PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 5

On this day in 1989, the Dalai Lama is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in recognition, I suppose, of his complete and utter failure to get the Chinese out of Tibet. Or maybe it was to reward him for the "nonviolent" way in which he fled the Chinese invasion in 1959. Either way, he's still a guy in a skirt who thinks he's got the ghosts of the last 13 Dalai Lamas inside him.

***

Acid-head Herbert Mullin was terrified that a monster earthquake was about to send California sliding into the Pacific Ocean as a sort of cosmic retribution for America's crimes during the Vietnam War. So, in order to prevent this monster quake, Mullin did the only thing he believed might make a difference… he began making human sacrifices! The fucked-up fruit-cake butchered his first of thirteen victims on this day in the year 1972.

*** **** ***

Eight years ago around this time, conservative multimedia titan Rush Limbaugh was having a very bad week. It all started on ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown, where he said of Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb: "I think what we've had here is a little social concern in the NFL. The media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well. There is a little hope invested in McNabb, and he got a lot of credit for the performance of this team that he didn't deserve."

Within hours of Rush making the above statement, a number of sports figures, journalists and political pundits were taking Rush to task for injecting race into a sports show. Some people called on Rush to apologize. A few even called on ESPN to fire him. Simultaneously, conservative commentators defended their point man and standard-bearer. Their massive rhetorical counter-assault was truly a wonder to behold, as the usual gaggle of billionaire-subsidized conservative establishment bigots and racists came forward to assure their racist, bigoted constituency that Rush’s statement in no way meant that they had to admit that he was a bigot or a racist.

And so, thanks to the ruckus generated by his big frickin' mouth, the nation's eyes were once again on Rush Limbaugh, which is probably exactly what he wanted. Unfortunately for him, fate (and the editors of the National Enquirer) had been saving up a big steaming load of Karma to drop on top of his vile shit-bucket of a head.

Within a calendar day of the start of his troubles, the world learned that Rush Limbaugh - fire-breathing law-and-order pundit, big backer of the Drug War and "mandatory minimum" laws - was a pill-popping opiate junkie. Thus was explained his "mysterious" deafness, a common side effect of Rush's particular brand of drug abuse. According to Florida authorities, the Big Talker spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on tens of thousands of mind-scrambling pain pills in a few short years.

In short order, ESPN fired him, and Limbaugh commenced to whining. Apparently, none of his problems were his fault. He made himself a martyr in his own mind - live, before an audience of millions - ridiculously using his show to insinuate that he would be thrown in jail over what he said about McNabb.

And speaking of jail, the fact that Limbaugh has never had to pay any kind of price for his crimes really chaps yer old pal Jerky's ass. But Rush is now dead, so chapping be gone!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 4

On this day in 1535, the first complete English-language Bible – known as the Coverdale Bible – is printed, with translations by William Tyndale and Miles Coverdale. Why isn't it known as the Tyndale-Coverdale Bible? Because life is brutally unfair, ladies and gentlemen. Even when it comes to doling out Bible credits.

***

On this day in 1824, Mexico adopts a new constitution and becomes a federal republic.

***

On this day in 1883, the Orient Express takes its first run.

***

On this day in 1927, sculptor Gutzon Borglum begins sculpting Mount Rushmore.

***

On this day in 1940, a meeting takes place between Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini at the Brenner Pass.

***

On this day in 1941, Norman Rockwell's Willie Gillis character debuts on the cover of the Saturday Evening Post.

***

On this day in the year 1955, the fascist megalomaniac leader of the Unification Church, "Reverend" Sun Young Moon, is freed from prison in Seoul, South Korea. So pleased is he with his newfound freedom that he orders his hundreds of thousands of followers to henceforth celebrate October 4th as Victory of Heaven Day. It should come as no surprise that religious freak Moon uses his Moonie millions to help out his buddies on the American Far Right… people like Richard Nixon and Ollie North and Jerry Falwell, and of course the Bush Crime Family. It's also interesting to note that the Moonies own the Washington Times, as well as the University of Bridgeport.

***

On this day in 1957, the Soviet Union humiliates the United States by launching Sputnik, the world's first artificial satellite, thus proving once and for all that communism is superior to capitalist democracy. Meanwhile, in Canada, the first Avro Arrow rolls out at the Avro Canada plant in Malton, Ontario. It was the most sophisticated jet plane of its day, until a conspiracy killed it…

***

On this day in 1985, the Free Software Foundation is founded in Massachusetts, USA.

***

On this day in 1988, US televangelist Jim Bakker of PTL (Praise The Lord or Pass The Loot?) infamy is indicted for fraud. He would go on to spend many years in jail, and shed many tears on TV.

***

On this day in 1993, in Moscow, tanks bombard the White House, a government building that housed the Russian parliament, while demonstrators against President Boris Yeltsin rally outside.

***

On this day in 2004, SpaceShipOne wins Ansari X Prize for private spaceflight, by being the first private craft to fly into space.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 3

On this day in 52 BC, Vercingetorix, leader of the Gauls, surrenders to the Romans under Julius Caesar, ending the siege and Battle of Alesia.

***

On this day in 1849, American author Edgar Allan Poe is found delirious in a gutter in Baltimore, Maryland under mysterious circumstances; it is the last time he is seen in public before his death.

***

On this day in 1942, the first successful launch of a V-2/A4 rocket from Test Stand VII at Peenemünde, Germany. It is the first man-made object to reach space.

***

On this day in 1949, the 1st black-owned radio station in the United States, opens in Atlanta, Georgia. Its call letters? WERD.

***

On this day in 1951, the "Shot Heard 'Round the World", one of the greatest moments in Major League Baseball history, occurs when the New York Giants' Bobby Thomson hits a game winning home run in the bottom of the ninth inning off of the Brooklyn Dodgers pitcher Ralph Branca, to win the National League pennant after being down 14 games.

***

On this day in 1952, the United Kingdom successfully tests a nuclear weapon to become the world's third nuclear power. Meanwhile, on TV, The Mickey Mouse Club debuts on ABC.

***

On this day in 1964, the first ever Buffalo Wings are made at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, New York.

***

On this day in 1981, the hunger strike by Provisional Irish Republican Army and Irish National Liberation Army prisoners at the Maze Prison in Northern Ireland ends after seven months and ten deaths.

***

On this day in 1990, the German Democratic Republic ceases to exist and its territory becomes part of the Federal Republic of Germany. East German citizens became part of the European Community, which later became the European Union. Now celebrated as German Unity Day.

***

On this day in 1993, In an attempt to capture officials of warlord Mohamed Farrah Aidid's organisation in Mogadishu, Somalia, 18 US soldiers and about 1,000 Somalis are killed in heavy fighting.

***

On this day in the year 1995, America narrowly avoids plunging into an all-out race war when twelve brilliant minds - each well aware of the societal stakes - decide to acquit professional celebrity Orenthal James Simpson of all charges stemming from the outright butchery of his estranged wife Nicole Brown Simpson, and her "friend"Ronald Goldman. This, despite the fact that, clearly, he did it. The trial wasted an amazing 252 days of all our lives, and was a ratings smash, spawning such sequels as Bill and Monica, Death of a Princess, and Where's Chandra? Over the last few years, however, the still-popular genre of "reality" reality has been taken over by altogether more disturbing fare.

***

On this day in 2003, Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy is attacked by one of the show's tigers, canceling the show until 2009, when they rejoined the tiger that mauled Roy just six years earlier.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 2

On this day in 1187, the Siege of Jerusalem ends when Saladin captures Jerusalem after 88 years of Crusader rule.

***

On this day in 1535, French explorer Jacques Cartier discovers the area where Montreal, Quebec is located.

***

On this day in 1922, the very first facsimile photo ("fax") is sent over public telephone lines. No record of the image exists, but yer old pal Jerky is fairly certain it was a crudely drawn set of shrunken male genitals with a caption underneath reading: "If good things come in small packages, then yours must be worth a fortune!" Either that, or it was a fucking chain letter.

***

On this day in 1928, the "Prelature of the Holy Cross and the Work of God", commonly known as Opus Dei, is founded by Saint Josemaría Escrivá.

***

On this day in 1937, Dominican Republic strongman Rafael Trujillo orders the execution of the Haitian population living within the borderlands; approximately 20,000 are killed over the next five days.

***

On this day in 1944, Nazi troops put a bloody end to the Warsaw Uprising.

***

On this day in 1950, Peanuts by Charles M. Schulz is first published

***

On this day in the year 1959, America enters another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. It's a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination, when Rod Serling's Twilight Zone - quite possibly the coolest fucking show ever to grace the airwaves -premieres on CBS.

***

On this day in 1967, Thurgood Marshall is sworn in as the first African-American justice of United States Supreme Court.

***

On this day in 2002, the Beltway sniper attacks begin, extending over three weeks.

***

On this day in 2006, five school girls are murdered by Charles Carl Roberts in a shooting at an Amish school in Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania before Roberts commits suicide.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 1

On this day in 1189, Gerard de Ridefort, grandmaster of the Knights Templar since 1184, is killed in the Siege of Acre.

***

On this day in 1553, the coronation of Queen Mary I of England takes place.

***

On this day in 1811, the first steamboat to sail the Mississippi River arrives in New Orleans, Louisiana.

***

On this day in 1890, Yosemite National Park is established by the U.S. Congress.

***

On this day in 1891, in the state of California, Stanford University opens its doors. A prestigious parapsychology department soon opens its doors.

***

On this day in 1908, Ford puts the Model T car on the market at a price of US$825.

***

On this day in 1910, a large bomb destroys the Los Angeles Times building in downtown Los Angeles, California, killing 21.

***

On this day in 1918, Arab forces under T. E. Lawrence, also known as "Lawrence of Arabia", capture Damascus.

***

On this day in 1936, General Francisco Franco is named head of the Nationalist government of Spain.

***

On this day in 1938, Germany annexes the Sudetenland.

***

On this day in 1944, the Nazis begin a series of gruesome medical experiments on gay men at the Buchenwald concentration camp. Hiding behind the legitimate-sounding moniker: Division for Typhus and Virus Research of the Hygiene Institute of the Waffen SS, the sadistic freakazoids of the Third Reich got their rocks off by castrating hundreds of men using a variety of torturous methods, and injecting prisoners with diseases to test out new vaccines. Hundreds of Jews, Gypsies, and mentally ill prisoners were also "euthanized" in the camp, which was overseen by the infamous Ilsa Koch, the real-life inspiration for those lurid Ilsa movies. Her penchant for lampshades, gloves, and other items made from the skin of dead inmates -- along with her reputation for forcing prisoners to participate in Caligula-level orgies -- made her a legend for a time.

***

On this day in 1946, the “genius” organization Mensa International is founded in the United Kingdom.

***

Remember Dr. Strangelove? On this day in the year 1957, B-52 bombers loaded down with nukes begin flying non-stop missions along the boundaries of Soviet airspace, just waiting on the word to fly in and drop their loads. Get thee to a mine shaft! It was also on this day that Americans first see In God We Trust on their paper currency.

***

On this day in 1958, NASA is created to replace NACA.

***

On this day in 1979, the United States returns sovereignty of the Panama canal to Panama.

***

On this day in 1982, EPCOT Center opens at Walt Disney World near Orlando, Florida, United States. Meanwhile, in Japan, Sony launches the first consumer compact disc player (model CDP-101).

***

On this day in 1989, Denmark introduces the world's first legal modern same-sex civil union called "registered partnership".

***

On this day in 1992, the Cartoon Network begins broadcasting. Adult Swim shows ensue.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 30

On this day in 1399, some guy named Henry IV is proclaimed King of England.

***

On this day in 1452, the first-ever mass-produced book is published: The Guttenberg Bible. This spreading of the word means that even the "common man" could become as arrogant, merciless and self-righteous as the clergy who, up until that time, had been the Bible's privileged demographic...

***

On this day in 1630, the first execution in American history took place. The executee was murderer John Billington, who was "hanged by the neck until dead" in scenic Plymouth, Massachusetts. As recorded back in the day, Billington was a troublemaker who: "had been often punished for miscarriages before; being [from] one of the profanest families amongst them." His victim was a man by the name of John Newcomen.

***

On this day in 1791, the first performance of The Magic Flute, the last opera by Mozart to make its debut, took place at Freihaus-Theater auf der Wieden in Vienna, Austria. Some still believe that he revealed Masonic secrets in this opera, and that he paid for this with his life.

***

On this day in 1882, Thomas Edison's first commercial hydroelectric power plant begins operation on the Fox River in Appleton, Wisconsin, United States.

***

On this day in 1888, a very busy Jack the Ripper kills his third and fourth victims, Elizabeth Stride and Catherine Eddowes.

***

On this day in 1938, the League of Nations unanimously outlaws "intentional bombings of civilian populations". And we all lived happily ever after.

***

On this day in 1941, in Kiev, Ukraine: German Einsatzgruppe C complete Babi Yar massacre.

***

On this day in 1955, troubled young method actor James Dean is killed when he drives his Porsche 550 Spyder head-on into another car. Spookily, after being stripped for parts, the remains of the Spyder went on to kill and maim a bunch more people... I shit you not!

***

On this day in 1960, Clarabelle the Clown finally gets to speak on the Howdy Doody Show. His last words are rather lacking in drama, but fittingly a propos: "Goodbye Kids!" Actually, "au revoir" might have been more fitting, as Bob Keeshan, who played Clarabelle, went on to play Captain Kangaroo. He's dead now, as soon will you be, too.

***

On this day in 1962, Mexican-American labor leader César Chávez founds the National Farm Workers Association, which later becomes United Farm Workers.

***

On this day in 1968, the Boeing 747 is rolled out and shown to the public for the first time at the Boeing Everett Factory.

***

On this day in 1986, Mordechai Vanunu, who revealed details of Israel's covert nuclear program to British media, is kidnapped in Rome, Italy by the Israeli Mossad. He fell victim to an intricate “honey pot trap” for him, whereby a female Mossad agent pretending to be an Italian woman who had fallen in love with Vanunu lured him to the hotel from which he was kidnapped. He was held, mostly in isolation, for decades before ultimately being freed.

***

On this day in 2004, the first images of a live giant squid in its natural habitat are taken 600 miles south of Tokyo.

***

On this day in 2005, the controversial drawings of Muhammad are printed in the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 29

On this day in 1789, the United States Department of War first establishes a regular army with a strength of several hundred men.

***

On this day in 1789, the 1st United States Congress adjourns.

***

On this day in 1850, the Roman Catholic hierarchy is re-established in England and Wales by Pope Pius IX.

***

On this day in 1962, Alouette 1, the first Canadian satellite, is launched. Mostly for hockey-related purposes.

***

On this day in 1972, the Insurance industry announces that, contrary to what common sense would seem to dictate, professional auto racers get into more highway accidents than the average driver.

***

On this day in 1975, WGPR in Detroit, Michigan, becomes the world's first black-owned-and-operated television station.

***

On this day in 1982, in the first ever case of random murder by product-tampering, some jack-off laces bottles of Tylenol with cyanide, causing the deaths of seven people in Chicago and prompting Johnson and Johnson to make like a horny walrus and start looking for a tighter seal.

***

On this day in 1987, Compaq confounds the plebeian masses when they divulge the existence of their portable computer, equipped with a 386 chip, the newest and most powerful chip on the market at the time. The Compaq Portable 386 cost a wallet-cracking $10,000, and weighed a lap-bruising twenty pounds.

***

On this day in 1991, Haiti suffers a military coup... AGAIN!

***

On this day in 2004, the asteroid 4179 Toutatis passes within four lunar distances of Earth.

***

On this day in 2008, following the bankruptcies of Lehman Brothers and Washington Mutual, The Dow Jones Industrial Average falls 777.68 points, the largest single-day point loss in its history.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 28

Confucius say: "Have some cake! It Confucius Birthday!" Actually, he probably never said that, seeing as birthday cake had yet to be invented in 551 BC, the year the great Chinese teacher was born.

***

On this day in 1066, William the Bastard (as he was known at the time) invades England beginning the Norman conquest of England.

***

On this day in 1867, Toronto becomes the capital of Ontario. And they STILL haven’t gotten over themselves!

***

On this day in 1889, the first General Conference on Weights and Measures (CGPM) defines the length of a meter as the distance between two lines on a standard bar of an alloy of platinum with ten percent iridium, measured at the melting point of ice. Seriously.

***

On this day in 1928, the U.K. Parliament passes the Dangerous Drugs Act outlawing cannabis. Yeah... real dangerous drug, there, guys.

***

On this day in 1973, the ITT Building in New York City is bombed in protest at ITT's alleged involvement in the September 11, 1973 coup d'état in Chile.

***

On this day in 1995, Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat sign the Interim Agreement on the West Bank and the Gaza Strip.

***

On this day in 1996, former president of Afghanistan Mohammad Najibullah is tortured and brutally murdered by the Taliban.

***

On this day in 2000, Ariel Sharon visits Al-Aqsa Mosque known to Jews as the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

***

On this day in 2008, SpaceX launches the first private spacecraft, the Falcon 1 into orbit.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 27

On this day in 1540, the Society of Jesus – better known to conspiracy theorists as the Jesuits – receives its charter from Pope Paul III.

***

On this day in 1590, Pope Urban VII dies 13 days after being chosen as the Pope, making his reign the shortest papacy in history.

***

On this day in 1821, Mexico gains its independence from Spain.

***

On this day in 1822, Jean-François Champollion announces that he has deciphered the Rosetta stone.

***

On this day in 1905, the physics journal Annalen der Physik received Albert Einstein's paper "Does the Inertia of a Body Depend Upon Its Energy Content?", introducing the equation E=mc².

***

On this day in 1937, the Balinese Tiger declared extinct.

***

On this day in 1954, the nationwide debut of Tonight Starring Steve Allen (The Tonight Show) hosted by Steve Allen on NBC.

***

The Warren Commission investigation into the assassination of President John F. Kennedy is first made public on this day in the year 1964. The Commission's conclusions? That Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, that every shot came from a window on the sixth floor of the Dallas school book repository building, and that yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

***

On this day in 1968, the stage musical HAIR opens at the Shaftesbury Theatre in London, where it played 1,998 performances until its closure was forced by the roof collapsing in July 1973.

***

On this day in 1988, lab tests approved by the Vatican show beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Shroud of Turin was fabricated in the early Middle Ages, and therefore could not possibly be Jesus's burial cloth. True believers, however, refuse to accept the findings, citing the fact that science is "a tool of the DEVIL!"

***

On this day in 1998, the Google internet search engine retrospectively claims this as its birthday.

***

On this day in 2008, CNSA astronaut Zhai Zhigang becomes the first Chinese person to perform a spacewalk while flying on Shenzhou 7.Or does he?

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 26

On this day in the year 31 AD, Jesus wept.

***

On this day in 1580, adventurer and occultist Sir Francis Drake finishes his circumnavigation of the Earth.

***

On this day in 1933, as gangster Machine Gun Kelly surrenders to the FBI, he shouts out, "Don’t shoot, G-Men!", which becomes a nickname for FBI agents. Meanwhile, not too far away, ten convicts escape from the Indiana State Prison with guns smuggled into the prison by bank robber John Dillinger.

***

On this day in 1960, in Chicago, the first televised debate takes place between presidential candidates Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy. Those who watched said JFK won. Those who listened on the radio gave the edge to Nixon.

***

On this day in 1984, President Ronald Reagan vetoes the first of several bills calling on the USA to impose economic sanctions on South Africa in protest of Apartheid. It isn't until 1986, when the Democratic Congress takes the initiative and over-rides another one of Reagan's shameful vetoes, that the sanctions were finally approved and implemented. Meanwhile, in the United Kingdom, the Powers That Be "agree" to the handover of Hong Kong to the communist Chinese government.

***

On this day in the year 1990, the good folks at the MPAA create the totally useless NC-17 rating for films deemed too explicit to be rated R, but not so explicit that they merit an X, which is box-office death. Unfortunately, theater owners never picked up on the concept, deciding that an NC-17 was just as "bad" as an X. Yer old pal Jerky thinks most of these age-threshold parameters are bullshit anyway. They should just give everyone an IQ test before allowing them to enter the theater. Then you could rate films by the minimum IQ required to be able to understand or enjoy the film. So, for instance, a film like Battlefield Earth could be rated IQ-50, and a film like 2001: A Space Odyssey could be rated IQ-120.

***

On this day in 2002, the overcrowded Senegalese ferry MV Le Joola capsizes off the coast of the Gambia killing more than 1,000.

***

On this day in 2008, Swiss pilot and inventor Yves Rossy becomes first person to fly a jet engine-powered wing across the English Channel.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 25

On this day in 1690, Publick Occurrences Both Forreign and Domestick, the first newspaper to appear in the Americas, is published for the first and only time.

***

On this day in 1789, the United States Congress passes twelve amendments to the United States Constitution: the Congressional Apportionment Amendment (which was never ratified), the Congressional Compensation Amendment, and the ten that are known as the Bill of Rights.

***

On this day in 1906, in the presence of the king and before a great crowd, Leonardo Torres Quevedo successfully demonstrates the invention of the Telekino in the port of Bilbao, guiding a boat from the shore, in what is considered the birth of the remote control.

***

On this day in 1951, Luke Skywalker was born. Exactly one year later, Superman was born. Today, Luke Skywalker is playing "Pharoah" in a Branson dinner theater production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and Superman is dead. Oh, how the mighty have fallen...

***

On this day in 1956, the first ever transatlantic telephone call takes place, between AT&T bigwig Cleo Frank Craig and Dr. Charles Hill of the British Post Office. At its humble beginnings, the transatlantic cable could only handle a mere thirty-six conversations at any one time. Now, people get upset if their computer lags when they've got thirty-six full-resolution hardcore porn videos downloading at once. We've come a long way, baby!

***

This day in 1986 was a bleak day for the Supreme Court of the USA, as neo-fascist bizarro-cult-member Antonin "the Godfather" Scalia is appointed to that formerly respectable institution by then-President, Ronald Fucking Reagan.

***

On this day in 1990, Saddam Hussein warns that by attacking Iraq, the US would have to endure a re-run of the Vietnam experience. Little did anyone know it would take an unlucky thirteen years for the Mesopotamian dictator's prophecy to come (somewhat) true.

***

On this day in 1992, NASA launches the Mars Observer, a $511 million probe to Mars, in the first U.S. mission to the planet in 17 years. Eleven months later, the probe would fail.

***

On this day in 1996, the last of the Magdalene asylums - essentially laundromats run with an iron fist by Catholic nuns and operated on a slave labor system by captive women and children - closes in Ireland.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 24

On this day in 768, Charlemagne gets crowned the first King of the Franks.

***

On this day in 1869, "Black Friday" takes place when gold prices plummet after Ulysses S. Grant orders the Treasury to sell large quantities of gold after Jay Gould and James Fisk plot to control the market.

***

On this day in 1890, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints officially renounces polygamy.

***

On this day in 1906, US President Theodore Roosevelt proclaims Devils Tower in Wyoming as the nation's very first National Monument.

***

On this day in 1950, forest fires black out the sun over portions of Canada and New England. A blue moon is seen as far away as Europe.

***

On this day in 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower sends 101st Airborne Division troops to Little Rock, Arkansas, to enforce desegregation.

***

On this day in 1968, the journalism show 60 Minutes debuts on CBS.

***

On this day in 1979, CompuServe launches the first consumer internet service, which features the first public electronic mail service.

***

With a little help from every professional athlete's little helper - steroids! - Jamaican/Canadian Olympic runner Ben Johnson becomes the fastest human being on the planet on this day in 1988, when he completes the 100 meter dash in an incredible 9.79 seconds. Taking his gold medal away from him will never change those awesome numbers. Besides, did you watch that race? Does anybody really believe Carl Lewis and Linford Christie weren't juiced to the gills, as well?!

***

On this day in 1990, the Supreme Soviet gives final approval for the big switch-over to a free market economic system. Chaos ensues.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 23

On this day in the year 1875, 15-year-old Billy the Kid gets thrown in jail for the first time in his life, after stealing a bag of clothes from a Chinese laundryman as a joke. Despite his crippling claustrophobia, Billy managed to escape prison by squeezing through the chimney. For the rest of his days, Billy would be on the wrong side of the law.

***

On this day in 1889, Nintendo Koppai - later Nintendo Company Ltd - is founded by Fusajiro Yamauchi to produce and market the playing card game Hanafuda.

***

On this day in 1909, The Phantom of the Opera, a novel by French writer Gaston Leroux, is first published as a serialization in Le Gaulois.

***

On this day in 1952, Richard Nixon makes his "Checkers speech", in which he references his dog, Checkers.

***

On this day in 1969, the Chicago Eight trial opens in - where else? - Chicago!

***

On this day in 1976, Republican Presidential candidate Gerald Ford debates Democratic Presidential candidate Jimmy Carter on live television. Chaos ensues.

***

On this day in 1977, Cheryl Ladd replaces Farrah Fawcett on Charlie's Angels. The millions of teenage boys who make up the show's target demographic briefly pause, shrug, then resume masturbating.

***

On this day in 2008, the Kauhajoki school shooting takes place when Matti Saari kills 10 people before committing suicide.

***

On this day in the year 1846, astronomers discover our solar system's eighth planet, Neptune, by extrapolating potential orbits based on some of the more unusual aspects of... Uranus. You see, it was hypothesized that, due to the way it moved, there had to be something behind... Uranus. It has subsequently been noted that Neptune is smaller in diameter, but larger in mass, than... Uranus. Which must be why you go through so much toilet paper, you fat tub of lard!

PS - Who would have thought Uranus could be so beautiful?

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 22

On this day in 1598, English playwright Ben Jonson kills an actor in a duel and is indicted for manslaughter.

***

For a timeless lesson on the inherent dangers in allowing religion to have too great an influence on public policy, one need look no further than the Salem Witch Trials, which came to an end after the last 8 "witches" were hanged by the neck until dead, on this day in the year 1692.

***

On this day in 1789, the office of United States Postmaster General is established.

***

On this day in 1823, Joseph Smith, Jr. states he found the Golden plates on this date after being directed by God through the Angel Moroni to the place where they were buried.

***

On this day in 1869, Richard Wagner's opera Das Rheingold premieres in Munich.

***

On this day in 1888, the first issue of National Geographic Magazine is published.

***

On this day in 1896, Queen Victoria surpasses her grandfather King George III as the longest reigning monarch in British history.

***

On this day in 1975, former Manson Family member Sara Jane Moore tries to assassinate U.S. President Gerald Ford, but is foiled by Oliver Sipple.

***

On this day in 1979, the Vela Incident - also known as the South Atlantic Flash - is observed near Bouvet Island, thought to be a nuclear weapons test.

***

On this day in 1980, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein launches an invasion of Ayatollah Khomeini's revolutionary Iran. It was the beginning of the deadly Iran/Iraq War, wherein we here in the USA played both sides against each other, overtly supporting Iraq while covertly supporting Iran. It was a win/win (or lose/lose) situation!

***

On this day in 1991, the Dead Sea Scrolls are made available to the public for the first time by the Huntington Library. Well... a tiny chunk of them are, anyway.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 21

On this day in 1792, a month after imprisoning King Louis XIV and his wife, Marie Antoinette, the chief architects of the revolutionary movement in France declare the monarchy to be over and done with. Soon, despite sky-high constitutional promises of democracy, liberties and property rights for the common Frenchman, heads begin rolling down the streets in great numbers as the Terror begins.

Contemplating the hideous fate of the French monarchy got yer old pal Jerky thinking... which would be worse? To be obliterated in one of history's greatest bloody rebellions? Or, as has happened in England, to devolve into a kind of living soap opera for dullards, stripped of all power, and basically allowed to exist because they help keep British people's minds off the fact that their Empire crumbled more than half a century ago?

Yer old pal Jerky would like to be able to say that he'd stride defiantly towards the guillotine, giving future biographers and historians something to write about. However, being a comfort-loving coward, I'm afraid I'd eventually have to settle on the latter option, wherein posing for postcards, waving at idiots and dodging the occasional paparazzo would be the hardest I'd ever have to work for the rest of my fucking life.

And speaking of overthrowing monarchy, it was on this day in 1776, American patriot Nathan Hale uttered the immortal words: "I only regret I have but one life to live for my country," before being hanged for spying against the British. He was 21 years old.

***

On this day in 1937, J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit is published.

***

On this day in 1977, a nuclear non-proliferation pact is signed by 15 countries, including the United States and the Soviet Union.

***

On this day in 1981, Sandra Day O'Connor is unanimously approved by the U.S. Senate as the first female Supreme Court justice.

***

On this day in 1991, Armenia is granted independence from Soviet Union.

***

On this day in 1993, Russian President Boris Yeltsin suspends parliament and scraps the then-functioning constitution, thus triggering the Russian constitutional crisis of 1993.

***

On this day in 2001, America: A Tribute to Heroes is broadcast by over 35 network and cable channels, raising over $200 million for the September 11 attack victims.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 20

It was (roughly) on this day in the year 622 that the Muslim era began, when Mohammad made his "hegira," which is a fancy Arab word that means: "fleeing." Chased out of Mecca for pestering citizens there with his tales of revelation-spouting angels in mountain caves, Mohammad made his way to Medina, where people actually believed his stories and raised an army in defense of them. Eventually, Mohammad would return to Mecca and FORCE them to believe. And they all lived happily ever after.

***

On this day in 1187, Saladin begins the Siege of Jerusalem.

***

On this day in 1848, the American Association for the Advancement of Science is created.

***

On this day in 1881, Chester A. Arthur is inaugurated as the 21st President of the United States following the assassination of James Garfield.

***

On this day in 1884, the Equal Rights Party nominates female candidates for both President and Vice President of the United States of America. Thus is explained their crushing defeat.

***

On this day in 1945, after being secretly smuggled into the country in the top secret Project Paperclip, "former" Nazi rocket scientists begin their first day of "honest" work in the good old US-of-A.

***

On this day in 1973, God once again proves he's an asshole when he makes singer/songwriter Jim Croce's plane crash. Croce, famous for such gentle, catchy hits as Bad Bad Leroy Brown, Time in a Bottle and Lover's Cross, was only 30 years old at the time.

***

On this day in 2002, the Kolka-Karmadon rock/ice slide. It's a big one!

***

On this day in 2011, the United States ends its "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, allowing gay men and women to serve openly for the first time.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 19

On this day in 1778, the Continental Congress passes the first United States federal budget.

***

On this day in 1796, George Washington's Farewell Address is printed across America as an open letter to the public.

***

On this day in 1881, U.S. President James A. Garfield dies of wounds suffered in a July 2 shooting.

***

On this day in 1928, Walt Disney's star creation Mickey Mouse makes his on-screen debut at New York's Colony Theater in Steamboat Willie, a really short and boring cartoon. Exactly thirty-one years later, on this day in 1959, Russian premier Nikita "We Will Bury You" Krushchev is denied entry to Walt Disney's experimental utopian community prototype, codename: Disneyland. Coincidence? Yeah. Right.

***

On this day in 1934, a German immigrant named Bruno Hauptmann is arrested for the kidnapping and murder of Charles Lindbergh, Jr.

***

On this day in 1946, the first Cannes Film Festival is held, having been delayed seven years due to World War II.

***

On this day in 1957, the first American underground nuclear bomb test - part of Operation Plumbbob - takes place.

***

On this day in 1970, the first Glastonbury Festival is held at Michael Eavis's farm in Glastonbury, United Kingdom.

***

On this day in 1976, two Imperial Iranian Air Force F-4 Phantom II jets fly out to investigate an unidentified flying object when both independently lose instrumentation and communications as they approach, only to have them restored upon withdrawal.

***

On this day in 1985, Tipper Gore and other political wives form the Parents Music Resource Center as Frank Zappa and other musicians testify at U.S. Congressional hearings on obscenity in rock music.

***

On this day in 1991, Ötzi the Iceman is discovered by German tourists.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 18

On this day in 1502, Christopher Columbus lands at Honduras on his fourth, and final voyage.

***

On this day in 1793, the first cornerstone of the Capitol building is laid by George Washington.

***

On this day in 1830, a horse beats the first American-made steam locomotive in a race near Baltimore, Maryland. In a number of alternate universes, this single event puts an ignominious end to the Industrial Revolution, after which we all return to the wild, eating poison mushrooms and berries, mating with whomever we can overpower, and living to a ripe old age of about thirty or so before being eaten alive by wolves. I know, I know… the grass is always greener!

***

 On this day in 1850, the U.S. Congress passes the Fugitive Slave Law of 1850. It's pretty gross.

***

On this day in 1851, the New York Times publishes its first edition. Unfortunately, yer old pal Jerky picked up this piece of information from the New York Times, so he can't really vouch for its veracity.

***

On this day in 1870, Old Faithful Geyser is observed and named by Henry D. Washburn during the Washburn-Langford-Doane Expedition to Yellowstone.

***

On this day in 1885, riots break out in Montreal to protest against compulsory smallpox vaccination.

***

On this day in 1895, Daniel David Palmer gives the first chiropractic adjustment.

***

On this day in 1919, Fritz Pollard becomes the first African-American to play professional football for a major team, the Akron Pros.

***

On this day in 1927, the Columbia Broadcasting System – or CBS – goes on the air.

***

On this day in 1934, the USSR is admitted to League of Nations.

***

On this day in 1939, the Nazi propaganda broadcaster known as Lord Haw-Haw begins transmitting.

***

On this day in 1947, the National Security Council and the Central Intelligence Agency were established in the United States under the National Security Act. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CIA!

***

On this day in 1948, Margaret Chase Smith of Maine becomes the first woman elected to the US Senate without completing another senator's term, when she defeats Democratic opponent Adrian Scolten.

***

On this day in 1961, UN Secretary-General Dag Hammarskjöld dies in a plane crash while attempting to negotiate peace in the war-torn Katanga region of the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

***

On this day in 1974, over five thousand people die in Honduras as Hurricane Fifi comes ashore. That's right... you read right: five thousand Hondurans were killed by something called Fifi. Never look at poodles the same way again.

***

On this day in 1975, mind-control victim Patty Hearst is arrested after a year on the FBI Most Wanted List.

***

On this day in 1998, ICANN is formed. Believe it or not, this is some pretty important stuff.

***

On this day in 2001, first mailing of anthrax letters from Trenton, New Jersey in the 2001 anthrax attacks.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 17

On this day in 1630, the city of Boston, Massachusetts is founded.

***

On this day in 1683, Antonie van Leeuwenhoek writes a letter to the Royal Society describing "animalcules": the first known description of protozoa. Little animals. Cute, no?

***

On this day in 1776, the Presidio of San Francisco is founded in New Spain. Some dark stuff goes down there over the years.

***

On this day in 1787, the United States Constitution is signed in Philadelphia.

***

On this day in 1859, Joshua A. Norton declares himself Emperor Norton I of the United States. A great many people go along with his gag, up until the day he dies.

***

On this day in 1862, America suffered the single bloodiest day in her history. It was during the Civil War, at Antietam. When the fighting was over, three thousand, six hundred and fifty four men lay dead on the battlefield. And adding insult to injury... the damn thing was a DRAW! All that death and gore, and there wasn't even a winner. Can you imagine how let down they all must have felt?

***

On this day in 1908, the Wright Flyer flown by Orville Wright, with Lieutenant Thomas Selfridge as passenger, crashes killing Selfridge. He becomes the first airplane fatality.

***

On this day in 1916, Manfred von Richthofen - "The Red Baron" - a flying ace of the German Luftstreitkräfte, wins his first aerial combat near Cambrai, France.

***

On this day in 1928, the Okeechobee hurricane strikes southeastern Florida, killing upwards of 2,500 people. It is the third deadliest natural disaster in United States history, behind the Galveston hurricane of 1900 and the 1906 San Francisco earthquake.

***

On this day in the year 1953, for the first time ever in medical history, Siamese twins are successfully separated by surgeons. Sure, they were joined at the ankle, but a first is a first!

***

On this day in 1976 the first Space Shuttle, Enterprise, is unveiled by NASA.

***

On this day in 1983, Vanessa Williams becomes the first black Miss America. It doesn't last long before scandal strikes and she loses her crown.

***

On this day in 1987, Pope John Paul II embraces an AIDS-infected boy while visiting San Francisco.

***

On this day in 1991, both Koreas - North and South - are admitted into the United Nations on a date chosen to coincide with the 19th anniversary of the Korean war-based television series M*A*S*H, which premiered on this day in 1972.

***

On this day in 2001, the New York Stock Exchange reopens for trading after the September 11 attacks, the longest closure since the Great Depression.

***

On this day in 2007, AOL, once the largest ISP in the U.S., officially announces plans to refocus the company as an advertising business and to relocate its corporate headquarters from Dulles, Virginia to New York City

***

On this day in 2011, Occupy Wall Street movement begins in Zuccotti Park, New York City, accomplishing not a whole hell of a lot.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 16

On this day in 1498, the most successful Inquisitor General in the long and sordid history of the Catholic Church - Tomas de Torquemada - passes away quietly in his sleep. His 11,500+ victims - Jews and others who were systematically burned, bludgeoned, drowned, flayed, hanged, vivisected and otherwise torn asunder - met far more unquiet fates.

***

On this day in 1620, the Mayflower starts her voyage to North America

***

On this day in 1919, the American Legion is incorporated.

***

On this day in 1920, the Wall Street bombing takes place when a bomb in a horse wagon explodes in front of the J. P. Morgan building in New York City – 38 are killed and 400 injured.

***

On this day in 1941, during World War II, concerned that Reza Pahlavi the Shah of Persia is about to ally his petroleum-rich empire with Nazi Germany, the United Kingdom and the Soviet Union invade Iran in late August and force the Shah to abdicate in favor of his son, Mohammad Reza Pahlavi. So the Anglo world has been messing with Iran since even before the Mossadegh coup!

***

On this day in 1959, the first successful photocopier, the Xerox 914, is introduced in a demonstration on live television from New York City. This is a vitally important moment in the history of samizdat and underground publishing.

***

On this day in 1982, the Sabra and Shatila massacre takes place in Lebanon.

***

On this day in the year 1983, Austrian immigrant Arnold Schwarzenthingy becomes a citizen of the United States of America. Now all we have to do is figure out a way to send him back.

***

On this day in 2001, a satellite company beaming live footage from a special Papal mass in celebration of the Feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross (phew!) fucked up big-time, crossing video from the mass with audio from a hardcore porn movie which the company was carrying on a supposedly separate channel. So while the millions of Catholics who tuned into the ceremony could see the assembled cardinals praying and waving those smoking ball-and-chain thingies in the air, all they could hear were the guttural moanings and squishy sex-sounds of copulating couples! But if you think the Catholics were confused, just imagine the poor porn dogs who tuned in to check out some flesh-flicks only to find a soundtrack of prayers and Latin chanting playing over all that filthy, sinful fucking! Talk about cognitive dissonance!

***

On this day in 2007, mercenaries working for Blackwater Worldwide allegedly shoot and kill 17 Iraqis in Nisour Square, Baghdad; all criminal charges against them are later dismissed, sparking outrage in the Arab world.