PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 8

On this day in 1010, Ferdowsi completes his epic poem in honor of his homeland, Iran: Shāhnāmeh.

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On this day in 1618, Johannes Kepler discovers the third law of planetary motion.

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On this day in 1655, John Casor becomes the first legally-recognized slave in England's North American colonies where a crime was not committed.

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On this day in 1722, the Safavid Empire of Iran is defeated by an army from Afghanistan at The Battle of Gulnabad, pushing Iran into anarchy.

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On this day in 1775, an anonymous writer, thought by some to be Thomas Paine, publishes "African Slavery in America", the first article in the American colonies calling for the emancipation of slaves and the abolition of slavery.

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On this day in 1782, 96 Native Americans in Gnadenhutten, Ohio, who had converted to Christianity are killed by Pennsylvania militiamen in retaliation for raids carried out by other Indians.

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On this day in 1868, the Sakai incident occurs, when Japanese samurai kill 11 French sailors in the port of Sakai near Osaka.

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On this day in 1910, French aviatrix Raymonde de Laroche becomes the first woman to receive a pilot's license.

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On this day in 1930, the teacher Mohandas "the Mahatma" Gandhi calls for widespread civil disobedience in British-occupied India. The core of Gandhi's movement, which would eventually succeed in expelling the occupiers, was "Satyagraha", a three-part concept including "Sat" (truth) "Ahimsa" (pacifism) and "Tapasya" (the willingness to sacrifice one's self).

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On this day in 1934, astronomer Edwin Hubble reveals a photograph showing that there are as many visible galaxies as there are stars in the Milky Way galaxy. Although Hubble's first words upon seeing the image weren't recorded for posterity, yer old pal Jerky imagines they were probably on the order of: "Holy SHIT-balls! Look at all those fuckin' GALAXIES!!! I'll make millions from the posters, alone!"

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On this day in 1963, the Ba'ath Party comes to power in Syria in a coup d'état by a clique of quasi-leftist Syrian Army officers calling themselves the National Council of the Revolutionary Command.

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On this day in 1978, the first radio episode of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams, is transmitted on BBC Radio 4.

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On this day in 1979, Philips demonstrates the Compact Disc publicly for the first time.

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On this day in 1983, U.S. President Ronald Reagan calls the Soviet Union an "evil empire".

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Also on this day, in 1993, six gallons of milk are delivered to David Koresh's Branch Davidian compound in Elk/Waco/Carmel, on the ninth day of the ATF/FBI siege there. Also, Koresh – whose wounds are healing nicely – sends out a videotape containing footage of the children still trapped in the compound with him… and informs negotiators that all these children are, biologically, his own.

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On this day in 1999, the Crayola company announced that it would be caving in to the requests of various Native American organizations by doing away with the popular Indian Red color crayon. Previously, the last time Crayola changed the name of one of its crayons was in 1962, when civil rights advocates asked that the crayon labeled "flesh" be changed to "peach" in recognition of the fact that not everybody is as pigmentationally challenged as the average member of the Caucasian race. At the time, we here at the Daily Dirt applauded Crayola's politically correct appeasement of a downtrodden minority. Unfortunately, their follow-through hasn't been as good as it should be. For instance, we're still waiting for them to do away with all those other offensive colors, like Zipperhead Yellow, Jungle-bunny Black and Sunset Spic. But hey... progress takes time, I guess.

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On this day in 2004, a new constitution is signed by Iraq's Governing Council. And they lived happily ever after.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 7

On this day in 161, Emperor Antoninus Pius dies and is succeeded by his adoptive sons Marcus Aurelius and Lucius Verus.

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On this day in 1774, British forces close the port of Boston to all commerce. The resulting baked bean shortage leads to a marked increase in the air quality of neighboring colonies.

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On this day in 1799, Napoleon Bonaparte captures Jaffa in Palestine and his troops proceed to kill more than 2,000 Albanian captives.

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On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell is granted a patent for an invention he calls the telephone.

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On this day in 1900, the German liner SS Kaiser Wilhelm der Grosse becomes the first ship to send wireless signals to shore.

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On this day in 1912, Roald Amundsen announces that his expedition had reached the South Pole on December 14, 1911.

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On this day in 1965, a group of 600 civil rights marchers are forcefully broken up in Selma, Alabama.

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On this day in 1985, the song "We Are the World" receives its international release.

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On this day in 1988, one-handed pitcher Jim Abbott wins the 58th James E Sullivan Award, which is given annually to the best one-handed player in Major League Baseball.

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On this day in 1989, Iran drops diplomatic relations with Britain over Salman Rushdie's novel, The Satanic Verses. Britain doesn't much care, seeing as their "relations" with Iran hadn't been very "diplomatic" for decades by then.

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On this day in 1993, Diff'rent Strokes actor Todd Bridges is arrested for stabbing a tenant in the building where he worked as a superintendent. A cyclical process of recovery/relapse ensues, and Entertainment Tonight is there to squeeze every last iota of material from it.

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On this day in 1994, African National Congress chief Nelson Mandela rejects demand by white right-wingers that he establish a separate homeland for them in South Africa. Meanwhile, in Liberia, Charles Taylor resigns as President of of the African nation established by American whites for African blacks who wanted to return to the Motherland after being freed from slavery. There's a joke in there somewhere, but yer old pal Jerky doesn't trust himself to tease it out without getting himself in trouble.

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On this day in 1999, death claims the mighty Kubrick.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 6

On this day in 1521, Ferdinand Magellan arrives at Guam.

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On this day in 1820, the Missouri Compromise is signed into law by President James Monroe. The compromise allows Missouri to enter the Union as a slave state, brings Maine into the Union as a free state, and makes the rest of the northern part of the Louisiana Purchase territory slavery-free.

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On this day in 1834, York, Upper Canada is incorporated as Toronto.

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On this day in 1836, after a thirteen day siege by an army of 3,000 Mexican troops, the 187 Texas volunteers, including frontiersman Davy Crockett and colonel Jim Bowie, defending the Alamo are killed and the fort is captured.

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On this day in 1857, the Supreme Court hands down its decision in the Dred Scott case, establishing that slaves cannot be considered citizens. It would take a Civil War, and the deaths of nearly ¾ of a million Americans, to correct this stupid mistake.

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On this day in 1869, Dmitri Mendeleev presents the first periodic table to the Russian Chemical Society.

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On this day in 1899, Bayer registers "Aspirin" as a trademark.

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On this day in 1943, Norman Rockwell published Freedom from Want in the The Saturday Evening Post with a matching essay by Carlos Bulosan as part of the Four Freedoms series.

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On this day in 1951, the trial of Ethel and Julius Rosenberg begins.

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On this day in 1953, Georgy Malenkov succeeds Joseph Stalin as Premier of the Soviet Union and First Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.

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On this day in 1964, Nation of Islam's Elijah Muhammad officially gives boxing champion Cassius Clay the name Muhammad Ali.

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On this day in 1967, Joseph Stalin's daughter Svetlana Alliluyeva defects to the United States.

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On this day in 1970, an explosion at the Weather Underground safe house in Greenwich Village kills three.

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On this day in 1975, for the first time the Zapruder film of the assassination of John F. Kennedy is shown in motion to a national TV audience by Robert J. Groden and Dick Gregory.

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On this day in 1978, Klan assassin Joseph Paul Franklin shoots and cripples Larry Flynt, apparently because he was enraged by an interracial photo spread published in Hustler Magazine. Franklin was never prosecuted for the attack on Flynt, but he currently sits in jail, considered party to upwards of 20 racially-motivated murders and a number of other violent offenses, including the attempted murder of former Clinton lawyer Vernon Jordan.

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On this day in 1981, Walter Cronkite signs-off as anchorman of The CBS Evening News. Twenty-five years later, he's still kicking himself in the ass for retiring too early and leaving that show-boating loon Dan Rather in charge.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 5

On this day in 1558, Francisco Fernandez introduces smoking tobacco to Europe. Soon thereafter, Fernando Franciscez invents the breath mint.

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On this day in 1770, five Americans, including Crispus Attucks, and a boy, are killed by British troops in an event that would contribute to the outbreak of the American Revolutionary War (also known as the American War of Independence) five years later. At a subsequent trial the soldiers are defended by future U.S. president John Adams.

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On this day in 1836, Samuel Colt patents the first production-model revolver, the .34-caliber.

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On this day in 1868, Englishman C.H. Gould patents the stapler, then sits back and waits for somebody else to patent staples.

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On this day in 1912, Italian forces are the first to use airships for military purposes, employing them for reconnaissance behind Turkish lines.

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On this day in 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt declares a "bank holiday", closing all U.S. banks and freezing all financial transactions.

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On this day in 1933, Adolf Hitler's Nazi Party receives 43.9% at the Reichstag elections. This later allows the Nazis to pass the Enabling Act and establish a dictatorship.

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On this day in 1940, Members of Soviet politburo, including general secretary Joseph Stalin, sign an order for the execution of 25,700 Polish intelligentsia, including 14,700 Polish POWs, known also as the Katyn massacre.

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On this day in 1946, Winston Churchill coins the phrase "Iron Curtain" in his speech at Westminster College, Missouri.

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On this day in 1953, the death of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin is announced. All together now: "Awwwwww!"

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On this day in 1960, Cuban photographer Alberto Korda takes his iconic photograph of Marxist revolutionary Ernesto "Che" Guevara.

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On this day in 1964, a clown is born.

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On this day in 1981, the ZX81, a pioneering British home computer, is launched by Sinclair Research and would go on to sell over 1.5 million units around the world.

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On this day in 1982, the Soviet probe Venera 14 landed on Venus.

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On this day in 1998, psychologically fragile singing diva Mariah Carey divorces her mobbed-up music industry big-shot husband, Tommy Mottola. Wow… that's almost as sad as the death of Stalin!

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On this day in 1999, Paul Okalik is elected first Premier of Nunavut.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 4

On this day in 1519, Spanish explorer Hernán Cortés arrives in Mexico in search of the Aztec civilization and their wealth.

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On this day in 1861, the first national flag of the Confederate States of America - the "Stars and Bars" - is adopted. Four years later, in 1865 - also on this day - the third and final national flag of the Confederate States of America is adopted by the Confederate Congress. None of them are what you probably think they are.

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On this day in 1918, the first case of Spanish flu occurs, the start of a devastating worldwide pandemic that would ultimately lead to the deaths of an estimated 100 MILLION human beings - roughly 4 percent of the world's population at the time.

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On this day in 1918, the USS Cyclops departs from Barbados and is never seen again, presumably lost with all hands in the Bermuda Triangle.

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On this day in 1933, Frances Perkins becomes United States Secretary of Labor, the first female member of the United States Cabinet.

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On this day in 1952, future President Ronald Reagan marries fellow actress Nancy Davis. Ah... love's greatest lovers in love!

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During an interview on this day in 1966, Beatle John Lennon says "We're more popular than Jesus." The smell of burning vinyl ensues.

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On this day in 1968, the reverend Martin Luther King Junior announces plans to launch a Poor People's Campaign, to address the color-blind problem of poverty in America. This proves to be the straw that breaks the backs of The Powers That Be, who promptly have MLK assassinated by a "lone nut assassin".

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On this day in 1974, People Magazine is published for the first time in the United States as People Weekly.

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On this day in 1980, nationalist leader Robert Mugabe wins a sweeping election victory to become Zimbabwe's first black prime minister. And they lived happily ever after.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 3

On this day in 468 AD, Saint Simplicius is chosen to succeed Pope Hilarius as Supreme Pontiff of the Holy Roman Catholic Church. This, of course, took place during the Monty Python era of the Dark Ages.

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On this day in 1857, Second Opium War takes place when France and the United Kingdom declare war on China.

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On this day in 1861, Russian Tsar Alexander II abolishes serfdom, prompting his newly-liberated subjects to complain about not having anything to do anymore.

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On this day in 1873, the story of censorship in the United States. The U.S. Congress enacts the Comstock Law, making it illegal to send any "obscene, lewd, or lascivious" books through the mail.

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On this day in 1875, the first ever organized indoor game of ice hockey is played in Montreal, Canada as recorded in The Montreal Gazette.

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On this day in 1885, the American Telephone & Telegraph Company is incorporated in New York.

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On this day in 1913, thousands of women march in a suffrage parade in Washington, D.C.

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On this day in 1915, NACA, the predecessor of NASA, is founded.

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On this day in 1923, TIME magazine is published for the first time.

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On this day in 1924, the thirteen-century-old Islamic caliphate is abolished when Caliph Abdul Mejid II of the Ottoman Empire is deposed. The last remnant of the old regime gives way to the reformed Turkey of Kemal Atatürk.

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On this day in 1931, the United States adopts The Star-Spangled Banner as its national anthem.

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On this day in 1938, oil is discovered in Saudi Arabia.

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On this day in 1939, in Mumbai, Mohandas Gandhi begins to fast in protest at the autocratic rule in India.

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On this day in 1951, Jackie Brenston, with Ike Turner and his band, records "Rocket 88", often cited as "the first rock and roll record", at Sam Phillips' recording studios in Memphis, Tennessee.

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On this day in 1969, the Apollo program: NASA launches Apollo 9 to test the lunar module.

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On this day in 1991, an amateur video captures the beating of Rodney King by Los Angeles police officers.

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On this day in 2004, Belgian brewer Interbrew and Brazilian rival AmBev agree to merge in a $11.2 billion deal that forms InBev, the world's largest brewer.

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On this day in 2005, Steve Fossett becomes the first person to fly an airplane non-stop around the world solo without refueling.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 2

On this day in 537, the Ostrogoth army under king Vitiges began the siege of the capital. Belisarius conducts a delaying action outside the Flaminian Gate; he and a detachment of his bucellarii are almost cut off.

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On this day in 1807, Congress passes an act to "prohibit the importation of slaves into any port or place within the jurisdiction of the United States... from any foreign kingdom, place, or country." But not to worry; with a self-sustaining population of over four million African slaves already held as chattel in the South, they didn't need no new blood, no-how!

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On this day in 1877, a partisan Republican panel declares Rutherford B. Hayes to be the winner of the previous year's election. This, despite his having lost both the popular and, most likely, the electoral college vote, to opponent Samuel J. Tilden, Democrat. After his inauguration as the 19th U.S. president, Hayes was coerced into undoing the work begun by Abraham Lincoln. He caved in to Southern conservative demands that the military withdraw from the region, effectively bringing Reconstruction to an end. One by one, all the former Confederate (traitor) states began stripping blacks of the right to vote, among other things. It would take nearly a century for the Civil Rights movement to gain the strength required to force the feds to once again address this chronic deficiency of the Southern character.

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On this day in 1882, Queen Victoria narrowly escapes an assassination attempt by Roderick McLean in Windsor.

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On this day in 1904, Theodor Geisel is born. Who the fuck is Theodor Geisel, you ask? You folks probably remember him as the immortal Dr Seuss, author of such kiddy classics as Green Eggs and Ham and The Cat in the Hat. But yer old pal Jerky will always remember Geisel as the anonymous author of the illustrated adult-oriented classics Horton Hits a Whore, If I Ran the Sex Zoo, and I am Curious, Oobleck.

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On this day in 1919, the first Communist International meets in Moscow.

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On this day in 1933, the film King Kong opens at New York's Radio City Music Hall.

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On this day in 1962, Wilt Chamberlain sets the single-game scoring record in the National Basketball Association by scoring 100 points.

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On this day in 1983, Compact Discs and players are released for the first time in the United States and other markets. They had previously been available only in Japan.

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On this day in 1990, Nelson Mandela is elected deputy President of the African National Congress.

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On this day in 1993, Branch Davidian cult leader David Koresh promises to give himself up and allow authorities to enter his compound if the media agrees to broadcast a one-hour audiotape of religious teachings he recorded earlier that same morning. At 1:30 in the afternoon, at the behest of FBI negotiators, the Christian Broadcasting Network plays the tape in its entirety. At 5:58 PM, Koresh informs negotiators that God has ordered him to wait a little while longer before coming out.

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On this day in 1995, researchers at Fermilab announce the discovery of the top quark.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 1

On this day in 752 BC, Romulus, legendary first king of Rome, celebrates the first Roman triumph after his victory over the Caeninenses, following The Rape of the Sabine Women.

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As of this day in the year 743 AD, because of an official decree, citizens of the Holy Roman Empire are no longer allowed to export their servants and/or children to slave traders from "heathen" lands. This might seem like a progressive move at first glance, but it had the unintended consequence of creating a white slave-trade deficit that sent shockwaves through the global economy.

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On this day in 1562, 23 Huguenots are massacred by Catholics in Wassy, France, marking the start of the French Wars of Religion.

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On this day in 1633, Samuel de Champlain reclaims his role as commander of New France on behalf of Cardinal Richelieu.

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On this day in 1692, Sarah Good, Sarah Osborne and Tituba are brought before local magistrates in Salem Village, Massachusetts, beginning what would become known as the Salem witch trials.

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On this day in 1780, Pennsylvania becomes the first American state to abolish hereditary slavery. Children of Pennsylvania slaves were thereafter born "free"… to do what, exactly, Godzilla only knows.

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On this day in 1790, the first United States census is authorized.

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On this day in 1811, King Muhammad Ali Pasha, founder of the modern state of Egypt, personally oversees the murders of over 500 Mameluke warriors in a single day's slaughter. I don't have a joke, here. I just like the word "Mameluke". We don't use it nearly enough these days.

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On this day in 1872, Yellowstone National Park is established as the world's first national park.

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On this day in 1893, electrical engineer Nikola Tesla gives the first public demonstration of radio in St. Louis, Missouri.

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On this day in 1896, Henri Becquerel discovers radioactivity.

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On this day in 1910, the worst avalanche in United States history buries a Great Northern Railway train in northeastern King County, Washington, killing 96 people.

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On this day in 1912, Albert Berry makes the first parachute jump from a moving airplane.

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On this day in 1932, Charles Lindbergh Jr, the 20-month-old son of Nazi-sympathizing aviation legend Charles Lindbergh Sr, is kidnapped from his nursery in New Jersey. The child's corpse would be discovered buried not very far from the Lindbergh home, two months later, after the family paid a $70,000 ransom. If any of you old-timers know any Lindbergh Baby Jokes, kindly send them to yer old pal Jerky. I'm chokin' for a chuckle!

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On this day in 1936, the Hoover Dam is completed.

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On this day in 1937, the first ever permanent automobile license plates are issued, in the state of Connecticut. Prior to that, drivers had to chalk in their license numbers on small blackboards that were affixed to the front of every vehicle sold.

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On this day in 1947, the International Monetary Fund begins financial operations.

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On this day in 1953, Soviet Premier Joseph Stalin suffers a stroke and collapses; he dies four days later.

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On this day in 1954, the Castle Bravo, a 15-megaton hydrogen bomb, is detonated on Bikini Atoll in the Pacific Ocean, resulting in the worst radioactive contamination ever caused by the United States.

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On this day in 1954, Puerto Rican nationalists attack the United States Capitol building, injuring five Representatives.

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On this day in 1961, American President John F. Kennedy establishes the Peace Corps.

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On this day in 1966, Venera 3 Soviet space probe crashes on Venus becoming the first spacecraft to land on another planet's surface.

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On this day in 1970, Family-man Charles Manson releases his first album. Entitled Lie, the folk-tinged collection of melodies fails to find an audience. You know, maybe if Manson had scored a gold record, things might not have soured so quickly for the hippies. In other words… it's a good thing it flopped!

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On this day in 1971, a bomb explodes in a men's room in the United States Capitol: the Weather Underground claims responsibility.

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On this day in 1989, the United States becomes a member of the Berne Convention for the Protection of Literary and Artistic Works.

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On this day in 1990, Steve Jackson Games is raided by the United States Secret Service, prompting the later formation of the Electronic Frontier Foundation.

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On this day in 1998, Titanic became the first film to gross over $1 billion worldwide.