PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 22

On this day in 1622, Algonquian Indians kill 347 English settlers around Jamestown, Virginia, a third of the colony's population, during the Second Anglo-Powhatan War.

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On this day in 1630, the Massachusetts Bay Colony outlaws the possession of cards, dice, and gaming tables. Fun place.

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On this day in 1733, soda pop comes one step closer to reality when Joseph Priestly becomes the first person to artificially carbonate water.

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On this day in 1894, the first playoff game for the Stanley Cup starts. It will take another 29 years to the day - on this day in 1923 - before the first radio broadcast of ice hockey is made, by Foster Hewitt.

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On this day in 1960, Arthur Leonard Schawlow and Charles Hard Townes receive the first patent for a laser. That's right... a frickin' LASER!

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On this day in 1963, phase one of the mass mind control conspiracy hatched by the Tavistock Institute kicks off when the first album by The Beatles, Please Please Me, is released on an unsuspecting public.

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On this day in 1978, 73-year-old "Flying Wallendas" family patriarch Karl Wallenda gets fouled up by strong winds while walking a tight-rope between two Puerto Rican hotels, causing him to fall 120 feet to his death. Perhaps the most annoying thing about Wallenda's legacy is how so many people say "at least he died doing something he loved." This, of course, is pure horse-shit. Does anyone really believe Karl Wallenda "loved" having his frail, aged body smashed into pulp against concrete at two hundred miles per hour?! The sad truth is, Karl Wallenda died while failing miserably at something he loved.

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On this day in 1984, teachers at the McMartin preschool in Manhattan Beach, California are charged with satanic ritual abuse of the children in the school. The charges are later dropped as completely unfounded... but we know better, don't we?

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Soulful vocalizations from The Fat One and sexy guitar poses from The Hot One help propel Heart's These Dreams to the #1 position on the nation's pop charts on this day in 1986!

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On this day in 1989, Clint Malarchuk of the Buffalo Sabres suffers a near-fatal injury when another player accidentally slits his throat. I was watching that game live, and it was a gruesome sight that I hope never to revisit any time soon.

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On this day in 1997, the Comet Hale-Bopp has its closest approach to Earth, just in time for a bunch of cult members to hitch a ride on board to the Great Beyond.