PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 12

On this day in 1638, the Roman Catholic legal body known as the Inquisition begins its trial of Galileo Galilei. The famed scientist and astronomer was charged on suspicion of heresy, and was ultimately found “vehemently suspect” of holding the opinion that - contrary to Holy Scripture - the Sun, and not the Earth, is at the center of the Universe. By the end of his trial, Galileo was sentenced to imprisonment “at the pleasure of the Inquisition”… and a great deal of pleasure did the religious authorities of the day derive from their victory over that arrogant upstart, the Scientific Method, you can be sure. Galileo’s works were gathered up and destroyed, and further publications were forbidden. He was held under house arrest for the rest of his natural life, during which time he wrote one of his most important works: Two New Sciences. Fortunately, Galileo was allowed a certain degree of freedom during this time, and was allowed to have visitors. Two of these visitors were the world-historic philosophers Thomas “Leviathan” Hobbes and Rene “Cogito Ergo Sum” Descartes.

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On this day in 1861, the first shot of the American Civil War is fired by a Confederate soldier in the general direction of Fort Sumter, in the harbor of Charleston, South Carolina. By the time the last shot of the war is fired, more Americans will have died in that conflict than in World War I, World War II, the Korean Conflict and Vietnam… COMBINED. It was a goddamn bloodbath.

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On this day in 1945, at 3:35 in the afternoon, during the fourth month of his fourth term in office, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt dies of a massive cerebral hemorrhage at the age of 63. His vice president, Harry Truman, assumes the Presidency later that same day.

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On this day in 1961, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin becomes the first human being to travel into outer space and perform the first manned orbital flight. From agrarian peasant feudalism to the loftiest heights of scientific achievement in a mere three generations? Way to go, you communist Rooskie bastards!

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On this day in 1968, the Skull Valley Sheep Kill takes place. A rancher came upon a startling scene when he went to check on his herds of sheep. Six thousand of the fluffy white creatures, which had been grazing peaceably on a piece of property in Utah, all mysteriously and simultaneously dropped dead for some reason. That reason most likely had something to do with their neighbors, the military’s Dugway Proving Ground, where locals had always suspected chemical weapons were tested, despite the government’s absolute and implacable silence on the issue. In fact, government silence on the topic was so complete and so long-lasting that it wasn’t until three decades after the incident that a Defense Department report was made public, revealing that of course the animals were killed by a leak of deadly VX nerve gas, and of course the military knew all about it, for fuck’s sake.

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On this day in 1994, the first massive commercial Usenet SPAM message is posted by the husband-and-wife lawyer team of Laurence Canter and Martha Siegel. The couple splash their “Green Card Lottery” SPAM across a grand total of 5,500 Usenet discussion groups, pissing off everyone from Trekkies to Furries to the 7 dedicated members of the alt.binaries.images.sex.fetish.erotica.Gillian-Anderson-head-on-other-womens-bodies newsgroup. And yet… it worked! In a 1994 interview, Canter & Siegel claim to have gained a thousand new clients and earned over a hundred thousand dollars with an ad that cost pennies! Insert your own Christian Bale "Good for you!” sound effect here.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 11

On this day in the year 1775, for the last time on European soil, an individual found guilty of the crime of witchcraft is killed in an official, state-sanctioned execution, in Germany.

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On this day in 1868, shogun Tokugawa Yoshinobu surrenders Edo Castle to Imperial forces, marking the end of Japan's Shogun era and the beginning of the Meiji Restoration. This development came about partly because, after American Commodore Matthew Perry showed up in Japan accompanied by an impressive fleet of technologically advanced warships, Japanese elites collectively freaked out. They hatched a plan to get rid of the samurai class and the feudal, agrarian system over which they presided and replace it with a more forward-thinking oligarchy, headed up by a hereditary figurehead, the aforementioned Emperor Meiji. In less than half a century, the combination of rapid cultural change, techno-fetishism, the sublimation of a disgruntled samurai remnant and increasingly obsessive Emperor worship would lead to some of the most unfortunate chapters in the history of all mankind.

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On this day in 1876, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks is first organized. They remain one of the leading fraternal orders in the United States, with over one million dues-paying members.

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On this day in 1941, the Nazis take over Germany's most popular Jewish weekly newspaper. The abrupt change in editorial tone proves unpopular with subscribers. Sales plummet.

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On this day in 1951, less than four months after its theft from Westminster Abbey by Scottish nationalist university students, the Stone of Scone is discovered hidden beneath the altar of Arbroath Abbey in Scotland. The origins of the so-called "Stone of Destiny", which played a minor role in the recent film The King's Speech, is shrouded in mystery. Some claim that it dates back to Antiquity, or even that it is the legendary "Stone of Jacob", the rock upon which the biblical patriarch was resting his head when he was delivered a "divine revelation" from Jehovah, as detailed in the Book of Genesis. But it's probably just a rock.

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On this day in 1961, the trial of fugitive Nazi technocrat Adolf Eichmann begins in Jerusalem. After World War II, Eichmann had fled to Argentina under an assumed name, where he worked for Mercedes-Benz until he was identified, located, then kidnapped by the Mossad, who brought him to Israel to stand trial for his central role in organizing the Holocaust. He was found guilty and hanged in 1962, the only person ever to be executed in Israel based on the findings of a civilian court.

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On this day 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act into existence, prohibiting discrimination in the sale, rental, and financing of housing to individuals based on their race. At the time, pondering the effect this might have on voters in the formerly Democratic-leaning South, Johnson is said to have said: "We've lost them for a generation." It turns out he was way, WAY, too optimistic.

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This day in 2001 saw the ignominious conclusion to the Hainan Island Incident, the first real crisis of Preznit Dubya's heart-breaking White House career. On April Fools Day, an American spy plane had to make an emergency landing on a Chinese island after being bumped out of the sky by a Chinese fighter jet. It was on this day, ten days later, that the 24 American crew members were released by the Chinese government, but not before the White House issued a groveling apology, which they preferred to characterize as "an expression of regret and sorrow" over the death of the Chinese driver... I mean pilot. A coincidence of note is that the American aircraft was a Navy EP-3E ARIES II signals intelligence aircraft, and the incident took place while the sun was in the Zodiac House of Aries. Aries is ruled by the planet Mars, God of War.

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And, finally -- last but definitely not least -- on this day in 2002, an attempted coup d'état takes place in Venezuela, resulting in the temporary ouster of President Hugo Chávez. If you relied on Western media to inform you about those infuriating, exasperating, incredibly inspiring days, then you have no idea what happened. I strongly urge you to give your undivided attention to the documentary, The Revolution Will Not Be Televised. It's one of the most important documents ever produced in terms of its revelations about the the true nature, focus and direction of American policy towards Latin America. Just find it and watch it. From beginning to end. I'm serious. It will infuriate you, and you will never forget the lesson it teaches.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 10

As we touched upon two days ago, it was on this day in 1904, in Cairo, Egypt, that Aleister Crowley transcribed the third and final chapter of his Liber AL Vel Legis, or The Book of The Law. Here are some more details about this revelation. 

It all began when, during a trip to Egypt, Crowley performed a ritual to invoke the Egyptian deity Thoth. Soon afterwards, his then-wife, Rose Kelly, went into a light trance, repeatedly telling Crowley: "They are waiting for you."  Because Kelly had previously shown little interest in occult matters, Crowley ignored her. But then, one day, the couple paid a visit to Egypt's Buluq Museum, where Kelly was able to find, identify and (most importantly) explain the Stele of Revealing, an ancient Egyptian artifact. This convinced Crowley that Kelly was being truthful, so he began paying attention, at which point his Holy Guardian Angel, a being by the name of Aiwass, dictated the entirety of the Book of the Law through Kelly, whose words were dutifully transcribed by Crowley.

The Stele, by the way, is currently tucked hidden away in a disused corner of the Cairo Museum. As the central artifact in one of the most controversial New Religious Movements of the 20th century, it appears to be a source of embarrassment. Recently, an associate of yer old pal Jerky's hunted down the Stele and shot some footage of it on his camera phone. That video, now...

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On this day in 428, Nestorius becomes Patriarch of Constantinople.

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On this day in 837, Halley's Comet makes its closest approach to Earth at a distance equal to 0.0342 AU (5.1 million kilometres/3.2 million miles).

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On this day in 1606, the Virginia Company of London is established by royal charter by James I of England with the purpose of establishing colonial settlements in North America.

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On this day in 1710, the Statute of Anne, the first law regulating copyright, comes into force in Great Britain.

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On this day in 1865, a day after his surrender to Union forces, Confederate General Robert E. Lee addresses his troops for the last time.

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On this day in 1868, at Arogee in Abyssinia, British and Indian forces defeat an army of Emperor Tewodros II. While 700 Ethiopians are killed and many more injured, only two British/Indian troops die.

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On this day in 1919, Mexican Revolution leader Emiliano Zapata is ambushed and shot dead by government forces in Morelos.

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On this day in 1925, The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald is first published in New York City, by Charles Scribner's Sons.

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On this day in 1970, Paul McCartney announces that he is leaving The Beatles for personal and professional reasons.

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On this day in 2010, Polish Air Force Tu-154M crashes near Smolensk, Russia, killing 96 people, including Polish President Lech Kaczyński and dozens of other senior officials

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On this day in 1912, the Titanic leaves port in Southampton, England, for her first and only voyage.

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On this day in 1972, 74 nations sign the Biological Weapons Convention, the first multilateral disarmament treaty banning the production of biological weapons. Shortly thereafter, HIV and AIDS begin  working their Satanic magic, depopulating the resource-rich African continent. As an added bonus, they also begin to "deal with" America's troublesome homosexual and intravenous drug using communities. By the way, to those debunkers who claim that "conspiracy theories" about AIDS can be proven wrong simply by identifying strains that existed prior to that point in history where the transmission vector becomes so  incredibly suspicious, I say to you, does the fact that a rock might be millions of years old mean that it can't be used to bash in another person's skull?

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 9

"Read Free or DIE!!!" The first ever tax-supported public library opens its doors in Peterborough, New Hampshire on this day in 1833.

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On this day in 1860, a French fellow by the name of Édouard-Léon Scott de Martinville makes the oldest known recording of an audible human voice - his own, singing Au Clair de la Lune, very slowly - on a machine of his own devising, which he christened the Phonautograph Machine! You can listen to this brief but creepy echo from the far, distant past here, on the machine's Wikipedia page.

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On this day in 1865, after four years of bloody combat that left 600,000 dead, Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrenders the Army of Northern Virginia to Ulysses S. Grant at the Appomattox Courthouse in Virginia. This effectively ends the American Civil War. Today, many revisionists try to argue that the Civil War wasn't about slavery - either the practice at it had evolved in the South, or its expansion into the newly developing Western states. Anybody who tries to argue this point is either pathetically ignorant of history or a bald-faced liar, and anything they have to say about any topic can therefore be dismissed as a-historical balderdash and/or right-wing propaganda. Could they capture the presidency of the US? yes, dj trump - IMPOTUSX2, Part Deaux!

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On this day in 1992, a U.S. federal court finds former Panamanian dictator and notorious, CIA asset, and Bush Crime Family crony Manuel Noriega guilty of drug and racketeering charges. Sentenced to 30 years in prison, Noriega was ultimately extradited to France in 2010, where he was tried for money laundering, and then back home to Panama in 2011, where he was tried over the murder of a domestic political challenger, and where he died in 2017.

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On this day in 2003, the world first learns that Patient Zero in the SARS pandemic just happened to fly on seven different planes to six different international locations in the span of six fucking days just two weeks earlier. He flew from Hong Kong to Munich on March 30, then flew to Barcelona where, according to authorities, he began developing symptoms. Undaunted, he hopped another plane to Frankfurt, then switched off and flew to London (same day, different plane). The day after that, he flew to Munich, then headed back to Frankfurt, again on a different plane. Eventually, he made his way back to Hong Kong, where he checked into a hospital and was confirmed to have SARS. Regarding these suspiciously ostentatious travel habits, authorities said: "He travels a lot." In other words: "Move along, nothing to see here."

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On this day in the year 2003, after the application of a little "Shock and Awe" by the "Coalition of the Willing", the city of Baghdad falls to advancing American forces. In the center of the city, a statue of Saddam Hussein is pulled down in what the mainstream media described as regular, everyday Iraqis turning on symbols of their former leader. In fact, that's still the way Wikipedia portrays those events. In reality, however, even the Pentagon was forced to admit that the whole thing was a stage-managed psychological operation. Oh well, it might have been a Big Lie, but at least it ended the war!

I'm kidding, of course. Because even though Preznit Dubya and all the bought-and-paid-for whores in the right-wing military/industrial/media propaganda complex declared victory, in reality, the war in Iraq had barely just begun. Ten years, six thousand dead Americans, a hundred times that many dead Iraqis and over a TRILLION wasted dollars later, the only undeniable truth about the war in Iraq. is that it was a wasteful, Satanic enterprise built upon a foundation of propaganda, forgery, and lies. There was no valid ethical, moral or legal justification for it, no matter how "easy" the task might have seemed back in the early days of what would ultimately turn out to be a completely Pyrrhic victory.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 8

On this day in 1820, the world famous Venus de Milo statue is discovered on the Aegean island of Melos. One of the most magnificent surviving examples of Ancient artistic genius, it is dated to between 130 and 100 BC. Western European art would not again achieve the level of sophistication on display in the Venus until the Renaissance, roughly fifteen hundred years later.

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During a three-day span beginning on this day in 1904, while visiting Cairo, Egypt, notorious British occultist Aleister Crowley “receives” the first chapter of The Book of the Law, the central sacred text of the religious philosophy that would come to be known as Thelema. Also known as Liber Al Vel Legis, this slim volume – allegedly dictated “from beyond” by Hoor-Paar-Kraat (“Horus the Child”) via a discarnate intermediary called Aiwass (whom Crowley would eventually claim as his own personal Holy Guardian Angel) – is widely regarded as kicking off the Aeon of Horus, which some have connected to both the Age of Aquarius and the New Age. This otherworldly revelation-by-dictation has come to be considered one of the most important mystical documents of the 20th century, and is well worth reading. 

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On this day in 2004, National Security Advisor the Reverend Doctor Condoleezza Rice Junior appears before the independent congressional commission investigating the terror attacks of 9/11 and delivers one of the longest opening statements in the history of opening statements. Whether this was due to the crushing weight of her guilty conscience, or a desire to bore people into changing the channel before the questioning began, only Condi knows for sure. In any case, here's the closing statement from her epic opening statement, to which hindsight has certainly not been kind:

"Today, along with many allies, we are helping the people of Iraq and Afghanistan to build free societies. And we are working with the people of the Middle East to spread the blessings of liberty and democracy as the alternatives to instability, hatred, and terror. … The defeat of terror and the success of freedom in those nations will serve the interests of our Nation and inspire hope and encourage reform throughout the greater Middle East. In the aftermath of September 11, those were the right choices for America to make -- the only choices that can ensure the safety of our Nation in the decades to come."

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On this day in 1946, after a series of disastrous failures and bungled opportunities, the League of Nations - which had risen from the ashes of World War One - assembles for last time before ultimately disbanding 4 days later, on April 12, leaving behind little more than an official emblem featuring one of the most eyebrow-raising and paranoia-inducing designs ever created. I mean, just look at it! Two pentagrams inside a pentagon? Come on!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 7

The leader of a small sect of nationalist Jewish separatists is crucified by Roman troops in Jerusalem on this day in the year 30 A.D.

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On this day in 451, Attila the Hun sacks the town of Metz and attacks other cities in Gaul.

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On this day in 1827, John Walker, an English chemist, sells the first friction match that he had invented the previous year.

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On this day in 1943, in Terebovlia, Ukraine, Germans order 1,100 Jews to undress to their underwear and march through the city of Terebovlia to the nearby village of Plebanivka where they are shot dead and buried in ditches.

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On this day in 1945, the Japanese battleship Yamato, the largest battleship ever constructed, is sunk by American planes 200 miles north of Okinawa while en route to a suicide mission in Operation Ten-Go.

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On this day in 1948, the World Health Organization (WHO) is established by the United Nations.

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On this day in 1967, film critic Roger Ebert published his very first film review in the Chicago Sun-Times.

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Today in 1969 is the Internet's symbolic birth date: publication of RFC 1.

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On this day in 1978, development of the neutron bomb is canceled by President Jimmy Carter.

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On this day in 1990, Reagan/Bush National Security Advisor John Poindexter is found guilty of five charges relating to the Iran-Contra scandal, including obstruction of justice, conspiracy and destroying evidence. The nation of Costa Rica still bars him entry after having officially labeled him as a drug trafficker. But that didn't stop Preznit Dubya from naming Poindexter to head up the Orwellean "Information Awareness Office" in February of 2002. He's only one of many former political felons who once have returned to positions of influence in the USA. Do some digging HERE if you're interested.

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On this day in 1994, massacres of Tutsis begin in Kigali, Rwanda.

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On this day in 1995, Russian paramilitary troops begin a massacre of civilians in Samashki, Chechnya.

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On this day in 1997, singer George Michael is arrested for jacking himself off in front of an undercover cop in a notoriously gay pickup washroom. Pee Wee Herman mistakenly assumes this means the heat is off. Dream on, Pee Wee!

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On this day in 2003, U.S. troops capture Baghdad; Saddam Hussein's regime falls two days later.

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On this day in 2009, former Peruvian President Alberto Fujimori is sentenced to 25 years in prison for ordering killings and kidnappings by security forces.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 6

On this day in 648 B.C., a total solar eclipse plunges Greece into mid-day darkness. It is the first total solar eclipse to be historically documented. BOOYAKASHA!

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On this day in 1250, during the Seventh Crusade, the Ayyubids of Egypt capture King Louis IX of France in the Battle of Fariskur.

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On this day in 1808, Illuminati bloodline vampire John Jacob Astor incorporates the American Fur Company, that would eventually make him America's first millionaire.

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On this day in 1830, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the original church of the Latter Day Saint movement, is organized by Joseph Smith, Jr. and others at Fayette or Manchester, New York. Thirty years later to the day, on this day in 1860, the "Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" - later renamed Community of Christ - is organized by Joseph Smith III and others at Amboy, Illinois. Thirty three years later to the day, on this day in 1893, the Salt Lake Temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is dedicated by Wilford Woodruff.

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On this day in 1869, celluloid is patented, making the mass success of photography and cinema possible.

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On this day in 1909, Robert Peary and Matthew Henson reach the North Pole.

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On this day in 1930, Gandhi raises a lump of mud and salt and declares, "With this, I am shaking the foundations of the British Empire," beginning the Salt Satyagraha. Also on this day, bakery executive James Dewar invents the Twinkie. Rampant obesity and the lamest legal defense ever ensue.

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On this day in 1965, the Early Bird communications satellite is launched. It is the first such satellite to be placed in geosynchronous orbit.

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On this day in 1974, Swedish pop band ABBA wins the Eurovision Song Contest 1974 with the song "Waterloo", launching their international career.

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What could be more humiliating than being a penniless, washed up, 23-year-old former child star from a show that sucked, anyway? How about being penniless, washed up, 23-year-old child star who gets caught breaking into a drugstore in the middle of the night in a desperate bid to score those painkillers to which he first became addicted as a hard-partying, overpaid teen? That's what happened to former Eight is Enough star Adam Rich on this day in 1991.

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On this day in 1994, the Rwandan Genocide begins when the aircraft carrying Rwandan president Juvénal Habyarimana and Burundian president Cyprien Ntaryamira is shot down.

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On this day in 2005, Kurdish leader Jalal Talabani becomes Iraqi president; Shiite Arab Ibrahim al-Jaafari is named premier the next day.

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On this day in 2011, in San Fernando, Tamaulipas, Mexico, over 193 bodies are exhumed from several mass graves made by Los Zetas drugs/occult gang/cult.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 5

On this day in the year 2348 B.C., Noah's ark runs aground on Mount Ararat. Yeah… right.

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On this day in 1242, during a battle on the ice of Lake Peipus, Russian forces, led by Alexander Nevsky, rebuff an invasion attempt by the Teutonic Knights.

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On this day in 1614, in Virginia, Native American Pocahontas marries English colonist John Rolfe.

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On this day in 1621, the Mayflower sails from Plymouth on a return trip to England, taking back all the pathetic pussies who couldn't hack life in the New World.

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On this day in 1722, the Dutch explorer Jacob Roggeveen discovers Easter Island.

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On this day in the year 1770, British troops kill five and wound several more after a sentry guard is taunted and pelted with snowballs at the Boston customs building. This event – now called the Boston Massacre – was instrumental in achieving popular support for the American Revolution.

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On this day in 1900, archaeologists in Knossos, Crete, discover a large cache of clay tablets with hieroglyphic writing in a script they call Linear B.

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On this day in 1922, the American Birth Control League, forerunner of Planned Parenthood, is incorporated.

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On this day in 1933, U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signs two executive orders: 6101 to establish the Civilian Conservation Corps, and 6102 "forbidding the Hoarding of Gold Coin, Gold Bullion, and Gold Certificates" by U.S. citizens.

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On this day in 1949, Fireside Theater debuts on television.

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On this day in 1951, Ethel and Julius Rosenberg are sentenced to death for spying for the Soviet Union.

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On this day in 1958, Ripple Rock, an underwater threat to navigation in the Seymour Narrows in Canada is destroyed in one of the largest non-nuclear controlled explosions of the time.

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On this day in 1974, the World Trade Center first opens its doors. At the time, its Twin Towers were the world's tallest buildings… 110 stories high.

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On this day in 1976, in the People's Republic of China, the April Fifth Movement leads to the Tiananmen incident.

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On this day in 1987, upstart network FOX TV fires up its first night of programming, showcasing the proudly stupid sitcom Married With Children, and the proudly brainy sketchcom, The Tracey Ullman Show. Guess which one survived the longest? You know it, dumbass.

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On this day in 1992, Alberto Fujimori, president of Peru, dissolves the Peruvian congress by military force.

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On this day in 1992, the Siege of Sarajevo begins when Serb paramilitaries murder peace protesters Suada Dilberovic and Olga Sučić on the Vrbanja Bridge.

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On this day in 1994, Kurt Cobain decides it's better to burn out than to fade away. Either that, or Courtney paid someone to kill him. At least, that's what her dad says.

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On this day in 1999, two Libyans suspected of bringing down Pan Am flight 103 in 1988 are handed over for eventual trial in the Netherlands.

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On this day in 2009, North Korea launches its controversial Kwangmyŏngsŏng-2 rocket. The satellite passed over mainland Japan, which prompted an immediate reaction from the United Nations Security Council, as well as participating states of Six-party talks.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 4

On this day in 1147, we have the first historical record of Moscow.

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On this day in 1581, Francis Drake is knighted for completing a circumnavigation of the world.

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On this day in 1721, Sir Robert Walpole takes office as the first Prime Minister of the United Kingdom under King George I.

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On this day in 1768, in London, England, Great Britain, Philip Astley stages the first modern circus.

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On this day in 1841, President William Henry Harrison succumbs to pneumonia, thus becoming the first President of the United States to die in office. Harrison only served for one month, most of it bed-ridden, and he still managed to leave a greater legacy than Preznit Dubya.

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Happy Birthday NATO (North Atlantic Treaty Organization), which was signed into existence on this day in 1949. It MIGHT make it to it's 80th anniversary, due to DJ Trumpf.

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On this day in 1964, The Beatles occupy the TOP FIVE positions on the Billboard Hot 100 pop chart.

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On this day in 1967, Martin Luther King, Jr. delivers his "Beyond Vietnam: A Time to Break Silence" speech in New York City's Riverside Church. One year later, on this day in 1968, at 6:01 in the afternoon, the civil rights activist is leaning over the balcony railing of his second-floor room at the Motel Lorraine to speak to his chauffeur, when a slug from a high-powered rifle smashes through his chest, killing him. James Earl Ray is later arrested based on the testimony of Charles Stephens, who refuses to finger Ray until the FBI pays off his $30,000 bar tab, and who originally told police that the man he saw exiting the boarding house bathroom from whence the killshot had come was "a nigger." Click HERE if you're interested in finding out more well-documented weirdness surrounding the assassination of MLK.

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On this day in 1969, the most popular show on TV – The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour – is cancelled by CBS for airing political satire of the politically incorrect variety. Among their crimes, the Brothers dared to invite Pete Seeger, who sang an anti-war song on the air, in Prime Time. Adding insult to injury, the network replaced the vibrant, vital show with... Hee-Haw.

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On this day in 1973, the World Trade Center in New York is officially dedicated.

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The first entry in Winston Smith's diary as depicted in George Orwell's visionary dystopian novel Nineteen-Eighty Four, is written on this day in... you guessed it... 1984. You can read the entire novel online, for free, here.

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On this day in 1991, Senator John Heinz of Pennsylvania and six others are killed when a helicopter collides with their airplane over an elementary school in Merion, Pennsylvania.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 3

On this day in 1783, the governments of Sweden and the United States sign a treaty of Amity and Commerce. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1860, the Pony Express mail service begins with Henry Wallace riding west from Missouri, and John Roff riding east from Sacramento, California. Wallace ends up beating Roff by two days in their criss-crossy race, which spans eighteen hundred miles, and the entire nation's imagination is captured... for about a year and a half. But even though the Pony Express Company folded in October of 1861, its very existence helped inspire the creation of the federal mail service which, to this day, continues such proud traditions as stealing cash from our birthday cards and fomenting disgruntlement amongst the psychopathic loners in their employ.

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On this day in 1868, some crazy Hawaiian fucker surfs a fifty foot tidal wave, the biggest wave ever ridden by a surfer who survived.

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On this day in 1888, the first of eleven unsolved brutal murders of women committed in or near the impoverished Whitechapel district in the East End of London, occurs.

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On this day in 1895, the trial in the libel case brought by Oscar Wilde begins, eventually resulting in his imprisonment on charges of homosexuality.

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On this day in 1922, Joseph Stalin becomes the first General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.

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On this day, in the year 1930, the man formerly known as Ras Tafari becomes Haile Selassie - the Lion of Judah - Emperor of Ethiopia. So put on a Bob Marley CD, light up a fat one, and get to jammin... Ja mon!

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On this day in 1936, Bruno Richard Hauptmann is executed for the kidnapping and death of Charles Augustus Lindbergh, Jr., the baby son of pilot Charles Lindbergh.

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On this day in 1948, President Harry S. Truman signs the Marshall Plan, authorizing $5 billion in aid for 16 countries.

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After Triangle Publications bought up all the biggest regional television listings magazines in America - publications such as TV List, TV Forecast, TV Digest, Television Guide, TV God and The Idiot Box Times - the very first issue of TV Guide is published, nationwide, on this day in 1953. This is back in the day when we all still loved Lucy.

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On this day in 1955, the American Civil Liberties Union announces it will defend Allen Ginsberg's book Howl against obscenity charges.

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On this day in 1968, civil rights champion Martin Luther King Jr. predicts his own demise during the Mountaintop Speech. He would be dead, gunned down while chatting with well-wishers from a Memphis hotel balcony, within 24 hours. His killers have yet to be brought to justice.

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On this day in 1981, the Osborne 1, the first successful portable computer, is unveiled at the West Coast Computer Faire in San Francisco.

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On this day in 1988, Pittsburgh Penguin Mario Lemieux wins the NHL scoring title, putting an end to Wayne Gretzky's remarkable seven year streak, which causes the so-called "Great One" to cry like a freshly-spanked baby.

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On this day in 1996, after an 18-year reign of Luddite terror during which he killed 3 and maimed 29, Ted "the Unabomber" Kaczynski is arrested at his tiny cabin in the Montana wilderness. He was turned in by his brother, who always was a whiny little snitch. On that very same day, an Air Force 737 carrying Clinton administration Commerce Secretary Ron Brown flies into a mountain in Croatia. All 35 passengers and crew perish in the crash, sparking a flurry of conspiracy theories, of both the Negro and conservative variety, that make a whole helluva lot less sense than even the craziest theories about what really happened on 9/11, or in Butler, PA in the 2020s. 

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On this day in 2004, Islamic terrorists involved in the 11 March 2004 Madrid attacks are trapped by the police in their apartment and kill themselves.

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On this day in 2008, Texas law enforcement cordons off the FLDS's YFZ Ranch. Eventually 533 women and children will be removed and taken into state custody. This one goes a lot better than the one at Mount Carmel with the Branch Davidians. No kills at all!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 2

On this day in 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de León first sights land in what is now Florida. Claims that he discovered the Fountain of Youth have yet to be confirmed.

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On this day in 1792, the Coinage Act is passed establishing the United States Mint.

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On this day in 1866, President Andrew Johnson officially ends war in Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee and Virginia. He was a few decades premature, if you ask yer old pal Jerky.

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On this day in 1902, "Electric Theatre", the first full-time movie theater in the United States, opens in Los Angeles, California. Mass mind-control of the movie going public ensues.

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On this day in 1912, the ill-fated RMS Titanic begins sea trials.

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On this day in 1930, after the mysterious death of Empress Zewditu, Haile Selassie is proclaimed emperor of Ethiopia.

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On this day in 1956, As the World Turns and The Edge of Night premiere on CBS-TV. The two soaps become the first daytime dramas to debut in the 30-minute format.

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On this day in 1972, actor Charlie Chaplin returns to the United States for the first time since being labeled a communist during the Red Scare in the early 1950s.

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On this day in 1973, the launch of the LexisNexis computerized legal research service.

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On this day in 1975, construction of the CN Tower is completed in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. It reaches 553.33 metres (1,815.4 ft) in height, becoming the world's tallest free-standing structure.

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On this day in 1982, seeking to boost national morale, Argentine military dictator Leopoldo Galtieri sends in the troops to invade and capture the Falklands Islands, a British colony located about 300 miles south of the southern tip of the South American continent, home to roughly 1,800 English-speaking sheep farmers and not a whole lot else. Although no British subjects were injured during the invasion, British response was severe. Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher sent out 30 warships, which took several weeks to arrive. By the time it all was over, Britain had lost five ships and 256 lives, and Argentina had lost their only cruiser, as well as 750 lives. Within a year, civilian rule was restored in Argentina. Unfortunately, the same could not be said of England.

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On this day in 1992, in New York, Mafia boss John Gotti is convicted of murder and racketeering and is later sentenced to life in prison. Meanwhile, south of the Mason Dixon line, country singer Wynonna Judd performs her first concert without her mother. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 2004, Islamist terrorists involved in the 11 March 2004 Madrid attacks attempt to bomb the Spanish high-speed train AVE near Madrid; their attack is thwarted.

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On this day in 2005, Pope John Paul II passes away after a long illness, thus setting in motion the elaborate sequence of events that would ultimately culminate with "shock jock" Howard Stern leaving terrestrial radio for the freedom of satellite broadcasting... or something.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR APRIL 1

On this day in 527, Byzantine Emperor Justin I names his nephew Justinian I, co-ruler and successor to the throne. And that's where we get April Fool's Day from!

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On this day in 528, the daughter of Emperor Xiaoming of Northern Wei was made the "Emperor" as a male heir of the late emperor by Empress Dowager Hu, deposed and replaced by Yuan Zhao the next day; she was the first female monarch in the History of China, but not widely recognized.

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On this day in 1873, the British steamer RMS Atlantic sinks off Nova Scotia, killing 547.

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On this day in 1924, German rabble-rouser Adolf Hitler is sentenced to five years in jail for his participation in the Beer Hall Putsch. He only serves nine months of his sentence, during which time he writes Mein Kampf, explaining his personal philosophy of government. Roughly ten years later, in 1933, the newly-elected Nazi Party organizes a boycott of Jewish-owned businesses in Germany, a precursor to a series of laws that would eventually come to be known as the Holocaust.

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On this day in 1957, the BBC broadcasts the spaghetti tree hoax on its current affairs programme Panorama.

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On this day in 1970, President Richard Nixon signs the Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act into law, requiring the Surgeon General's warnings on tobacco products and banning cigarette advertisements on television and radio in the United States, starting on January 1, 1971.

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How appropriate is it that American Motors chose April Fool's Day, 1970 to introduce their latest model, the Gremlin?

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On this day in 1999, Nunavut is established as a semi-autonomous Canadian territory carved out of the eastern part of the Northwest Territories.

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On this day in 2004, Google announces Gmail to the public.

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On this day in 2011, after protests against the burning of the Quran turn violent, a mob attacks a United Nations compound in Mazar-i-Sharif, Afghanistan, resulting in the deaths of thirteen people, including eight foreign workers.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 31

On this day in 627, Muhammad successfully withstands a siege for 27 days at Medina (Saudi Arabia) by Meccan forces under Abu Sufyan.

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On this day in 1889, the Eiffel Tower is officially opened.

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On this day in 1903, Richard Pearse allegedly makes a powered flight in an early aircraft.

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On this day in 1909, the construction of the ill fated RMS Titanic begins.

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On this day in 1918, the very fabric of timespace is rent asunder when, for the first time ever, Daylight Savings Time goes into effect in the United States of America.

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On this day in 1930, the Motion Pictures Production Code is instituted after a handful of sexless goons suffer nervous breakdowns at the sight of Tarzan and Jane's severely foreshortened loincloths. Thus began a 40-year slump in American cinema that wouldn't snap until... oh, about the time Deep Throat was released.

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On this day in 1958, in the Canadian federal election, the Progressive Conservatives, led by John Diefenbaker, win the largest percentage of seats in Canadian history, with 208 seats of 265.

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On this day in 1959, the 14th Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, crosses the border into India and is granted political asylum.

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On this day in 1985, the first WrestleMania, the biggest wrestling event from the WWE (then the WWF), takes place in Madison Square Garden in New York.

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During this day's entire 24-hour span in the year 1988, not a single second of time elapses during which someone, somewhere, is NOT uttering every indignant carnivore's most favorite catch-phrase:"Where's the beef?!"

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On this day in 1991, former Partridge Family bassist Danny Bonaduce gets into a fist-fight with a transvestite prostitute in Phoenix. The next day, when people asked about his broken nose and black eye, Bonaduce replies: "You should see the other... individual."

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On this day in 1993, actor Brandon Lee, son of martial arts movie legend Bruce Lee, is accidentally killed during the filming of The Crow. Killer box office ensues.

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On this day in 1995, Selena, an American singer, was murdered by her friend and employee of her boutiques Yolanda Saldívar who was embezzling money from the establishments. The event was named "Black Friday" by Hispanics.

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On this day in 1996, chaos errupts at the 25th annual Nabisco Dinah Shore Golf Championship when winner Patty Sheehan refuses to French-kiss the eye-sockets on Dinah's mummified, severed head, as tradition demands.

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The women of Alabama could breathe a contented sigh of relief on this day in 1999, when a District Justice Lynwood Smith strikes down the ridiculous Alabama law banning the sale of vibrators, dildos, penis enlargers and other sex-oriented paraphernalia. Not that it mattered, any. Everybody knows Alabama women have a history of using whatever's handy - beer bottles, Lysol cans, fire extinguishers - whenever the itch strikes their 'nethers.

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On this day in 2004, In Fallujah, Iraq, four American private military contractors working for Blackwater USA, are killed after being ambushed. Their corpses are then burned and strung up in a morbid display. A shocked Anglo-American world recoils in terrified awe at this truly unprecedented display of raw brutality. Fucking hypocrites (see above).

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 30

Jewish scholar Moses Maimonides was born on this day in 1135. He was one of the foremost thinkers of the Middle Ages. Most famous for his tome, "Guide to the Perplexed", in which he attempted to reconcile religious belief and Aristotelian scholasticism. Ah, who am I trying to kid. He's really most famous for being name-dropped in the Simpsons episode where Krusty reunites with his estranged father, the Rabbi Krustofski.

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On this day in 1856, the Treaty of Paris is signed, ending the Crimean War.

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On this day in 1944, Allied bombing raid on Nuremberg. Along the English eastern coast 795 aircraft are dispatched, including 572 Lancasters, 214 Halifaxes and 9 Mosquitos. The bombers meet resistance at the coasts of Belgium and the Netherlands from German fighters. In total, 95 bombers are lost, making it the largest RAF Bomber Command loss of World War II.

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On this day in 1949, a riot breaks out in Austurvöllur square in Reykjavík, when Iceland joins NATO.

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On this day in 1954, the Yonge Street subway line opens in Toronto. It is the first subway in Canada.

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On this day in 1961, the Single Convention on Narcotic Drugs is signed in New York City.

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On this day in 1981, President Ronald Reagan is seriously wounded when John Hinckley Jr. opens fire on him, in the alleged hopes that his sure-to-be-publicized exploits will help him win over the object of his obsession, box-munching thespian Jodie Foster.

Interesting side-note: There is one degree of separation between the Bush family and John Hinckley Junior. John Hinckley Senior was a Texas petroleum entrepreneur who contributed substantial amounts of cash to the elder Bush's political campaign coffers, up to and including GHWB's failed bid for the Republican presidential nomination in 1980. Furthermore, Hinckley scion Scott was scheduled to dine with Bush scion Neil the day after John's unsuccessful attempt on Reagan's life. The dinner date was cancelled, which I guess explains why the mainstream press mostly chose to ignore this incredible jumble of "coincidences."

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 29

On this day in 1632, the treaty of Saint-Germain is signed returning Quebec to French control after the English had seized it in 1629.

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On this day in 1683, Yaoya Oshichi, 15-year-old Japanese girl, burnt at the stake for an act of arson committed due to unrequited love.

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On this day in 1792, King Gustav III of Sweden dies after being shot in the back at a midnight masquerade ball at Stockholm's Royal Opera 13 days earlier. He is succeeded by Gustav IV Adolf.

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On this day in the year 1827, over twenty-thousand mourners – many of them physically overwhelmed by grief – show up to watch as cultural titan Ludwig van Beethoven is lowered into the cold, damp ground of his beloved Vienna.

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On this day in 1848, the Niagara Falls stop flowing for a full 30 hours as the water is held back by a mighty jam of hard-packed ice.

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On this day in 1867, Queen Victoria gives Royal Assent to the British North America Act which establishes the Dominion of Canada on July 1.

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On this day in 1871, the Royal Albert Hall is opened by Queen Victoria.

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On this day in 1882, a bunch of disgruntled Catholics get together and form the Knights of Columbus as an alternative secret society to the Freemasons, which frowned upon "Papists" for reasons that should be obvious to anybody who knows anything about the origins of Freemasonry. Their greatest contribution to society so far? Getting "under God" added to the Pledge of Allegiance in 1954, then convincing a nation of sheep that it was there all along.

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On this day in 1936, in Germany, Adolf Hitler receives 99% of the votes in a referendum to ratify Germany's illegal reoccupation of the Rhineland, receiving 44.5 million votes out of 45.5 million registered voters.

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On this day in 1951, Ethel and Julius Rosenberg are convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage.

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On this day in 1971, Lieutenant William Calley is convicted of premeditated murder and sentenced to life in prison for the My Lai massacre in Vietnam.

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On this day in 1982, the Canada Act 1982 (U.K.) receives the Royal Assent from Queen Elizabeth II, setting the stage for the Queen of Canada to proclaim the Constitution Act, 1982.

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On this day in 1989, not-gay actor Tom Cruise experiences elation and suffers humiliation on the very same day, when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awards the Oscar for best picture to Rainman, and the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation awards the Razzie for worst picture to Cocktail.

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On this day in 1991, White House advisor Karl Rove's mentor, Republican political strategist Lee Atwater, dies of a brain tumor at the ripe old age of 40. Among his many crimes - and they were legion - taking part in the destruction of popular music was among the worst. Renouncing his ways on his deathbed probably didn't prevent him from being cast into the shitty-most bowels of Hell, where he still burns to this day.

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On this day in 1999, the Dow Jones Industrial Average closes above the 10,000 mark (10,006.78) for the first time, during the height of the internet boom.

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On this day in 2010, two female suicide bombers hit the Moscow Metro system at the peak of the morning rush hour, killing 40.

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And finally, on this day in 2014, the first same sex weddings are being performed in England and Wales, right now, as you read this. Mazel-Tov!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 28

On this day in 845, Paris is sacked by Viking raiders, probably under Ragnar Lodbrok, who collects a huge ransom in exchange for leaving.

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On this day in 1566, the foundation stone of Valletta, Malta's capital city, is laid by Jean Parisot de Valette, Grand Master of the Sovereign Military Order of Malta.

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On this day in 1802, Heinrich Wilhelm Matthäus Olbers discovers 2 Pallas, the second asteroid known to man.

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On this day in 1854, during the first Crimean War, France and Britain declare war on Russia.

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On this day in 1871, the Paris Commune is formally established in Paris.

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On this day in 1933, the Imperial Airways biplane City of Liverpool is believed to be the first airline lost to sabotage when a passenger sets a fire on board.

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On this day in 1945, German V-1 buzz bombs rain down on London for the last time before the end of the war. Read Thomas Pynchon's excellent, mind-bending novel Gravity's Rainbow for a well-rounded view of the philosophical/metaphysical implications/consequences of the technological slippery-slope that led directly from these fascinating and deadly creations.

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On this day in 1946, the United States State Department releases the Acheson–Lilienthal Report, outlining a plan for the international control of nuclear power.

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On this day in 1969, the "McGill français movement" protest occurs, the second largest protest in Montreal's history with 10,000 trade unionists, leftist activists, college students, and some McGill students at McGill's Roddick Gates. The majority of the protesters are arrested.

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On this day in 1979, the 3 Mile Island nuclear power plant comes this close to full-on, Chernobyl-style MELTDOWN in Middletown, Pennsylvania. Kinda gives a lot more satirical heft to Homer's safety-ignoring power-plant antics in The Simpsons, when you think about it.

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On this day in 1990, President George H. W. Bush posthumously awards Jesse Owens the Congressional Gold Medal.

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On this day in 1994, fans, friends and family of John Lennon and Elvis Presley all feel a little weight lifting from their shoulders as reviled "biographer" Albert Goldman shuffles off this mortal coil at the tender age of 66 from a debilitating, painful "mystery disease." 

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 27

On this day in 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de León reaches the northern end of The Bahamas on his first voyage to Florida.

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On this day in 1625, Charles I becomes King of England, Scotland and Ireland as well as claiming the title King of France.

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On this day in 1814, in central Alabama, U.S. forces under General Andrew Jackson defeat the Creek at the Battle of Horseshoe Bend.

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On this day in 1836, the Goliad massacre takes place when Antonio López de Santa Anna orders the Mexican army to kill about 400 Texas POWs at Goliad, Texas.

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On this day in 1854, the United Kingdom declares war on Russia. It's the Crimean War: Phase One.

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On this day in 1886, famous Apache warrior, Geronimo, surrenders to the U.S. Army, ending the main phase of the Apache Wars.

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On this day in 1915, Typhoid Mary, the first healthy carrier of disease ever identified in the United States, is put in quarantine, where she would remain for the rest of her life.

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On this day in 1958, Nikita Khrushchev becomes Premier of the Soviet Union.

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On this day in 1964, the Good Friday Earthquake, the most powerful earthquake in U.S. history at a magnitude of 9.2 strikes South Central Alaska, killing 125 people and inflicting massive damage to the city of Anchorage.

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On this day in 1977, two Boeing 747 airliners collide on a foggy runway on Tenerife in the Canary Islands, killing 583 (all 248 on KLM and 335 on Pan Am). Sixty-one survived on the Pan Am flight. This is the worst aviation accident in history.

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On this day in 1980, the Norwegian oil platform Alexander L. Kielland collapses in the North Sea, killing 123 of its crew of 212.

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On this day in 1981, the Solidarity movement in Poland stages a warning strike, in which at least 12 million Poles walk off their jobs for four hours.

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On this day in 1998, the Food and Drug Administration approves Viagra for use as a treatment for male impotence, the first pill to be approved for this condition in the United States.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 26

On this day in 1169, Saladin becomes the emir of Egypt.

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On this day in 1351, 30 Breton (French) Knights call out and defeat 30 English Knights.

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On this day in 1484, William Caxton prints his translation of Aesop's Fables.

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On this day in 1552, Guru Amar Das becomes the Third Sikh Guru.

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On this day in 1790, the shoelace is invented, thus sending the Velcro industry into a tail-spin from which it wouldn't recover until Americans became so collectively obese that spending more than a few quick seconds with hands at foot level became unbearable, thus sparking a revival.

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On this day in 1812, a political cartoon in the Boston Gazette coins the term "gerrymander" to describe oddly shaped electoral districts designed to help incumbents win reelection.

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On this day in 1830, the Book of Mormon is published in Palmyra, New York.

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On this day in 1885, the Métis people of the District of Saskatchewan under Louis Riel begin the North-West Rebellion against Canada.

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On this day in 1945, the Battle of Iwo Jima ends as the island is officially secured by American forces.

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On this day in 1975, the Biological Weapons Convention comes into force.

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On this day in 1979, Anwar al-Sadat, Menachem Begin and Jimmy Carter sign the Israel-Egypt Peace Treaty in Washington, D.C. and they all lived happily ever after!

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On this day in 1991, 5 South Korean boys, nicknamed the Frog Boys, disappear while hunting for frogs and are murdered in a case that remains unsolved.

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On this day in 1997, 39 members of the Heaven's Gate cult – all intelligent, educated, marginally functional members of society – commit mass suicide in a rented mansion just outside San Diego. According to their extensive online ramblings, they killed themselves to evolve beyond the trappings of human flesh, and were hoping to hitch a ride on some kind of giant alien Space Ark hidden in the tail of then-approaching Hale-Bopp Comet. Yer old pal Jerky was originally going to point out that it takes real balls to die for what you believe in – no matter how goofy – but then he remembered that those guys were all castrated, totally throwing the balls-to-suicide ratio theory out of whack.

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On this day in the year 2228, James Tiberius Kirk is born. While attending Starfleet Academy, Kirk becomes the only student to ever defeat the dreaded Kobyashi Maru simulation test (he does so by cheating). The highlight of his long and illustrious career with Starfleet is his stint as captain of the USS Enterprise. Well... that, and fucking all those alien chicks.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 25

On this day in 1911, a fast-moving fire swept through the Triangle Shirtwaist Company, a garment sweatshop located in New York City's Lower East Side. If any of the hundreds who gathered to watch this drama unfold were in the mood for carnage, they were in luck. Trapped on the ninth and tenth floors behind fire exits that were locked shut by the company, employees - mostly young immigrant women - had two options: either be burned alive or hurl their bodies down to the pavement below.

Sophie Salami and Della Costello were the first to leap, and they did so together, arm in arm. Helpless would-be rescuers watched as a fifteen-year-old girl, chased by flames, crawled out a window and held on for long, screaming minutes. When she finally fell to her death, firemen saw that her hands had roasted through. Three brave laborers in a neighboring building formed a human chain across which a few women were able to crawl to safety. These brave men persevered, but their bodies eventually failed and they, too, fell to their doom.

Sisters, daughters, mothers and grandmothers wrapped rags around their heads - some making the sign of the cross - and jumped. Up to five at a time, sometimes holding hands. Witnesses described the infernal sight of doomed women plummeting, fire streaming back from their hair and dresses, smashing into - and, in some cases, through - the pavement. Shock-frazzled firemen watched, helpless, as girl after girl ripped through their outstretched rescue nets as though they were made out of cobwebs.

By the time it was over, one hundred and forty-six people were dead. Police found 25 charred corpses in the elevator shaft. Another two dozen bodies were found melted against the locked steel door on the ninth floor. Piles of bodies were found huddled together in cloakrooms and hallways. It was, up until that time, one of the worst industrial catastrophes ever.

And why did all those people die? Because the factory owners were worried about their workers using the back way out to steal needles, fabric and supplies.

If you didn't find the above story depressing enough, check out this incredible online resource by Cornell University for more information, including original newspaper reports, photographs, and some powerful editorial cartoons about the fire.

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Also on this day...

On this day in 1896, the Olympics tradition is re-launched in Athens, Greece, after a two-thousand-plus year hiatus. Unfortunately for the Greeks, the new International Olympic Committee balks at their request to once again make athletes compete in the nude. They are also pretty miffed when the IOC says "no" to bringing back the traditional post-decathalon gay orgy.

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On this day in the year 1993, the FBI give Branch Davidian cult leader David Koresh an ultimatum: at least 10 people must leave the compound by 4 p.m., or some action will be taken. Koresh stands firm. At 4 p.m., armored vehicles scoop away the motorcycles and go-carts that litter the area around the compound.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MARCH 24

On this day in 1832, in Hiram, Ohio a group of men beat, tar and feather Mormon leader Joseph Smith.

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On this day in 1837, Canada gives African Canadian men the right to vote.

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On this day in 1896, A.S. Popov makes the first radio signal transmission in history.

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On this day in 1944, German troops murder 335 Italian civilians in Rome. Meanwhile, in Germany, in an event later dramatized in the movie The Great Escape, 76 Allied prisoners of war begin breaking out of the German camp Stalag Luft III.

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On this day in 1958, Rock'N'Roll teen idol Elvis Presley is drafted in the U.S. Army. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1965, NASA spacecraft Ranger 9, equipped to convert its signals into a form suitable for showing on domestic television, brings images of the Moon into ordinary homes before crash landing.

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On this day in 1972, the United Kingdom imposes direct rule over Northern Ireland.

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On this day in 1976, in Argentina, the armed forces overthrow the constitutional government of President Isabel Perón and start a 7-year dictatorial period self-styled the National Reorganization Process. Since 2006, a public holiday known as Day of Remembrance for Truth and Justice is held on this day.

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On this day in 1980, Archbishop Óscar Romero is killed while celebrating Mass in San Salvador.

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On this day in 1989, thanks to the drunken antics of skipper Ron Hazelwood, the Exxon Valdez runs into some rocks and spills 11.3 MILLION GALLONS of crude off the pristine Alaska coastline. Just to put the magnitude of this waste into its proper perspective: that's enough fuel to keep about a half-dozen of your average SUVs running for an entire WEEKEND!

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On this day in 1998, the Jonesboro Horror takes place, in which Mitchell Johnson, 13, and Andrew Golden, 11, play a real-life, one-sided game of Unreal Tournament with their classmates. The previous day, Johnson had "joked" with friends he had "a lot of killing to do" because he was upset at being rejected by girls at the school. After pulling a fire alarm, Golden ran to join his buddy Johnson in the woods 100 yards from the school's exit, a sniper's perch from which they fired upon the emerging students and teachers, killing five and wounding ten. When the police caught up with the boys and their stolen van later that same day, they found an impressive array of firearms and other weapons, all of which had been pilfered from the Golden family's massive personal armory. Much to the NRA's chagrin, it was later learned that both boys had been raised around guns, both belonged to gun clubs, and both had participated in practical shooting competitions, which involves firing at moving simulated human targets. Too young to be tried as adults, the boys were held in a facility built special for them by the Arkansas department of corrections, until they turned 21, at which point, both men were released. Sick, sad, and true.

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On this day in 1999, the Mont Blanc Tunnel fire kills 38 people.

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On this day in 1999, NATO commences aerial bombardment against Yugoslavia, marking the first time NATO has attacked a sovereign country.

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On this day in 2003, the Arab League votes 21-1 in favor of a resolution demanding the immediate and unconditional removal of U.S. and British soldiers from Iraq.

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Believe it or not, today is National Pecan Day in the USA. So today, in order to show your appreciation for all those hard working pecan ranchers out there – those brave men and women who keep our pecan pies nice and jam-packed with delicious pecans – why not go out and beat up a walnut rancher? Come on, you know you wanna!