PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 7

On this day in 1927, in San Francisco, inventor Philo Farnsworth first demonstrates his most wide-spread and world-altering invention, the Television Set! Few people know that Farnsworth's Imago-Visor (as the TV was originally supposed to be called) was an accidental by-product of the legendary inventor's attempt to build a device that could sterilize "the lower races."

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On this day in the year 1981, Judge Joseph Wapner berates his first set of knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers on the premiere episode of that ubiquitous television touch-stone: The People's Court. Meanwhile, as Wapner rages, Doug Lewellyn waits for his moment in the spotlight while a stylist secures his boufant hair-helmet with a sturdy chin-strap.

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On this day in 1999, Allan Funt, the creator of Candid Camera, passes away at the ripe old age of 84. Candid Camera, which caught regular people in embarrassing, staged situations via hidden camera, was the first ever reality-based, non-news television show. Ultimately, however, yer old pal Jerky believes Funt will be fondly remembered as the only celebrity who's name rhymed with cunt.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 6

On this day in 1901, anti-statist anarchist Leon Czolgosz (pronounced: "Czolgosz") walks up to President William McKinley at Buffalo's Pan-American Exposition, extends his hanky-covered hand as if in offer to shake, then squeezes off two rounds at point blank range. When Secret Service agents grab Czolgosz and start beating the living snot out of him, gentlemanly McKinley looks up from his stretcher and declares: "Don't let them hurt him... Be easy with him, boys!" Eight days later, despite his hearty "recovery diet" of raw eggs and whiskey, the popular President dies of a kidney infection caused by the bullet that had ripped through his gut. His Vice President, the maverick Teddy Roosevelt, takes over in the first year of McKinley's second term. Two months after that, Czolgosz rides the lightning to a meeting with his maker. His last words: "I am not sorry for my crime."

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On this day in 1966, the science fiction show Star Trek makes its network television debut on NBC, giving thousands of obsessive, sexless, anal-retentive feebs a reason not to slit their wrists.

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On this day in the year 2000, government authorities see fit to inform we plebes that asteroid 2000QW7 had just hurtled within a cosmic pussy-hair of planet Earth... four days after the near-miss! Making matters worse, the Disneyland-sized space rock was first spotted by astronomers a mere SIX DAYS before it's passing! So... how close did we come to witnessing an end to civilization - or even perhaps an end to all LIFE as we know it? British scientist Lembit Opik - organizer of an international co-operative effort to counter the global threat posed by asteroids - answers that question thusly: "It is as if someone had thrown a marble at you across a tennis court and missed your head by the width of your hand."

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 5

On this day in 1972, Arab terrorists wearing track sweats climbed the fence surrounding the Olympic Village in Munich. Just before suppertime, they knocked on the door of Israeli wrestling coach Moshe Weinberg. He realized something was wrong and shouted a warning, but he and weightlifter Joseph Romano were killed when they attempted to block the door. The Arabs then succeeded in rounding up nine Israelis to hold as hostages.

At 9:30, the terrorists announced that they were Palestinians and demanded that Israel release 200 Arab prisoners and that the terrorists be given safe passage out of Germany. After hours of tense negotiations, the Palestinians, who it was later learned belonged to a PLO faction called Black September, agreed to a plan whereby they and their hostages would be flown to Cairo. 

At the airport, German sharpshooters attempted to kill the terrorists. A firefight erupted and quickly ended in a stalemate. Then, almost an hour later, one of the helicopters holding the Israelis was blown up by a terrorist grenade. 

At three in the morning, it was left to American sports announcer Jim McKay to inform the world, with a simple dignity that resonates to this day: "They're all gone."

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 4

After 30 years spent fighting the white man who had invaded his homeland, legendary Apache Geronimo finally surrendered in Arizona on this day in 1886. The fierce, vengeance-driven warrior's surrender was peaceful, as he simply looked at the numbers, weighed the odds and decided that further resistance was futile.

Between his surrender and the time of his death, twenty three years would pass. In those years, Geronimo - whose Apache name was Goyalkla - served time in jail, then moved to Oklahoma, converted to Christianity, farmed a homestead, and occasionally worked for the United States Army as a scout.

At the dawning of the 20th century, during those final, dying days of the "frontier" West, a great nostalgia was already brewing for those "simpler" times and the binary ethics they necessitated. Already aware that the ferocity of Geronimo's early career was partly due to the massacre of his wife and children by Mexican soldiers, the American public showed themselves willing to forgive his role in the killings of hundreds of white settlers, militiamen, and cavalry. In his old age, he made a good living touring world's fairs, and he even rode in President Theodore Roosevelt's inaugural parade in 1905. He died in 1909.

In 1918, less than ten years after his death, Geronimo's skull was stolen from its tomb during a grave-robbing expedition by Prescott Bush - Nazi-bankrolling father to "41" and grandfather to "43" - as a morale-boosting stunt for the Skull and Bones Society he belonged during his time at Yale.

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On this day in the year 1618, a massive avalanche destroys the entire town of Plurs, Switzerland, leaving 1,500 dead. On the plus side, the snow-packed corpses couldn't rot, so they were real easy to handle during the recovery operation.

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On this day in 1988, heavyweight boxing champ and noted cannibal-rapist Mike Tyson crashes his silver BMW into a tree, then beats the sap out of it.

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Congratulations and Happy Birthday to Nyota Uhura, born in Nairobi, Kenya on this day in 2179! Uhura would eventually become the first black female communications officer to serve in Starfleet, manning the helm of the legendary Starship Enterprise (NC-17740), where she managed to avoid the priapic advances of the equally legendary Starship Captain James T. Kirk!

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On this day in 1972, American swimmer Mark Spitz becomes the first athlete to win seven Olympic gold medals during a single Olympics. What most people don't know, however, is that two of those gold medals were awarded to his sexy moustache!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 3

On this day in 1752, absolutely nothing happened because this day doesn't exist. And neither do the next 10 days. You see, when the English-speaking world decided to adopt the Gregorian Calendar (which we're still using today), all the days between the 3rd and the 14th of September had to be skipped, in order to catch up. People were so freaked out -- believing the government had stolen part of their lives somehow -- that there was rioting in the streets. Thankfully, in these more enlightened days of ours, sparking such violent unrest takes something serious. Say, an event on the magnitude of the home team's failure to secure a win in the big game.

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On this day in 301, San Marino, one of the smallest nations in the world and the world's oldest republic still in existence, is founded by Saint Marinus.

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On this day in 1189, Richard I of England (a.k.a. Richard "the Lionheart") is crowned at Westminster.

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On this day in 1260, the Mamluks defeat the Mongols at the Battle of Ain Jalut in Palestine, marking their first decisive defeat and the point of maximum expansion of the Mongol Empire... it was the breaking of the wave, as they say.

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On this day in 1777, during the Battle of Cooch's Bridge, the Flag of the United States is flown in battle for the first time.

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On this day in 1838, future abolitionist Frederick Douglass escapes from slavery.

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On this day in 1855, in Nebraska, 700 soldiers under United States General William S. Harney avenge the Grattan Massacre by attacking a Sioux village and killing 100 men, women and children.

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On this day in 1875, the first official game of Polo is played in Argentina after being introduced by British Ranchers. Overpriced cologne and ugly shirts ensue.

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On this day in 1878, over 640 die when the crowded pleasure boat Princess Alice collides with the Bywell Castle in the River Thames.

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On this day in 1935, Sir Malcolm Campbell reaches a speed of 304.331 miles per hour on the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah, becoming the first person to drive an automobile over 300 mph

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On this day in 1941, Nazi soldier Karl Fritzsch, deputy camp commandant of the Auschwitz concentration camp, experiments with the use of Zyklon B in the gassing of Soviet POWs.

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On this day in 1944, diarist Anne Frank and her family are placed on the last transport train from the Westerbork transit camp to the Auschwitz concentration camp, arriving three days later.

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On this day in the year 1978, Pope John Paul I is officially installed as 264th supreme pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church. Unfortunately for the evil pricks that hand-picked him, John Paul turned out to be smarter and more principled than anyone could have guessed. Right away, he made it his goal to sever all ties between the notorious Sindona and Calvi families and the Vatican Bank, running him afoul of such avoid-at-all-costs organizations as P2, Opus Dei and the mafia. He also made it clear that he would be using his Papal bully pulpit to revise the Church's stance on birth control, pissing off the ultra-conservative College of Cardinals. To people who knew what was going on at the time, John Paul's death -- only a month after his assumption of the Papacy -- was no surprise at all.

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On this day in 1967, people in Sweden begin driving on the right-hand side of road. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 2004, the three-day Beslan school hostage crisis ends with the deaths of over 300 people, more than half of which are children. Anti-Chechen rage boils over throughout Russia.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 2

On this day in 1192, the Treaty of Jaffa was signed between Richard I of England and Saladin, leading to the end of the Third Crusade.

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On this day in 1666, the Great Fire of London breaks out and burns for three days, destroying 10,000 buildings including St Paul's Cathedral.

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On this day in 1752, absolutely nothing happened because this day doesn't exist. And neither do the next 10 days. You see, when the English-speaking world decided to adopt the Gregorian Calendar (which we're still using today), all the days between the 3rd and the 14th of September had to be skipped, in order to catch up. People were so freaked out -- believing the government had stolen part of their lives somehow -- that there was rioting in the streets. Thankfully, in these more enlightened days of ours, sparking such violent unrest takes something serious. Say, an event on the magnitude of the home team's failure to secure a win in the big game.

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On this day in 1806, a massive landslide destroys the town of Goldau, Switzerland, killing 457.

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On this day in 1859, a solar super storm affects electrical telegraph service. If the same storm happened today, under the same circumstances... we'd be royally fucked.

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On this day in 1885, the Rock Springs massacre happens in Rock Springs, Wyoming. 150 White miners, who are struggling to unionize so they could strike for better wages and work conditions, attack their Chinese fellow workers killing 28, wounding 15 and forcing several hundred more out of town.

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On this day in 1935, the Labor Day Hurricane hits the Florida Keys killing 423.

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On this day in 1944, future American President George Herbert Walker "Poppy" Bush had to ditch his burning plane and - thanks to the 30 square yards of hemp fabric strapped to his back - he survived. That's right, you heard right... the parachute that saved President Bush's life was made of marijuana. I tell you what... if yer old pal Jerky had been that parachute, and if he had known about the way Bush would crank up the War On DrugsTM, and if he had known about the horrific mediocrity that was destined to spring from his loins... yer old pal Jerky the parachute would have ripped. By the way, the rest of the crew perished in the crash, and cameras just happened to be on hand to catch the scene. 

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On this day in 1945, Vietnam declares its independence, forming the Democratic Republic of Vietnam. And they all lived happily ever after.

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On this day in 1958, United States Air Force C-130A-II is shot down by fighters over Yerevan in Armenia when it strays into Soviet airspace while conducting a sigint mission. All crew members are killed.

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On this day in 1998, Swissair Flight 111 crashes near Peggys Cove, Nova Scotia. All 229 people on board are killed. Gruesome floating body parts ensue.

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Also on this day in 1998, the UN's International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda finds Jean Paul Akayesu, the former mayor of a small town in Rwanda, guilty of nine counts of genocide. Nine! How can that possibly be?! I didn't even know there were nine different ethnicities in Rwanda! Oh well. I guess if it was gonna happen some place...

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 1

On this day in the year 1939, Germany invades Poland, sparking World War II. Two years later, on this day in 1941, Hitler makes it obligatory for all Jews to wear the yellow star insignia. And, finally, on this day in 1945, three weeks after having two atomic bombs dropped on them, the Japanese officially surrender, finally putting an end to World War II. Nice fucking century we just went through, wasn't it?

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On this day in 1983, Korean Airlines flight KAL 007 from New York to Seoul strays 200 miles off course, bringing it almost directly over a top secret Soviet military base in Kamchatka. Soviet radar technicians suspect the commercial flight might be a spy plane, so they dispatch two fighter jets to intercept. The fighters can't get a response to communication requests, so they launch heat-seekers and shoot it down, sending 269 passengers and crew to a fiery/watery doom in the Sea of Japan. Responding with outrage, President Ronald Reagan declared the Soviets had: "turned against the world and the moral precepts which guide human relations among people everywhere." Five years later, on July 3, 1988, an American warship in the Persian Gulf shoots down an Iranian Airbus 300 carrying 290 civilian passengers, none of whom survive. "I will never apologize for the United States; I don't care what the facts are," said then-presidential candidate George Herbert Walker "Poppy" Bush.

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On this day, in 1985, a French-led submarine expedition discovers the wreckage of the Titanic, fucking up one of the few great mysteries of the Modern age.