PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JULY 16

On this day in 622, the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) begins his Hijra - i.e. "schlep" - from Mecca to Medina, thus marking the beginning of the Islamic calendar.

***

On this day in 1054, three Roman legates break relations between Western and Eastern Christian Churches through the act of placing an invalidly-issued Papal bull of Excommunication on the altar of Hagia Sophia during Saturday afternoon divine liturgy. Historians frequently describe the event as the start of the East–West Schism, splitting the Roman Catholic Church and the Eastern Orthodox Christian churches.

***

On this day in 1661, the first banknotes in Europe are issued by the Swedish bank Stockholms Banco, thus beginning the era of "paper money" that is working out so well for us all. I am referring, of course, to the recent revelation that putting 250 dollars into a Chase "savings account" will net you 12 cents a year in accumulated interest while costing you 4 dollars a month in assorted bank fees.

***

On this day in 1790, the District of Columbia is established as the capital of the United States after signature of the Residence Act. After Vatican City and the City of London, it features one of the most conspiracy-spawning civil engineering layouts of any big city in the world.

***

On this day in 1935, the world's first parking meter is installed in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

***

On this day in 1945, the Atomic Age begins when the United States successfully detonates a plutonium-based test nuclear weapon near Alamogordo, New Mexico. The test site was named Trinity, after one of John Donne's Holy Sonnets, and Manhattan Project chief Robert Oppenheimer recalled a passage from the Hindu holy book, the Bhagavad-Gita: "Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." Heavy shit, and not without cause.

***

On this day in 1948, the storming of the cockpit of the Miss Macao passenger seaplane, operated by a subsidiary of the Cathay Pacific Airways, marks the first aircraft hijacking of a commercial plane in history.

***

On this day in the year 1951, a former member of the CIA’s psychiatry division unleashes on an unwitting public one of the greatest hypnotic trigger mechanisms ever created. That man is J.D. Salinger. The mechanism is his novel, The Catcher in the Rye, which was a favorite of at least three crazed "lone" gunmen: Sirhan Sirhan (who was involved in the assassination of RFK), Mark David Chapman (who assassinated John Lennon) and John Hinkley Jr (who tried to kill President Ronald Reagan on behalf of the Bush Crime Family)..

***

On this day in 1969, the Apollo 11 rocket is launched at the moon. Sitting atop this rocket is the Lunar Module. On board are three men: Buzz Aldrin, Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins. Armstrong and Aldrin will be the first human beings (that we know of) to walk on the lunar surface. Unfortunately for Collins, Commander Neil caught him trying to steal one of Buzz's Tang packets, and as punishment, was not allowed to leave the module. Collins is bitter to this very day, and vows that when he dies, his ghost will haunt the moon forever. Just kidding.

***

On this day in 1979, Iraqi President Ahmed Hassan al-Bakr resigns and is replaced by Uncle Sam's Man in Baghdad... Saddam Hussein.

***

On this day in 1994, fragments of the Shoemaker-Levy 9 comet smash spectacularly into Jupiter, poking huge holes in the giant planet's gassy atmosphere.

***

On this day in 1999, there was absolutely nothing worth being suspicious about in relation to the small airplane crash that took the lives of pilot John Kennedy Jr, his wife Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy and sister-in-law Lauren Bessette. Nope... nothing at all worth being suspicious about.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JULY 8

On this day in 1680, the first ever American to be killed by a tornado is… um… killed by a tornado. In Massachusetts no less!

***

On this day in 1872, a man by the name of John Blondel takes out a patent on the donut-cutter, thereby ushering in a bold new era of morbidly obese police officers.

***

On this day in 1889, the first issue of the Wall Street Journal is published. For a while, it was a pretty decent conservative journal, but as this ridiculous interview with cartoon-like WSJ editorial board member Dorothy Rabinowitz amply illustrates, it has long since lost the plot and gone batshit crazy.

***

On this day in 1896, presidential hopeful William Jennings Bryan gives his infamous "cross of gold" speech at the Democratic national convention. It's still an incredibly powerful piece of oratory. Read it here.

***

On this day in 1932, the Dow Jones Industrial Average reaches a Depression era low-point of… 41! Ouch.

***

On this day in 1937, the nations of Turkey, Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan sign the Treaty of Saadabad. And they all lived happily ever after.

***

On this day in the year 1990, just past twelve-thirty in the afternoon, all the numbers in the standardized Western calendar and time code fall into absolute numeric sequence… or, in poker terms, a "straight." Here's how it works: 12:34:56, 7/8/90 equals 1234567890! Pretty cool, ain't it?

***

On this day in 1996, the Israeli Institute for Advanced Strategic and Political Studies publishes a paper titled “A Clean Break: A New Strategy for Securing the Realm.” The paper, whose lead author is the notorious, slug-like neoconservative Richard Perle, is meant to urge Israel's new PM, Benjamin Netanyahu, to seek the downfall of Arab states by exploiting the inherent tensions within and among them. The first step? Remove Saddam Hussein in order to "destabilize the entire Middle East", thus allowing governments in Syria, Iran, Lebanon, and other countries to be replaced. Other suggestions include abandoning the Oslo Accords, abandoning the notion of land for peace, and reestablishing a policy of preemptive strikes. The paper also fleshes out a vision that analyst Craig Unger has called "a secularized version of the theology of the American Christian Right", demanding “the unconditional acceptance of Arabs of our rights, especially in their territorial dimension”, and pushing the boundaries even further by using the Bible as grounds for Israeli dominion over all or parts of Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Iraq, and even Saudi Arabia. This link explains how the ideas in "Clean Break" were ultimately recycled by neocon "intellectuals" at the Project for a New American Century - PNAC - in their paper "Rebuilding America's Defenses", which controversially surmised that it would take "a new Pearl Harbor" for the nation to accept their proposed reforms... not too long before the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, provided the newly empowered* neoconservative movement with exactly that.

* via the Bush Crime Family's theft of the White House in 2000

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 29

On this day in the year 1149, the Crusader army of Raymond of Antioch is defeated by the Syrian army of Nur ad-Din at the Battle of Inab. After the battle, Raymond was beheaded by Shirkuh, uncle of the legendary Saladin, who then placed Raymond’s head in a silver box and sent it to the Caliph of Baghdad as a gift. 

***

On this day in 1520, after attempting and failing to get his people to stop fighting back against Cortez and his Conquistadors, Moctezuma II, ruler of the Aztecs, is either stoned to death by his disgusted subjects or murdered by Cortez over his crappy negotiating skills. The truth is lost to history.

***

On this day in 1864, a train passing through Mont St. Hilaire in the province of Quebec fails to acknowledge a stop signal and falls through an open swing bridge, plunging into the Richelieu River and killing 99 mostly German and Polish immigrants. It remains Canada’s worst rail disaster on record.

***

On this day in 1881, Sudanese religious leader Muhammad Ahmad declares himself to be the Mahdi, the Messiah of Islamic prophecy, destined to rule for seven years during which time he would redeem the Islamic faith and rid the world of evil in preparation for the Day of Judgment. Unfortunately, he died a mere four years later.

***

On this day in 1940, the USA passes the Smith Act, also known as the Alien Registration Act. This act set criminal penalties for “advocating the overthrow of the government.” Just over two hundred people were indicted under this legislation – mostly communists and a few fascists – until a number of Supreme Court decisions reversed many of the convictions. The statute is still technically on the books. 

***

This day in 1946 was known as the “Black Shabbat” in Israel – then still known as Palestine – when British soldiers and police execute Operation Agatha, arresting 2700 members of such extremist Jewish groups as Haganah, Palmach, the Stern Gang and Irgun. While many of the targeted groups get the message and settle down, Irgun retaliates by bombing the King David Hotel. With a death toll of 91 victims, it remains, to this day, Israel’s worst terrorist bombing.

***

On this day in 1967, actress Jayne Mansfield is killed in a horrific automobile wreck. Also killed in the crash is Mansfield’s abusive boyfriend/manager Sam Brody, who had recently been “cursed” by Church of Satan honcho Anton LaVey. Mansfield, who was an enthusiastic supporter of LaVey’s Church, was apparently just collateral damage.

***

On this day in 1978, actor Bob Crane of Hogan’s Heroes fame is found bludgeoned to death in his apartment in Scottsdale, Arizona. In the years leading up to his death, Crane had begun videotaping his sexual escapades with the help of a Sony sales executive. In an ironic twist, police believe Crane was bludgeoned to death with a video camera tripod. His murder remains unsolved.

***

On this day in 1995, the Sampoong Department Store collapses in Seoul, South Korea, killing 501 and injuring a thousand more.

***

On this day in 2002, naval clashes between South Korea and North Korea lead to the death of six South Korean sailors and sinking of a North Korean vessel. Meanwhile, in the United States, Vice President Dick Cheney becomes “acting President” for two and a half hours while George W. Bush undergoes a colonoscopy.

***

On this day in 2007, Apple enters the mobile phone market with their hugely popular iPhone line of products. 

***

On this day in 2008, Thomas Beatie, the world's first pregnant man, gives birth to a daughter.

***

On this day in 2009, financier and former NasDaq chairman Bernard Madoff receives a 150-year sentence – the maximum possible penalty – for his multibillion-dollar fraud scheme. In a recent letter to his daughter, Madoff bragged that he was being treated “like a Mafia Don” by both his fellow inmates and the staff at FCI Butner Medium Security Facility where he is serving out his sentence, regardless of the fact that he died in 2021.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 7

On this day in 1099, the Siege of Jerusalem begins during the First Crusade.

***

On this day in 1892, “colored” passenger Homer Plessy is arrested for refusing to leave his seat in the "whites-only" car of a train. He would lose the resulting court case, Plessy v. Ferguson.

***

On this day in 1893, the Mahatma, Mohandas Gandhi, begins his first act of civil disobedience. I think it involves collecting salt or some such thing.

***

On this day in 1929, with the ratification of the Lateran Treaty, the Vatican becomes its own independent nation.

***

On this day in 1955, President Dwight Eisenhower becomes the first President ever to appear on color television.

***

On this day in the year 1965, Sony introduces the first video cassette recorder - the peer-to-peer file-swapping scandal of its day - priced at a whopping $995. Sales are almost non-existent until the late 70's, when millions of North American men suddenly realize that this miraculous new device allows them to masturbate while watching complete strangers fuck, all in the comfort of their own living room! Technology… HUZZAH!!!

***

In a decision that has a direct influence on yer old pal Jerky’s ability to report on the item directly above this one, the United States Supreme Court overturns the conviction of Paul Cohen for disturbing the peace, setting the precedent that vulgar writing is protected under the First Amendment… thank Fuck!

***

On this day in 1981, the Israeli Air Force destroys Iraq's Osiraq nuclear reactor during Operation Opera. For those of you still wondering why Saddam Hussein shot SCUD missiles towards Israel during the first Gulf War, wonder no more.

***

On this day in 1982, Priscilla Presley opens Graceland to the public. Sadly, the bathroom where Elvis died five years earlier is kept off-limits.

***

On this day in 1998, a mentally retarded man named James Byrd, Jr. is killed when white supremacists drag him behind a pickup truck along an asphalt road until he comes apart at the seams.

***

On this day in 2006, an alleged Al Qaeda leader in Iraq named Abu Musab al-Zarqawi – they say he was directly responsible for beheading American hostages Nick Berg and Eugene Armstrong – is himself killed in an air-strike... although there are certain discrepancies and doubts.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 3

On this day in 1943, U.S. Navy sailors and Marines clash with Latino youths In Los Angeles, California, in a confrontation that the news media of the day would soon christen the Zoot Suit Riots.

***

After being arrested on suspicion of having broken into a Florida poolroom, Charles Gideon was put on trial and immediately found guilty, thanks mostly to the fact that he couldn't afford a lawyer. In Florida at the time, that meant he had to defend himself. It also pretty much guaranteed that he was jail-bound. Afterwards, while in jail, Gideon made multiple appeals on the grounds that he had a constitutional right to be represented in court by a professional lawyer. Eventually, his case made its way to the Supreme Court, which declared: "a fair trial cannot be realized if the poor man charged with the crime has to face his accusers without a lawyer to assist him." And that's how, on this day in 1960, the ceaseless whining of one petty criminal permanently changed the way the USA’s legal system works... for the better! A rare thing, indeed.

***

On this day in 1968, a notoriously unstable radical feminist by the name of Valerie Solanas tries to assassinate leading New York “scene” artist Andy Warhol, shooting him three times at near point-blank range. Warhol survived the attack, but sales of Solanas’ SCUM Manifesto went through the roof. “SCUM” is an acronym for “Society for Cutting Up Men”, and most editions feature an image of a box-cutter on the cover. Nice.

***

On this day in 1989, armed troops kill hundreds of pro-democracy student demonstrators in the streets of Beijing. Within months, President George Herbert Walker “Poppy” Bush grants China "most-favored nation" trading status. Understanding the Bush Crime Family’s long-standing entanglements in the region helps explain why he did so.

***

Also on this day in 1989, Iran's Ayatollah Ruhullah Khomeini -- the intellectual father and popular/populist spearhead of Iran's fascinatingly paradoxical Islamic Revolution in 1979 -- dies of internal bleeding at the age of 86.

***

On this day in 2011, after spending over 8 years behind bars for helping a terminally ill man end his life on camera for an episode of 60 Minutes, doctor, author and death-with-dignity activist Jack Kevorkian passes away due to kidney failure at the age of 83.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 22

On this day in 1176, a group of hired killers from Rashideddin Sinan's "Masyaf" branch of the Ismaili Hashshashin sect - also known as the Assassins - make their second attempt to murder Saladin, a world-historic figure who founded the Ayyubid dynasty, ruling Egypt, Syria and beyond. They come close, but fail.

***

On this day in 1844, the Báb announces to the world the coming of "He whom God shall make manifest", thus founding the religion of Bábism, a new religious movement that represented a break with traditional Islam, and which was brutally suppressed in Persia. However, since he is considered the forerunner of Bahá'u'lláh, the founder of the Bahá'í Faith, and seeing as Baha'i still revere the teachings of the Báb, it wasn't a total waste of time.

***

On this day in 1856, South Carolina Congressman Preston Brooks sneaks up on, then beats the high holy hell out of Massachusetts Senator Charles Sumner with a wooden cane because the latter insulted the former's state - as well as his uncle's "honor" - in an anti-slavery speech. It was the first act of physical violence to take place in the Congress, and is considered an important precursor to the Civil War.

***

On this day in 1906, the Wright brothers are granted U.S. patent number 821,393 for their "Flying-Machine."

***

On this day in 1954, Robert Zimmerman - that’s Bob Dylan to you, me, and Jesus - officially becomes a man when he’s Bar Mitzvahed! Mazeltov!

***

On this day in 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson announces social reforms to bring an "end to poverty and racial injustice in America", calling it the Great Society. Today, the only thing that remains of these reforms is the neoconservative reaction to them.

***

On this day in 1968, the Skipjack-class nuclear-powered submarine the USS Scorpion sinks with 99 men aboard 400 miles southwest of the Azores. The Navy still isn't sure what happened.

***

On this day in 2002, the remains of Chandra Levy, an intern at the Federal Bureau of Prisons, are found in Rock Creek Park in Washington, D.C. She'd been banging Congressman Gary Condit (D-California) at the time of her disappearance in early 2001, and for a while he was a suspect... in the media, if not officially. Eventually, the September 11 terrorist attacks knocked Levy off the front page and police pinned the murder on illegal Salvadoran immigrant Ingmar Guandique. Case closed.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 16

On this day in 1918, the United States Congress passes the Sedition Act, which extended the Espionage Act of 1917 to cover a broader range of offenses, notably speech and the expression of opinion that cast the government or the war effort in a negative light, or interfered with the sale of government bonds. Basically, these laws made criticism of the American government an offense punishable by hefty fines and/or incarceration. The Espionage Act (an umbrella law that covered the later Sedition Act) was repealed by Congress in December of 1920. Democrat Woodrow Wilson was President during both enactment and repeal.

***

On this day in 1943, after 28 days of bloody fighting, armed resistance by Jews in the Warsaw ghetto comes to an end as Nazi soldiers overwhelm the area.

***

On this day in 1988, a report issued by United States' Surgeon General C. Everett Koop states that the addictive properties of nicotine are similar to those of heroin and cocaine. To be perfectly honest... he's very wrong about that.

***

On this day in 1991, Queen Elizabeth II becomes the first British monarch to ever address the United States Congress. She spends most of the speech congratulating President George Herbert "Poppy" Walker Bush on his magnificent handling of the Gulf War in Iraq.

***

On this day in 2005, Newsweek magazine retracts a story in which it was claimed that investigators had found evidence the Quran was desecrated by interrogators at the U.S. naval prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The story had sparked deadly protests in Afghanistan and elsewhere. Of course, despite the retraction, it's clear that the desecration did take place - that, and far, far worse - and that Newsweek cracked under pressure by The Powers That Be.

ON THIS DAY IN PARA-CULTURE, JUNE 4

On this day in 1760, British Loyalists from New England arrive in Nova Scotia, claiming the land as their own, despite the fact that said land had already been occupied by the French-speaking Acadians for over two hundred years. Yeah, my ancestors also got screwed by the British. A lot of that going around, it seems.

On this day in 1783, France's Montgolfier brothers launch the first-ever hot-air balloon.


On this day in 1913, suffragette Emily Davison runs out in front of King George V's horse at the Epsom Derby and is promptly trampled. She never regains consciousness and dies a few days later. Six years later to the day, the U.S. Congress approves the 19th Amendment to the American Constitution, guaranteeing suffrage (i.e., the vote) to American women.

On this day in 1939, the MS St. Louis, a ship carrying 963 Jewish refugees, is denied permission to land in Florida, after already being turned away from Cuba. Forced to return to Europe, more than 200 of its passengers would later die in Nazi concentration camps.


On this day in 1984, American singer/songwriter Bruce Springsteen releases the most mis-understood song in the history of rock: Born in the USA.

On this day in 1986, spy Jonathan Pollard pleads guilty to espionage for selling top secret United States military intelligence to Israel. He is currently serving a life sentence. Check out his Wikipedia page for a hilarious account of the Israeli reaction to Pollard's treatment. Un-fucking-believable.

On this day in 1989, the Ayatalloh Ruhullah Khomeini of Iran dies of internal bleeding at the age of 86. That same day, Iran's Assembly of Experts choose Ali Khamenei to be the new Supreme Leader of Islamic republic of Iran.

On this day in 1998, Tim McVeigh's bomb-buddy Terry Nichols is sentenced to 161 consecutive life sentences for his role in the Oklahoma City bombing that claimed 168 lives (including 19 children). He is currently serving his time in ADX SuperMax in Florence, Colorado, on "Bomber's Row" with Ted "Unabomber" Kaczynski and Ramzi "Bojinka" Yousef.