PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 5

On this day in the year 2348 B.C., Noah's ark runs aground on Mount Ararat. Yeah… right.

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On this day in 1242, during a battle on the ice of Lake Peipus, Russian forces, led by Alexander Nevsky, rebuff an invasion attempt by the Teutonic Knights.

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On this day in 1614, in Virginia, Native American Pocahontas marries English colonist John Rolfe.

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On this day in 1621, the Mayflower sails from Plymouth on a return trip to England, taking back all the pathetic pussies who couldn't hack life in the New World.

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On this day in 1722, the Dutch explorer Jacob Roggeveen discovers Easter Island.

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On this day in the year 1770, British troops kill five and wound several more after a sentry guard is taunted and pelted with snowballs at the Boston customs building. This event – now called the Boston Massacre – was instrumental in achieving popular support for the American Revolution.

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On this day in 1900, archaeologists in Knossos, Crete, discover a large cache of clay tablets with hieroglyphic writing in a script they call Linear B.

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On this day in 1922, the American Birth Control League, forerunner of Planned Parenthood, is incorporated.

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On this day in 1933, U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signs two executive orders: 6101 to establish the Civilian Conservation Corps, and 6102 "forbidding the Hoarding of Gold Coin, Gold Bullion, and Gold Certificates" by U.S. citizens.

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On this day in 1949, Fireside Theater debuts on television.

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On this day in 1951, Ethel and Julius Rosenberg are sentenced to death for spying for the Soviet Union.

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On this day in 1958, Ripple Rock, an underwater threat to navigation in the Seymour Narrows in Canada is destroyed in one of the largest non-nuclear controlled explosions of the time.

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On this day in 1974, the World Trade Center first opens its doors. At the time, its Twin Towers were the world's tallest buildings… 110 stories high.

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On this day in 1976, in the People's Republic of China, the April Fifth Movement leads to the Tiananmen incident.

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On this day in 1987, upstart network FOX TV fires up its first night of programming, showcasing the proudly stupid sitcom Married With Children, and the proudly brainy sketchcom, The Tracey Ullman Show. Guess which one survived the longest? You know it, dumbass.

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On this day in 1992, Alberto Fujimori, president of Peru, dissolves the Peruvian congress by military force.

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On this day in 1992, the Siege of Sarajevo begins when Serb paramilitaries murder peace protesters Suada Dilberovic and Olga Sučić on the Vrbanja Bridge.

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On this day in 1994, Kurt Cobain decides it's better to burn out than to fade away. Either that, or Courtney paid someone to kill him. At least, that's what her dad says.

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On this day in 1999, two Libyans suspected of bringing down Pan Am flight 103 in 1988 are handed over for eventual trial in the Netherlands.

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On this day in 2009, North Korea launches its controversial Kwangmyŏngsŏng-2 rocket. The satellite passed over mainland Japan, which prompted an immediate reaction from the United Nations Security Council, as well as participating states of Six-party talks.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 4

On this day in 1147, we have the first historical record of Moscow.

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On this day in 1581, Francis Drake is knighted for completing a circumnavigation of the world.

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On this day in 1721, Sir Robert Walpole takes office as the first Prime Minister of the United Kingdom under King George I.

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On this day in 1768, in London, England, Great Britain, Philip Astley stages the first modern circus.

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On this day in 1841, President William Henry Harrison succumbs to pneumonia, thus becoming the first President of the United States to die in office. Harrison only served for one month, most of it bed-ridden, and he still managed to leave a greater legacy than Preznit Dubya.

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Happy Birthday NATO (North Atlantic Treaty Organization), which was signed into existence on this day in 1949.

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On this day in 1964, The Beatles occupy the TOP FIVE positions on the Billboard Hot 100 pop chart.

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On this day in 1967, Martin Luther King, Jr. delivers his "Beyond Vietnam: A Time to Break Silence" speech in New York City's Riverside Church. One year later, on this day in 1968, at 6:01 in the afternoon, the civil rights activist is leaning over the balcony railing of his second-floor room at the Motel Lorraine to speak to his chauffeur, when a slug from a high-powered rifle smashes through his chest, killing him. James Earl Ray is later arrested based on the testimony of Charles Stephens, who refuses to finger Ray until the FBI pays off his $30,000 bar tab, and who originally told police that the man he saw exiting the boarding house bathroom from whence the killshot had come was "a nigger." Click HERE if you're interested in finding out more well-documented weirdness surrounding the assassination of MLK.

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On this day in 1969, the most popular show on TV – The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour – is cancelled by CBS for airing political satire of the politically incorrect variety. Among their crimes, the Brothers dared to invite Pete Seeger, who sang an anti-war song on the air, in Prime Time. Adding insult to injury, the network replaced the vibrant, vital show with... Hee-Haw.

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On this day in 1973, the World Trade Center in New York is officially dedicated.

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The first entry in Winston Smith's diary as depicted in George Orwell's visionary dystopian novel Nineteen-Eighty Four, is written on this day in... you guessed it... 1984. You can read the entire novel online, for free, here.

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On this day in 1991, Senator John Heinz of Pennsylvania and six others are killed when a helicopter collides with their airplane over an elementary school in Merion, Pennsylvania.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 3

On this day in 1783, the governments of Sweden and the United States sign a treaty of Amity and Commerce. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1860, the Pony Express mail service begins with Henry Wallace riding west from Missouri, and John Roff riding east from Sacramento, California. Wallace ends up beating Roff by two days in their criss-crossy race, which spans eighteen hundred miles, and the entire nation's imagination is captured... for about a year and a half. But even though the Pony Express Company folded in October of 1861, its very existence helped inspire the creation of the federal mail service which, to this day, continues such proud traditions as stealing cash from our birthday cards and fomenting disgruntlement amongst the psychopathic loners in their employ.

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On this day in 1868, some crazy Hawaiian fucker surfs a fifty foot tidal wave, the biggest wave ever ridden by a surfer who survived.

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On this day in 1888, the first of eleven unsolved brutal murders of women committed in or near the impoverished Whitechapel district in the East End of London, occurs.

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On this day in 1895, the trial in the libel case brought by Oscar Wilde begins, eventually resulting in his imprisonment on charges of homosexuality.

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On this day in 1922, Joseph Stalin becomes the first General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.

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On this day, in the year 1930, the man formerly known as Ras Tafari becomes Haile Selassie - the Lion of Judah - Emperor of Ethiopia. So put on a Bob Marley CD, light up a fat one, and get to jammin... Ja mon!

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On this day in 1936, Bruno Richard Hauptmann is executed for the kidnapping and death of Charles Augustus Lindbergh, Jr., the baby son of pilot Charles Lindbergh.

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On this day in 1948, President Harry S. Truman signs the Marshall Plan, authorizing $5 billion in aid for 16 countries.

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After Triangle Publications bought up all the biggest regional television listings magazines in America - publications such as TV List, TV Forecast, TV Digest, Television Guide, TV God and The Idiot Box Times - the very first issue of TV Guide is published, nationwide, on this day in 1953. This is back in the day when we all still loved Lucy.

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On this day in 1955, the American Civil Liberties Union announces it will defend Allen Ginsberg's book Howl against obscenity charges.

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On this day in 1968, civil rights champion Martin Luther King Jr. predicts his own demise during the Mountaintop Speech. He would be dead, gunned down while chatting with well-wishers from a Memphis hotel balcony, within 24 hours. His killers have yet to be brought to justice.

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On this day in 1981, the Osborne 1, the first successful portable computer, is unveiled at the West Coast Computer Faire in San Francisco.

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On this day in 1988, Pittsburgh Penguin Mario Lemieux wins the NHL scoring title, putting an end to Wayne Gretzky's remarkable seven year streak, which causes the so-called "Great One" to cry like a freshly-spanked baby.

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On this day in 1996, after an 18-year reign of Luddite terror during which he killed 3 and maimed 29, Ted "the Unabomber" Kaczynski is arrested at his tiny cabin in the Montana wilderness. He was turned in by his brother, who always was a whiny little snitch. On that very same day, an Air Force 737 carrying Clinton administration Commerce Secretary Ron Brown flies into a mountain in Croatia. All 35 passengers and crew perish in the crash, sparking a flurry of conspiracy theories, of both the Negro and conservative variety, that make a whole helluva lot less sense than even the craziest theories about what really happened on 9/11.

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On this day in 2004, Islamic terrorists involved in the 11 March 2004 Madrid attacks are trapped by the police in their apartment and kill themselves.

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On this day in 2008, Texas law enforcement cordons off the FLDS's YFZ Ranch. Eventually 533 women and children will be removed and taken into state custody. This one goes a lot better than the one at Mount Carmel with the Branch Davidians. No kills at all!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 2

On this day in 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de León first sights land in what is now Florida. Claims that he discovered the Fountain of Youth have yet to be confirmed.

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On this day in 1792, the Coinage Act is passed establishing the United States Mint.

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On this day in 1866, President Andrew Johnson officially ends war in Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee and Virginia. He was a few years premature, if you ask yer old pal Jerky.

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On this day in 1902, "Electric Theatre", the first full-time movie theater in the United States, opens in Los Angeles, California. Mass mind-control of the movie going public ensues.

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On this day in 1912, the ill-fated RMS Titanic begins sea trials.

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On this day in 1930, after the mysterious death of Empress Zewditu, Haile Selassie is proclaimed emperor of Ethiopia.

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On this day in 1956, As the World Turns and The Edge of Night premiere on CBS-TV. The two soaps become the first daytime dramas to debut in the 30-minute format.

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On this day in 1972, actor Charlie Chaplin returns to the United States for the first time since being labeled a communist during the Red Scare in the early 1950s.

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On this day in 1973, the launch of the LexisNexis computerized legal research service.

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On this day in 1975, construction of the CN Tower is completed in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. It reaches 553.33 metres (1,815.4 ft) in height, becoming the world's tallest free-standing structure.

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On this day in 1982, seeking to boost national morale, Argentine military dictator Leopoldo Galtieri sends in the troops to invade and capture the Falklands Islands, a British colony located about 300 miles south of the southern tip of the South American continent, home to roughly 1,800 English-speaking sheep farmers and not a whole lot else. Although no British subjects were injured during the invasion, British response was severe. Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher sent out 30 warships, which took several weeks to arrive. By the time it all was over, Britain had lost five ships and 256 lives, and Argentina had lost their only cruiser, as well as 750 lives. Within a year, civilian rule was restored in Argentina. Unfortunately, the same could not be said of England.

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On this day in 1992, in New York, Mafia boss John Gotti is convicted of murder and racketeering and is later sentenced to life in prison. Meanwhile, south of the Mason Dixon line, country singer Wynonna Judd performs her first concert without her mother. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 2004, Islamist terrorists involved in the 11 March 2004 Madrid attacks attempt to bomb the Spanish high-speed train AVE near Madrid; their attack is thwarted.

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On this day in 2005, Pope John Paul II passes away after a long illness, thus setting in motion the elaborate sequence of events that would ultimately culminate with "shock jock" Howard Stern leaving terrestrial radio for the freedom of satellite broadcasting... or something.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 1

On this day in 527, Byzantine Emperor Justin I names his nephew Justinian I, co-ruler and successor to the throne. And that's where we get April Fool's Day from!

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On this day in 528, the daughter of Emperor Xiaoming of Northern Wei was made the "Emperor" as a male heir of the late emperor by Empress Dowager Hu, deposed and replaced by Yuan Zhao the next day; she was the first female monarch in the History of China, but not widely recognized.

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On this day in 1873, the British steamer RMS Atlantic sinks off Nova Scotia, killing 547.

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On this day in 1924, German rabble-rouser Adolf Hitler is sentenced to five years in jail for his participation in the Beer Hall Putsch. He only serves nine months of his sentence, during which time he writes Mein Kampf, explaining his personal philosophy of government. Roughly ten years later, in 1933, the newly-elected Nazi Party organizes a boycott of Jewish-owned businesses in Germany, a precursor to a series of laws that would eventually come to be known as the Holocaust.

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On this day in 1957, the BBC broadcasts the spaghetti tree hoax on its current affairs programme Panorama.

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On this day in 1970, President Richard Nixon signs the Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act into law, requiring the Surgeon General's warnings on tobacco products and banning cigarette advertisements on television and radio in the United States, starting on January 1, 1971.

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How appropriate is it that American Motors chose April Fool's Day, 1970 to introduce their latest model, the Gremlin?

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On this day in 1999, Nunavut is established as a semi-autonomous Canadian territory carved out of the eastern part of the Northwest Territories.

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On this day in 2004, Google announces Gmail to the public.

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On this day in 2011, after protests against the burning of the Quran turn violent, a mob attacks a United Nations compound in Mazar-i-Sharif, Afghanistan, resulting in the deaths of thirteen people, including eight foreign workers.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 31

On this day in 627, Muhammad successfully withstands a siege for 27 days at Medina (Saudi Arabia) by Meccan forces under Abu Sufyan.

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On this day in 1889, the Eiffel Tower is officially opened.

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On this day in 1903, Richard Pearse allegedly makes a powered flight in an early aircraft.

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On this day in 1909, the construction of the ill fated RMS Titanic begins.

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On this day in 1918, the very fabric of timespace is rent asunder when, for the first time ever, Daylight Savings Time goes into effect in the United States of America.

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On this day in 1930, the Motion Pictures Production Code is instituted after a handful of sexless goons suffer nervous breakdowns at the sight of Tarzan and Jane's severely foreshortened loincloths. Thus began a 40-year slump in American cinema that wouldn't snap until... oh, about the time Deep Throat was released.

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On this day in 1958, in the Canadian federal election, the Progressive Conservatives, led by John Diefenbaker, win the largest percentage of seats in Canadian history, with 208 seats of 265.

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On this day in 1959, the 14th Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, crosses the border into India and is granted political asylum.

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On this day in 1985, the first WrestleMania, the biggest wrestling event from the WWE (then the WWF), takes place in Madison Square Garden in New York.

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During this day's entire 24-hour span in the year 1988, not a single second of time elapses during which someone, somewhere, is NOT uttering every indignant carnivore's most favorite catch-phrase:"Where's the beef?!"

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On this day in 1991, former Partridge Family bassist Danny Bonaduce gets into a fist-fight with a transvestite prostitute in Phoenix. The next day, when people asked about his broken nose and black eye, Bonaduce replies: "You should see the other... individual."

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On this day in 1993, actor Brandon Lee, son of martial arts movie legend Bruce Lee, is accidentally killed during the filming of The Crow. Killer box office ensues.

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On this day in 1995, Selena, an American singer, was murdered by her friend and employee of her boutiques Yolanda Saldívar who was embezzling money from the establishments. The event was named "Black Friday" by Hispanics.

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On this day in 1996, chaos errupts at the 25th annual Nabisco Dinah Shore Golf Championship when winner Patty Sheehan refuses to French-kiss the eye-sockets on Dinah's mummified, severed head, as tradition demands.

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The women of Alabama could breathe a contented sigh of relief on this day in 1999, when a District Justice Lynwood Smith strikes down the ridiculous Alabama law banning the sale of vibrators, dildos, penis enlargers and other sex-oriented paraphernalia. Not that it mattered, any. Everybody knows Alabama women have a history of using whatever's handy - beer bottles, Lysol cans, fire extinguishers - whenever the itch strikes their 'nethers.

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On this day in 2004, In Fallujah, Iraq, four American private military contractors working for Blackwater USA, are killed after being ambushed. Their corpses are then burned and strung up in a morbid display. A shocked Anglo-American world recoils in terrified awe at this truly unprecedented display of raw brutality. Fucking hypocrites (see above).

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 30

Jewish scholar Moses Maimonides was born on this day in 1135. He was one of the foremost thinkers of the Middle Ages. Most famous for his tome, "Guide to the Perplexed", in which he attempted to reconcile religious belief and Aristotelian scholasticism. Ah, who am I trying to kid. He's really most famous for being name-dropped in the Simpsons episode where Krusty reunites with his estranged father, the Rabbi Krustofski.

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On this day in 1856, the Treaty of Paris is signed, ending the Crimean War.

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On this day in 1944, Allied bombing raid on Nuremberg. Along the English eastern coast 795 aircraft are dispatched, including 572 Lancasters, 214 Halifaxes and 9 Mosquitos. The bombers meet resistance at the coasts of Belgium and the Netherlands from German fighters. In total, 95 bombers are lost, making it the largest RAF Bomber Command loss of World War II.

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On this day in 1949, a riot breaks out in Austurvöllur square in Reykjavík, when Iceland joins NATO.

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On this day in 1954, the Yonge Street subway line opens in Toronto. It is the first subway in Canada.

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On this day in 1961, the Single Convention on Narcotic Drugs is signed in New York City.

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On this day in 1981, President Ronald Reagan is seriously wounded when John Hinckley Jr. opens fire on him, in the alleged hopes that his sure-to-be-publicized exploits will help him win over the object of his obsession, box-munching thespian Jodie Foster.

Interesting side-note: There is one degree of separation between the Bush family and John Hinckley Junior. John Hinckley Senior was a Texas petroleum entrepreneur who contributed substantial amounts of cash to the elder Bush's political campaign coffers, up to and including GHWB's failed bid for the Republican presidential nomination in 1980. Furthermore, Hinckley scion Scott was scheduled to dine with Bush scion Neil the day after John's unsuccessful attempt on Reagan's life. The dinner date was cancelled, which I guess explains why the mainstream press mostly chose to ignore this incredible jumble of "coincidences."

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 29

On this day in 1632, the treaty of Saint-Germain is signed returning Quebec to French control after the English had seized it in 1629.

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On this day in 1683, Yaoya Oshichi, 15-year-old Japanese girl, burnt at the stake for an act of arson committed due to unrequited love.

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On this day in 1792, King Gustav III of Sweden dies after being shot in the back at a midnight masquerade ball at Stockholm's Royal Opera 13 days earlier. He is succeeded by Gustav IV Adolf.

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On this day in the year 1827, over twenty-thousand mourners – many of them physically overwhelmed by grief – show up to watch as cultural titan Ludwig van Beethoven is lowered into the cold, damp ground of his beloved Vienna.

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On this day in 1848, the Niagara Falls stop flowing for a full 30 hours as the water is held back by a mighty jam of hard-packed ice.

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On this day in 1867, Queen Victoria gives Royal Assent to the British North America Act which establishes the Dominion of Canada on July 1.

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On this day in 1871, the Royal Albert Hall is opened by Queen Victoria.

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On this day in 1882, a bunch of disgruntled Catholics get together and form the Knights of Columbus as an alternative secret society to the Freemasons, which frowned upon "Papists" for reasons that should be obvious to anybody who knows anything about the origins of Freemasonry. Their greatest contribution to society so far? Getting "under God" added to the Pledge of Allegiance in 1954, then convincing a nation of sheep that it was there all along.

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On this day in 1936, in Germany, Adolf Hitler receives 99% of the votes in a referendum to ratify Germany's illegal reoccupation of the Rhineland, receiving 44.5 million votes out of 45.5 million registered voters.

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On this day in 1951, Ethel and Julius Rosenberg are convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage.

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On this day in 1971, Lieutenant William Calley is convicted of premeditated murder and sentenced to life in prison for the My Lai massacre in Vietnam.

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On this day in 1982, the Canada Act 1982 (U.K.) receives the Royal Assent from Queen Elizabeth II, setting the stage for the Queen of Canada to proclaim the Constitution Act, 1982.

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On this day in 1989, not-gay actor Tom Cruise experiences elation and suffers humiliation on the very same day, when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awards the Oscar for best picture to Rainman, and the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation awards the Razzie for worst picture to Cocktail.

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On this day in 1991, White House advisor Karl Rove's mentor, Republican political strategist Lee Atwater, dies of a brain tumor at the ripe old age of 40. Among his many crimes - and they were legion - taking part in the destruction of popular music was among the worst. Renouncing his ways on his deathbed probably didn't prevent him from being cast into the shitty-most bowels of Hell, where he still burns to this day.

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On this day in 1999, the Dow Jones Industrial Average closes above the 10,000 mark (10,006.78) for the first time, during the height of the internet boom.

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On this day in 2010, two female suicide bombers hit the Moscow Metro system at the peak of the morning rush hour, killing 40.

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And finally, on this day in 2014, the first same sex weddings are being performed in England and Wales, right now, as you read this. Mazel-Tov!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 28

On this day in 845, Paris is sacked by Viking raiders, probably under Ragnar Lodbrok, who collects a huge ransom in exchange for leaving.

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On this day in 1566, the foundation stone of Valletta, Malta's capital city, is laid by Jean Parisot de Valette, Grand Master of the Sovereign Military Order of Malta.

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On this day in 1802, Heinrich Wilhelm Matthäus Olbers discovers 2 Pallas, the second asteroid known to man.

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On this day in 1854, during the first Crimean War, France and Britain declare war on Russia.

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On this day in 1871, the Paris Commune is formally established in Paris.

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On this day in 1933, the Imperial Airways biplane City of Liverpool is believed to be the first airline lost to sabotage when a passenger sets a fire on board.

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On this day in 1945, German V-1 buzz bombs rain down on London for the last time before the end of the war. Read Thomas Pynchon's excellent, mind-bending novel Gravity's Rainbow for a well-rounded view of the philosophical/metaphysical implications/consequences of the technological slippery-slope that led directly from these fascinating and deadly creations.

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On this day in 1946, the United States State Department releases the Acheson–Lilienthal Report, outlining a plan for the international control of nuclear power.

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On this day in 1969, the "McGill français movement" protest occurs, the second largest protest in Montreal's history with 10,000 trade unionists, leftist activists, college students, and some McGill students at McGill's Roddick Gates. The majority of the protesters are arrested.

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On this day in 1979, the 3 Mile Island nuclear power plant comes this close to full-on, Chernobyl-style MELTDOWN in Middletown, Pennsylvania. Kinda gives a lot more satirical heft to Homer's safety-ignoring power-plant antics in The Simpsons, when you think about it.

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On this day in 1990, President George H. W. Bush posthumously awards Jesse Owens the Congressional Gold Medal.

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On this day in 1994, fans, friends and family of John Lennon and Elvis Presley all feel a little weight lifting from their shoulders as reviled "biographer" Albert Goldman shuffles off this mortal coil at the tender age of 66 from a debilitating, painful "mystery disease." 

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 27

On this day in 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de León reaches the northern end of The Bahamas on his first voyage to Florida.

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On this day in 1625, Charles I becomes King of England, Scotland and Ireland as well as claiming the title King of France.

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On this day in 1814, in central Alabama, U.S. forces under General Andrew Jackson defeat the Creek at the Battle of Horseshoe Bend.

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On this day in 1836, the Goliad massacre takes place when Antonio López de Santa Anna orders the Mexican army to kill about 400 Texas POWs at Goliad, Texas.

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On this day in 1854, the United Kingdom declares war on Russia. It's the Crimean War: Phase One.

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On this day in 1886, famous Apache warrior, Geronimo, surrenders to the U.S. Army, ending the main phase of the Apache Wars.

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On this day in 1915, Typhoid Mary, the first healthy carrier of disease ever identified in the United States, is put in quarantine, where she would remain for the rest of her life.

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On this day in 1958, Nikita Khrushchev becomes Premier of the Soviet Union.

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On this day in 1964, the Good Friday Earthquake, the most powerful earthquake in U.S. history at a magnitude of 9.2 strikes South Central Alaska, killing 125 people and inflicting massive damage to the city of Anchorage.

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On this day in 1977, two Boeing 747 airliners collide on a foggy runway on Tenerife in the Canary Islands, killing 583 (all 248 on KLM and 335 on Pan Am). Sixty-one survived on the Pan Am flight. This is the worst aviation accident in history.

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On this day in 1980, the Norwegian oil platform Alexander L. Kielland collapses in the North Sea, killing 123 of its crew of 212.

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On this day in 1981, the Solidarity movement in Poland stages a warning strike, in which at least 12 million Poles walk off their jobs for four hours.

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On this day in 1998, the Food and Drug Administration approves Viagra for use as a treatment for male impotence, the first pill to be approved for this condition in the United States.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 26

On this day in 1169, Saladin becomes the emir of Egypt.

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On this day in 1351, 30 Breton (French) Knights call out and defeat 30 English Knights.

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On this day in 1484, William Caxton prints his translation of Aesop's Fables.

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On this day in 1552, Guru Amar Das becomes the Third Sikh Guru.

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On this day in 1790, the shoelace is invented, thus sending the Velcro industry into a tail-spin from which it wouldn't recover until Americans became so collectively obese that spending more than a few quick seconds with hands at foot level became unbearable, thus sparking a revival.

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On this day in 1812, a political cartoon in the Boston Gazette coins the term "gerrymander" to describe oddly shaped electoral districts designed to help incumbents win reelection.

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On this day in 1830, the Book of Mormon is published in Palmyra, New York.

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On this day in 1885, the Métis people of the District of Saskatchewan under Louis Riel begin the North-West Rebellion against Canada.

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On this day in 1945, the Battle of Iwo Jima ends as the island is officially secured by American forces.

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On this day in 1975, the Biological Weapons Convention comes into force.

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On this day in 1979, Anwar al-Sadat, Menachem Begin and Jimmy Carter sign the Israel-Egypt Peace Treaty in Washington, D.C..

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On this day in 1991, 5 South Korean boys, nicknamed the Frog Boys, disappear while hunting for frogs and are murdered in a case that remains unsolved.

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On this day in 1997, 39 members of the Heaven's Gate cult – all intelligent, educated, marginally functional members of society – commit mass suicide in a rented mansion just outside San Diego. According to their extensive online ramblings, they killed themselves to evolve beyond the trappings of human flesh, and were hoping to hitch a ride on some kind of giant alien Space Ark hidden in the tail of then-approaching Hale-Bopp Comet. Yer old pal Jerky was originally going to point out that it takes real balls to die for what you believe in – no matter how goofy – but then he remembered that those guys were all castrated, totally throwing the balls-to-suicide ratio theory out of whack.

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On this day in the year 2228, James Tiberius Kirk is born. While attending Starfleet Academy, Kirk becomes the only student to ever defeat the dreaded Kobyashi Maru simulation test (he does so by cheating). The highlight of his long and illustrious career with Starfleet is his stint as captain of the USS Enterprise. Well... that, and fucking all those alien chicks.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 25

On this day in 1911, a fast-moving fire swept through the Triangle Shirtwaist Company, a garment sweatshop located in New York City's Lower East Side. If any of the hundreds who gathered to watch this drama unfold were in the mood for carnage, they were in luck. Trapped on the ninth and tenth floors behind fire exits that were locked shut by the company, employees - mostly young immigrant women - had two options: either be burned alive or hurl their bodies down to the pavement below.

Sophie Salami and Della Costello were the first to leap, and they did so together, arm in arm. Helpless would-be rescuers watched as a fifteen-year-old girl, chased by flames, crawled out a window and held on for long, screaming minutes. When she finally fell to her death, firemen saw that her hands had roasted through. Three brave laborers in a neighboring building formed a human chain across which a few women were able to crawl to safety. These brave men persevered, but their bodies eventually failed and they, too, fell to their doom.

Sisters, daughters, mothers and grandmothers wrapped rags around their heads - some making the sign of the cross - and jumped. Up to five at a time, sometimes holding hands. Witnesses described the infernal sight of doomed women plummeting, fire streaming back from their hair and dresses, smashing into - and, in some cases, through - the pavement. Shock-frazzled firemen watched, helpless, as girl after girl ripped through their outstretched rescue nets as though they were made out of cobwebs.

By the time it was over, one hundred and forty-six people were dead. Police found 25 charred corpses in the elevator shaft. Another two dozen bodies were found melted against the locked steel door on the ninth floor. Piles of bodies were found huddled together in cloakrooms and hallways. It was, up until that time, one of the worst industrial catastrophes ever.

And why did all those people die? Because the factory owners were worried about their workers using the back way out to steal needles, fabric and supplies.

If you didn't find the above story depressing enough, check out this incredible online resource by Cornell University for more information, including original newspaper reports, photographs, and some powerful editorial cartoons about the fire.

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Also on this day...

On this day in 1896, the Olympics tradition is re-launched in Athens, Greece, after a two-thousand-plus year hiatus. Unfortunately for the Greeks, the new International Olympic Committee balks at their request to once again make athletes compete in the nude. They are also pretty miffed when the IOC says "no" to bringing back the traditional post-decathalon gay orgy.

On this day in the year 1993, the FBI give Branch Davidian cult leader David Koresh an ultimatum: at least 10 people must leave the compound by 4 p.m., or some action will be taken. Koresh stands firm. At 4 p.m., armored vehicles scoop away the motorcycles and go-carts that litter the area around the compound.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 24

On this day in 1832, in Hiram, Ohio a group of men beat, tar and feather Mormon leader Joseph Smith.

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On this day in 1837, Canada gives African Canadian men the right to vote.

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On this day in 1896, A.S. Popov makes the first radio signal transmission in history.

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On this day in 1944, German troops murder 335 Italian civilians in Rome. Meanwhile, in Germany, in an event later dramatized in the movie The Great Escape, 76 Allied prisoners of war begin breaking out of the German camp Stalag Luft III.

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On this day in 1958, Rock'N'Roll teen idol Elvis Presley is drafted in the U.S. Army. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1965, NASA spacecraft Ranger 9, equipped to convert its signals into a form suitable for showing on domestic television, brings images of the Moon into ordinary homes before crash landing.

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On this day in 1972, the United Kingdom imposes direct rule over Northern Ireland.

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On this day in 1976, in Argentina, the armed forces overthrow the constitutional government of President Isabel Perón and start a 7-year dictatorial period self-styled the National Reorganization Process. Since 2006, a public holiday known as Day of Remembrance for Truth and Justice is held on this day.

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On this day in 1980, Archbishop Óscar Romero is killed while celebrating Mass in San Salvador.

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On this day in 1989, thanks to the drunken antics of skipper Ron Hazelwood, the Exxon Valdez runs into some rocks and spills 11.3 MILLION GALLONS of crude off the pristine Alaska coastline. Just to put the magnitude of this waste into its proper perspective: that's enough fuel to keep about a half-dozen of your average SUVs running for an entire WEEKEND!

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On this day in 1998, the Jonesboro Horror takes place, in which Mitchell Johnson, 13, and Andrew Golden, 11, play a real-life, one-sided game of Unreal Tournament with their classmates. The previous day, Johnson had "joked" with friends he had "a lot of killing to do" because he was upset at being rejected by girls at the school. After pulling a fire alarm, Golden ran to join his buddy Johnson in the woods 100 yards from the school's exit, a sniper's perch from which they fired upon the emerging students and teachers, killing five and wounding ten. When the police caught up with the boys and their stolen van later that same day, they found an impressive array of firearms and other weapons, all of which had been pilfered from the Golden family's massive personal armory. Much to the NRA's chagrin, it was later learned that both boys had been raised around guns, both belonged to gun clubs, and both had participated in practical shooting competitions, which involves firing at moving simulated human targets. Too young to be tried as adults, the boys were held in a facility built special for them by the Arkansas department of corrections, until they turned 21, at which point, both men were released. Sick, sad, and true.

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On this day in 1999, the Mont Blanc Tunnel fire kills 38 people.

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On this day in 1999, NATO commences aerial bombardment against Yugoslavia, marking the first time NATO has attacked a sovereign country.

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On this day in 2003, the Arab League votes 21-1 in favor of a resolution demanding the immediate and unconditional removal of U.S. and British soldiers from Iraq.

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Believe it or not, today is National Pecan Day in the USA. So today, in order to show your appreciation for all those hard working pecan ranchers out there – those brave men and women who keep our pecan pies nice and jam-packed with delicious pecans – why not go out and beat up a walnut rancher? Come on, you know you wanna!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 23

On this day in 1775, American revolutionary Patrick Henry delivers his speech, during which he declares: "Give me Liberty, or give me Death!" In the end, he got both.

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On this day in 1919, in Milan, Italy, Benito Mussolini founds his Fascist political movement.

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On this day in 1933, the Reichstag passes the Enabling Act, making Adolf Hitler dictator of Germany.

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On this day in 1972, in Vegas, the great Evel Knievel – the Elvis of Idiots – successfully jumps over an incredible thirty-five automobiles on his motorcycle, then breaks an incredible ninety-three bones when his rear tire clips the thirty-sixth.

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On this day in 1973, Japanese "artist" Yoko Ono is granted permanent residence in United States of America. It would take nearly 20 years for the INS to fuck up that badly again.

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On this day in 1980, Archbishop Óscar Romero of El Salvador gives his famous speech appealing to men of the El Salvadoran armed forces to stop killing the Salvadorans. Two years later, on this day in 1982, Guatemala's government, headed by Fernando Romeo Lucas García is overthrown in a military coup by right-wing General Efraín Ríos Montt. It was NOT a good time to be a Central American, thanks in large part to the feature player in our next calendrical entry...

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On this day in 1983, President Ronald Reagan makes his initial proposal to develop technology to intercept enemy missiles, aka Strategic Defense Initiative, aka SDI, aka Star Wars.

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On this day in 1989, Stanley Pons and Martin Fleischmann announce their discovery of cold fusion at the University of Utah. It now seems like their discovery was (ahem) bullshit.

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On this day, in 1993, at 10:05 a.m., Livingstone Fagan leaves David Koresh's Branch Davidian compound in Mount Carmel/Elk/Waco, Texas. He is the last Davidian to willingly leave the compound during the standoff. Later that same day, the FBI begins to play recordings of their previous negotiations with Koresh over loudspeakers, to shame him into keeping his word about coming out. Koresh is not phased by this tactic.

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Howard Stern announces he will run for the New York Governorship on this day in 1994. He quits, however, upon discovering details of his financial situation would have to be made public.

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On this day in 1994, Aeroflot Flight 593 crashes in Siberia when the pilot's fifteen-year old son accidentally disengages the autopilot, killing all 75 people on board.

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On this day in 2001, the Russian Mir space station is disposed of, breaking up in the atmosphere before falling into the southern Pacific Ocean near Fiji.

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Some Very Important People who kicked the bucket on this day… Dr Barney Clark, the very first artificial heart recipient, dies in 1983 after surviving 112 days! Also, on this day in 1985, the Singing Nun and her lesbian lover die after they wash down gorilla-doses of barbiturates with vodka! And finally, on this day in 1986, Dominic Bellissimo – creator of the buffalo-style chicken wing – dies at 68! Happy Deathday you crazy kids!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 22

On this day in 1622, Algonquian Indians kill 347 English settlers around Jamestown, Virginia, a third of the colony's population, during the Second Anglo-Powhatan War.

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On this day in 1630, the Massachusetts Bay Colony outlaws the possession of cards, dice, and gaming tables. Fun place.

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On this day in 1733, soda pop comes one step closer to reality when Joseph Priestly becomes the first person to artificially carbonate water.

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On this day in 1894, the first playoff game for the Stanley Cup starts. It will take another 29 years to the day - on this day in 1923 - before the first radio broadcast of ice hockey is made, by Foster Hewitt.

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On this day in 1960, Arthur Leonard Schawlow and Charles Hard Townes receive the first patent for a laser. That's right... a frickin' LASER!

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On this day in 1963, phase one of the mass mind control conspiracy hatched by the Tavistock Institute kicks off when the first album by The Beatles, Please Please Me, is released on an unsuspecting public.

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On this day in 1978, 73-year-old "Flying Wallendas" family patriarch Karl Wallenda gets fouled up by strong winds while walking a tight-rope between two Puerto Rican hotels, causing him to fall 120 feet to his death. Perhaps the most annoying thing about Wallenda's legacy is how so many people say "at least he died doing something he loved." This, of course, is pure horse-shit. Does anyone really believe Karl Wallenda "loved" having his frail, aged body smashed into pulp against concrete at two hundred miles per hour?! The sad truth is, Karl Wallenda died while failing miserably at something he loved.

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On this day in 1984, teachers at the McMartin preschool in Manhattan Beach, California are charged with satanic ritual abuse of the children in the school. The charges are later dropped as completely unfounded... but we know better, don't we?

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Soulful vocalizations from The Fat One and sexy guitar poses from The Hot One help propel Heart's These Dreams to the #1 position on the nation's pop charts on this day in 1986!

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On this day in 1989, Clint Malarchuk of the Buffalo Sabres suffers a near-fatal injury when another player accidentally slits his throat. I was watching that game live, and it was a gruesome sight that I hope never to revisit any time soon.

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On this day in 1997, the Comet Hale-Bopp has its closest approach to Earth, just in time for a bunch of cult members to hitch a ride on board to the Great Beyond.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 21

On this day in 630, Emperor Heraclius returns the True Cross, one of the holiest Christian relics, to Jerusalem.

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On this day in 1804, Code Napoléon is adopted as French civil law.

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On this day in the year 1843, the world fails to end, as popular evangelical preacher and widely-read apocalyptic millennialist William Miller had predicted. Strangely, Miller's hundreds of thousands of followers didn't even bat an eyelash when he declared he'd made a mathematical error, then simply changed the End Time date to October 22, 1844. Miller gave his own personal guarantee that the world would end for sure this time, and many of his followers gave away all their earthly belongings and wealth in anticipation of the Godly Destruction of All Things. It is for this reason that today's Seventh Day Adventists - including the Branch Davidians (direct descendants of the original Millerite church) refer to October 22, 1844 as The Great Disappointment. And now, friends, you know why there oughta be a law against allowing Born Again Christians anywhere near THE BUTTON.

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On this day in 1844, the Bahá'í calendar begins. This is the first day of the first year of the Bahá'í calendar. It is annually celebrated by members of the Bahá'í Faith as the Bahá'í New Year or Náw-Rúz.

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On this day in 1925, the Butler Act prohibits the teaching of human evolution in Tennessee.

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On this day in 1935, Shah of Iran Reza Shah Pahlavi formally asks the international community to call Persia by its native name, Iran, meaning "Land of the Aryans".

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On this day in 1952, Alan Freed presents the Moondog Coronation Ball, the first rock and roll concert, in Cleveland, Ohio.

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On this day in 1963, Alcatraz, a federal penitentiary on an island in San Francisco Bay, closes.

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On this day in 1980, US President Jimmy Carter announces a United States boycott of the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow to protest the Soviet war in Afghanistan.

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On this day in 1980, Dallas aired its "A House Divided" episode which led to 8 months of international intrigue regarding "Who shot J.R.?"

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On this day in 1993, Victorine Hollingsworth, Annetta Richards, Rita Riddle, Gladys Ottman, Sheila Martin, James Lawton, and Ofelia Santoya emerge from David Koresh's Branch Davidian compound in Waco/Elk/Mount Carmel, Texas. Later, in the evening, the FBI begins blasting Tibetan chants over the loudspeaker system in an attempt to frazzle the remaining cultists. Koresh's response? "Because of the loud music, nobody is coming out." Just before midnight, the loudspeaker system malfunctions.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 20

On this day in 235, Maximinus Thrax is proclaimed emperor. He is the first foreigner to hold the Roman throne, was roughly the size (and strength) of Andre the Giant, and never actually set foot in Rome. Strange dude.

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On this day in 1616, Sir Walter Raleigh is freed from the Tower of London after 13 years of imprisonment.

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On this day in 1815, after escaping from Elba, Napoleon enters Paris with a regular army of 140,000 and a volunteer force of around 200,000, beginning his "Hundred Days" rule.

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On this day in 1852, Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin is published.

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On this day in 1854, the Republican Party of the United States is organized in Ripon, Wisconsin. Chaos ensues.

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It's a real-life case of Romeo and Juliet, redneck-style, when a member of the Hatfield clan ignores his kinfolks' pleas and marries a McCoy woman on this day in 1891, thereby ending the second longest and bloodiest family feud in the history of the United States. The bloodiest family fued in the history of the United States was, of course, the Bushes versus the Husseins.

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On this day in 1916, Albert Einstein publishes his general theory of relativity.

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On this day in 1985, Canadian paraplegic athlete and humanitarian Rick Hansen begins his circumnavigation of the globe in a wheelchair in the name of spinal cord injury medical research.

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On this day in 1991, guitar god Eric Clapton has to fire his babysitter.

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On this day in 1995, during rush hour in Tokyo, Japan, ten members of the Aum Shinrikyo religious cult release sarin nerve gas into the subway system. Twelve people die in the attack, and over five thousand others are treated for various ill effects, although many "survivors" suffered permanent damage to their eyes, lungs, and digestive systems. It all started in the 1980s, when Aum's leader - an obese, blind furball by the name of Shoko Asahara - combined Buddhism and yoga with apocalyptic Christian End Times mythology, resulting in a potent religious brew that appealed strongly to Japan's disaffected young adults, who believed the Land of the Rising Sun had lost its soul in pursuit of the Almighty Yen. Declaring himself to be the reincarnation of both the Christ and the Buddha, Shoko saw his movement as a potential New Order. Then he started stockpiling weapons and murdering political opponents, disposing of their bodies in a giant microwave oven built for this express purpose. On February 27th of this year, just one year and a few weeks ago, Shoko was finally found guilty and sentenced to death for his crimes. The case has been appealed to Japan's Supreme Court. For some reason, Japan still allows Aum to exist. The cult maintains impressive membership numbers, though the've changed their name to Aleph in an attempt to start fresh.

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On this day in 2000, Jamil Abdullah Al-Amin, a former Black Panther once known as H. Rap Brown, is captured after murdering Georgia sheriff's deputy Ricky Kinchen and critically wounding Deputy Aldranon English, both of whom are black.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 19

On this day in 1644, emperor Si Sang, final sovereign of the storied Ming dynasty, commits suicide. Two hundred members of the royal family and imperial court promptly follow suit. Gosh, but those were the days, weren't they?!

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On this day in 1885, Louis Riel declares a Provisional Government in Saskatchewan, beginning the North-West Rebellion.

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On this day in 1895, Auguste and Louis Lumière record their first footage using their newly patented cinematograph.

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On this day in 1931, gambling is legalized in Nevada.

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On this day in 1943, Frank Nitti, the Chicago Outfit Boss after Al Capone, commits suicide at the Chicago Central Railyard.

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On this day in 1958, the Monarch Underwear Company fire leaves 24 dead and 15 injured.

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On this day in 1962, influential artist Bob Dylan releases his first album, Bob Dylan, on Columbia Records label.

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On this day in 1982, Argentinian forces land on South Georgia Island, precipitating war with the United Kingdom.

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On this day, in 1987, the Reverend Jim Bakker - PTL Ministries founder - resigns when it's revealed he spent a hot three minutes cheating on his wretched wife Tammy Faye with Jessica Hahn. And can ya blame him?! Soon afterwards, Bakker is put behind bars for defrauding thousands of PTL members out of millions of dollars by selling them non-existent time-shares in his Born Again theme park/condominium complex. After being granted an early release for good behavior, Bakker told reporters how shocked he was that "so many people" tried to rape him in prison. Still no word as to how many of these "attempts" were successful.

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On this day in 1993 - the 20th day of the FBI seige at Waco/Carmel/Elk, Texas - negotiators arrange for the delivery of food, water and legal documents to David Koresh and those others who remain in the Branch Davidian cult compound. During the afternoon, Koresh claims to be "ready to come out and face the music," but he ultimately changes his mind. Meanwhile, two Davidians, Brad Branch and Kevin Whitecliff, exit the compound without incident.

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On this day in 2008, GRB 080319B occurs, a cosmic burst that is the farthest object visible to the naked eye is briefly observed.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 18

On this day in 37 AD, the Roman Senate annulled Tiberius's will and proclaimed Caligula emperor.

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On this day in 1314, Jacques de Molay, the 23rd and the last Grand Master of the Knights Templar, was burned at the stake.

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On this day in 1834, six farm labourers from Tolpuddle, Dorset, England were sentenced to be transported to Australia for forming a trade union.

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On this day in 1850, American Express was founded by Henry Wells and William Fargo.

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On this day in 1892, former Governor General Lord Stanley pledged to donate a silver challenge cup, later named after him, as an award for the best hockey team in Canada; originally presented to amateur champions, the Stanley Cup has been awarded to the top pro team since 1910, and since 1926, only to National Hockey League teams.

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On this day in 1922, in India, Mohandas Gandhi was sentenced to six years in prison for civil disobedience. He served only 2 years.

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On this day in 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signs Hawaii into existence as a member state, in full and equal standing, of the United States of America. All of the other states - excluding Alabama - subsequently experience a short-lived collective obsession with all things Polynesian. Today, you can still find evidence of this fad in small New England towns where people go to Chinese restaurants to get drunk. Deceptively powerful cocktails served in ceramic volcanoes, topless hula dolls gyrating seductively over pu-pu platters piled high with sweet-glazed meat, half-naked Samoans twirling fiery batons while making "ooga-booga" faces; this kitsch ephemera remains, scattered and tenacious like the radioactive residue from a dirty bomb, in the half-life death-grip of immutable plastic eternity... Man. This is some good weed.

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On this day in 1965, cosmonaut Aleksei Leonov, leaving his spacecraft Voskhod 2 for 12 minutes, became the first person to walk in space.

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On this day in 1968, the U.S. Congress repealed the requirement for a gold reserve to back US currency.

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On this day in 1974, most OPEC nations ended a five-month oil embargo against the United States, Europe and Japan.

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On this day in 1989, in Egypt, a 4,400-year-old mummy was found near the Pyramid of Cheops.

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On this day in 1995, sports/entertainment/footwear titan/mogul Michael Fucking Jordan announces his return to the NBA after a 17 month "retirement" during which time he played a little minor league baseball. Whether or not this has anything to do with his father being murdered in cold blood, or his monster gambling habit, who can say?

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On this day in 1996, an unnamed comatose woman gives birth to the son of John Horace, the man who brutally beat and raped her nine months earlier. 365 days later, on this day in 1997, she mercifully passes away.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 17

On this day in 1521, explorer Ferdinand Magellan discovers the Philippines, or, as he always referred to them, the Magellippines.

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On this day in 1960, U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower signs the National Security Council directive on the anti-Cuban covert action program that will ultimately lead to the Bay of Pigs Invasion.

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On this day in 1968, as a result of nerve gas testing in Skull Valley, Utah, US, over 6,000 sheep are found dead.

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On this day in 1969, Golda Meir becomes the first female Prime Minister of Israel.

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On this day in 1973, the Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph Burst of Joy is taken, depicting a former prisoner of war being reunited with his family.

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On this day in 1988, Iran accuses Iraq of illegally using poison gas in the Iran/Iraq War. Official right-wing response at the time was unambiguous: "GOOD! That means our buddy Saddam will be ordering more from us!"

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In honor of Saint Patrick's Day, it was on this day in 1997 that CNN launch the Spanish language version of their cable news service. So a hearty bueno jorno Santo Patritio to all our Irish readers!

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On this day in 2000, 530 members of the Ugandan cult Movement for the Restoration of the Ten Commandments of God die in a fire, considered to be a mass murder or suicide orchestrated by leaders of the cult. Elsewhere another 248 members are later found dead.

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On this day in 2003, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs Robin Cook resigns from the British Cabinet in disagreement with government plans for the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Shortly after that, soon after revealing to the world that the name al Qaeda is literally a CIA invention - it being the name used to refer to the list or database used to put together the mujehadin to fight the USSR in Afghanistan back in the Cold War days) he dies under suspicious circumstances. How convenient for the Bad Guys.