PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 4

On this day in 1147, we have the first historical record of Moscow.

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On this day in 1581, Francis Drake is knighted for completing a circumnavigation of the world.

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On this day in 1721, Sir Robert Walpole takes office as the first Prime Minister of the United Kingdom under King George I.

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On this day in 1768, in London, England, Great Britain, Philip Astley stages the first modern circus.

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On this day in 1841, President William Henry Harrison succumbs to pneumonia, thus becoming the first President of the United States to die in office. Harrison only served for one month, most of it bed-ridden, and he still managed to leave a greater legacy than Preznit Dubya.

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Happy Birthday NATO (North Atlantic Treaty Organization), which was signed into existence on this day in 1949.

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On this day in 1964, The Beatles occupy the TOP FIVE positions on the Billboard Hot 100 pop chart.

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On this day in 1967, Martin Luther King, Jr. delivers his "Beyond Vietnam: A Time to Break Silence" speech in New York City's Riverside Church. One year later, on this day in 1968, at 6:01 in the afternoon, the civil rights activist is leaning over the balcony railing of his second-floor room at the Motel Lorraine to speak to his chauffeur, when a slug from a high-powered rifle smashes through his chest, killing him. James Earl Ray is later arrested based on the testimony of Charles Stephens, who refuses to finger Ray until the FBI pays off his $30,000 bar tab, and who originally told police that the man he saw exiting the boarding house bathroom from whence the killshot had come was "a nigger." Click HERE if you're interested in finding out more well-documented weirdness surrounding the assassination of MLK.

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On this day in 1969, the most popular show on TV – The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour – is cancelled by CBS for airing political satire of the politically incorrect variety. Among their crimes, the Brothers dared to invite Pete Seeger, who sang an anti-war song on the air, in Prime Time. Adding insult to injury, the network replaced the vibrant, vital show with... Hee-Haw.

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On this day in 1973, the World Trade Center in New York is officially dedicated.

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The first entry in Winston Smith's diary as depicted in George Orwell's visionary dystopian novel Nineteen-Eighty Four, is written on this day in... you guessed it... 1984. You can read the entire novel online, for free, here.

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On this day in 1991, Senator John Heinz of Pennsylvania and six others are killed when a helicopter collides with their airplane over an elementary school in Merion, Pennsylvania.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 3

On this day in 1783, the governments of Sweden and the United States sign a treaty of Amity and Commerce. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1860, the Pony Express mail service begins with Henry Wallace riding west from Missouri, and John Roff riding east from Sacramento, California. Wallace ends up beating Roff by two days in their criss-crossy race, which spans eighteen hundred miles, and the entire nation's imagination is captured... for about a year and a half. But even though the Pony Express Company folded in October of 1861, its very existence helped inspire the creation of the federal mail service which, to this day, continues such proud traditions as stealing cash from our birthday cards and fomenting disgruntlement amongst the psychopathic loners in their employ.

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On this day in 1868, some crazy Hawaiian fucker surfs a fifty foot tidal wave, the biggest wave ever ridden by a surfer who survived.

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On this day in 1888, the first of eleven unsolved brutal murders of women committed in or near the impoverished Whitechapel district in the East End of London, occurs.

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On this day in 1895, the trial in the libel case brought by Oscar Wilde begins, eventually resulting in his imprisonment on charges of homosexuality.

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On this day in 1922, Joseph Stalin becomes the first General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.

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On this day, in the year 1930, the man formerly known as Ras Tafari becomes Haile Selassie - the Lion of Judah - Emperor of Ethiopia. So put on a Bob Marley CD, light up a fat one, and get to jammin... Ja mon!

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On this day in 1936, Bruno Richard Hauptmann is executed for the kidnapping and death of Charles Augustus Lindbergh, Jr., the baby son of pilot Charles Lindbergh.

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On this day in 1948, President Harry S. Truman signs the Marshall Plan, authorizing $5 billion in aid for 16 countries.

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After Triangle Publications bought up all the biggest regional television listings magazines in America - publications such as TV List, TV Forecast, TV Digest, Television Guide, TV God and The Idiot Box Times - the very first issue of TV Guide is published, nationwide, on this day in 1953. This is back in the day when we all still loved Lucy.

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On this day in 1955, the American Civil Liberties Union announces it will defend Allen Ginsberg's book Howl against obscenity charges.

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On this day in 1968, civil rights champion Martin Luther King Jr. predicts his own demise during the Mountaintop Speech. He would be dead, gunned down while chatting with well-wishers from a Memphis hotel balcony, within 24 hours. His killers have yet to be brought to justice.

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On this day in 1981, the Osborne 1, the first successful portable computer, is unveiled at the West Coast Computer Faire in San Francisco.

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On this day in 1988, Pittsburgh Penguin Mario Lemieux wins the NHL scoring title, putting an end to Wayne Gretzky's remarkable seven year streak, which causes the so-called "Great One" to cry like a freshly-spanked baby.

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On this day in 1996, after an 18-year reign of Luddite terror during which he killed 3 and maimed 29, Ted "the Unabomber" Kaczynski is arrested at his tiny cabin in the Montana wilderness. He was turned in by his brother, who always was a whiny little snitch. On that very same day, an Air Force 737 carrying Clinton administration Commerce Secretary Ron Brown flies into a mountain in Croatia. All 35 passengers and crew perish in the crash, sparking a flurry of conspiracy theories, of both the Negro and conservative variety, that make a whole helluva lot less sense than even the craziest theories about what really happened on 9/11.

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On this day in 2004, Islamic terrorists involved in the 11 March 2004 Madrid attacks are trapped by the police in their apartment and kill themselves.

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On this day in 2008, Texas law enforcement cordons off the FLDS's YFZ Ranch. Eventually 533 women and children will be removed and taken into state custody. This one goes a lot better than the one at Mount Carmel with the Branch Davidians. No kills at all!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 2

On this day in 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de León first sights land in what is now Florida. Claims that he discovered the Fountain of Youth have yet to be confirmed.

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On this day in 1792, the Coinage Act is passed establishing the United States Mint.

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On this day in 1866, President Andrew Johnson officially ends war in Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee and Virginia. He was a few years premature, if you ask yer old pal Jerky.

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On this day in 1902, "Electric Theatre", the first full-time movie theater in the United States, opens in Los Angeles, California. Mass mind-control of the movie going public ensues.

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On this day in 1912, the ill-fated RMS Titanic begins sea trials.

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On this day in 1930, after the mysterious death of Empress Zewditu, Haile Selassie is proclaimed emperor of Ethiopia.

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On this day in 1956, As the World Turns and The Edge of Night premiere on CBS-TV. The two soaps become the first daytime dramas to debut in the 30-minute format.

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On this day in 1972, actor Charlie Chaplin returns to the United States for the first time since being labeled a communist during the Red Scare in the early 1950s.

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On this day in 1973, the launch of the LexisNexis computerized legal research service.

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On this day in 1975, construction of the CN Tower is completed in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. It reaches 553.33 metres (1,815.4 ft) in height, becoming the world's tallest free-standing structure.

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On this day in 1982, seeking to boost national morale, Argentine military dictator Leopoldo Galtieri sends in the troops to invade and capture the Falklands Islands, a British colony located about 300 miles south of the southern tip of the South American continent, home to roughly 1,800 English-speaking sheep farmers and not a whole lot else. Although no British subjects were injured during the invasion, British response was severe. Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher sent out 30 warships, which took several weeks to arrive. By the time it all was over, Britain had lost five ships and 256 lives, and Argentina had lost their only cruiser, as well as 750 lives. Within a year, civilian rule was restored in Argentina. Unfortunately, the same could not be said of England.

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On this day in 1992, in New York, Mafia boss John Gotti is convicted of murder and racketeering and is later sentenced to life in prison. Meanwhile, south of the Mason Dixon line, country singer Wynonna Judd performs her first concert without her mother. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 2004, Islamist terrorists involved in the 11 March 2004 Madrid attacks attempt to bomb the Spanish high-speed train AVE near Madrid; their attack is thwarted.

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On this day in 2005, Pope John Paul II passes away after a long illness, thus setting in motion the elaborate sequence of events that would ultimately culminate with "shock jock" Howard Stern leaving terrestrial radio for the freedom of satellite broadcasting... or something.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 1

On this day in 527, Byzantine Emperor Justin I names his nephew Justinian I, co-ruler and successor to the throne. And that's where we get April Fool's Day from!

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On this day in 528, the daughter of Emperor Xiaoming of Northern Wei was made the "Emperor" as a male heir of the late emperor by Empress Dowager Hu, deposed and replaced by Yuan Zhao the next day; she was the first female monarch in the History of China, but not widely recognized.

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On this day in 1873, the British steamer RMS Atlantic sinks off Nova Scotia, killing 547.

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On this day in 1924, German rabble-rouser Adolf Hitler is sentenced to five years in jail for his participation in the Beer Hall Putsch. He only serves nine months of his sentence, during which time he writes Mein Kampf, explaining his personal philosophy of government. Roughly ten years later, in 1933, the newly-elected Nazi Party organizes a boycott of Jewish-owned businesses in Germany, a precursor to a series of laws that would eventually come to be known as the Holocaust.

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On this day in 1957, the BBC broadcasts the spaghetti tree hoax on its current affairs programme Panorama.

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On this day in 1970, President Richard Nixon signs the Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act into law, requiring the Surgeon General's warnings on tobacco products and banning cigarette advertisements on television and radio in the United States, starting on January 1, 1971.

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How appropriate is it that American Motors chose April Fool's Day, 1970 to introduce their latest model, the Gremlin?

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On this day in 1999, Nunavut is established as a semi-autonomous Canadian territory carved out of the eastern part of the Northwest Territories.

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On this day in 2004, Google announces Gmail to the public.

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On this day in 2011, after protests against the burning of the Quran turn violent, a mob attacks a United Nations compound in Mazar-i-Sharif, Afghanistan, resulting in the deaths of thirteen people, including eight foreign workers.