radio audience listens live.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 21

On this day, in the year 1520, world explorer Magellan first discovers the Straits of Magellan, and his mind is, like, totally blown away by the coincidence!

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On this day in 1879, in his Menlo Park, New Jersey lab, half-mad inventor Thomas Edison first shows off his new-fangled flameless illumination flask, soon to be known as the light-bulb.

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On this day in 1921, President Warren G. Harding delivers the first speech by a sitting President against lynching in the Deep South. It doesn’t work.

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On this day in 1921, director George Melford's silent film The Sheik, starring Rudolph Valentino, premiers. Soaked panties ensue.

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On this day in 1931, the Sakurakai, a secret society in the Imperial Japanese Army, launches an abortive coup d'état attempt. Pretty lame secret society, there, guys…

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On this day in 1940, the first edition of Ernest Hemingway’s novel For Whom the Bell Tolls is published. The ending of that novel still has the power to piss readers off.

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On this day in 1944, the first kamikaze attack takes place when a Japanese plane carrying a 440 lb bomb attacks HMAS Australia off Leyte Island as the Battle of Leyte Gulf begins.

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On this day in 1945, women are allowed to vote in France for the first time.

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On this day in 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signs an executive order transferring Wernher von Braun and other German (and yes, NAZI) scientists from the United States Army to the “civilian” organization, NASA.

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On this day in the year 1969, in the African nation of Somalia, the deeply corrupt government is overthrown in a bloodless coup. Since then, thanks mostly to the excellent marketing efforts of the world's shadiest international arms dealers, Somalia's subsequent coups have been a hell of a lot more bloody.

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On this day in 1978, Australian civilian pilot Frederick Valentich vanishes in a Cessna 182 over the Bass Strait south of Melbourne, after reporting contact with an unidentified aircraft.

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On this day in 1995, President William Jefferson Clinton signs a classified presidential order “directing the Departments of Justice, State and Treasury, the National Security Council, the CIA, and other intelligence agencies to increase and integrate their efforts against international money laundering by terrorists and criminals.” It was the first serious effort by the US to track bin Laden’s businesses. All in all, it wasn't exactly a roaring success.

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On this day in 2001, a Washington Post article hints at the US government’s use of rendition and torture. Among the alternative strategies reported to be under discussion were drugs, pressure tactics and extraditing the suspects to allied countries where security services employ threats to family members and resort to torture. Unbeknownst to the public at large, the CIA had already been renditioning suspects to countries known for practicing torture, and had made arrangements with NATO countries to increase the number of such renditions, no ifs, ands or buts about it.

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On this day in 2003, images of the dwarf planet Eris are taken and subsequently used in documenting its discovery by the team of Michael E. Brown, Chad Trujillo, and David L. Rabinowitz.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 20

On this day in 1818, the Convention of 1818 signed between the United States and the United Kingdom which, among other things, settled the Canada/United States border on the 49th parallel for most of its length.

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On this day in 1944, liquid natural gas leaks from storage tanks in Cleveland, then explodes; the explosion and resulting fire level 30 blocks and kill 130. Ka-freaking-BOOM, muddafuggaz.

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On this day in 1947, the House Un-American Activities Committee begins its investigation into Communist infiltration of Hollywood, resulting in a blacklist that prevents some from working in the industry for years. It would take the combined forces of Stanley Kubrick, Kirk Douglas and time (over a decade) before the blacklist was smashed for good when formerly untouchable writer Dalton Trumbo was hired to pen the script for the decidedly "liberal" sword-and-sandal epic Spartacus.

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On this day in 1968, former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy marries Greek shipping tycoon Aristotle Onassis. This gives rise to countless conspiracy theories of a particularly 70's-tinted hue. Remember Gemstone? And now, there's even some relatively new conspiracies popping up around this odd couple! Aristotle behind the assassination of RFK? Dunno if I buy that one, personally, but who knows?

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On this day in 1977, 3 members of Southern-flavored rock combo Lynyrd Skynyrd and its entourage perish in a fiery plane crash. Some of their more sentimental, superstitious fans insist that the three - Ronnie Van Zant, Steve Gaines and his sister Cassie Gaines - became "free birds" in that crash. Yer old pal Jerky suspects the only birds those poor bastards resembled on that day were of the Kentucky Fried variety.

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On this day in 2011, ousted Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi is found hiding in a culvert near his hometown of Sirte by National Transitional Council forces who proceed to torture, then kill him. Disgusting video footage of his last moments show rebel fighters beating him senseless (and, allegedly, buggering him with a rifle) before shooting him dead, then inflicting further desecration upon his corpse. US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton's subsequent media gloating is, quite possibly, the most offensive thing she's ever done. The fact that it feels to me like she was doing it to curry favor with neocon hawks and right-wing Republicans (a fruitless endeavor) makes it all the more disappointing and disturbing. Oh well... at least she isn't a Trump.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 19

On this day in 1469, Ferdinand II of Aragon marries Isabella I of Castile, a marriage that paves the way to the unification of Aragon and Castile into a single country: SPAIN!

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On this day in 1789, Chief Justice John Jay is sworn in as the first Chief Justice of the United States.

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On this day in 1933, the Berlin Olympic Committee votes to allow the sport of basketball during the Olympic games scheduled to be held in Nazi Germany three years later. This explains why Germans are now such a dominating force in the sport.

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On this day in 1978, actor Gig Young (They Shoot Horses, Don't They?) kills his second wife, then commits suicide. You wouldn't expect a guy with such an up-beat, cheery name to be so freaking grouchy, would you? But, there you go...

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On this day in 1980, Salem bin Laden, oldest brother of Osama, is allegedly involved in secret Paris October Surprise meetings between US and Iranian emissaries, including George Herbert Walker "Poppy" Bush, during which a delay to the release of the US hostages in Iran was negotiated, thus helping Ronald Reagan and Bush win the 1980 Presidential election.

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On this day in 1986, Samora Machel, President of Mozambique and a prominent leader of FRELIMO, and 33 others die when their Tupolev 134 plane crashes into the Lebombo Mountains.

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On this day in 1987, the Dow Jones Industrial Average falls by 22%, 508 points on this day, which would henceforth be remembered as Black Monday.

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On this day in 2005, the pathetic sham of a kangaroo court show-trial for former Iraqi strongman President Saddam Hussein begins in Baghdad. 

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 18

On this day in 629, King Dagobert I is crowned King of the Franks. He was the last king of the much feared and loathed Merovingian Dynasty to wield any "real" royal power... or so THEY would have you believe.

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On this day in 1009, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, a Christian church in Jerusalem, is completely destroyed by the Fatimid caliph Al-Hakim bi-Amr Allah, who hacks the Church's foundations down to bedrock.

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On this day in 1648, Boston shoemakers form first U.S. labor organization, otherwise known by that currently dirty word: “union”.

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On this day in 1851, American author Herman Melville's novel Moby-Dick is first published as The Whale, by publisher Richard Bentley in London.

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On this day in 1867, the USA takes possession of Alaska after purchasing it from Russia for $7.2 million. Celebrated annually in the state as Alaska Day. Thirty one years later, on this day in 1898, they take possession of Puerto Rico. Which purchase do you suspect has brought the American People the most joy over the years?

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On this day in 1922, the British Broadcasting Company (BBC) is founded by a consortium, to establish a nationwide network of radio transmitters to provide a national broadcasting service.

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On this day in 1945, Argentine military officer and politician Juan Perón marries actress Eva Perón. Don't cry for them, Argentina, even though they didn't exactly live happily ever after.

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On this day in 1954, Texas Instruments announces the first Transistor radio.

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On this day in 1967, the Soviet probe Venera 4 reaches Venus and becomes the first spacecraft to measure the atmosphere of another planet.

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On this day in 2002, at the request of FBI Director Robert Mueller, Attorney General John Ashcroft files a declaration invoking the “state secrets” privilege to block FBI translator Sibel Edmonds’ lawsuit against the government from being heard in court. The Justice Department insists that disclosing her evidence, even at a closed hearing in court, “could reasonably be expected to cause serious damage to the foreign policy and national security of the United States.” Normally, the privilege is used to block the discovery of a specific piece of evidence that could put the nation’s security at risk. But Ashcroft’s declaration asserts that the very subject of her lawsuit constitutes a state secret, thus barring her from even presenting her case in court. The text of Ashcroft’s declaration is classified.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 17

On this day in 539 BC, Cyrus the Great marches into the city of Babylon, releasing the Jews from almost 70 years of captivity. Cyrus allows the Jews to return to Yehud Medinata and rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem.

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On this day in 1604, German astronomer Johannes Kepler observes a supernova in the constellation Ophiuchus.

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On this day in 1814, the Great London Beer Flood occurs in London, killing nine in a way that turns out to be far less enjoyable than those who succumb to the devastation might have hoped or imagined it would be.

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On this day in 1931, "alleged" gangster Al Capone is convicted of income tax evasion.

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On this day in 1933, world-famous physicist Albert Einstein flees Nazi Germany and moves to the United States.

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On this day in 1961, police in France open fire on a huge crowd of Algerian demonstrators, who were marching in the streets of Paris past curfew to support peace talks aimed at ending Algeria's war of independence against French colonial rule. Within minutes, there were corpses everywhere - piled up against gates, jammed under vehicles, floating down the Seine - as hundreds of demonstrators were cut down in a hail of flying lead. Many hundreds more were seriously injured. Twenty years after this massacre, not too many people were surprised when it was revealed that the man who was Paris' chief of police at the time - Maurice Papon - had collaborated with the Nazis during WWII by deporting hundreds of French Jews to death camps across Europe.

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On this day in 1970, in Montreal, Quebec, Quebec Vice-Premier and Minister of Labour Pierre Laporte is murdered - or was it an accident? - by members of the FLQ terrorist group.

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On this day in the year 1979, despite the fact that she consorted with some of the most evil fuckers the world has ever known and her so-called hospitals didn't even carry so much as a bottle of aspirin to ease patients' suffering, Mother Teresa is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Don't believe the hype!

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On this day in 1994, Russian journalist Dmitry Kholodov is assassinated while investigating corruption in the Russian armed forces. Big shock, there, eh? What did you expect, dude? Whatever the Rooskies have in place of the Pulitzer? This is nothing but a case of "suicide by journalism" in extremis.

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On this day in 2002, authorities in the greater Washington DC area recommend that pedestrians should "walk in a zig-zag manner" to avoid a terror sniper's bullets. I thought this was a bad idea, because if you're moving in a zig-zag, you will eventually fall into a recognizable pattern, after which any moderately skilled marksman - or even the average Unreal Tournament geek - will be able to pick you off with relative ease. A better option would have been to just dance! From the Mashed Potato to the Frug, then on to the Twist, the Shimmy, the Monkey and the Swim... then alternating between the Robot and the Moonwalk. Not only would it have been effective, it would also have been a beautiful gesture of defiance. Stupid, but beautiful.

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On this day in 2003, the pinnacle is fitted on the roof of Taipei 101, a 101-floor skyscraper in Taipei, allowing it to surpass the Petronas Twin Towers in Kuala Lumpur by 56 metres (184 ft) and become the world's tallest high rise. Both structures are currently dwarfed by the world champion Burj Dubai in, you guessed it, Dubai! Just check it out up top.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 16

On this day in 1384, an exceptional lady by the name of Jadwiga is crowned King of Poland, even though she's a woman.

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On this day in 1793, Marie-Antoinette loses her head to a French revolutionary guillotine. Two hundred and twenty-or-so years later, the enshrined ruling classes seem to have forgotten this valuable historic lesson. Perhaps a refresher course is in order.

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On this day in 1859, American anti-American terrorist John Brown launches an attack on the federal armory in Harper's Ferry, Virginia. His plan was for his small cadre of men to seize the many weapons being stored there, head south, and arm the slaves for a general revolt. Brown's men captured the armory, but soon found themselves unable to escape. After being captured, Brown was sentenced to die by the noose. Though he was white, Brown relished the idea of becoming a martyr for the abolitionist (anti-slavery) cause, and thus refused rescue when one of his accomplices managed to take over the jail where he was being held. On his dying day, Brown wrote: "I, John Brown, am now quite certain that the crimes of this guilty land will never be purged away but with blood. I had, as I now think, vainly flattered myself that without very much bloodshed it might be done." The Civil War would soon follow, and with it, the end of slavery.

But, soon after, Jim Crowe laws! Whyte men sure take issue with Black men and women having self determination. I won't even ATTEMPT to explain the rest of THAT history.

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On this day in 1916, in Brooklyn, New York, Margaret Sanger opens the first family planning clinic in the United States.

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On this day in 1923, the Walt Disney Company is founded by Walt Disney and his brother, Roy Disney. Mass social engineering technique refinement and occult-tinged mind control experiments ensue.

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File this one in the "THAT didn't take long" file. On this day in 1951, the first Prime Minister of Pakistan, Liaquat Ali Khan, is assassinated in Rawalpindi.

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On this day in 1962, the Cuban missile crisis between the United States, Cuba, and the Soviet Union begins in earnest when US President John F. Kennedy is shown photographs of missile sites in Cuba.

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On this day in 1964, China detonates its first nuclear weapon.

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On this day in 1968, US athletes Tommie Smith and John Carlos are kicked off the US team for participating in the 1968 Olympics Black Power salute. See above.

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On this day in 1970, in response to the October Crisis terrorist kidnapping, Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau of Canada invokes the War Measures Act.

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On this day in 1978, a Polish Catholic priest named Karol Wojtyla is elected Pope John Paul II after the October 1978 Papal conclave, the first non-Italian pontiff since 1523.

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On this day in 1991, some loony-toons by the name of George Hennard runs amok at Luby’s Cafeteria in Killeen, Texas, killing 23 and wounding 20.

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On this day in 1995, the Million Man March takes place in Washington, DC.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 15

On this day in 1764, Edward Gibbon observes a group of friars singing in the ruined Temple of Jupiter in Rome, which inspires him to begin work on The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, one of the greatest achievements in the annals of historical documentation.

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On this day in 1783, the Montgolfier brothers' hot air balloon marks the first human ascent, by Jean-François Pilâtre de Rozier, (tethered balloon).

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On this day in 1793, Queen Marie-Antoinette of France is tried and convicted in a swift, pre-determined trial in the Palais de Justice, Paris, and condemned to death the following day.

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On this day in 1815, Napoleon I of France begins his exile on Saint Helena in the Atlantic Ocean.

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On this day in 1860, a child by the name of Grace Bedell writes Abraham Lincoln telling him he'd look better with a beard. He promptly grew one, and after just over a year, he was elected President. Just imagine! If it wasn't for one insolent child making one inconsiderate remark to one ugly man, the Union may never have had a new birth of freedom, and government of, by and for the people might have perished from the earth a hundred and forty years ago. Instead, it managed to hang on until early December, 2024. A pretty good run, all things considered!

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On this day in 1878, the Edison Electric Light Company begins operation.

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On this day in 1888, the "From Hell" letter sent by Jack the Ripper is received by investigators.

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On this day in 1894, the Dreyfus affair begins when Alfred Dreyfus is arrested for spying.

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On this day in 1917, at Vincennes outside of Paris, Dutch dancer Mata Hari is executed by firing squad for spying for the German Empire.

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On this day in 1954, Hurricane Hazel devastates the eastern seaboard, killing 95 and causing massive floods as far north as Toronto. As a Category 4 upon landfall, it is the strongest storm on record to strike as far north as North Carolina.

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On this day in 1956, Fortran, the first modern computer language, is shared with the coding community for the first time.

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On this day in 1966, the Black Panther Party is created by Huey P. Newton and Bobby Seale.

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On this day in the year 1969, millions of Americans of every age, color and religious persuasion take part in one of the most widespread – and least discussed – collective demonstrations of protest in America's entire history: Vietnam Moratorium Day.

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On this day in 1991, anti-affirmative action activist Clarence Thomas benefits from one of the most blatant cases of affirmative action in the history of the practice when President George Herbert Walker "Poppy" Bush confirms him as a Supreme Court Justice. This despite his inexperience, his political extremism, his criminal brinkmanship, and his taste for pornography... not that there's anything wrong with that last one! But it gets worse, Harlan Crowe bought him a top of the line RV!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 14

On this day in 1066, during the Norman Conquest, in the Battle of Hastings, in England, on Senlac Hill, the Norman forces of William the Conqueror defeat the English army and kill King Harold II of England.

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On this day in 1322, Robert the Bruce of Scotland defeats King Edward II of England at Byland, forcing Edward to accept Scotland's independence.

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On this day in 1888, Louis Le Prince films first motion picture: Roundhay Garden Scene.

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On this day in 1912, while campaigning in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, the former President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, is shot and mildly wounded by John Schrank, a mentally-disturbed saloon keeper. With the fresh wound in his chest, and the bullet still within it, Mr. Roosevelt still carries out his scheduled public speech.

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On this day in 1933, Nazi Germany announces its withdrawal from the League of Nations. Also on this day, in 1950, soon-to-be-cult leader Sun Young Moon is liberated from prison in Korea. Thirty-two years later, on this day in 1982, Moon weds 6,000 Unification church couples in a mass Moonie wedding. Bob Marley held his final concert on this day in 1980. These events are all connected somehow. Yer old pal Jerky just doesn't have the time to figure it out right now.

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On this day in 1962, the world comes this close to total nuclear annihilation when photographs taken by a U-2 spy plane offer incontrovertible proof that the Soviets had set up missile bases on the island nation of Cuba. That put Soviet nukes a mere 90 miles off the American coastline. During the next two weeks, Nikita Kruschev and John F. Kennedy played the highest-stakes game of chess ever played in the history of all mankind. Thank Godzilla it ended in a twenty-eight-year stalemate!

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On this day in 1966, the city of Montreal, Quebec, begins the operation of its underground Montreal Metro rapid-transit system.

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On this day in 1977, child-abusing crooner Bing Crosby dies of a heart attack at 74 while vacationing in Madrid, Spain. Two months later, der Bingle records his last ever Christmas special.

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On this day in 1979, the first Gay Rights March on Washington, D.C., the National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights, demands "an end to all social, economic, judicial, and legal oppression of lesbian and gay people", and draws 200,000 people.

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On this day in 1981, Vice President Hosni Mubarak is elected as the President of Egypt one week after the assassination of the President of Egypt, Anwar Sadat. He keeps that job for a looooong-ass time.

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On this day in 1982, U.S. President Ronald Reagan proclaims a War on Drugs. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1994, the Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat, Prime Minister of Israel, Yitzhak Rabin, and the Foreign Minister of Israel, Shimon Peres, receive the Nobel Peace Prize for their role in the establishment of the Oslo Accords and the framing of the future Palestinian Self Government. In the present day, this era is marked by using BBb or Before Bibi.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 13

On this day in 1307, hundreds of Knights Templar in France are simultaneously arrested by agents of Phillip the Fair, to be later tortured into a "confession" of heresy.

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On this day in 1710, Port Royal, the capital of French Acadia, falls in a siege by British forces.

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On this day in 1773, the Whirlpool Galaxy is discovered by Charles Messier.

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On this day in 1917, the Virgin Mary makes one final encore appearance to those three little shepherd children near Fatima, Portugal. Despite numerous requests from the 50,000 pilgrims who came just to see her, the Holy Mother of God™ refuses to perform Freebird.

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On this day in 1943, the nation of Italy declares war on their former Axis partners in Nazi Germany, proving conclusively that Italians are not to be trusted.

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On this day in 1987, the McClures - a couple of teenage parents from Midland, Texas - allow their 1-year-old baby, Jessica, to wander around outside, unsupervised. After a short bask in the glow of her parents' negligence, little Jessica fell down a well and got stuck. It took almost three days and well over a million dollars' worth of equipment and man-hours to rescue the little trouble-maker, as voyeuristic sofa spuds the world over tuned in, hoping to catch a glimpse of Mom's grief-stricken face when the rescuers pulled Jessica's little rag-doll corpse out of its cold, wet grave. Unfortunately for these sick fucks, Jessica survived her ordeal, and is no doubt shitting out a trouble-making brood of her own right about now. Meanwhile, 13 years later, in an incredible coincidence, the 2010 Copiapó mining accident in Copiapó, Chile, turns into a miracle after all 33 miners arrive at the surface after surviving a record 69 days underground awaiting rescue. It's a good day for falling down a hole, apparently.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 12

On this day in 1492, Christopher Columbus's expedition makes landfall in the Caribbean, specifically in The Bahamas. The explorer believes he has reached India.

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On this day in 1692, the Salem witch trials are ended by a letter from Massachusetts Governor William Phips.

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Ever wondered about the origins of Oktoberfest? You know, that German beer-and-sausage festival featuring little fat guys in suspenders and short pants line-dancing to the dulcet tones of a glockenspiel? Well, it turns out the whole thing started on this day in 1810, when Bavaria's Prince Louis married Princess Therese von Sachsen-Hildburghausen. The Bavarian royalty invited the citizens of Munich to attend the festivities, held on the fields in front of the city gates. On a whim, the royals decided to invite the good people of Munich to come and participate in the wedding day festivities. It was such a smashing success, and so fondly remembered by all who attended, that one year later they decided to celebrate. And so it went, from year to year, perpetuating itself until the present day. Pretty fuckin' lame, huh? Seeing as it involves Germans, yer old pal Jerky figured the original Oktoberfest would have had something to do with blood sacrifices in sacred pine groves, or maybe - on a less Pagan note - the burning of witches or something. But nooo...

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On this day in 1892, the Pledge of Allegiance is first recited by students in many US public schools, as part of a celebration marking the 400th anniversary of Columbus's voyage.

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On this day in 1901, President Theodore Roosevelt officially renames the "Executive Mansion" to the White House.

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On this day in 1918, a massive forest fire kills 453 people in Minnesota.

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On this day in 1960, Nikita Khrushchev pounds his shoe on a desk at United Nations General Assembly meeting to protest a Philippine assertion of Soviet Union colonial policy being conducted in Eastern Europe

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On this day in 1960, television viewers in Japan unexpectedly witness the assassination of Inejiro Asanuma, leader of the Japan Socialist Party, when he is stabbed and killed during a live broadcast.

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On this day in 1997, 43 are killed at a fake roadblock during the Sidi Daoud massacre in Algeria.

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On this day in 2000, the USS Cole is badly damaged in Aden, Yemen, by two suicide bombers, killing 17 crew members and wounding at least 39.

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On this day in 2002, terrorists detonate bombs in the Sari Club in Kuta, Bali, killing 202 and wounding over 300.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 11

On this day in the year 1991, law professor Anita Hill testifies that quota-hating quota-beneficiary Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas sexually harassed her, making repeated unwanted sexual advances throughout her tenure as his assistant. Conservatives accuse Hill of harboring a secret, political hidden agenda.

Flash forward a few years, and these same conservatives have no problem buying into the similarly unsubstantiated - and similarly impossible to disprove - stories told (and sold) by Paula "Penthouse" Jones, Kathleen "4 different stories" Willey and Juanita "what year was I raped in?" Broderick. They hounded, pilloried and even went so far as to impeach president Clinton for lying about a consensual sexual dalliance initiated by another.

Flash forward another four years, and when more than twenty women come forward to accuse gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping, harassing and intimidating them, the nation's conservatives undergo yet another ethical flip-flop.

So for those of you keeping score at home, here's the deal: Anita Hill was (all evidence to the contrary) a politically motivated liar. The antebellum damsels who claimed Clinton wagged his pecker at'em? They were telling the TRUTH, obviously, and how dare you question their constantly-changing stories?! And what about Schwarzenegger's dozens of accusers? Conservatives were so outraged by these women's allegations that they canceled their subscriptions to the Los Angeles Times for daring to report on them!

Hypocrisy, thy name is conservatism.

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On this day in 1890, in Washington, DC, the Daughters of the American Revolution is founded.

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On this day in 1899, the Second Boer War begins: In South Africa, a war between the United Kingdom and the Boers of the Transvaal and Orange Free State erupts.

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On this day in 1910, Former President Theodore Roosevelt becomes the first U.S. president to fly in an airplane. He flew for four minutes with Arch Hoxsey in a plane built by the Wright Brothers at Kinloch Field (Lambert-St. Louis International Airport), St. Louis, Missouri.

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On this day in 1929, JC Penney opens store #1252 in Milford, Delaware, making it a nationwide company with stores in all 48 U.S. states.

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On this day in 1950, the FCC issues CBS the first license to broadcast color television programming. In those early days, however, color TV was quite primitive. Technical limitations were such that only a single color could be broadcast at any one time, creating a rather disorienting viewing experience. And making matters worse was the fact that color TV sets were prohibitively expensive, weighed as much as an 8-cylinder engine, and emitted enough radiation to hard-boil an egg. No wonder it wasn't until 1968 that color sets first outsold black and white.

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On this day in 1968, NASA launches Apollo 7, the first successful manned Apollo mission, with astronauts Wally Schirra, Donn F. Eisele and Walter Cunningham aboard.

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On this day in 1972, a race riot occurs on the United States Navy aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk off the coast of Vietnam during Operation Linebacker.

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On this day in 1975, Saturday Night Live debuts on NBC with George Carlin as the host and Andy Kaufman, Janis Ian and Billy Preston as guests.

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On this day in 2001, the Polaroid Corporation files for federal bankruptcy protection.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 10

On this day in 680, Hussain bin Ali, the grandson of the Prophet Muhammad, is decapitated by forces under Caliph Yazid I. This is commemorated by Muslims as "Aashurah".

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On this day in 732, near Poitiers, France, the leader of the Franks, Charles Martel and his men, defeat a large army of Moors, stopping the Muslim faith from spreading into Western Europe. The governor of Cordoba, Abdul Rahman Al Ghafiqi, is killed during the battle. It was probably the greatest (and last) great, world-historic French military victory.

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On this day in 1580, after a three-day siege, the English Army beheads over 600 Papal soldiers and civilians at Dún an Óir, Ireland. Freaking English, man.

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On this day in 1888, a plucky bunch of non-drinkers set off on a "teetotalers excursion" to prove that you don't have to imbibe to have a crackin' good time! Unfortunately, their train crashed in Mud Run, Pennsylvania, killing 64. Many of the survivors become alcoholics.

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On this day in 1928, Chiang Kai-Shek becomes Chairman of the Republic of China. Mao Zedong has a little something to say about that, however.

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On this day in 1970, in Canada's French-speaking province of Quebec, the Quiet Revolution gets noisy as a militant French separatist group - the FLQ - kidnaps Quebec labor minister Pierre Laporte. After a series of bombings, armed robberies and the earlier kidnapping of a British trade commissioner, LaPorte's kidnapping was the last straw for Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, who proclaimed the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T.-style War Measures Act, under which the FLQ was banned, civil liberties suspended, and hundreds of French separatists taken into custody and held without charges. But it was all for naught, as LaPorte's corpse was found in the trunk of a car near a Quebec airport eight days later. According to a stripper yer old pal Jerky once spent way too much time and money on, the bastards had drowned him in cheese curds and thick, brown chicken gravy.

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On this day in 1973, Vice President of the United States Spiro Agnew resigns after being charged with federal income tax evasion.

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On this day in 1999, self-declared King of PopTM Micheal "Wacko Jacko" Jackson divorces his incubator-for-hire - and former nurse - Debbie Rowe, citing irreconcilable differences... which is lawyer talk for "she didn't have a penis, and she wasn't ten years old." During their three years of wedded bliss, Jacko got Rowe to squeeze out two children for him to add to his collection: one manchild named Prince, and one womanchild named Paris. It is currently unknown exactly how much money Rowe was paid for the rental of her uterus, but it was probably a pretty good wad o'cash.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 9

On this day in 768, Carloman I and Charlemagne are crowned Kings of The Franks.

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On this day in 1446, the hangul alphabet is published in Korea.

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On this day in 1514, Louis XII of France maries England's Mary Tudor. The sex is incredible.

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On this day in 1604, Supernova 1604, the most recent supernova to happen in the visible Milky Way, is observed.

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On this day in 1635, Roger Williams is banished from the Massachusetts Bay Colony for complaining about civic powers being used to punish religious dissidents and confiscate Indian land. With the help of native Americans, he establishes a colony of his own: Rhode Island. Think about that for a minute... this guy was too liberal for Massachusetts! It boggles the frickin' mind!

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On this day in 1701, the Collegiate School of Connecticut (later renamed Yale University) is chartered in Old Saybrook, Connecticut.

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On this day in 1888, the very Freemason-friendly Washington Monument officially opens to the general public.

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On this day in 1911, an accidental bomb explosion in Hankou, Wuhan, China leads to the ultimate fall of the Qing Empire. Interesting, how such a thing can happen...

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Heralding the arrival of two of the most despised social trends in living memory, one man in a moving automobile telephones another man in an airborne plane for the first time ever on this day in the year 1947.

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On this day in 1967, Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara is executed by CIA-trained soldiers in the jungles of Bolivia, much to the delight of apolitical t-shirt vendors throughout the pseudo-civilized world.

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On this day in 1969, in Chicago, the United States National Guard is called in for crowd control as demonstrations continue in connection with the trial of the Chicago Eight that began on September 24.

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On this day in 1980, Pope John Paul II shakes hands with the Dalai Lama during a private audience in Vatican City.

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On this day in 1989, an official news agency in the Soviet Union reports the landing of a UFO in Voronezh.

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On this day in 1999, artists such as the Eurythmics, George Michael, David Bowie, Robbie Williams and Bono take part in NetAid, an event to raise money for global poverty. NetAid took place live on the internet and at concerts in London, New York and Geneva. It was a pathetic failure which, due to the structuring of the financing, actually increased Third World poverty by nearly 47 percent.

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On this day in 2001, the second mailing of anthrax letters from Trenton, New Jersey in the 2001 anthrax attack.

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On this day in 2006, North Korea allegedly tests its first nuclear device.