PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 1

The first day in the month of May is celebrated as May Day – also known as International Workers’ Day – almost everywhere in the world, with the most glaring exception being the nation whose citizens’ blood fertilized the soil of its inception: the United States of America.

First suggested at the first congress of the world socialist Second International in 1889, May Day was meant to commemorate Chicago’s infamous Haymarket Massacre of three years prior, in which dozens of labor demonstrators were gunned down by police after one of them allegedly threw a dynamite bomb.

The holiday was formally recognized as an annual event at the International's second congress in 1891. Three years later, following a particularly nasty Wall Street panic, the May Day Riots took place in Cleveland, OH. Ten years later, in 1904, the International Socialist Conference meeting in Amsterdam called on "all Social Democratic Party organizations and trade unions of all countries to demonstrate energetically on May First for the legal establishment of the 8-hour day, for the class demands of the proletariat, and for universal peace."

Considering its origins and history, it shouldn't be too surprising that The Powers That Be have never had much love for May Day. Right-wing governments, invariably favoring Capital over Labor, have historically downplayed the holiday’s significance, often celebrating “Labour/Labor Day” on another day – for instance, as in the USA and Canada, on the first Monday of September.

Unfortunately, simply shifting the holiday to a different spot on the calendar left folks with nothing to celebrate on the first day of May. The solution? How about the one-two punch of Law Day and Loyalty Day? Yes, that’s right, in the late 50’s, Republican President Dwight “Ike” Eisenhower and his Republican-led Congress created these two (count’em!) brand spanking new holidays to take people’s minds off the central role labor has played in human progress over the years!

Of course, the above covers the “Red Root” (Labor) version of May Day. There exists another, “Green Root” (Pagan) version of the holiday, related to the sex-heavy Celtic festival of Beltane and the somewhat less sexy Germanic festival of Walpurgis Night (which is named after a Saint, after all). Some of the more hard-core versions of this European celebration were done away with after Christianization, but surviving traditions usually involve dancing around a Maypole – representative of either a Sacred Tree or a giant phallus, depending on who you ask – and other fertility-related activities, such as presenting gifts of flowers to loved ones. Beltane, specifically, involves ritual purification through fire, and if you've seen the The Wicker Man (1973), you already know how much fun that can be.

ALSO ON THIS DAY

On this day in 1776, a Jesuit-trained Bavarian philosopher by the name of Adam Weishaupt adopts the name Spartacus and establishes a secret society which he dubs the Order of Perfectibilists, more popularly known as the Illuminati. Both Weishaupt and his long-defunct organization remain as poorly understood today as they were by their contemporaries, a point underscored by the fact that Thomas Jefferson counted himself an unabashed admirer.

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On this day in 1863, the Confederate Congress passes a resolution declaring no Black Union soldiers may be taken prisoner. Instead, all Black soldiers are to be shot on sight. And yet, some people still try to make believe the Civil War was about "state's rights," and had nothing to do with the institution of slavery. Go figure!

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On this day in 1915, the RMS Lusitania departs from New York City for her 222nd – and final – crossing of the Atlantic. Six days later, a torpedo launched from a German submarine would sink her off the coast of Ireland, killing twelve hundred. 128 of the dead were Americans, which caused an about-face in the US population’s doggedly non-interventionist stance vis-à-vis the Great War. Within months, Americans would be dying in their thousands in the hideous, Satanic meat-grinder of trench warfare, ostensibly to avenge the deaths of those unlucky dozens.

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On this day in 1930, the Solar System’s ninth planet is saddled with the decidedly Hellish name Pluto, borrowed from the Greek Lord of the Underworld. Upon their discoveries, Pluto’s moons would be given the similarly Stygian monikers Charon, Nix and Hydra. Who makes these decisions?!

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On this day in 1945 a German newsreader announces that Adolf Hitler has "fallen at his command post in the Reich Chancellery fighting to the last breath against Bolshevism and for Germany.” 

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On this day in 1948, The "Democratic People's Republic of Korea" – a.k.a. North Korea – is established by “Great Leader” Kim Il-sung. Folks, you couldn't pack more irony into a single sentence if you tried. Today, 75 years and two generations of despotism later, North Korea retains its title as quite possibly the single most fucked up nation on a planet that is known for being home to some incredibly fucked up nations.

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On this day in 1956, the polio vaccine developed by Jonas Salk is made available to the public. And we all lived happily ever after.

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On this day in 1960, a Lockheed U-2 spy-plane being piloted by American Francis Gary Powers is shot down over the Soviet Union. Powers survives by ejecting, and his U-2 glides to a soft crash-landing that leaves it frustratingly intact, allowing the Soviets to learn everything about the plane's structure and abilities when they pick it apart. Powers is interrogated for months, then forced to confess to espionage. He was sentenced to 10 years hard labor at a Soviet work camp, but ended up serving less than 8 months before being sent back to the USA in a spy-swap. After a different kind of rough landing back home (he was interrogated by hostile officials from the CIA, Pentagon, a few Senate committees and even Lockheed!), Powers continued his aviation career until 1977, when he died while heroically ditching his helicopter rather than risk a crash-landing in a field where children were playing..

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On this day, in 1986, Russia finally tells the rest of the world about the nuclear accident at Chernobyl… five days after what was at that time the worst meltdown in the history of nuclear power. Much to the delight of the Ukrainian Tourism Bureau, “Fukushima” is poised to replace “Chernobyl” as short-hand for “FUBAR Nuclear No-Go-Zone”.

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And, finally, on this day in 2003, Americans celebrate "Mission Accomplished Day" when Preznit Dubya appears before a cheering crowd of soldiers on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln in full padded-crotch regalia to declare that "major combat operations in Iraq have ended.” Sadly, nothing could have been further from the truth.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 9

"Read Free or DIE!!!" The first ever tax-supported public library opens its doors in Peterborough, New Hampshire on this day in 1833.

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On this day in 1860, a French fellow by the name of Édouard-Léon Scott de Martinville makes the oldest known recording of an audible human voice - his own, singing Au Clair de la Lune, very slowly - on a machine of his own devising, which he christened the Phonautograph Machine! You can listen to this brief but creepy echo from the far, distant past here, on the machine's Wikipedia page.

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On this day in 1865, after four years of bloody combat that left 600,000 dead, Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrenders the Army of Northern Virginia to Ulysses S. Grant at the Appomattox Courthouse in Virginia. This effectively ends the American Civil War. Today, many revisionists try to argue that the Civil War wasn't about slavery - either the practice at it had evolved in the South, or its expansion into the newly developing Western states. Anybody who tries to argue this point is either pathetically ignorant of history or a bald-faced liar, and anything they have to say about any topic can therefore be dismissed as a-historical balderdash and/or right-wing propaganda.

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On this day in 1992, a U.S. federal court finds former Panamanian dictator and notorious, CIA asset, and Bush Crime Family crony Manuel Noriega guilty of drug and racketeering charges. Sentenced to 30 years in prison, Noriega was ultimately extradited to France in 2010, where he was tried for money laundering, and then back home to Panama in 2011, where he was tried over the murder of a domestic political challenger, and where he remains behind bars to this day.

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On this day in 2003, the world first learns that Patient Zero in the SARS pandemic just happened to fly on seven different planes to six different international locations in the span of six fucking days just two weeks earlier. He flew from Hong Kong to Munich on March 30, then flew to Barcelona where, according to authorities, he began developing symptoms. Undaunted, he hopped another plane to Frankfurt, then switched off and flew to London (same day, different plane). The day after that, he flew to Munich, then headed back to Frankfurt, again on a different plane. Eventually, he made his way back to Hong Kong, where he checked into a hospital and was confirmed to have SARS. Regarding these suspiciously ostentatious travel habits, authorities said: "He travels a lot." In other words: "Move along, nothing to see here."

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On this day in the year 2003, after the application of a little "Shock and Awe" by the "Coalition of the Willing", the city of Baghdad falls to advancing American forces. In the center of the city, a statue of Saddam Hussein is pulled down in what the mainstream media described as regular, everyday Iraqis turning on symbols of their former leader. In fact, that's still the way Wikipedia portrays those events. In reality, however, even the Pentagon was forced to admit that the whole thing was a stage-managed psychological operation. Oh well, it might have been a Big Lie, but at least it ended the war!

I'm kidding, of course. Because even though Preznit Dubya and all the bought-and-paid-for whores in the right-wing military/industrial/media propaganda complex declared victory, in reality, the war in Iraq had barely just begun. Ten years, six thousand dead Americans, a hundred times that many dead Iraqis and over a TRILLION wasted dollars later, the only undeniable truth about the war in Iraq. is that it was a wasteful, Satanic enterprise built upon a foundation of propaganda, forgery, and lies. There was no valid ethical, moral or legal justification for it, no matter how "easy" the task might have seemed back in the early days of what would ultimately turn out to be a completely Pyrrhic victory.

THE PARADOX OF POLAR BEARS

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ON THIS DAY IN PARAPOLITICAL HISTORY - MAY 2

May 2

On this day in 1536, England's Queen Anne Boleyn - consort to King Henry VIII (who destroyed the Catholic Church in England just to be with her), and mother of the woman who would go on to become the hugely influential Queen Elizabeth I (last of England's Tudor royals) - is arrested and imprisoned in the Tower of London on charges of adultery, incest, treason and witchcraft. She would be found guilty of all charges and beheaded 19 days later. Ah... fickle fate!

On this day in 1670, King Charles II of England grants a permanent charter to the Hudson's Bay Company to open up the fur trade in North America. That's right... a permanent charter. In fact, there's a whole whack of information about Hudson's Bay Co. that seems ripe for parapolitical exploration.

On this day in 1808, the people of Madrid rise up in rebellion against French occupation, prompting Goya to memorialize the event in his painting The Second of May 1808.

On this day in 1816, German/Belgian royal Léopold de Saxe-Coburg marries Princess Charlotte Augusta of Wales, thus initiating the "royal" Saxe-Coburg Gotha bloodline - name-changed to "Windsor" in England around the time of the Great War, due to anti-German sentiment - that has ruled much of the "free" world over the last century-and-a-half.

On this day in 1933, Adolf Hitler bans trade unions in Germany.

On this day, not one but two ultra-right-wing American lunatics kick the bucket. In 1957, Senator Joe McCarthy, of Red Scare II infamy, dies of multiple health problems exacerbated by alcohol and general mean-spiritedness. In 1972, J. Edgar Hoover - whose abuses of power make Joe McCarthy's seem almost adorable by comparison - dies when his own shriveled black heart finally realizes exactly the type of vile creature its beats had helped to sustain over the years before giving up in disgust. Oh, and by the way... from Little Rock to organized crime, he also pretty much sucked at his job.

On this day in 1998, the European Central Bank is founded in Brussels in order to define and execute the European Union's monetary policy. So far, it seems to be working out just fine.

On this day in 2000, President Bill Clinton announces that super-accurate GPS technology would no longer be restricted to the United States military, paving the way for some very interesting and useful consumer technology... as well as the allowing for the propagation of a technology that will eventually facilitate the more perfect tracking of pretty much every single citizen in our rapidly evolving Surveillance State.

And, finally, on this day in 2011, Americans celebrate “Mission Accomplished Day – Part II” when President Barack Obama announces that Osama bin Laden, the evil genius mastermind behind the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, had been found, then killed, in full-throttle action-movie style by SEAL Team Six in Abbottabad, Pakistan! Of course, he couldn't show us Osama's corpse, because it was dumped at sea in an undisclosed location, in accordance with some kind of Muslim religious doctrine that nobody's ever heard of before. And of course, they couldn't show us any photographic evidence of his death, because that would have been disrespectful to one of the worst alleged mass-murderers in the history of mass-murder... right? I mean, it's not like there's anything fishy about all this... right? Right?!

"A MEMO TO SENATOR OBAMA"

From Newsweek Magazine, May 24, 2008.

"ZOMG DA SEE-EYE-AYE MIGHTA KNOWN ABOUT DA NINE-WUN-WUN!"

This article is the very definition of the expression "limited hangout", and is insulting to the intelligence of all who read it.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT "TROLL" ON YOUR BLOG...

THIS DAY IN PARAPOLITICAL HISTORY - APRIL 22

On April 22 in the year 1864, Congress passes the Coinage Act, which mandates that, from that day forward, all United States currency should be inscribed with the motto: "In God We Trust." Which God, exactly, is a matter still up for debate.

On this day in the year 1912, the first issue of Pravda, the voice of the Bolsheviks in the soon-to-be Soviet Union, is published in Saint Petersburg. Seeing as this was in pre-revolutionary Russia, the tone of discourse and the level of philosophical rhetoric was pretty elevated. The comics section, however, was just sad.

On this day in the year 1954, live television coverage of witness testimony during the Congressional Army-McCarthy Hearings begins...as does the Red Scare, in earnest.

On this day in the year 1970, the first ever Earth Day is celebrated... by PAGANS!!!

On this day in the year 2000, absolutely nobody is hurt when 6-year-old Elián González is rescued from the clutches of his celebrity-craving relatives' home in Miami, Florida, after a lightning raid by federal agents... the SAVAGES!!!

On this day in 2010, British Petroleum's Deepwater Horizon oil rig sinks to the bottom of the Gulf Of Mexico after suffering a blowout two days previous. This precipitates the largest oil spill in U.S. history... and we've already all but forgotten about it.

And, finally, it was on this day in the year 2011 that you finally learned the difference between England, Great Britain and the United Kingdom, by watching the video, below...

THE ILLUSION OF INTERNET ACTIVISM - MUST WATCH!

THIS DAY IN PARAPOLITICAL HISTORY - APRIL 20

On this day in 1939, Adolf Hitler's 50th birthday is celebrated as a national holiday in Nazi Germany. Six years later, in 1945, Hitler makes his final trip to the surface of the Fuehrerbunker in order to award Iron Crosses to boy soldiers of the Hitler Youth. After returning underground, he would never resurface alive.

On this day in 1968, English C/conservative politician Enoch Powell -- who looks like a Monty Python parody of an English C/conservative politician -- makes his controversial "Rivers of Blood" speech, in which he claims that "in 15 or 20 years time, the black man will have the whip hand over the white man", and that allowing immigration from "colored" lands was like "watching a nation busily engaged in heaping up its own funeral pyre." The following video is a documentary about the speech, its ramifications and legacy.

On this day in 1978, Soviet fighter jets open fire on Korean Air Flight 902, killing two passengers and forcing an emergency landing on a frozen lake. The Soviet government claimed that the plane, which had invaded Soviet airpace, had not replied to requests for indentification, but Korean Air released tapes that showed the pilots had, indeed, identified themselves.

On this day in 1998, the left-wing German terrorist group Red Army Faction, also known as Baader-Meinhof, announces its dissolution after 28 years. Seeing as most of the terrorist attacks attributed to them (and many other left-wing European groups) were actually committed under the aegis of Gladio, a clandestine fascist remnant, they needn't really have bothered. This documentary is a good starting point if you want to understand the truth about the evolution of Western Civilization in the latter half of the 20th century.

On this day in 1999, the Columbine High School massacre occurs when psychopharmaceutically saturated high school nihilists Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold kill 12 classmates and one teacher -- injuring 24 others -- before committing suicide in Jefferson County, Colorado. To this day, eye-witnesses claim there was a third shooter, and compelling evidence supports this assertion.

ENEMIES OF THE REPUBLIC DOSSIER #001: BILL O'REILLY

In yer old pal Jerky's opinion, Bill O'Reilly is one of the most inscrutable, mysterious players on the contemporary politico-socio-cultural stage.

On the one hand, he's clearly a ridiculous ass-clown. He's a thuggish, pompous, preening caricature of a human being; a living illustration of conservatism's warped ideal of manliness. A know-nothing know-it-all, his clumsy lies -- which he mostly spits out off the cuff for fear of having his encyclopaedic ignorance exposed -- crumble under a bare minimum of scrutiny. He's a living paradox; a sexual predator who masquerades as an upstanding moralist, and an arrogant, slander-spewing bully whose own ego is of such crystalline fragility that any criticism directed towards him -- no matter how mild or undeniable -- is grounds for launching all out war.

In these wars, O'Reilly uses every weapon at his disposal. His prime-time perch on FOX News, his nationally syndicated, three-hour daily radio broadcast, his many books and his various newspaper columns have all served as ordnance in his personal battles against a host of blood enemies, including the dastardly likes of Al Franken, Keith Olbermann, the nation of France, people who say "Season's Greetings" instead of "Merry Christmas", and the very concept of Truth, itself.

And yet, despite all the times he's been exposed as a liar and a hypocrite, despite every failed frivolous lawsuit, despite every dark threat of physical retribution, despite every time he's come off as an unhinged psychopath on the edge of total mental collapse... there he is, day after day, night after night, occupying acre upon acre of prime real estate on our TV screens, radio airwaves and bookstore shelves.

The question begged is: WHY?! What possible purpose could it serve to have such a contemptible, shameless buffoon as one of the conservative movement's preeminent media personalities? Nobody with a shred of common sense or a modicum of human dignity takes Bill O'Reilly seriously. They can't, because he won't let them. O'Reilly swallows up all of conservatism's alleged character strengths and vomits them back up as perverse parodies of what they once were. Resoluteness becomes pig-headed obstinacy. Loyalty becomes blind obedience. Stoicism becomes shrill victimhood. Individualism becomes meddlesome pecksniffery. It's almost like FOX News is using O'Reilly as the human equivalent of one of those signs you see at the entrance to carnival rides: "You must be THIS STUPID to believe this shit."

Maybe that's it. Maybe by being so intolerably awful, O'Reilly and his ilk are helping to winnow the truth-hungry wheat from the unquestioning, herd-like chaff. Studies have shown that FOX News watchers know less about current events than people who don't follow the news at all. This apparent contradiction makes sense only if the purpose of FOX News isn't to inform, but to indoctrinate. And as the house organ of The Powers That Be, that's exactly what they're doing. They're leading by example, providing ready-made role-models for the day -- and if TPTB have their way, that day is coming soon -- when all those mindless, nihilistic couch-potatoes are called upon to serve as the citizen spies, conformity enforcers and concentration camp guards of tomorrow.

So you'd better get used to Bill O'Reilly's smug, blotchy face, because unless some drastic changes take place, it's the face of your future.

TEA PARTY SEMINAR: HOW TO FAKE A GRASSROOTS MOVEMENT ONLINE

Click PLAY on this video, then keep reading...

The young man in the video above -- a Tea Party activist who, in this video, is training other would-be Tea Party activists -- represents the new breed of foot-soldier in the Conservative Movementarian War against facts, against reason, against honesty, against decency, against common sense and against fair play. 

This war is being waged because all of these attributes and factors tend to work against conservative arguments, beliefs and ideals. The young man all but admits as much in this video. So, what do Conservative Movementarians use instead? Simply listing the opposites of the above-mentioned "Enemies of the Conservative Movement" yields intriguing results. 

Let's see... instead of facts, they've got anecdotes. For instance, say all your arguments for doing away with welfare are proven false by the statistics around the issue. What do you do? Yell loudly about "Cadillac-driving Welfare Queens!!!"

Instead of reason, they've got blind faith. For instance, can't think of a good rational reason to hate gay people? Well then, just point to those parts in the Bible where GOD says to hate gay people! "It's in the BAH-bull!!! Yew ain't gunnah tell me yew don't buh-leev thuh BAH-bull, are yuh?! It's thuh ruh-veeled WURD o' GAWD!!!"

Instead of honesty, they've got lies. Ahem... Rush Limbaugh. Bill O'Reilly. Glenn Beck. Case closed.

Instead of decency, they've got thuggish, bully-boy tactics. It would take a thousand blogs like this one to list just a small fraction of the incidents of conservative violence over the last few decades. And, of course -- just like school-yard bullies and inveterate hypocrites -- they are HUGE whiners, complaining loudly and repeatedly via their community's massive and growing propaganda-spreading media networks whenever someone subjects one of them to the tiniest fraction of the abuse that they heap on their adversaries on a daily basis..

Instead of common sense, they've got bought-and-paid-for "skeptics". 

Instead of fair play, they cheat. The 2000 presidential election. The 2002 mid-term election. The 2004 presidential election. The 2006 mid-terms. All either stolen outright or subject to rampant Conservative Movement tampering and cheating.

All of which begs the question... WHY do conservatives do these things? Why do they use these tactics? They do so because, in the fractured model of reality that they've put together in their twisted minds, it is absolutely imperative that they win... at all costs, and by any means necessary. 

Whether it's by rigging elections, blackmailing political opponents or framing them for crimes they didn't commit. Or, hell, even tampering with brake-lines, small planes, or the minds of easily-manipulated loners who can then be MKUltra'd into committing history-changing assassinations on behalf of the New World Order Powers That Be, using techniques evolved from those of their Third Reich predecessors...

But these are all topics for another day. For the time being, I would just like for everyone to watch the video above, and then ask yourself if it doesn't explain a few things that have been going on around here, recently...

THIS DAY IN PARAPOLITICAL HISTORY - APRIL 11

On April 11 in the year 1775, for the last time on European soil, an individual found guilty of the crime of witchcraft is killed in an official, state-sanctioned execution, in Germany.

On this day in 1868, shogun Tokugawa Yoshinobu surrenders Edo Castle to Imperial forces, marking the end of Japan's shogun era and the beginning of the Meiji Restoration. This development came about partly because, after American Commodore Matthew Perry showed up in Japan accompanied by an impressive fleet of technologically advanced warships, Japanese elites collectively freaked out. They hatched a plan to get rid of the samurai class and the feudal, agrarian system over which they presided and replace it with a more forward-thinking oligarchy, headed up by a hereditary figurehead, the aforementioned Emperor Meiji. In less than half a century, the combination of rapid cultural change, techno-fetishism, the sublimation of a disgruntled samurai remnant and increasingly obsessive Emperor worship would lead to some of the most unfortunate chapters in the history of all mankind.

On this day in 1876, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks is first organized. They remain one of the leading fraternal orders in the United States, with over one million dues-paying members.

On this day in 1951, less than four months after its theft from Westminster Abbey by Scottish nationalist university students, the Stone of Scone is discovered hidden beneath the altar of Arbroath Abbey in Scotland. The origins of the so-called "Stone of Destiny", which played a minor role in the recent film The King's Speech, is shrouded in mystery. Some claim that it dates back to Antiquity, or even that it is the legendary "Stone of Jacob", the rock upon which the biblical patriarch was resting his head when he was delivered a "divine revelation" from Jehovah, as detailed in the Book of Genesis. But it's probably just a rock.

On this day in 1961, the trial of fugitive Nazi technocrat Adolf Eichmann begins in Jerusalem. After World War II, Eichmann had fled to Argentina under an assumed name, where he worked for Mercedes-Benz until he was identified, located, then kidnapped by the Mossad, who brought him to Israel to stand trial for his central role in organizing the Holocaust. He was found guilty and hanged in 1962, the only person ever to be executed in Israel based on the findings of a civilian court.

On this day 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act into existence, prohibiting discrimination in the sale, rental, and financing of housing to individuals based on their race. At the time, pondering the effect this might have on voters in the formerly Democratic-leaning South, Johnson is said to have said: "We've lost them for a generation." It turns out he was way too optimistic.

This day in 2001 saw the ignominious conclusion to the Hainan Island Incident, the first real crisis of Preznit Dubya's heart-breaking White House career. On April Fools Day, an American spy plane had to make an emergency landing on a Chinese island after being bumped out of the sky by a Chinese fighter jet. It was on this day, ten days later, that the 24 American crew members were released by the Chinese government, but not before the White House issued a groveling apology, which they preferred to characterize as "an expression of regret and sorrow" over the death of the Chinese driver... I mean pilot. A coincidence of note is that the American aircraft was a Navy EP-3E ARIES II signals intelligence aircraft, and the incident took place while the sun was in the Zodiac House of Aries. Aries is ruled by the planet Mars, God of War.

And, finally -- last but definitely not least -- on this day in 2002, an attempted coup d'état takes place in Venezuela, resulting in the temporary ouster of President Hugo Chávez. If you relied on Western media to inform you about those infuriating, exasperating, incredibly inspiring days, then you have no idea what happened. I strongly urge you to give your undivided attention to the documentary, The Revolution Will Not Be Televised, embedded below. It's one of the most important documents ever produced in terms of its revelations about the the true nature, focus and direction of American policy towards Latin America. Just watch it. From beginning to end. I'm serious. It will infuriate you, and you will never forget the lesson it teaches.

THIS DAY IN PARAPOLITICAL HISTORY

On April 9 in the year 2003, after the application of a little "Shock and Awe" by the Coalition of the Willing, the city of Baghdad falls to advancing American forces. In the center of the city, a statue of Saddam Hussein is pulled down in what the mainstream media described as regular, everyday Iraqis turning on symbols of their former leader. In fact, that's still the way Wikipedia portrays those events. In reality, however, even the Pentagon was forced to admit that the whole thing was a stage-managed psychological operation. Oh well, it might have been a Big Lie, but at least it ended the war!

WORD GAMES: DETECTING AND DISSECTING PROPAGANDA

A few years back, Republican political consultant and pollster Frank Luntz (rhymes with "cunts")  published a massive "how to" tome instructing his clients on the art of propaganda through linguistic hijacking. Of particular interest was the book's appendix, entitled The Fourteen Words Never To Use, which was a document Luntz originally prepared for Congressional spouses, in order that they might, quote: "STOP saying words and phrases that undermine your ability to educate the American people."

The following is yer old pal Jerky's analysis and critique of Luntz's work.

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Forbidden Word: "Government"
Luntzian Alternative: "Washington"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: The geographic location of the nation's capital city is inconsequential. The American government is made up of its elected officials and bureaucrats, not its office buildings and monuments.
Daily Dirt Alternative: "The Powers That Be"

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Forbidden Word: "Privatization/Private Accounts"
Luntzian Alternative: "Personalization/Personal Accounts"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Conservatives only stopped calling their ridiculous Social Security scheme "privatization" late last year when polling showed that the American people were dead-set against it. Now, they insist that everyone follow their nomenclatural lead or be attacked as liberal-biased obstructionist saboteurs. But there's nothing "personal" about handing over federally-collected funds to private, for-profit investment gamblers whose only guarantee is that they'll take their cut whether you win or lose, and use a percentage of their earnings to bribe more politicians to pass more bad legislation to put even more money into their already overflowing pockets.
Daily Dirt Alternative: "Lock Box Looting"

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Forbidden Word: "Foreign Trade"
Luntzian Alternative: "International Trade"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: What's the fucking difference?!
Daily Dirt Alternative: "Bargain Hunting"

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Forbidden Word: "Health Care choice"
Luntzian Alternative: "The Right to Choose"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Again, I have to ask… what's the fucking difference?!
Daily Dirt Alternative: "H.M.O.B.S."

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Forbidden Word: "Drilling for oil"
Luntzian Alternative: "Exploring for energy"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: The only way Luntz's clients want to "explore" is in a downward direction, through the Earth's crust, with a diamond-tipped drill bit. And the only "energy" they're interested in is the combustible dinosaur soup us simple folk call "oil." So let's put away the fucking Thesaurus, shall we?
Daily Dirt Alternative: "Raping Mother Nature's Asshole"

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Forbidden Word: "Tort Reform"
Luntzian Alternative: "Lawsuit Abuse Reform"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: According to the Constitution, the responsibility of determining whether or not a lawsuit constitutes abuse of the legal system falls upon a jury of the litigant's peers. The Republican obsession with tort reform can thus be seen in its proper context as a natural extension of the broader conservative contempt for the American people.
Daily Dirt Alternative: "Pre-emptive Absolution"

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Forbidden Word: "Trial Lawyer"
Luntzian Alternative: "Predatory Personal Injury Lawyer"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: See above.
Daily Dirt Alternative: "A Necessary Evil"

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Forbidden Word: "Corporate Transparency"
Luntzian Alternative: "Corporate Accountability"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Without transparency, true accountability is impossible. Unless, of course, you're willing to take Bernie Madoff at his word.
Daily Dirt Alternative: "Transparent Accountability"

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Forbidden Word: "School Choice"
Luntzian Alternative: "Parental Choice/Equal Opportunity in Education"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Parents are already free to send their kids to private schools, religious indoctrination schools or hippie "alternative" schools if they so choose. They can even teach their kids at home if they want, despite this practice often leading to nervous breakdowns and the occasional bathtub murder. But taking cash out of the already under-funded public education system to bankroll the efforts of those who want to protect their children from "indoctrination" (by indoctrinating them in a different way) constitutes the polar fucking opposite of equal opportunity in education.
Daily Dirt Alternative: "Faith-based Kickbacks"

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Forbidden Word: "Tax Reform"
Luntzian Alternative: "Tax Simplification"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Whenever conservatives talk about simplifying the tax code, what they really mean is the elimination of taxes on anything other than goods, services and labor income. That the simplest taxation methods -- the flat tax, a national sales tax, etc -- happen to be the easiest for wealthy Republican donors to circumvent is surely no coincidence. Everybody's gotta buy food and clothing. Only the chosen few earn capital gains.
Daily Dirt Alternative: "Vertical Wealth Shift"

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Forbidden Word: "Inheritance/Estate Tax"
Luntzian Alternative: "The Death Tax"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Even the wealthiest dead cannot be taxed. On the other hand, the inheritors of their estates can, and should, be taxed at a far greater rate than they currently are. America was never meant to become a den of dynastic, hereditary elites. Cream rises of its own accord.
Daily Dirt Alternative: "The Paris Hilton Toll"

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Forbidden Word: "Globalization"
Luntzian Alternative: "Free Market Economy"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: Luntz's disdain for his fellow citizens here is radiant. Americans don't like globalization, he claims, not because they can follow its inexorable logic after having suffered the already dire consequences of its inglorious beginnings, but because it "represents something big, something distant and something foreign." The poor dumb sheep are simply afraid, you see. And, like little children recoiling at the sight of an immunization needle, their fear renders them incapable of deciding what's best for them.
Daily Dirt Alternative: "Third-Worldification"

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Forbidden Word: "Outsourcing"
Luntzian Alternative: "Taxation, Regulation, Litigation Innovation, Education"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: When confronted with a no-win topic, what should the smart Republican do? Change the subject! Instead of defending or pledging to curb the shipping of American jobs overseas, he should urge his questioners to help elect him so that he may do everything in his power to make America a more attractive place for American companies to do business, like China, Indonesia and Haiti.
Daily Dirt Alternative: "Economic Treason"

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Forbidden Word: "Undocumented Workers/Immigration Reform"
Luntzian Alternative: "Illegal Aliens/Border Security"
Why the Alternative is Bullshit: If it wasn't for the greedy elite practice of reverse outsourcing -- importing so-called guest workers to do back-breaking labor for less than minimum wage -- this might be more of a legitimate concern. In any case, giving Texas back to Mexico would likely have an extremely salutary effect upon the national character, and should be gotten over with sooner than later.
Daily Dirt Alternative: "Aztlan Repopulation"

(originally published in the Daily Dirt some time in 2005, with minor changes for this repeat- YOPJ)