PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JULY 11

On this day in 1804, after decades of getting up each other's asses and for reasons far too complicated to get into here, Founding Father Alexander Hamilton and then-Vice-President Aaron Burr meet at the Weehawken, New Jersey dueling grounds at the crack of dawn to settle their differences at the end of a pair of pistols. What happened next depends entirely upon which eye-witness you choose to believe. Either Hamilton, in a poorly-timed attempt to prove himself a gentleman, fired into the air only to be shot square in the gut by Burr immediately afterwards, or else he simply took his shot and missed, leaving Burr to offer up a more accurate and deadly rebuttal. Whichever scenario is closest to the truth, the end results remain the same: Alexander Hamilton - the genius confidante of George Washington, the man who designed America's economic framework - was dead, and Aaron Burr's reputation as a vicious, villainous brute was firmly established. Now persona non grata, Burr and some foreign belligerents began formulating a plan to conquer Mexico - which, at the time, covered much of the South and Southwest - in order to set up a separate, independent, competing state. After being acquitted of treason, Burr kicked around Europe for a while, leaving a trail of angry creditors wherever he went. He eventually returned to the United States and lived long enough to witness the Texas Revolution, about which he mused: "What was treason in me thirty years ago, is patriotism now." Then he died.

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On this day in 1889, the Mexican city of Tijuana is born. Three days later, the place is declared a poverty-stricken tourist trap with an unwholesome fixation on the donkey, Mexico's national beast of burden.

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On this day in 1895, the Lumière brothers demonstrate film technology to scientists.

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On this day in 1921, Mongolia gains its independence from China. Considering the serious developmental difficulties that come with that extra chromosome of theirs, you have to admit that's pretty impressive. 

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On this day in 1921, former U.S. President William Howard Taft is sworn in as 10th Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court, becoming the only person to ever be both President and Chief Justice.

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On this day in 1955, Congress authorizes all American currency to be printed with the motto: "In God We Trust." Unfortunately, they left off the funnier half: "All others pay cash." But seriously, it behooves us to recall that these four words were added to American money - along with the words "Under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance - at the behest of the Roman Catholic Knights of Columbus fraternal order. Not in 1776. Not in 1855. Not even in 1900... but in 1955. Ten years after the end of World War II. The year President Eisenhower sent the first American troops to Vietnam. The year of the first McDonald's restaurant, and Bill Haley's Rock Around the Clock. In other words, it was a knee-jerk addition based on a passing fad, and the time has come to drop it. Amen.

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On this day in 1979, the space station Skylab returns to Earth… the hard way. 

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The government of the United States awards the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. the Presidential Medal of Freedom on this day in 1977, roughly nine years after awarding him the Troublemaker's Bullet of Shut-the-Fuck-Up in Memphis, Tennessee. And that's a fact, Jack.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 9

On this day in 53 AD, Roman Emperor Nero marries Claudia Octavia. Fifteen years later to the day, Nero commits suicide, thus ending the Julio-Claudian Dynasty and starting the civil year known as the Year of the Four Emperors.

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The first legal corporation in the Americas is established on this day in 1650 when the Harvard Corporation establishes its charter.

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On this day in 1946, Thailand’s King Bhumibol Adulyadej ascends to the throne, where he still sits to this day, having survived military juntas and coups and revolutions and more. He is currently the world's longest reigning monarch, with one of the most loyal group of subjects any reigning monarch could ever want to have... a fact which yer old pal Jerky found out the hard way a number of years ago...

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On this day in 1954, US Army special counsel Joseph Welch famously rebukes Red Scare-mongering Senator Joseph McCarthy during the Army-McCarthy hearings on whether Communism has infiltrated the American military. Welch’s impassioned defense of a young subordinate whom McCarthy had smeared on live TV resonated across the nation: “Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?” It was the beginning of the end for the vile thug Joe McCarthy.

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On this day in the year 1978, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, known to you and I as the Cult of Mormon, strikes down its long-standing policy of excluding black men from the priesthood, probably because they're running out of stupid white people to con into believing their sham mythology.

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On this day in 1980, legendary comedian Richard Pryor accidentally sets himself on fire while freebasing cocaine. Badly burned over 80% of his body, it was a tragic irony that during his months-long hospital stay, Pryor added a variety of pain-killers and powerful laxatives to the already lengthy list of substances to which he was addicted.

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On this day in 2001, FBI agent Robert Wright gives the FBI a mission statement he wrote that outlines his complaints against his agency. It reads, in part, “Knowing what I know, I can confidently say that until the investigative responsibilities for terrorism are removed from the FBI, I will not feel safe. The FBI has proven for the past decade it cannot identify and prevent acts of terrorism against the United States and its citizens at home and abroad. Even worse, there is virtually no effort on the part of the FBI’s International Terrorism Unit to neutralize known and suspected terrorists residing within the United States. Unfortunately, more terrorist attacks against American interests, coupled with the loss of American lives, will have to occur before those in power give this matter the urgent attention it deserves.” Three months later, almost to the day, the terrorist attacks of September 11 would take place.

ON THIS DAY IN PARA-CULTURE, JUNE 5

On this day in 8239 BC, the Universe is imagined into existence by two void-dwelling Gods, according to the Mayan "long-count" calendar. FYI, this same calendar lists December 21st, 2012 AD as the day that the Universe will come to an end... So smoke'em if ya got'em!

On this day in 1956, new-fangled rock-and-roller Elvis Presley creates a nationwide panic when he goes on The Milton Berle Show and performs a swivel-hipped rendition of his cover tune classic, Houndog. Later that night, pretty much anywhere within a five mile radius of a television set, if you went outside and breathed in deep, you could smell the faint aroma of sopping wet panties hanging in the air.

On this day, in 1968, at 12:16 am Pacific Standard Time, Sirhan Sirhan shoots Bobby Kennedy (or not), who dies the next day. JFK, RFK, MLK, John Lennon... Hey! How come these whack-job lone gunmen only succeed when they go after liberals? God must be a conservative, I guess.

On this day in 1933, U.S. Congress abrogates the gold standard by enacting a joint resolution (48 Stat. 112) nullifying the right of creditors to demand payment in gold. This is one of those historical "wrong turns" Ron Paul is always harping on about.

On this day in 1963, British Secretary of State for War John Profumo resigns after it comes to light that he's been shagging sexy, commie-connected call girl Christine Keeler. The scandal is popularly known as the Profumo Affair. Why it isn't called the Keeler Kerfuffle, I have no idea.

On this day in 1967, the Six-Day War begins when the Israeli air force launches (ahem) simultaneous pre-emptive attacks on the air forces of Egypt and Syria.

On this day in 1977, the Apple II, one of the first personal computers, goes on sale. So... have you ever wondered what that "apple with a bite out of it" logo means? Or why the first Apple computer sold for $666? So have these guys.

On this day in 1981, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that five people in Los Angeles, California have a rare form of pneumonia seen only in patients with weakened immune systems, in what turns out to be the first recognized cases of AIDS.

On this day in 1989, a single man halts the progress of a column of advancing tanks for over half an hour during the Tiananmen Square massacre. You gotta hand it to him. He was one ballsy fucker, and that's for damn sure.

On this day in 2004, after nearly 16 years out of office and out of the public eye, President Ronald Reagan dies at 93 years old. He is the oldest serving and the longest-living of all American Presidents. The heavily stage-managed media spectacle that followed Reagan's passing was, simply put, astonishing in its mercenary zeal. I wrote some good editorials about it, back in the day. If anybody asks, I'll email them. Also, don't worry... I hope to get some new quality writing done soon, so I can stop reveling in my former glories.