PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR NOVEMBER 4

On this day in 1646, the leadership of the Massachusetts Bay Colony pass a law making it a capital offense for any citizen to deny that the Bible is the divinely inspired and wholly-true Word of GOD. By the way, that's "capital" as in "hung by the neck until dead." And this, in a place populated by people who fled England because of religious persecution! Oh, the IRONY!

***

On this day in 1791, the Western Confederacy of American Indians wins a major victory over the United States in the Battle of the Wabash.

***

On this day in 1847, Sir James Young Simpson, a British physician, discovers the anaesthetic properties of chloroform. Woo-hoo!

***

On this day in 1921, Japanese Prime Minister Hara Takashi is assassinated in Tokyo.

***

On this day in 1922, in Egypt, British archaeologist Howard Carter and his men find the entrance to Pharaoh Tutankhamun's tomb in the Valley of the Kings.

***

On this day in 1924, Nellie Tayloe Ross of Wyoming is elected the first female governor in the United States.

***

On this day in 1942, disobeying a direct order by Adolf Hitler, General Field Marshal Erwin Rommel leads his forces on a five-month retreat.

***

On this day in 1952, the United States government establishes the National Security Agency.

***

On this day in 1955, after being destroyed in World War II, the rebuilt Vienna State Opera reopens with a performance of Beethoven's Fidelio.

***

On this day in 1970, Genie, a 13-year-old feral child is found in Los Angeles, California having been locked in her bedroom for most of her life. Crazy, but true.

***

On this day in 1979, the Iran hostage crisis begins when a group of Iranians, mostly students, invades the US embassy in Tehran and takes 90 hostages (53 of whom are American).

***

On this day in the year 1995, after making a speech at a peace rally in Israel, Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin - a man who wanted peace because he had hands-on experience with war - is gunned down in the street by Yigal Amir, an ultra-conservative Israeli who thought Rabin didn't take a sufficiently hardline stance towards the Palestinians. Or was he?

***

On this day in 2008, Barack Hussein Obama becomes the first African-American to be elected President of the United States.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR NOVEMBER 3

On this day in 1493, Christopher Columbus first sights the island of Dominica in the Caribbean Sea.

***

On this day in 1793, French playwright, journalist and feminist Olympe de Gouges is guillotined.

***

On this day in 1817, the Bank of Montreal, Canada's oldest chartered bank, opens in Montreal, Quebec.

***

On this day in 1903, with the encouragement of the United States, Panama separates from Colombia.

***

On this day in 1954, the first Godzilla film is released and marks the first appearance of the character of the same name.

***

On this day in 1956, the Khan Yunis killings are perpetrated by the Israel Defense Forces in Israeli-occupied Gaza, resulting in the deaths of 275 male Arabs.

***

On this day in 1957, the Soviets launch Laika the dog into orbit on Sputnik 2. For her heroism and selflessness (like she had a choice), Laika was long beloved behind the iron curtain countries, many of which issued some rather lovely stamps in her honor. Sadly, depending on which expert you ask, the heroic bitch either suffocated when her oxygen ran out, or she roasted alive soon after the satellite shed its heat shields.

***

On this day in 1964, Washington D.C. residents are able to vote in a presidential election for the first time.

***

On this day in 1979, the Greensboro massacre happens when five members of the Communist Workers Party are shot dead and seven are wounded by a group of Klansmen and neo-Nazis during a "Death to the Klan" rally in Greensboro, North Carolina, United States.

***

On this day in 1982, the Salang tunnel fire in Afghanistan kills up to 2,000 people. Now THAT'S a FIRE!

***

On this day in 1986, the Lebanese magazine Ash-Shiraa reports that the United States has been secretly selling weapons to Iran in order to secure the release of seven American hostages held by pro-Iranian groups in Lebanon. This was one of the elements of a scandal that would come to be known as Iran/Contra.

***

And on this day the 2020 US Presidential Election takes place, between Democratic nominee and Former Vice President Joe Biden, and Republican nominee and incumbent President Donald Trump. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, a larger than normal number of mail-in ballots were used. On November 7, Biden was declared the winner, Thank Jehoshaphat! Around this time in 2024, there was another outcome...

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR NOVEMBER 2

On this day in 1898, cheerleading is started at the University of Minnesota with Johnny Campbell leading the crowd in cheering on the football team. Soon, even Presidents of the USA would be engaging in this pursuit.

***

On this day in 1899, the Boers begin their 118 day siege of British held Ladysmith during the Second Boer War.

***

On this day in 1917, the Balfour Declaration proclaims British support for the "establishment in Palestine of a national home for the Jewish people" with the clear understanding "that nothing shall be done which may prejudice the civil and religious rights of existing non-Jewish communities". They kept exactly HALF of those promises!

***

On this day in 1930, Haile Selassie is crowned emperor of Ethiopia.

***

On this day in 1936, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation CBC is established. Meanwhile, in the UK, the British Broadcasting Corporation initiates the BBC Television Service, the world's first regular, "high-definition" (then defined as at least 200 lines) service. Renamed BBC1 in 1964, the channel still runs to this day.

***

On this day in 1947, in California, designer Howard Hughes performs the maiden (and only) flight of the Spruce Goose or H-4 The Hercules; the largest fixed-wing aircraft ever built.

***

On this day in 1957, the Levelland UFO Case in Levelland, Texas, generates national publicity.

***

On this day in 1959, Twenty One game show contestant Charles Van Doren admits to a Congressional committee that he had been given questions and answers in advance.

***

On this day in 1965, Norman Morrison, a 31-year-old Quaker, sets himself on fire in front of the river entrance to the Pentagon to protest the use of napalm in the Vietnam war.

***

On this day in 1982, Channel 4 is launched in the United Kingdom. They have a reputation of being one of the most risk-taking and adventurous broadcasters in the world.

***

On this day in 1983, U.S. President Ronald Reagan signs a bill creating Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

***

On this day in 1988, the Morris Worm, the first internet-distributed computer worm to gain significant mainstream media attention, is launched from MIT.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR NOVEMBER 1

On this day in 1512, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, painted by Michelangelo, is exhibited to the public for the first time.

***

On this day in 1520, the Strait of Magellan, the passage immediately south of mainland South America connecting the Pacific and the Atlantic Oceans, is first discovered and navigated by European explorer Ferdinand Magellan during the first recorded circumnavigation voyage.

***

On this day in 1755, the Lisbon earthquake takes place, jolting many "modern" people's faith in God. The city of Lisbon is destroyed by a massive earthquake and tsunami, killing between sixty thousand and ninety thousand people.

***

On this day in 1896, a picture showing the bare breasts of a woman appears in National Geographic magazine for the first time.

***

On this day in 1911, the first dropping of a bomb from an airplane in combat, during the Italo-Turkish War.

***

On this day in 1939, the first rabbit born after artificial insemination is exhibited to the world.

***

On this day in 1941, American photographer Ansel Adams takes a picture of a moonrise over the town of Hernandez, New Mexico that would become one of the most famous images in the history of photography.

***

On this day in 1946, Karol Wojtyla, the future Pope John Paul II, is ordained to the priesthood by Adam Sapieha. Also on this day in 1946, the first ever NBA basketball game is played... in Toronto! That's right, you read right. The first NBA game was played in Maple Leaf Gardens, where the Toronto Huskies (they lasted one season) faced off against the New York Knickerbockers. Black players would not be allowed in the NBA for a few years yet, so the game mostly consisted of pasty, lumbering Irishmen and Swedes violently hurling the ball up and down the court in a sloppy, clay-footed passing game. Needless to say, nobody dunked. New York won, 68-66.

***

On this day in 1950, Puerto Rican nationalists Griselio Torresola and Oscar Collazo attempt to assassinate US President Harry S. Truman at Blair House.

***

On this day in 1951, during Operation Buster-Jangle, 6,500 American soldiers are exposed to 'Desert Rock' atomic explosions for training purposes in Nevada. Participation is not voluntary.

***

On this day in 1954, the Front de Libération Nationale fires the first shots of the Algerian War of Independence.

***

On this day in 1956, the Springhill Mining Disaster takes place in Springhill, Nova Scotia, killing 39 miners; 88 are rescued.

***

On this day in 1959, Montreal Canadiens goaltender Jacques Plante wears a protective mask for the first time in an NHL game.

***

On this day in 1960, while campaigning for President of the United States, John F. Kennedy announces his idea of the Peace Corps.

***

On this day in 1968, the Motion Picture Association of America's film rating system is officially introduced, originating with the ratings G, M, R, and X.

***

On this day in 1988, DC comics announces the result of their fan poll to decide whether Batman's sidekick Robin would live or die. The mob demands blood, and Robin is blown to bits in the very next issue, leaving Batman without a date for the twelfth annual Fire Island Halloween Flame-Out and Vogue-Off Ex-trava-ganza.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 31

On this day in 683, during the Siege of Mecca, the Kaaba catches fire and is burned down.

***

On this day in 1517, Protestant reformer Martin Luther posts his 95 theses on the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg.

***

On this day in 1876, a monster cyclone ravages India, resulting in over 200,000 deaths.

***

On this day in 1913, the Lincoln Highway, the first automobile highway across United States, is dedicated.

***

On this day in 1917, the "last successful cavalry charge in history" takes place during World War I, at the Battle of Beersheba.

***

On this day in 1926, after being punched in the stomach by some idiot college punk backstage after a show in the frozen Canadian city of Montreal, Harry Houdini - the world's most famous magician and escape artist - dies of a burst apendix. Hey! Smooth move, CANADA!

***

On this day in 1941, after 14 years of work, Mount Rushmore is completed.

***

On this day in 1956, the United Kingdom and France begin bombing Egypt to force the reopening of the Suez Canal. Jeez, why didn't they just ASK?!

***

On this day in 1961, in the Soviet Union, Joseph Stalin's body is removed from Lenin's Tomb.

***

On this day in 1963, hundreds of people gather at the Indiana State Fair Coliseum to take in the season's final showing of Holiday on Ice. Unfortunately, a faulty propane-powered popcorn machine explodes under the bleachers, and seventy-four people die in the resulting conflagration, making this one of Indiana's worst ever man-made catastrophes. God damn you, Orville Redenbacher!

***

On this day in 1984, Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi is assassinated by two security guards. Riots break out in New Delhi and nearly 10,000 Sikhs are killed.

***

On this day in 2000, the Soyuz TM-31 launches, carrying the first resident crew to the International Space Station. The ISS has been continuously crewed since.

***

By this day in 2001, it had only been a few days since our erstwhile superiors in Washington passed the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. (without ever reading it), but it was passed in time for Wisconsin man Jeffrey Remshek to learn about the game's changing rules, the hard way. Jeffrey was arrested after calling Central Intelligence Agency headquarters and accusing the organization of being involved in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. This, of course, was a very bad idea, as the CIA has the third worst sense of humor of any federal law enforcement agency (with the NSA and the Secret Service being only slightly less whimsical). After four calls, the spooks had had enough. They sent local authorities to arrest Remshek on three misdemeanor counts of - get this - "making an unlawful telephone call with intent to threaten." How could they possibly know that?! Anyway, he spent the night in jail, and was released the next day on a signature bond, which means he will likely be under omnipresent surveillance until the day he dies... and all for pointing out the obvious! Gee... I wonder whatever happened to old Jeff? I'd check myself, but I don't feel comfortable Googling his name.

***

On this day in 2002, a federal grand jury in Houston, Texas indicts former Enron Corp chief financial officer Andrew Fastow on 78 counts of wire fraud, money laundering, conspiracy and obstruction of justice related to the collapse of his ex-employer.

***

On this day in 2011, the global population of humans reached seven billion. This day is now recognized by the United Nations as Seven Billion Day.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 30

On this day in 1501, a banquet held by Cesare Borgia in the Papal Palace where fifty prostitutes or courtesans are in attendance for the entertainment of the guests. This legendary party is often referred to as the Ballet of Chestnuts, for some reason.

***

On this day in 1806, believing he is facing a much larger force, Prussian Lieutenant General Friedrich von Romberg, commanding 5,300 men, surrendered the city of Stettin to 800 French soldiers commanded by General Lassalle.

***

On this day in 1831, in Southampton County, Virginia, escaped slave Nat Turner is captured and arrested for leading the bloodiest slave rebellion in United States history.

***

On this day in 1905, Tzar Nicholas II's "October Manifesto" grants civil liberties to his Russian subjects. Having been given an inch, the Bolsheviks soon decide to take a foot.

***

On this day in 1938, soon-to-be-cinematic auteur Orson Welles broadcasts his radio play of H.G. Wells's The War of the Worlds, causing anxiety in some of the audience in the United States.

***

On this day in 1941, Franklin Delano Roosevelt approves U.S. $1 billion in Lend-Lease aid to the Allied nations before the USA officially joins in the World War II festivities.

***

On this day in 1953, U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower formally approves the top secret document National Security Council Paper No. 162/2, which states that the United States' arsenal of nuclear weapons must be maintained and expanded to counter the communist threat. An uncontrollable military-intelligence-industrial-media-complex ensues.

***

On this day in 1960, Michael Woodruff performs the first successful kidney transplant in the United Kingdom at the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.

***

On this day in 1961, the Soviet Union detonates the hydrogen bomb Tsar Bomba over Novaya Zemlya; at 50 megatons of yield, it is still the largest explosive device ever detonated, nuclear or otherwise.

***

On this day in 1974, the Rumble in the Jungle boxing match between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman takes place in Kinshasa, Zaire. Guess who won?

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 29

On this day in 1390, the first trial for witchcraft in Paris leads to the death of three people.

***

On this day in 1675, the philosopher Leibniz makes the first use of the long s (∫) as a symbol of the integral in calculus. That’s right. It wasn’t Newton. The two shared credit for the creation of this notoriously difficult aspect of mathematics.

***

On this day in 1787, Mozart's occult-tinged opera Don Giovanni receives its first performance in Prague.

***

On this day in 1901, assassin Leon Czolgosz is executed by electrocution for killing U.S. President William McKinley.

***

The dull, wet thud of accountants and money-lenders kissing concrete echoes throughout New York City on this day in the year 1929, as the worst Stock Market crash in history - Black Tuesday - triggers the so-called Great Depression. Truth is, there was nothing "great" about it.

***

On this day in 1941, in the Kaunas Ghetto over 10,000 Jews are shot by German occupiers at the Ninth Fort, a massacre known as the "Great Action". One year later, on this day in 1942, leading clergymen and political figures in the United Kingdom hold a public meeting to register outrage over Nazi Germany's persecution of Jews.

***

On this day in 1967, Montreal's World Fair, Expo 67, closes after welcoming over 50 million visitors, a smashing success by any measure.

***

On this day in 1969, the first-ever computer-to-computer link is established on ARPANET, the precursor to the Internet.

***

On this day in 1991, the American Galileo spacecraft makes its closest approach to 951 Gaspra, becoming the first probe to visit an asteroid. 

***

On this day in 1994, Francisco Martin Duran fires over two dozen shots at the White House Duran is later convicted of trying to kill US President Bill Clinton.

***

On this day in 1997, Anton Lavey, founder of the Church of Satan, dies in San Francisco of pulmonary edema.

***

On this day in 1998, Space Shuttle Discovery blasts off on STS-95 with 77-year old John Glenn on board, making him the oldest person to go into space, until... Shatner.

***

On this day in 2012, Hurricane Sandy hits the east coast of the United States, killing 148 directly and 138 indirectly, while leaving nearly $70 billion in damages and causing major power outages.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 28

On this day in 1420, Beijing is officially designated the capital of the Ming Dynasty on the same year that the Forbidden City, the seat of government, is completed.

***

On this day in 1516, Turkish forces under the Grand Vizier Sinan Pasha defeat the Mameluks near Gaza in the Battle of Yaunis Khan.

***

On this day in 1538, the first university in the New World, the Universidad Santo Tomás de Aquino, is established. It would take another 98 years before a vote of the Great and General Court of the Massachusetts Bay Colony would establish the first college in what would become the United States, today known as Harvard University, on this day in 1636.

***

On this day in the year 1900, after over five fucking months of competition, the Paris Olympic Games finally come to an end, much to the delight and relief of everyone involved.

***

On this day in 1919, U.S. Congress passes the Volstead Act over President Woodrow Wilson's veto, paving the way for Prohibition to begin the following January. Crime - both organized and not-so-organized - ensues.

***

On this day in 1922, Italian fascists led by Benito Mussolini march on Rome and take over the Italian government.

***

On this day in 1948, Swiss chemist Paul Müller is awarded the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine for his discovery of the insecticidal properties of DDT. Today, after a few decades in the doghouse, it seems as though the substance is poised to make a comeback, for better or for worse.

***

On this day in 1962, USSR leader Nikita Khrushchev orders the removal of Soviet missiles from Cuba, effectively bringing an end to the Cuban Missile Crisis.

***

On this day in 1965, Nostra Aetate, the "Declaration on the Relation of the Church with Non-Christian Religions" of the Second Vatican Council, is promulgated by Pope Paul VI. This declaration officially absolves the Jews of responsibility for the death of Jesus, reversing Pope Innocent III's 760 year-old dictum to the contrary.

***

On this day in 1965, construction on the St. Louis Arch is completed. Did you know you can ride an elevator up to the top of this damned thing?! I wouldn't, but you might want to some day.

***

On this day in 2005, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, Vice-president Dick Cheney's chief of staff, is indicted in the Valerie Plame Affair. Libby resigns later that day. Here's a little something I wrote about that massive debacle, back in the day.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 27

On this day in 312, during the Battle of the Milvian Bridge, Constantine the Great is said to have received his famous Vision of the Cross, after which he decides to fight "under the protection of the Christian God" by slapping crosses on his soldiers' shields and armor. His troops win the battle and Christianity starts its long march towards becoming the most important world religion for the next thousand-plus years.

***

On this day in 1553, after being condemned as a heretic, Spanish theologian, physician, cartographer and Renaissance humanist Michael Servetus is burned at the stake just outside Geneva.

***

On this day in 1682, the city of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - the City of Brotherly Love - is founded.

***

On this day in 1838, Missouri governor Lilburn Boggs issues the Extermination Order, which orders all Mormons to leave the state or be exterminated. Seriously.

***

On this day in 1904, the first underground New York City Subway line opens; the system becomes the biggest in United States, and one of the biggest in world.

***

On this day in 1936, Mrs Wallis Simpson files for divorce which would eventually allow her to marry King Edward VIII of the United Kingdom, thus forcing his abdication from the throne.

***

On this day in 1962, Major Rudolf Anderson of the United States Air Force becomes the only direct human casualty of the Cuban Missile Crisis when his U-2 reconnaissance airplane is shot down in Cuba by a Soviet-supplied SA-2 Guideline surface-to-air missile.

***

On this day in 1962, A plane carrying Enrico Mattei, post-war Italian administrator, crashes under mysterious circumstances. Don't they all?

***

On this day in 1964, washed up actor Ronald Reagan delivers a speech on behalf of Republican candidate for president, Barry Goldwater.

***

On this day in 1986, the British government suddenly deregulates financial markets, leading to a total restructuring of the way in which they operate in the country, in an event now referred to as the Big Bang.

***

On this day in 1988, President Ronald Reagan decides to tear down the new U.S. Embassy in Moscow because of Soviet listening devices in the building structure.

***

On this day in 1999, gunmen open fire in the Armenian Parliament, killing Prime Minister Vazgen Sargsyan, Parliament Chairman Karen Demirchyan, and 6 other members.

***

On this day in 2005, riots begin in Paris after the deaths of two Muslim teenagers who were running from police. It was some batshit crazy bullshit that went down, and that's for damn sure. Check out this timeline for more information.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 26

On this day in 1776, Benjamin Franklin departs from America for France on a mission to seek French support for the American Revolution. It works!

***

On this day in 1944, the Battle of Leyte Gulf – the largest naval battle in history – ends with an overwhelming American victory against Japan.

***

On this day in 1967, Iran’s shah, Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, crowns himself Emperor of Iran and then crowns his wife Farah Empress of Iran.

***

On this day in 1984, Baby Fae receives a heart transplant from a baboon.

***

On this day in 1999, Britain's House of Lords votes to end the right of hereditary peers to vote in Britain's upper chamber of Parliament.

***

On this day in 2001, America's political class passes the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. into law without even really trying to READ the damned thing..

***

On this day in the year 1988, American and Soviet scientists combine their efforts to save two gray whales from certain death after the beasts are suddenly surrounded by miles of unbroken ice off the coast of Alaska. They work day and night for nearly a week, cutting holes in the ice so the whales can surface and breathe. Meanwhile, a tribe of harpoon-clutching Eskimos - their tummies grumbling - can only shake their heads as they watch this absurdly expensive and time-consuming rescue effort escort a month's worth of food towards open water.

***

On this day in 1988, after doing four months of "consulting" work, oleaginous real estate tycoon Donald Trump issues a $2,000,000 invoice to heavyweight cannibal rapist Iron Mike Tyson, thereby inadvertently revealing the secret to all his financial success: STEALING from mentally unstable people! And he continues that habit to this very day!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 25

On this day in 1415, the army of Henry V of England defeats the numerically superior French army at the Battle of Agincourt. It was an important battle in many ways, not least of which being the novel use of the English longbow, used in very large numbers. The battle is also the centerpiece of the play Henry V, by William Shakespeare.

***

You've probably heard of the Charge of the Light Brigade, even though you probably never really knew what it was all about. Well, the "light brigade" in question "charged" on this day in 1854. It was at the Battle of Balaklava, during the Crimean War. A witness to the charge, Marshal Canrobert, declared: "C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!" which means "it's nice, but it's not butter!" or something. I'm not sure. My French is a little rusty these days.

***

On this day in 1861, the Toronto Stock Exchange is created. Big freakin' whoop.

***

On this day in 1917, the Russian Royal Family's Winter Palace in Petrograd, Russia is captured. This is the traditionally understood date of the beginning of the October Revolution.

***

On this day in 1940, Benjamin O. Davis, Sr. is named the first African American general in the United States Army.

***

On this day in 1962, US ambassador to the UN Adlai Stevenson shows photos at a meeting of the United Nations Security Council proving that Soviet missiles are installed in Cuba.

***

On this day in 1999, the Coca-Cola company start market-testing a new vending machine that senses the air temperature and raises the price of the product when it gets really hot outside. At the time, Coke chairman Doug Ivester defended the concept to various brown-nosing business reporters, saying: "Coca-Cola is a product whose utility varies from moment to moment." Justice was soon done, however, as Ivester would soon become the subject of one of the most humiliating corporate turfings in the history of corporate turfings, although the $120 million golden parachute he got probably helped to cushion the blow quite a bit...

***

Also on this day in 1999, a runaway Learjet with golf pro Payne Stewart (and five others) on board crashes near Mina, South Dakota, after flying on autopilot for several hours. It is believed the accident is due to a loss of cabin pressure at high altitude, which would have caused all on board to go unconscious from lack of oxygen. After air traffic controllers lost contact with the plane, it was tracked by the FAA, assisted by several Air Force and Air National Guard fighters and an AWACS radar control plane, up until when it crashed. The 9/11 Commission will later compare NORAD’s response to this incident with its response to Flight 11 on 9/11, and claim: “There is no significant difference in NORAD’s reaction to the two incidents,” thus making the 9/11 Commission Report perhaps the greatest work of political satire since The Warren Commission, released roughly four decades earlier.

***

HEY GUYS! If you enjoy the content I create and share with you here via the Daily Dirt Diaspora family of blogs - currently including the Daily Dirt Diaspora, the Useless Eater Blog, and Kubrick U - and you buy stuff through AMAZON.COM or (if you're in Canada, obviously) AMAZON.CA... would you mind occasionally entering those two sites via the links that I am providing here? Because when you do, I get a very small kickback, at ZERO COST to you! It's a great way to help keep yer old pal Jerky creating content! Because, man, let me tell you, the last time anyone tossed anything into my tip jar, I think we were all worrying about the potential of the FIRST Trump Regime. Ah... happier days, eh? So come on, man! Use my Amazon portals, and keep me from having to set up a freaking Patreon account, like all the Worst People in the World are doing these days!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 24TH

1795 — Poland is completely consumed by Russia, Prussia, and Austria.

Poland was completely consumed by three neighboring countries. Not invaded. Consumed. Apparently, Europe had invented the geopolitical equivalent of a progressive dinner, and Poland was the entrée. “Poland disappeared off the map. Three countries agreed to split it up. It was the first international HOA dispute.”

1876 — The Shinpūren Rebellion in Japan.

A group of former samurai rebelled against Westernization and the abolition of the feudal hierarchy. They were upset that Japan was modernizing and that their jobs were disappearing.

Imagine being a samurai in 1876. For centuries, your family has been trained to kill people with swords. Suddenly, the government says, “We’re going in a different direction.” Turns out, ‘highly trained sword guy’ isn’t a transferable skill.

It’s the original case of You’re being replaced by technology. Except the technology was a guy with a gun.

1900 — The United States plans to buy the Danish West Indies for $7 million.

In 1900, the United States announced plans to buy the Danish West Indies for $7 million. America was shopping for islands. Even back then, we were buying things we couldn’t afford and calling it expansion.

Seven million dollars! That’s practically nothing for a tropical island chain. Today, you can’t even get a decent two-bedroom condo in Florida for that. And Florida comes with Florida.

1901 — Annie Edson Taylor became the first person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

Finally, a woman who looked at a perfectly good waterfall and thought, “You know what this needs? A barrel.”

She was 63 years old, which means she’d lived long enough to know better and decided to go anyway. She went over the falls in a barrel. Most people her age take up gardening. She chose plumbing.

And she survived! Proving that if you’re going to make a terrible life decision, it helps to have a really sturdy barrel.

1929 — Black Thursday begins the Wall Street Crash.

On Black Thursday, the stock market began its catastrophic collapse, helping usher in the Great Depression.

Wall Street discovered that everybody was buying stocks with money they didn’t have, based on profits that didn’t exist, in companies nobody understood.The market crashed, and millions lost everything. The bankers learned a valuable lesson: next time, make sure you’re holding somebody else’s money.

Basically, the same business model as Wall Street today... except people wore hats.

2008 — Bloody Friday: Stock markets plunge around the world.

In 2008, stock exchanges around the world suffered catastrophic declines, with many indexes dropping about 10%.

'Whoops, I did it again!' 79 years later...

The people responsible? They were rewarded with enormous bonuses because apparently, when you destroy the economy, you become management material.

2018 — The Hong Kong–Zhuhai–Macau Bridge opens.

The world’s longest sea crossing opened to public traffic, connecting Hong Kong, Zhuhai, and Macau.

A magnificent feat of engineering: A bridge connecting three cities across the sea. Meanwhile, I can’t get across town without hitting road construction.

Humanity can build a bridge across the ocean, but we still can’t build a website that remembers my password.

We can conquer the sea. We can move mountains. We can connect cities separated by water.

But if I forget one capital letter, one number, and the name of my first pet, I’m locked out of my own life.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 23

On this day in 1790, African slaves revolt en masse against their oppressors on the island nation of Haiti. But don't worry! Sweet ORDER is soon brutally restored by the French, oddly enough.

***

On this day in 1861, US President Abraham Lincoln suspends the writ of habeas corpus in Washington, DC for all military-related cases.

***

On this day in 1917, Russian revolutionary V.I. Lenin calls for the October Revolution. Chaos ensues.

***

On this day in 1929, after a steady decline in stock market prices since a peak in September, the New York Stock Exchange begins to show signs of panic before sliding into the full-fledged Great Depression.

***

On this day in 1958, the Smurfs, a fictional race of blue dwarves, later popularized in a Hanna-Barbera animated cartoon series, appear for the first time in the story La flute à six schtroumpfs, a Johan and Peewit adventure by Peyo, which is serialized in the weekly Spirou magazine.

***

On this day in 1983, as a direct result of President Ronald Reagan's political decision to maintain a land-base in war-torn Beirut - a decision, which flew in the face of advice from military brass - 241 Marines are slaughtered when a smiling terrorist drives a truck loaded with 2000 lbs of TNT and compressed gas into the barracks building lobby. Two days later, in what many viewed as an attempt to divert the public's attention from his disastrous foreign policy fuck-up, Reagan orders the Marines to invade Grenada, a tiny spice-producing country with 125,000 citizens. It was this incident, and not Lewisnkygate, that inspired the film Wag the Dog.

***

On this day in 1999, cavorting with all those fart-inhaling, vomit-spewing, lesbian, necrophiliac Down Syndrome dwarves finally pays off for radio shock-jock Howard Stern when, after 21 years of marriage, he announces that he and his wife Alison are getting a divorce. Lucky for Howard, his fan-base chooses to ignore the fact that this means his book and movie, Private Parts, was a load of horse-shit happy talk.

***

On this day in 2002, the Moscow Theatre Siege begins when Chechen terrorists seize the House of Culture theater in Moscow, taking approximately 850 theater-goers hostage. Demanding the withdrawal of Russian forces from Chechnya and an end to the Second Chechen War was official siege leader Movsar Barayev. After a two-and-a-half days, Russian Alpha Group commandos pumped knock-out gas (some maintain that it was weaponized fentanyl) into the building's ventilation system before raiding it. During the raid, all 40 attackers are killed and about 130 hostages die from the gas.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 22

On this day in the year 4004 BC, at exactly 8 PM, THE LORD THY GOD begins creating the universe. At least, that's the story according to seventeenth century Anglican archbishop James Usher, who no doubt spent uncountable minutes pouring over dozens of Bibles to reach his theologically-binding conclusions.

***

On this day in 1797, one thousand meters above Paris, André-Jacques Garnerin makes the first recorded parachute jump. Quite the gutsy move for a Frenchman!

***

On this day in 1844, a group of Millerites – followers of Christian evangelical figure William Miller – anticipate the end of the world in conjunction with the Second Advent of Christ. When the world fails to end the following day, it becomes known as the Great Disappointment. Heheh… Christians.

***

On this day in 1924, the public speaking organization Toastmasters International is founded.

***

On this day in 1926, some idiot named J. Gordon Whitehead sucker punches magician Harry Houdini in the stomach in Montreal, precipitating his death.

***

On this day in 1962, US President John F. Kennedy announces that American reconnaissance planes have discovered Soviet nuclear weapons in Cuba, and that he has ordered a naval "quarantine" of the Communist nation.

***

On this day in 1964, French philosopher/novelist Jean-Paul Sartre is awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature, but turns down the honor.

***

On this day in 1964, a Multi-Party Parliamentary Committee selects the design which eventually becomes the new official Flag of Canada.

***

On this day in 1975, Air Force sargeant Leonard Matlovich, a decorated Vietnam veteran, is given a "general" discharge after coming out of the closet as a gay man. Not the kind of man to take such a thing lying down (he preferred "taking it" whilst on all fours), Matlovich launched a legal challenge against the Air Force's no homos policy, sparking a controversy that landed him on the cover of Time Magazine. Matlovich's lawsuit failed to get the ban tossed out, but after four years in court, he succeeded in getting his discharge upgraded to "honorable." Nine years after that, he died of AIDS. His epitaph in the Congressional Cemetery reads: "A gay Vietnam Veteran. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one."

***

On this day in 1976, Red Dye No. 4 is banned by the US Food and Drug Administration after it is discovered that it causes tumors in the bladders of dogs. The dye is still used in Canada.

***

On this day in 1979, the Walt Disney World entertainment complex welcomes Sue Anne Dobbs, their one-hundred-millionth visitor! Later that night, Mickey Mouse-headed thugs kidnap Dobbs from her hotel room and drag her down into the Magic Kingdom's vast network of underground tunnels. There, they offer her up as a blood sacrifice to their cryogenically frozen idol/God, Walt Disney, who surveys the wanton butchery from behind the frosted Plexiglas window of his icy sarcophagus.

***

On this day in 1986, WNBC-AM NYC traffic reporter Jane Dornnacker transmitting a traffic report over the airwaves when her helicopter crashes to the ground for some reason, killing her and her pilot as a stunned radio audience listens live.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 21

On this day, in the year 1520, world explorer Magellan first discovers the Straits of Magellan, and his mind is, like, totally blown away by the coincidence!

***

On this day in 1879, in his Menlo Park, New Jersey lab, half-mad inventor Thomas Edison first shows off his new-fangled flameless illumination flask, soon to be known as the light-bulb.

***

On this day in 1921, President Warren G. Harding delivers the first speech by a sitting President against lynching in the Deep South. It doesn’t work.

***

On this day in 1921, director George Melford's silent film The Sheik, starring Rudolph Valentino, premiers. Soaked panties ensue.

***

On this day in 1931, the Sakurakai, a secret society in the Imperial Japanese Army, launches an abortive coup d'état attempt. Pretty lame secret society, there, guys…

***

On this day in 1940, the first edition of Ernest Hemingway’s novel For Whom the Bell Tolls is published. The ending of that novel still has the power to piss readers off.

***

On this day in 1944, the first kamikaze attack takes place when a Japanese plane carrying a 440 lb bomb attacks HMAS Australia off Leyte Island as the Battle of Leyte Gulf begins.

***

On this day in 1945, women are allowed to vote in France for the first time.

***

On this day in 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signs an executive order transferring Wernher von Braun and other German (and yes, NAZI) scientists from the United States Army to the “civilian” organization, NASA.

***

On this day in the year 1969, in the African nation of Somalia, the deeply corrupt government is overthrown in a bloodless coup. Since then, thanks mostly to the excellent marketing efforts of the world's shadiest international arms dealers, Somalia's subsequent coups have been a hell of a lot more bloody.

***

On this day in 1978, Australian civilian pilot Frederick Valentich vanishes in a Cessna 182 over the Bass Strait south of Melbourne, after reporting contact with an unidentified aircraft.

***

On this day in 1995, President William Jefferson Clinton signs a classified presidential order “directing the Departments of Justice, State and Treasury, the National Security Council, the CIA, and other intelligence agencies to increase and integrate their efforts against international money laundering by terrorists and criminals.” It was the first serious effort by the US to track bin Laden’s businesses. All in all, it wasn't exactly a roaring success.

***

On this day in 2001, a Washington Post article hints at the US government’s use of rendition and torture. Among the alternative strategies reported to be under discussion were drugs, pressure tactics and extraditing the suspects to allied countries where security services employ threats to family members and resort to torture. Unbeknownst to the public at large, the CIA had already been renditioning suspects to countries known for practicing torture, and had made arrangements with NATO countries to increase the number of such renditions, no ifs, ands or buts about it.

***

On this day in 2003, images of the dwarf planet Eris are taken and subsequently used in documenting its discovery by the team of Michael E. Brown, Chad Trujillo, and David L. Rabinowitz.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 20

On this day in 1818, the Convention of 1818 signed between the United States and the United Kingdom which, among other things, settled the Canada/United States border on the 49th parallel for most of its length.

***

On this day in 1944, liquid natural gas leaks from storage tanks in Cleveland, then explodes; the explosion and resulting fire level 30 blocks and kill 130. Ka-freaking-BOOM, muddafuggaz.

***

On this day in 1947, the House Un-American Activities Committee begins its investigation into Communist infiltration of Hollywood, resulting in a blacklist that prevents some from working in the industry for years. It would take the combined forces of Stanley Kubrick, Kirk Douglas and time (over a decade) before the blacklist was smashed for good when formerly untouchable writer Dalton Trumbo was hired to pen the script for the decidedly "liberal" sword-and-sandal epic Spartacus.

***

On this day in 1968, former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy marries Greek shipping tycoon Aristotle Onassis. This gives rise to countless conspiracy theories of a particularly 70's-tinted hue. Remember Gemstone? And now, there's even some relatively new conspiracies popping up around this odd couple! Aristotle behind the assassination of RFK? Dunno if I buy that one, personally, but who knows?

***

On this day in 1977, 3 members of Southern-flavored rock combo Lynyrd Skynyrd and its entourage perish in a fiery plane crash. Some of their more sentimental, superstitious fans insist that the three - Ronnie Van Zant, Steve Gaines and his sister Cassie Gaines - became "free birds" in that crash. Yer old pal Jerky suspects the only birds those poor bastards resembled on that day were of the Kentucky Fried variety.

***

On this day in 2011, ousted Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi is found hiding in a culvert near his hometown of Sirte by National Transitional Council forces who proceed to torture, then kill him. Disgusting video footage of his last moments show rebel fighters beating him senseless (and, allegedly, buggering him with a rifle) before shooting him dead, then inflicting further desecration upon his corpse. US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton's subsequent media gloating is, quite possibly, the most offensive thing she's ever done. The fact that it feels to me like she was doing it to curry favor with neocon hawks and right-wing Republicans (a fruitless endeavor) makes it all the more disappointing and disturbing. Oh well... at least she isn't a Trump.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 19

On this day in 1469, Ferdinand II of Aragon marries Isabella I of Castile, a marriage that paves the way to the unification of Aragon and Castile into a single country: SPAIN!

***

On this day in 1789, Chief Justice John Jay is sworn in as the first Chief Justice of the United States.

***

On this day in 1933, the Berlin Olympic Committee votes to allow the sport of basketball during the Olympic games scheduled to be held in Nazi Germany three years later. This explains why Germans are now such a dominating force in the sport.

***

On this day in 1978, actor Gig Young (They Shoot Horses, Don't They?) kills his second wife, then commits suicide. You wouldn't expect a guy with such an up-beat, cheery name to be so freaking grouchy, would you? But, there you go...

***

On this day in 1980, Salem bin Laden, oldest brother of Osama, is allegedly involved in secret Paris October Surprise meetings between US and Iranian emissaries, including George Herbert Walker "Poppy" Bush, during which a delay to the release of the US hostages in Iran was negotiated, thus helping Ronald Reagan and Bush win the 1980 Presidential election.

***

On this day in 1986, Samora Machel, President of Mozambique and a prominent leader of FRELIMO, and 33 others die when their Tupolev 134 plane crashes into the Lebombo Mountains.

***

On this day in 1987, the Dow Jones Industrial Average falls by 22%, 508 points on this day, which would henceforth be remembered as Black Monday.

***

On this day in 2005, the pathetic sham of a kangaroo court show-trial for former Iraqi strongman President Saddam Hussein begins in Baghdad. 

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 18

On this day in 629, King Dagobert I is crowned King of the Franks. He was the last king of the much feared and loathed Merovingian Dynasty to wield any "real" royal power... or so THEY would have you believe.

***

On this day in 1009, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, a Christian church in Jerusalem, is completely destroyed by the Fatimid caliph Al-Hakim bi-Amr Allah, who hacks the Church's foundations down to bedrock.

***

On this day in 1648, Boston shoemakers form first U.S. labor organization, otherwise known by that currently dirty word: “union”.

***

On this day in 1851, American author Herman Melville's novel Moby-Dick is first published as The Whale, by publisher Richard Bentley in London.

***

On this day in 1867, the USA takes possession of Alaska after purchasing it from Russia for $7.2 million. Celebrated annually in the state as Alaska Day. Thirty one years later, on this day in 1898, they take possession of Puerto Rico. Which purchase do you suspect has brought the American People the most joy over the years?

***

On this day in 1922, the British Broadcasting Company (BBC) is founded by a consortium, to establish a nationwide network of radio transmitters to provide a national broadcasting service.

***

On this day in 1945, Argentine military officer and politician Juan Perón marries actress Eva Perón. Don't cry for them, Argentina, even though they didn't exactly live happily ever after.

***

On this day in 1954, Texas Instruments announces the first Transistor radio.

***

On this day in 1967, the Soviet probe Venera 4 reaches Venus and becomes the first spacecraft to measure the atmosphere of another planet.

***

On this day in 2002, at the request of FBI Director Robert Mueller, Attorney General John Ashcroft files a declaration invoking the “state secrets” privilege to block FBI translator Sibel Edmonds’ lawsuit against the government from being heard in court. The Justice Department insists that disclosing her evidence, even at a closed hearing in court, “could reasonably be expected to cause serious damage to the foreign policy and national security of the United States.” Normally, the privilege is used to block the discovery of a specific piece of evidence that could put the nation’s security at risk. But Ashcroft’s declaration asserts that the very subject of her lawsuit constitutes a state secret, thus barring her from even presenting her case in court. The text of Ashcroft’s declaration is classified.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 17

On this day in 539 BC, Cyrus the Great marches into the city of Babylon, releasing the Jews from almost 70 years of captivity. Cyrus allows the Jews to return to Yehud Medinata and rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem.

***

On this day in 1604, German astronomer Johannes Kepler observes a supernova in the constellation Ophiuchus.

***

On this day in 1814, the Great London Beer Flood occurs in London, killing nine in a way that turns out to be far less enjoyable than those who succumb to the devastation might have hoped or imagined it would be.

***

On this day in 1931, "alleged" gangster Al Capone is convicted of income tax evasion.

***

On this day in 1933, world-famous physicist Albert Einstein flees Nazi Germany and moves to the United States.

***

On this day in 1961, police in France open fire on a huge crowd of Algerian demonstrators, who were marching in the streets of Paris past curfew to support peace talks aimed at ending Algeria's war of independence against French colonial rule. Within minutes, there were corpses everywhere - piled up against gates, jammed under vehicles, floating down the Seine - as hundreds of demonstrators were cut down in a hail of flying lead. Many hundreds more were seriously injured. Twenty years after this massacre, not too many people were surprised when it was revealed that the man who was Paris' chief of police at the time - Maurice Papon - had collaborated with the Nazis during WWII by deporting hundreds of French Jews to death camps across Europe.

***

On this day in 1970, in Montreal, Quebec, Quebec Vice-Premier and Minister of Labour Pierre Laporte is murdered - or was it an accident? - by members of the FLQ terrorist group.

***

On this day in the year 1979, despite the fact that she consorted with some of the most evil fuckers the world has ever known and her so-called hospitals didn't even carry so much as a bottle of aspirin to ease patients' suffering, Mother Teresa is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Don't believe the hype!

***

On this day in 1994, Russian journalist Dmitry Kholodov is assassinated while investigating corruption in the Russian armed forces. Big shock, there, eh? What did you expect, dude? Whatever the Rooskies have in place of the Pulitzer? This is nothing but a case of "suicide by journalism" in extremis.

***

On this day in 2002, authorities in the greater Washington DC area recommend that pedestrians should "walk in a zig-zag manner" to avoid a terror sniper's bullets. I thought this was a bad idea, because if you're moving in a zig-zag, you will eventually fall into a recognizable pattern, after which any moderately skilled marksman - or even the average Unreal Tournament geek - will be able to pick you off with relative ease. A better option would have been to just dance! From the Mashed Potato to the Frug, then on to the Twist, the Shimmy, the Monkey and the Swim... then alternating between the Robot and the Moonwalk. Not only would it have been effective, it would also have been a beautiful gesture of defiance. Stupid, but beautiful.

***

On this day in 2003, the pinnacle is fitted on the roof of Taipei 101, a 101-floor skyscraper in Taipei, allowing it to surpass the Petronas Twin Towers in Kuala Lumpur by 56 metres (184 ft) and become the world's tallest high rise. Both structures are currently dwarfed by the world champion Burj Dubai in, you guessed it, Dubai! Just check it out up top.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 16

On this day in 1384, an exceptional lady by the name of Jadwiga is crowned King of Poland, even though she's a woman.

***

On this day in 1793, Marie-Antoinette loses her head to a French revolutionary guillotine. Two hundred and twenty-or-so years later, the enshrined ruling classes seem to have forgotten this valuable historic lesson. Perhaps a refresher course is in order.

***

On this day in 1859, American anti-American terrorist John Brown launches an attack on the federal armory in Harper's Ferry, Virginia. His plan was for his small cadre of men to seize the many weapons being stored there, head south, and arm the slaves for a general revolt. Brown's men captured the armory, but soon found themselves unable to escape. After being captured, Brown was sentenced to die by the noose. Though he was white, Brown relished the idea of becoming a martyr for the abolitionist (anti-slavery) cause, and thus refused rescue when one of his accomplices managed to take over the jail where he was being held. On his dying day, Brown wrote: "I, John Brown, am now quite certain that the crimes of this guilty land will never be purged away but with blood. I had, as I now think, vainly flattered myself that without very much bloodshed it might be done." The Civil War would soon follow, and with it, the end of slavery.

But, soon after, Jim Crowe laws! Whyte men sure take issue with Black men and women having self determination. I won't even ATTEMPT to explain the rest of THAT history.

***

On this day in 1916, in Brooklyn, New York, Margaret Sanger opens the first family planning clinic in the United States.

***

On this day in 1923, the Walt Disney Company is founded by Walt Disney and his brother, Roy Disney. Mass social engineering technique refinement and occult-tinged mind control experiments ensue.

***

File this one in the "THAT didn't take long" file. On this day in 1951, the first Prime Minister of Pakistan, Liaquat Ali Khan, is assassinated in Rawalpindi.

***

On this day in 1962, the Cuban missile crisis between the United States, Cuba, and the Soviet Union begins in earnest when US President John F. Kennedy is shown photographs of missile sites in Cuba.

***

On this day in 1964, China detonates its first nuclear weapon.

***

On this day in 1968, US athletes Tommie Smith and John Carlos are kicked off the US team for participating in the 1968 Olympics Black Power salute. See above.

***

On this day in 1970, in response to the October Crisis terrorist kidnapping, Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau of Canada invokes the War Measures Act.

***

On this day in 1978, a Polish Catholic priest named Karol Wojtyla is elected Pope John Paul II after the October 1978 Papal conclave, the first non-Italian pontiff since 1523.

***

On this day in 1991, some loony-toons by the name of George Hennard runs amok at Luby’s Cafeteria in Killeen, Texas, killing 23 and wounding 20.

***

On this day in 1995, the Million Man March takes place in Washington, DC.