PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 28

On this day in 1820, brave colonel Robert Gibbon Johnson disproved the myth that tomatoes are poisonous by eating a crate of them on the courthouse steps in Salem, New Jersey. Today, the typical American consumes about 80 pounds of tomatoes per year (true fact!) most of it in "sauce" or "salsa" form.

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On this day in the year 1914, Austria's Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife, Sophia, are gunned down by a Serbian nationalist lunatic in the middle of a busy street in Sarajevo, thereby starting a little scrap the old-timers used to call World War One. That war would last five years to the DAY, ending with the Treaty of Versailles, which was signed in Paris on this day in 1919.

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On this day in 1964, Malcolm X forms the Organization of Afro-American Unity.

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On this day in 1969, the Stonewall Riots begin in New York City marking the start of the Gay Rights Movement.

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On this day in 1994, members of the Aum Shinrikyo cult release sarin gas in Matsumoto, Japan. Seven people are killed and 660 injured. The cult still exists, and it is now known as Aleph.

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On this day in 1975, at the Western Open, golfer Lee Trevino is hit by a bolt of lightning. I don't have a joke to go with this factoid, I just enjoy thinking about golfers getting hit by lightning. PEE-OW! Man, that must sting!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 27

On this day in 1844, Mormon founder Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum are lynched (shot) by an angry mob outside a Carthage, Illinois jailhouse. To this day, some believe that a man who tried to decapitate the cult leader's corpse with a knife was prevented from doing so by a lightning bolt, but yer old pal Jerky suspects that story is bullshit.

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On this day in 1971, after only three years in business, rock promoter Bill Graham closes the Fillmore East in New York, New York, the "Church of Rock and Roll", but no before Frank Zappa and the Mothers record Fillmore East '71 there! Iridescent Naugahyde, baby!

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On this day in 1954, the CIA - using money, propaganda, weapons and personnel - overthrows the democratically elected government of Guatemala, installing some of the most profoundly evil fuckers in the hemisphere in their stead. The Powers That Be consider this a great moral victory.

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On this day in 1990, author Salman Rushdie - condemned to death by Iran's Ayatollah Khomeni for penning the "blasphemous" novel, The Satanic Verses - contributes $8600 to help earthquake victims in Iran. Unfortunately for Salman, Iran's leaders saw through his little good-will ploy and refused to revoke the fatwah.

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On this day in 1995, stammering sex symbol Hugh Grant and street-walking cocksucker Divine Brown are arrested by the LAPD for expressing their love for each other in the front seat of Grant's white BMW.

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On this day in 2001, people start saying some very disturbing things about quasi-autistic, sexually ambiguous "comedienne" Paula Poundstone when she's arrested for "lewd conduct with a minor". The media kept discussing it until the terrorist attacks of 9/11, after which they stop. Soon thereafter, she pleads guilty to a lesser charge, and the details of her indictment are never disclosed to the public.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 26

On this day in the year 1945, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Prime Minister Winston Churchill's plot to replace the doomed League of Nations with a new international organization to force their pinko-liberal agenda on ostensibly free nations in the postwar world came one step closer to reality when representatives from fifty nations gathered in the Herbst Theater auditorium in San Francisco (figures!) to sign the United Nations charter. The charter called for the U.N. to enforce international treaties, promote vile socialist programs, destroy national sovereignty by establishing international law, promote the dubious and sinister notion of so-called "human rights," and terrify many fine, upstanding Americans by building secret concentration camps right under our noses and flying black helicopters over empty fields throughout the Homeland's Heartland. Despite this endless parade of crimes against freedom and the Lord God Jesus, since 1945, the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to the United Nations, its organizations and officials a grand total of ten times, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that this shadowy cabal of egg-head Swedes are totally in cahoots with these fascistic, would-be international overlords.

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On this day in 1948, things were looking bleak in post-war Europe. The Soviet Union, upset over having been cut out of the decision-making process regarding Germany's economic future, had recently taken the rather bold, bullying move of imposing a military blockade, choking off all roads and rail-lines leading into the city of West Berlin, which was located entirely within the Soviet-controlled, East German zone of occupation. Figuring it would be bad form to spark World War III so soon after the end of World War II, President Harry Truman put the kaibosh on his Joint Cheifs of Staff, who recommended military retaliation. He opted instead to institute a massive airlift effort, flying in food, supplies and -- we can be pretty sure about this -- decks of cards with nekkid ladies on 'em to the city besieged. It was a public relations master-stroke that pretty much glued a black hat on the USSR, as far as Cold War role-playing game was concerned.

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On this day in 1974, the Universal Product Code (UPC) stripey-bar thingy is scanned for the first time to sell a package of Wrigley's chewing gum at the Marsh Supermarket in Troy, Ohio. Next up? RFIDs!

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On this day in 1975, two FBI agents and a member of the American Indian Movement (AIM) are killed in a shootout on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota. Leonard Peltier is later convicted of the murders in a controversial trial.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 25

On this day in 253, Pope Cornelius is beheaded – some say “martyred” – during the anti-Christian persecutions promoted by Emperor Decius near Rome, Italy.

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On this day in 1798, the then-Federalist USG passes the first part of the so-called Alien and Sedition Acts. Read this article to see how many disturbing modern-day parallels you can spot.

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On this day in 1876, Lieutenant Colonel George Armstrong Custer makes his legendary “Last Stand” during the Great Sioux War of 1876/77. He’s killed by forces led by Crazy Horse at the quasi-legendary Battle of the Little Bighorn, near Greasy Grass Creek in the Eastern Montana Territory.

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On this day in 1910, the United States Congress passes the Mann Act, which prohibits interstate transport of females for “immoral purposes”. The ambiguous language would be used to selectively prosecute people for years to come.

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On this day in 1947, the Diary of a Young Girl – better known as The Diary of Anne Frank – is first published.

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On this day in 1978, the rainbow flag representing Gay Pride is flown for the first time in the San Francisco Gay Freedom Day Parade.

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On this day in 1996, the Khobar Towers bombing in Saudi Arabia kills 19 U.S. servicemen.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 24

On this day in 1374, a sudden outbreak of St. John's Dance causes people in the streets of Aachen, Germany, to experience hallucinations and begin to jump and twitch uncontrollably until they collapse from exhaustion.

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On this day in 1497, English explorer John Cabot lands in North America at Newfoundland, leading the first European exploration of the region since the Vikings.

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On this day in 1604, French explorer Samuel de Champlain discovers the mouth of the Saint John River, site of Reversing Falls and the present day city of Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada.

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On this day in 1717, the Premier Grand Lodge of England, the first Masonic Grand Lodge in the world (now known as the United Grand Lodge of England), is founded in London, England. Is there no mercy for the widow's son?

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On this day in 1880, the first ever performance of O Canada, the song that would become the national anthem of Canada, at the Congrès national des Canadiens-Français.

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On this day in 1916, Canadian cutie Mary Pickford becomes the first female film star to sign a million dollar contract.

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On this day in 1947, the first widely reported UFO sighting is reported by Kenneth Arnold near Mount Rainier, Washington. Read all about it, in his own words.

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On this day in the year 1963, the first ever videotape recorder is demonstrated before a rapt audience at BBC Studios in London... and thus, the first, tentative steps in the Great Pornpgraphy Revolution are taken.

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On this day in 1997, at a United Nations Earth Summit, the leaders of various island nations describe an apocalyptic scenario of flooded islands and submerged cities unless swift action is taken to curb Global Warming. Good thing we got right on that!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 23

On this day in 1611, the mutinous crew of Henry Hudson's fourth voyage sets Henry, his son and seven loyal crewmembers adrift in an open boat in what is now Hudson Bay, one of the harshest, most unforgiving bodies of water on the planet. They are never heard from again, obviously.

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On this day in 1713, French-speaking residents of Acadia are given one year to declare allegiance to the British Crown, or be forced to leave their homeland. Most refuse, and are forcibly deported.

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On this day in 1810, Illuminati bloodline family head John Jacob Astor forms the Pacific Fur Company. Evil ensues.

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On this day in 1960, the US FDA declares Enovid to be the first officially approved combined oral contraceptive pill in the world, taking yet another step in the engineering of human population levels.

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On this day in 1961, the Antarctic Treaty comes into force. It sets aside the Antarctic as a scientific preserve and bans military activity on the continent. Of course, this is only because the world elites want to hide a) the Mountains of Madness, b) the hole to the Hollow Earth, c) a secret alien base, d) the remains of a pre-catastrophic Atlantis, or e) all of the above.

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On this day in 1970, one-hit-wonder Chubby Checker is arrested for possession of marijuana. Twisting ensues.

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On this day in 1972, President Richard Nixon and White House Chief of Staff H.R. Haldeman are taped talking about using the CIA to obstruct the FBI’s investigation into the Watergate break-ins.

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On this day in 1985, a terrorist bomb aboard Air India flight 182 brings the Boeing 747 down off the coast of Ireland, killing all 329 aboard, including 268 Canadians, 27 British citizens and 24 Indians. It was the largest mass murder in Canadian history and the deadliest aviation disaster to ever occur over a body of water. Canadian law enforcement determined that the main suspects in the bombing were members of the Sikh militant group Babbar Khalsa and other related groups based in Canada. Though a handful of members were arrested and tried, Inderjit Singh Reyat, a Canadian resident, was the only person convicted of involvement in the bombing. He was sentenced to 15 years in prison for building the bombs.

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On this day in 1993, Lorena Gallo Bobbitt slices off the top of hubby John Wayne's cock and tosses it into an empty field. Late-night talk show hosts are only now allowing us to forget this sordid bit of sorry trivia.

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On this day in 2001, a Senior Executive Intelligence Brief with the title Bin Laden Attacks May Be Imminent is sent to top White House officials. This means President George W. Bush received the warning during the previous day’s President Daily Briefing. Also on this day a CIA cable is distributed with the title, Possible Threat of Imminent Attack from Sunni Extremists. The cable warns that there is a high probability of near-term “spectacular” terrorist attacks resulting in numerous casualties. 

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On this day in 2006, the Miami Seven are arrested in connection with an alleged Sears Tower Plot. Check out this classic Daily Dirt article - THE MIAMI SEVEN : TERROR CELL OR WU-TARD CLAN? - to find out more about this ridiculous "gimme" for the US DOJ.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 22

On this day in 1633, the Roman Catholic Church forces Galileo Galilei to disavow his theory that the Earth orbits around the Sun, rather than vice-versa. Three hundred and sixty years later, in 1992, the Vatican admits it made a mistake, and that Galileo was right. Which leads yer old pal Jerky to wonder... how long do you think it will be before they finally admit to making up all that GOD crap in order to keep the rabble in line?

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On this day in 1783, a poisonous cloud created by the eruption of the Laki volcanic fissure system in Iceland reaches the French mainland. All told, six million people around the world would die due to Laki’s multiple eruptions over a two year period, making it the deadliest volcanic event in history.

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On this day in 1813, after learning of American plans for a surprise attack on Beaver Dams in Ontario, Canada, a plucky gal by the name of Laura Secord sets out on a 30 kilometer journey on foot to warn Lieutenant James FitzGibbon. Chocolate ensues.

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On this day in the year 1847, Captain Hanson Gregory took the top of a round tin pepper box and pressed it down into one of his mother's uncooked miniature fried cakes, creating the world's first doughnut! Today, doughnuts are considered a separate food group in Canada, and they make up roughly 35% of the average police officer's diet.

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On this day in 1941, in one of the worst missteps of World War II, Hitler’s Germany invades the Soviet Union in Operation Barbarossa. Needless to say, things do NOT go Hitler’s way.

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On this day in 1954, in Christchurch, New Zealand, Pauline Parker and Juliet Hulme murder Pauline's mother by caving in her skull with a rock. This they do because they believe dear old mum is interfering in their “close” friendship. In 1994, Peter Jackson made a movie about it - Heavenly Creatures – which also introduced Kate Winslet to the world.

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On this day in 1956, playwright Arthur Miller defies the House Committee on Un-American Activities by refusing to "name names," as they used to call it.

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On this day in 1969, the incredibly polluted Cuyahoga River catches fire – yep, you read right, a RIVER caught fire – in northeast Ohio. It is one of those watershed moments (no pun intended) that called attention to ecological concerns and led to an increase in environmental awareness the world over.

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On this day in 1978, American astronomer James W. Christy discovers Charon, a satellite of the dwarf planet Pluto. Creepy name for a creepy moon!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 21

On this day in 1948, Columbia Records introduces the long-playing record album (LP) in a public demonstration at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in New York, New York, thus ushering in the era of the deleriously pompous excesses of Progressive Rock and "concept albums".

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On this day in the year 1964, three civil rights workers - Michael Schwerner, Andrew Goodman and James Chaney - disappear while driving back to New York in the middle of the night. 44 days later, their dead bodies are discovered in an earthen dam where their Klan-affiliated murderers, including some members of the local constabulary, had buried them. What did these three men do to deserve such a fate? They were getting black folks to register for the vote in Mississippi.

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On this day in 1969, homosexual icon Judy Garland dies in London at the age of 47, in a freak avalanche. Seems she was singing in the shower when she hit a high note that triggered a chain reaction, sending all the pills in her medicine cabinet plunging into the bathroom, crushing her.

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On this day in 1982, would-be Reagan assassin John Hinckley Jr is found not guilty by reason of insanity. The fact that he’s the son of one of the people who financed George Herbert Walker “Poppy” Bush’s bid for the Republican nomination just a few years earlier - a bid he lost to Reagan - probably helped him out a bit, don't you think? Seriously folks, read the information contained at the given link. You'll be amazed, if you aren't already aware of these facts.

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On this day in 2004, Paul Allen and Burt Rutan’s SpaceShipOne becomes the first privately funded spaceplane to achieve spaceflight. Spacewow, that’s, like, totally spaceawesome!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 20

On this day in 1782, the US Congress adopts the Great Seal of the United States, using a design that is fairly dripping with occult significance. Read all about it.

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On this day in 1793, inventor Eli Whitney applies for a patent on his cotton gin, but regulators prove reluctant when they find out you can't drink it. Not without getting cottonmouth, anyway.

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On this day in 1837, Queen Victoria succeeds to the British throne, thus kicking off the Victorian Era.

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On this day in 1840, inventor Samuel Morse receives the patent for his telegraph machine. Therefore, Di-di-di-dit Di-dah Di-dah-dah-dit Di-dah-dah-dit Dah-di-dah-dah, Dah-di-di-dit Di-dit Di-dah-dit Dah Di-di-di-dit Dah-di-dit Di-dah Dah-di-dah-dah Dah-di-dah-di-dah-dah!

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On this day in 1945, the United States Secretary of State approves the transfer of great big Nazi Wernher von Braun and his team of great big Nazi rocket scientists to America, where they all lived happily ever after.

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On this day in 1963, leaders from the United States and the Soviet Union agree to set up a telephone "Hot Line" to guarantee instant communication at all times, in case of a nuclear emergency. Less than one year later, Stanley Kubrick would have a fictional President Merkin Muffley hilariously inform a drunken Premiere Kissoff that one of his generals… "well, he went a little funny… funny in the head. And he did a silly thing." The film is Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, and the President was played by the legendary Peter Sellers, in the absolute funniest one-sided telephone conversation ever caught on film. If you haven't seen this movie yet, what are you waiting for? You think art isn't important? Now more than ever, folks… now more than ever.

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On this day in 1972, an 18½-minute gap appears in the tape recording of the conversations between U.S. President Richard Nixon and his advisers regarding the recent arrests of his operatives while breaking into the Watergate complex.

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On this day in 2003, the WikiMedia Foundation is founded in St. Petersburg, Florida. Its most popular website, Wikipedia, always ranks in the Top Ten most visited websites worldwide, and has become a legitimate source of information.

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On this day in 2009, during protests of the Iranian election, a lady named Neda Agha-Soltan is shot and killed by a pro-government Basij militia member. Her death was captured on video and it spread virally on the Internet, making it one of the most widely witnessed deaths in all of human history. The Iranian government's behavior in the wake of Neda's death is perhaps the best evidence the world has that said nation is run by some of the nastiest assholes around.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 19

Happy JUNETEENTH, everybody! On this day in 1862, US Congress prohibits slavery in United States, nullifying Dred Scott v. Sandford. News of the Emancipation Proclamation only reached slaves in Galveston, Texas, three years later to the day, on this day in 1865. The anniversary of this day is still officially celebrated in Texas and 13 other states as Juneteenth!

"No man can put a chain around the ankle of his fellow man without at last finding the other end fastened about his own neck." - Frederick Douglass

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On this day in the year 240 BC, some old Greek dude by the name of Eratosthenes correctly estimates the circumference of the Earth to within a few dozen miles. Pretty impressive!

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On this day in 1934, the Communications Act establishes the Federal Communications Commission, still widely reviled as the FCC. Above you will find a little ditty from Monty Python’s Eric Idle that expresses many people’s feelings towards that particular institution…

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On this day in 1953, husband and wife communist spy team Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are both executed at Sing Sing prison, in New York, for giving the Soviets technical information about how to make a nuclear bomb that accelerated their efforts in that regard by roughly one full year, according to one Congressional study.

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On this day in 1954, the Taz the Tasmanian Devil makes his debut in the Warner Bros. cartoon: Devil May Hare! Today, millions of steroid-shooting, raisin-ball’d goons have adopted the whirling freak as an avatar of sorts, stamping his likeness on everything from muscle-shirts to vehicle mud-flaps. Anyone whose favorite Warner Bros. cartoon character is "Taz" is a person that you should try to avoid.

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The first ever Garfield comic strip is published on this day in 1971. It still holds the Guinness World Record for the world's most widely syndicated comic strip. 

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On this day in 1982, the body of God's Banker, Roberto Calvi is found hanging beneath Blackfriars Bridge in London. The story of his downfall involves the Mafia, the Vatican, the CIA and the Freemasons. Folks, things simply do NOT get any more conspiratorial than this story.

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On this day in 1991, the USSR ends its occupation of Hungary. Some really top-notch pornography ensues.

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On this day in 1981, the heaviest known orange in the history of the world – weighing in at an impressive five pounds – is exhibited in Nelspruit, South Africa. Meanwhile, on that same day in India, the APPLE communications satellite is launched into orbit. Apples and oranges! A coincidence? Yeah, right…

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 18

On this day in 1178, five Canterbury monks see what is possibly the Giordano Bruno crater being formed when they spot a huge explosion taking place on the surface of the Moon. Here's how they described what they saw:

“From the midpoint of the division a flaming torch sprang up, spewing out, over a considerable distance, fire, hot coals and sparks. Meanwhile the body of the Moon which was below writhed, as it were in anxiety, and to put it in the words of those who reported it to me and saw it with their own eyes, the Moon throbbed like a wounded snake. Afterwards it resumed its proper state. This phenomenon was repeated a dozen times or more, the flame assuming various twisting shapes at random and then returning to normal. Then, after these transformations, the Moon from horn to horn, that is along its whole length, took on a blackish appearance.”

I don’t know about you guys, but that would have freaked the hell OUT of me if I'd seen that.

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On this day in 1812, the US Congress declares war on the United Kingdom. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1945, English-speaking pro-German propaganda broadcaster William Joyce - more infamously known as Lord Haw-Haw - is charged with treason. When you go back and listen to his broadcasts, they're actually no more seditious or objectionable than what you can hear on AM talk radio 24 hours a day from the likes of Michael "the Savage" Wiener, panic-mongering pants-wetting phony Glenn Beck, and right-wing radio's clown prince, Rush Limbaugh.

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On this day in 1873, infamous rabble-rousing suffragette Susan B. Anthony is fined 100 dollars for attempting to vote during the previous year's Presidential elections.

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On this day in 1928, aviatrix Amelia Earhart becomes the first woman to cross the Atlantic by air. But don't let too excited, ladies... it was as a passenger this time.

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On this day in 2006, Kazakhstan launches their first ever satellite into orbit. That's right, you read right... Kazakhstan, of Central Asian dictatorship infamy, has access to space-faring technology. I mean, it's not as bad as if it had been Turkmenistan, but still!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 17

On this day in 1631, Mumtaz Mahal dies during childbirth. Her grief-stricken husband, Mughal emperor Shah Jahan I, will spend the next 17 years building her mausoleum, a little building you and I know as… the Taj Mahal.

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On this day in 1856, the Republican Party opens its first national convention in Philadelphia. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1885, sculptor Frederic Auguste Bartholdi’s colossal neoclassical statue, the Statue of Liberty, arrives in New York Harbor in pieces aboard the French steamer ship Isere, a gift to the American people from the nation of France.

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On this day in 1939, the final public execution in France takes place when convicted murderer Eugen Weidmann is guillotined before an unruly crowd of gawkers in Versailles, France, just outside the Saint-Pierre prison. The execution was surreptitiously filmed from an apartment adjacent to the prison. That fact, combined with the crowd’s unruly behavior, caused French President Albert Lebrun to pass legislation stipulating that all future executions were to take place behind closed doors. The guillotine would continue chopping off heads until September of 1977, when it was used to dispatch Tunisian immigrant Hamida Djandoubi, who had been convicted of torturing, then murdering, his girlfriend.

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Happy Birthday to the plucky, eccentric island nation of ICELAND, which declared its independence from Denmark on this day in 1944!

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Also celebrating a birthday today is the WAR ON (some) DRUGS, which was launched by President Richard Nixon on this day in 1971!

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On this day in 1994, the world watches on CNN as OJ Simpson leads the LAPD on the most infamous police chase in history. Yes, that's right... this is the 19th anniversary of Bloody Orenthal's abortive "excape" attempt! Can you believe it?! Quothe Uncle John's Band: "Where does the time go?"

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 16

On this day in the year 1755, the Loyalist Colonel Moncton and his army attack and defeat the Acadian enclave of Fort Beausejour on Canada's east coast. After that, it all turns nasty for yer old pal Jerky's ancestors. Within weeks, the Brits are burning down Acadian homes and crops, slaughtering and stealing livestock, and otherwise making a real mess of the place. Towards the end of that long, hot summer, the Brits decide they'd rather not have any French-speaking neighbors. So they round them up, load them onto rickety boats, steal their few remaining possessions, and ship over three-quarters of the Acadian population madly off in all directions. "Anywhere but here" was their motto. Most of the deportees ended up in Louisiana, where they invented Cajun cooking and taught themselves to talk funny for tourists.

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On this day in 1816, leading Romantic movement figure Lord Byron issues a challenge to his four house guests at the Villa Diodati. His proposal, that he, Percy Shelley, Mary Shelley, Claire Clairmont, and John Polidori each write a tale to terrify the others, culminates in Mary Shelley writing the novel Frankenstein, Polidori writing the short story The Vampyre, and Byron writing the poem Darkness.

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On this day in 1883, at the Victoria Hall theatre in Sunderland, England, the audience at a Fay Family Children’s Variety Show were told that there would be door prizes for children who held tickets bearing a particular number. In the ensuing mad dash for free goodies, an incredible 183 children had the life squeezed out of them as they were crushed against a heavy iron door bolted in such a manner as to only allow one child through at a time.

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This day in 1904 is the day on which all the fictional events in James Joyce's ground-breaking novel Ulysses supposedly take place. Literary wanks call this day Bloomsday, while the Irish call it... Wednesday.

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On this day in 1911, the Computing-Tabulating-Recording Company is founded in the city of Endicott, New York. The company would switch to the much more memorable International Business Machines, or IBM, in 1924.

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In the history of the US Open golf tournament, only 21 holes-in-one have ever been sunk. Four of them happened on this day in 1989 when Weaver, Wiebe, Pate and Price all sink the sixth hole on a single shot.

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On this day in 2010, the South Asian nation of Bhutan becomes the first country in the world to institute a total ban on the cultivation, harvesting, production, and sale tobacco.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 15

On this day in 763 BC, Assyrian astronomers record a solar eclipse that is later used to fix the chronology of all Mesopotamian - and many other peoples' - ancient history.

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On this day in 1667, the first human blood transfusion is administered by Dr Jean-Baptiste Denys. I can't help but imagine that the process hurts like the dickens.

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On this day in 1752, American living legend Benjamin Franklin proves that lightning is made out of electricity. Shazam!

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On this day in the year 1896, Japanese followers of the Shinto religion pick a really, really bad time to hold a beach party. As they pray and chant and do whatever it is Shinto believers do, a giant tidal wave rises up and crashes into the beach, killing over twenty-seven thousand people and injuring nine thousand more. I don’t know about you folks, but if yer old pal Jerky had survived such an event, he’d be giving some serious consideration to switching religions.

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On this day in 1924, the nation's native Americans are officially proclaimed citizens of the United States of America. And so we take a moment to wish a very happy Bitter Irony Day to all our native friends!

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On this day in 1944, in the Saskatchewan general election, the CCF, led by Tommy Douglas, is elected and forms the first socialist government in North America. To this day, Douglas always scores high on lists of Canada's "Favorite Canadians in History."

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On this day in 1969, CBS replaces the popular Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour - which they cancelled for taking a stand against the Vietnam war - with Hee Haw, featuring the hillbilly charms of Roy Clark and Buck Owens. The nation's collective IQ drops a total of five points before the first season is through.

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On this day in 1978, Jordan's King Hussein marries American hottie Lisa Halaby, who takes the name Queen Noor.

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On this day in 2005, human political prop Terri Schiavo's autopsy results come in. After opening her up and having a look around, doctors discovered that 1) her cause of death was acute dehydration, 13 days after having her feeding tube removed; 2) there was no evidence whatsoever that her husband was abusing her, as some of the freakier Jesus Freaks in this debacle had alleged; and 3) Terri had indeed lost more than 50% brain volume during her fifteen years in a persistent vegetative state.

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On this day in 2008, Lehman Brothers files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, triggering the 2008 financial crisis.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 14

On this day in 1642, America's first ever compulsory education law is passed in Massachusetts, effectively forcing kids to attend school for a mandated minimum amount of instruction in reading, writing and arithmetic. Now, with hindsight, we can see that the passing of this law was nothing less than the rhetorical fat kid arriving at the metaphorical top of the allegorical slippery slope of the socialistic/communistic nanny state, which has led us inexorably to our current society-wide crisis. And who but those Godforsaken liberals - or maybe a Kennedy (spit) - can deny that we are being overrun by atheistic gun-toting homosexual grade-school terrorists on crack!?

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On this day in 1777, America's Continental Congress chooses the Stars n' Stripes to replace the Grand Union flag. It's a good thing they didn't go with their first choice for a replacement: a cartoonish portrait of King George III sucking Ben Franklin's cock, with the words "Mmmm... Daddy LIKES!" scrawled across the bottom. I mean, it makes a point, but it probably wouldn't have stood the test of time.

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On this day in 1822, a British scientist by the name of Charles Babbage proposes a "difference engine" in a paper to the Royal Astronomical Society entitled "Note on the application of machinery to the computation of astronomical and mathematical tables". It is the beginning of the end of all mankind, as the ROBOTALYPSE could never have happened without this terrible first step.

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On this day in 1947, a UFO crash-lands near Roswell, New Mexico. Or not. Depends on who you ask.

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On this day in 1951, the supercomputer known as UNIVAC I is handed over to the US Census Bureau where it begins tabulating who will live and who will die in the coming ROBOTALYPSE (see above).

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On this day in the year 1954 - in the wake of a new American religiosity which sprouted, fungus-like, in the shadow of the mushroom cloud - President Eisenhower signs a Congressional resolution adding the words "under God" to the heretofore secular Pledge of Allegiance. Previously, the last phrase read: "...one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." Yer old pal Jerky much prefers the original, non-superstitious version.

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On this day, in the year 1986, acclaimed Argentinian fantasist Jorge Luis Borges shuffles off into the labyrinth in search of stories that will forever remain untold.

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On this day in 2002, Near-Earth asteroid 2002 MN misses the Earth by 75,000 miles (121,000 km), about one-third of the distance between the Earth and the Moon. A close shave, indeed.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JUNE 13

On this day in 1373, the Anglo-Portuguese Alliance between England and Portugal is founded. It remains the oldest alliance in the world that is still in force to this day.

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On this day in 1525, rogue German cleric Martin Luther marries Katharina von Bora, against the celibacy rule decreed by the Roman Catholic Church for priests and nuns. This perhaps helps explain his “Protestantism” to a certain degree.

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On this day in 1886, one day after being deposed, Bavaria’s “Mad” King Ludwig II is found dead in Lake Starnberg, in waist-deep water, along with his personal physician. Both have unexplained wounds to their head and shoulders.

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On this day in 1934, German fuhrer Adolf Hitler and Italian generalissimo Benito Mussolini meet in Venice, Italy. Mussolini later describes the German dictator as "a silly little monkey".

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On this day in 1966, the US Supreme Court rules in Miranda v. Arizona that the police must inform suspects of their rights before questioning them, much to their extreme displeasure.

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On this day in 1971, the New York Times begins publication of the Pentagon Papers. Pretty heavy stuff.

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On this day in the year 1981, television host Tom Snyder interviews Charles Manson on his late-night program, Tomorrow. Viewers have a hard time deciding which wildly gesticulating loon looks more deranged.

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On this day in the year 1983, America’s Pioneer 10 space probe reaches the outermost boundaries of our Solar System and slips into the inky black nothingness of interstellar space. Yer old pal Jerky finds it strangely comforting that -- even after the last, toxin-riddled member of our suicidal species gurgles its final, pain-wracked breath -- these hunks of metal we’ve sent hurtling through the cosmos will still be carving a path through the void, blinking eternally, intergalactic proof that, yes, WE ONCE WERE!

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On this day in 2005, a California jury finds faded pop phenom Michael Jackson "not guilty" of ten charges stemming from allegations that he molested a 13-year-old cancer patient two years before. When asked how he was going to celebrate, a jubilant Jacko squealed: "I'm going to Disneyland! And then, after picking up a vanload of hot dates, I'm going to Neverland!"

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On this day in 1942, Dutch teenager Anne Frank receives a diary as a birthday present. Years later, she will have to posthumously endure every teen-age girl's worst nightmare as millions of people go over every word she wrote in it.

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On this day in 1963, civil rights leader Medgar Evers is murdered in front of his home in Jackson, Mississippi by Ku Klux Klan member Byron De La Beckwith. Beckwith would evade justice until his third trial, in 1994.

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Two years after his arrest, anti-apartheid activist and ANC leader Nelson Mandela is sentenced to life in prison for sabotage in South Africa on this day in 1964. He would remain behind bars, occasionally in barbaric conditions, until being freed in 1990.

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On this day in 1967, the United States Supreme Court declares all US state laws which prohibit interracial marriage to be unconstitutional in the well-named case of Loving versus Virginia.

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On this day in 1978, the "Son of Sam" killer David Berkowitz is sentenced to 365 years in prison for six killings in New York City. To this day, he claims he was part of a network of “Satanic” murderers and that some of the Son of Sam killings were perpetrated by others who remain at large.

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On this day in 1979, a California cyclist named Bryan Allen flew a human-propelled aircraft by the name of Gossamer Albatross across the English Channel. It took him two hours and forty-nine minutes. Also on this very same day, Kevin St. Onge takes an ordinary, everyday playing card and flicks it an incredible one hundred and eighty-five feet… a world record that still stands to this day.

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On this day in 1987, US President Ronald Reagan publicly challenges Mikhail Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall during a speech given at the Brandenburg Gate.

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On this day in 1994, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman are murdered outside her home in Los Angeles, California. O.J. Simpson is later acquitted of the killings, but is held liable in wrongful death civil suit. Alternative theories have a serial killer or even OJ's son as the true culprit.

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On this day in the year 1184 BC, the Greeks capture some unlucky bastard by the name of Troy.

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On this day in 1776, the Continental Congress appoints Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Roger Sherman, and Robert R. Livingston to the Committee of Five to draft a declaration of independence.

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On this day in 1920, US Republican Party leaders gather in a room at the Blackstone Hotel to come to a consensus on their candidate for the presidential election, leading the Associated Press to first coin the political phrase smoke-filled room.

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On this day in 1936, the International Surrealist Exhibition opens in London, England, leading to a blackface banana smoking mirror-melting penis-knife.

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On this day in 1955, eighty-three are killed and at least 100 more are injured after an Austin-Healey and a Mercedes-Benz collide during Le Mans. It remains, to this day, the deadliest ever accident in motorsports.

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On this day in 1963, Alabama Governor George Wallace stands at the door of Foster Auditorium at the University of Alabama in an attempt to block two black students, Vivian Malone and James Hood, from attending that school. Later in the day, accompanied by federalized National Guard troops, they are able to register.

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Remember that Buddhist monk who set himself on fire in the streets of Saigon to protest the war in Vietnam? Actually, there were a bunch of them, but the first one, the one whose picture we all remember, was named Quang Duc. After training for years to ensure that he maintained control through the agony and didn't thrash, Quang Duc set himself alight to protest South Vietnamese treatment of the Buddhist himority, on this day in the year 1963. When his remains were burned a second time, for cremation, the flames refused to devour his sainted heart, which became a holy relic. The honorifit Thic was bestowed upon Quang Duc in recognition of his status as a Bodhisattva. Look it up.

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On this day in 1964, World War II veteran Walter Seifert runs amok in an elementary school in Cologne, Germany, killing at least eight children and two teachers and seriously injuring several more with a home-made flamethrower and a lance.

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On this day in 1979, "American icon" John Wayne dies of the cancer he by all the time he spent on the radioactive set of 1956’s Howard Hughes epic flop, The Conqueror.

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On this day in 2001, "American icon" Timothy McVeigh is executed for his role in the Oklahoma City bombing.

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On this day in 323 BC, after conquering almost the entirety of the known world and leaving scores of cities re-named in his honor, Macedonian legend-king Alexander the Great passes away at the ripe old age of 33.

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On this day in the year 1692, a woman named Bridget Bishop becomes the first person to be hanged for witchcraft during the Salem Witch Trials. In all, 20 people have their lives cut short by their former friends and neighbors before somebody points out how fucking retarded it is to hang people for no good reason. Who says small town country living is safe?

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On this day in 1886, New Zealand’s Mount Tarawera erupts, killing 153 people and destroying the famous Pink and White Terraces, considered by many of those who were lucky enough to see them to be a strong contender for the Eighth Wonder of the Natural World. Wish I could have frolicked in them.

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On this day in 1977, James Earl Ray – the man who may or may not have assassinated Martin Luther King Jr – escapes from Brushy Mountain State Prison in Petros, Tennessee, only to be captured three days later.

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On this day in 1985, French agents restore a sense of pride to the nation's much maligned military by blowing up the un-armed Greenpeace boat Rainbow Warrior. A photographer drowns when he tries to retrieve his equipment from the rapidly sinking ship.

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On this day in 1991, an 11-year-old girl named Jaycee Lee Dugard is kidnapped by Phillip Craig Garrido and his wife, Nancy, in South Lake Tahoe, California. Dugard would remain missing for more than 18 years, during which time she would be held against her will in a secure area on Garrido’s property and forced to father two daughters by her captor and tormentor.

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On this day in 2002, the first “direct electronic communication experiment between the nervous systems of two humans” is carried out by the intensely creepy post-humanist pseudo-philosopher cum scientism evangelist Kevin Warwick in the United Kingdom. Trust me, folks… when it comes to individuals whose hubris and massive blind spots could potentially wreak untold havoc on the entire planetary ecosphere, this guy is on the short list.

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Also on this day in 2002, Attorney General John Ashcroft takes to the airwaves to announce the arrest of US citizen Abdullah al-Mujahir - a.k.a. Jose Padilla - allegedly over his being part of an al-Qaeda plot to detonate a radioactive “dirty bomb” in a US city. Padilla was held as an “enemy combatant” for over a year, and subjected to so-called enhanced interrogation techniques (a euphemism for torture) before the major charges against him were dropped for lack of merit, and he was tried for other transgressions in civilian court in 2007. Of particular note is the fact that authorities kept him strapped into a "sensory deprivation rig" whenever he was being transported from place to place, so he would never know whether his family (who were not allowed to meet with him) were there to support him. A nice, petty, Bush-era touch of malignant hubris.

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On this day in 53 AD, Roman Emperor Nero marries Claudia Octavia. Fifteen years later to the day, Nero commits suicide, thus ending the Julio-Claudian Dynasty and starting the civil year known as the Year of the Four Emperors.

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The first legal corporation in the Americas is established on this day in 1650 when the Harvard Corporation establishes its charter.

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On this day in 1946, Thailand’s King Bhumibol Adulyadej ascends to the throne, where he still sits to this day, having survived military juntas and coups and revolutions and more. He is currently the world's longest reigning monarch, with one of the most loyal group of subjects any reigning monarch could ever want to have... a fact which yer old pal Jerky found out the hard way a few years back..

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On this day in 1954, US Army special counsel Joseph Welch famously rebukes Red Scare-mongering Senator Joseph McCarthy during the Army-McCarthy hearings on whether Communism has infiltrated the American military. Welch’s impassioned defense of a young subordinate whom McCarthy had smeared on live TV resonated across the nation: “Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?” It was the beginning of the end for the vile thug Joe McCarthy.

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On this day in the year 1978, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, known to you and I as the Cult of Mormon, strikes down its long-standing policy of excluding black men from the priesthood, probably because they're running out of stupid white people to con into believing their sham mythology.

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On this day in 1980, legendary comedian Richard Pryor accidentally sets himself on fire while freebasing cocaine. Badly burned over 80% of his body, it was a tragic irony that during his months-long hospital stay, Pryor added a variety of pain-killers and powerful laxatives to the already lengthy list of substances to which he was addicted.

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On this day in 2001, FBI agent Robert Wright gives the FBI a mission statement he wrote that outlines his complaints against his agency. It reads, in part, “Knowing what I know, I can confidently say that until the investigative responsibilities for terrorism are removed from the FBI, I will not feel safe. The FBI has proven for the past decade it cannot identify and prevent acts of terrorism against the United States and its citizens at home and abroad. Even worse, there is virtually no effort on the part of the FBI’s International Terrorism Unit to neutralize known and suspected terrorists residing within the United States. Unfortunately, more terrorist attacks against American interests, coupled with the loss of American lives, will have to occur before those in power give this matter the urgent attention it deserves.” Three months later, almost to the day, the terrorist attacks of September 11 would take place.