PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 29 (LEAP YEAR!)

HAPPY LEAP YEAR, FOLKS! The Earth completes its orbit around the Sun in 365 days, 5 hours, 49 minutes, and 16 seconds (365.2425 days). That's why we add a calendar day every four years. Unfortunately, that leaves an excess of 42 minutes and 52 seconds each time, or about 3 days every 400 years.

To compensate for this, three days are removed every 400 years. This adjustment is made by having an exception to the general rule that there is a leap year every four years. Instead, a year divisible by 100 is not a leap year unless that year was also exactly divisible by 400! 

This means that the years 2000 was the last "centenary leap year", that the last centenary leap year took place in 1600, and that the next centenary leap year will take place in 2400! So unless you're younger than 16, you were around for the last one, and NOBODY alive today will be around for the next one (unless something really sci-fi and revolutionary happens in the medical or pharmaceutical sciences). 

Anyway, just because February 29 only comes around with about a quarter the frequency of every other calendar day, that doesn't mean nothing ever happens on it! Here are a few things that happened... ON THIS DAY!

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On this day in 1504, controversial explorer Christopher Columbus uses his knowledge of an upcoming lunar eclipse to convince a tribe of Native Americans to provide him with supplies. Tricky bugger.

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On this day in 1912, the 300-ton "Piedra Movediza" (or "Moving Stone") of Tandil, Argentina, near Buenos Aires, falls and breaks due to either vandalism (fawk!) or vibrations from a nearby construction project (d'oh!).

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On this day in 1940, actress Hattie McDaniel - who don't know nuthin bout birthin no babies -becomes the first African American to win an Academy Award. It is the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, in recognition for her performance as "Mammy", in Gone with the Wind.

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On this day in 1980, hockey legend Gordie Howe of the then Hartford Whalers makes NHL history as he scores his 800th goal.

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On this day in 1988, for the first time ever, a member of the Canadian House of Commons comes out as gay. His name? Svend Robinson. He'd been serving since 1979, and he served until 2004. He won seven elections. And yet, in Canada, his permanent legacy is that of a bipolar gay guy who tried and failed to steal an expensive ring, effectively bringing his political career to a dead stop.

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On this day in 2004, after a complicated series of gangland slayings and public riots, democratically-elected Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide is removed from power (he says kidnapped) and flown to Jamaica, then South Africa, in a forced exile following a coup that was supposedly masterminded by the USA, France and (really?!) CANADA!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 27

 

On this day in 1812, poet Lord Byron gives his first address as a member of the House of Lords, in defense of Luddite violence against Industrialism in his home county of Nottinghamshire.

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On this day in 1827, Mardi Gras is celebrated for the first time ever in the city of New Orleans, and aside from a few floods, a Civil War, a deadly influenza epidemic and the birth of disco… it's been one long party ever since!

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On this day in 1860, Abraham Lincoln makes a speech at Cooper Union in the city of New York that is largely responsible for his election to the Presidency.

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On this day in 1900, the British Labour Party is founded.

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On this day in 1933, Germany's parliament building in Berlin, the Reichstag, is set on fire. Some people say the Nazis set it on fire on purpose, to assume draconian anti-terrorism powers. But they could have done so either way.

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On this day in 1951, the Twenty-second Amendment to the United States Constitution, limiting Presidents to two terms, is ratified.

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On this day in 1957, Chinese leader Mao Tse Dung delivers his stirring oratory: "On the Correct Handling of Contradictions Among People." The codicil decreeing that "the family should be billed for the bullet" was later added to the printed version by persons unknown.

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On this day in 1971, doctors in the first Dutch abortion clinic (the Mildredhuis in Arnhem) start to perform aborti provocati.

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On this day in 1973, the American Indian Movement (AIM) occupies Wounded Knee, South Dakota.

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On this day in 1974, People Magazine publishes its first issue. Collective brain damage via celebrity trivia overload ensues.

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On this day in 1981, Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder record Ebony & Ivory, the song which ended all racism, everywhere. 

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On this day in 1991, U.S. President George H. W. Bush announces that "Kuwait is liberated", thus bringing an end to the first Gulf War. Also on this day, millionaire pornography impresario Artie Mitchell is shot to death by his brother and business partner Jim at his luxurious home in San Francisco. After an OJ-esque trial where extensive use was made of computer-generated re-creations of the crime scene, Jim Mitchell was found guilty of manslaughter and sentenced to a mere six years in the slammer. He's back on the streets, now, running a strip club.

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On this day in 1998, Apple discontinues developing their Newton line of computers. All together now… AWWWW!!!

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On this day in 2003, Fred Rogers, ordained Presbyterian minister and beloved host of PBS's long-running Mister Roger's Neighborhood, dies of stomach cancer at his home in Pittsburgh. He was seventy four years old. Over a career that spanned children's educational television from its humble, black and white beginnings in the early sixties, through the elaborate musical numbers of the seventies, beyond the eighties and its cults of personality, and all the way through the surrealism of the nineties, Mister Rogers' brand of gentle entertainment not only survived, but thrived. His show was, in fact, at its most popular in the mid-80's. The fact that his show did so well without ever making any substantial changes makes his achievement doubly amazing. By all accounts, Fred Rogers was the proverbial "good man." His family loved him. Kids truly loved him. People caught in the grips of grindingly bad acid trips loved him for the Valium-like effect he had on the state of their souls. But hey... he had to kick the bucket some time! Am I right, people?!

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On this day in 2004, the initial version of the John Jay Report, with details about the Catholic sexual abuse scandal in the United States, is released.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 26

 

On this day in 747 BC, the origin of Ptolemy's Nabonassar Era... whatever that is.

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On this day in 1616, representatives from the Spanish Inquisition deliver an injunction to Galileo, instructing him to keep his mouth shut about all that "science" and "outer space" stuff. According to official documents in the Vatican archives, Galileo is currently writhing in an ever-burning oven down in Hell, ruing the day he decided to cross the Catholic Church by thinking for himself. But never forget, folks… God LOVES you!

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On this day in 1815, Napoleon Bonaparte escapes from Elba.

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On this day in 1848, Marx and Engels publish their Communist Manifesto. Chaos ensues. 

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On this day in 1917, the Original Dixieland Jass Band records the first jazz record, for the Victor Talking Machine Company in New York.

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On this day in 1919, President Woodrow Wilson signs an act of the U.S. Congress establishing most of the Grand Canyon as a United States National Park - the Grand Canyon National Park.

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On this day in 1920, the first German Expressionist film and early horror movie, Robert Wiene's The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, receives its première in Berlin.

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On this day in 1926, Dark Street in the Bronx renamed Lustre Street. It changes nothing.

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On this day in 1930, the first ever red/green traffic lights are installed in Manhattan, New York. Hundreds of commuters perish in horrific head-ons as most drivers are hypnotized by the mysterious-yet-beautiful luminous street ornaments. 

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On this day in 1935, Adolf Hitler orders the Luftwaffe to be re-formed, violating the provisions of the Treaty of Versailles.

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On this day in 1983. Michael "Jacko" Jackson's Thriller album claims the number one spot on the Billboard charts and remains there for an astonishing 37 weeks. Yer old pal Jerky figures the only reason this album was so successful is because Vincent Price makes a special guest vocal appearance on the title track.

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On this day in 1987, the Tower Commission rebukes President Ronald Reagan for not controlling his national security staff during the Iran-Contra affair.

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On this day in 1993, the World Trade Center is bombed by militant Islamic terrorists. 7 people die and scores are injured in the massive blast, which knocks away three floors of underground parking. If the explosion at the base of the Twin Towers had been just a little bit more powerful, it would have collapsed both buildings, most likely killing most of the estimated forty thousand workers, tenants and tourists who were in the building at the time.

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On this day in 1994, stand-up philosopher Bill Hicks dies of pancreatic cancer at the ripe old age of 33. The dissident Texan has been dead for a decade, and his words are more relevant now than ever before... almost prophetically so. See today's "Google This" for more details, and download some of his comedy routines off Kazaa or something, while you still can.

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On this day in 1998, Oprah Winfrey wins her "battle of the titans" when she beat a bunch of litigious Texas cattlemen who sued the BSE-freaked TV hostess for telling her millions-strong viewing audience she'd never eat another hamburger.

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On this day in 1999, Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) and Senator Robert Bennet (R-Utah) - ranking members of the Senate Special Committee on the Y2K Problem - went on CBS's Face the Nation and basically freaked out the entire panel. Of the then-looming Y2K disaster, the Senators said: "This is one of the most serious and potentially devastating events this nation has ever encountered." They claimed that the millennial chaos could include lives lost to malfunctioning medical equipment, erased banking records, massive blackouts and missiles from other countries automatically launching themselves. "Any responsible household would prepare and have on hand a two- or three-day supply." Eventually, of course, it was discovered that the whole Y2K thing was a load of hogshit devised by The Powers That Be to fuck up what would otherwise have been the ultimate New Year's Eve party of all fucking time. And, seeing as most people stayed home on the night of Dec 31, shotguns across their laps, ready to defend their 30-lb containers of Minute Rice and their bathtubs full of spring water, it looks like the party-pooping finger-sniffers succeeded.

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On this day in 2013, a hot air balloon crashes near Luxor, Egypt, killing 19 people.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 25

 On this day in 1336, 4,000 defenders of Pilėnai commit a mass suicide rather than be taken captive by the Teutonic Knights.

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On this day in 1570, Pope Pius V excommunicates Queen Elizabeth I of England.

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On this day in 1751, the first performing monkey is exhibited in America. At the time, nobody could have guessed that this was the inaugural trip at the top of the slippery slope that led to a performing monkey being installed in the White House, two and a half centuries later. 

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On this day in 1838, a man in London walks 20 miles backwards, then retraces his route (walking forwards this time) in an astonishing 8 hour marathon of idiocy. Now you know what people did before television came along to fill their empty, meaningless lives!

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On this day in 1866, miners in Calaveras County, California, discover what is now called the Calaveras Skull, human remains that supposedly indicated that man, mastodons, and elephants had co-existed.

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On this day in 1870, Hiram Rhodes Revels, a Republican from Mississippi, is sworn into the United States Senate, becoming the first African American ever to sit in the U.S. Congress.

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On this day in 1901, conspiracy-magnet J.P. Morgan incorporates the United States Steel Corporation.

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On this day in 1932, Adolf Hitler obtains German citizenship by naturalization, which allows him to run in the 1932 election for Reichspräsident.

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On this day in 1956, in his speech On the Personality Cult and its Consequences Nikita Khrushchev, leader of the Soviet Union denounces the cult of personality of Joseph Stalin.

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On this day in 1960, avant garde composer John Cage's Music for Amplified Toy Pianos is first performed. Unfortunately for the audience, the piece really does sound like a bunch of toy pianos, amplified. Cage achieved his unique sound for the piece by taking actual toy pianos… and amplifying them. What a GENIUS!

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On this day in 1964, boxer Cassius Clay TKOs the fearsome champion, Sonny Liston, in the 7th round, thus winning the world heavyweight championship. Cassius would go on to convert to Islam, change his name, dodge the draft, and gain international recognition as a Great American. Seems incongruous now, doesn't it?

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On this day in 1982, the final episode of The Lawrence Welk Show airs. Bubbles ensue.

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On this day in 1986, President of the Philippines Ferdinand Marcos flees the nation after 20 years of rule; Corazon Aquino becomes the Philippines' first woman president.

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On this day in 1989, the Dallas Cowboys NFL franchise fires legendary coach Tom Landry after a storied 29-year career. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1991, during the Gulf War, an Iraqi Scud missile hits an American military barracks in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia killing 28 U.S. Army Reservists from Pennsylvania.

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On this day in 1991, the Warsaw Pact is declared disbanded.

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On this day in 1994, in the Cave of the Patriarchs in the West Bank city of Hebron, Baruch Goldstein opens fire with an automatic rifle, killing 29 Palestinian worshippers and injuring 125 more before being subdued and beaten to death by survivors.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 24

 

On this day in 1303, the Battle of Roslin takes place during the First War of Scottish Independence.

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On this day in the year 1807, seventeen sadistic voyeurs get what they deserve when they are trampled into a foamy pink pulp while attempting to get a good view of a triple public execution in jolly old England.

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On this day in 1821, Mexico gains its independence from Spain.

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On this day in 1822, the 1st Swaminarayan temple in the world, Shri Swaminarayan Mandir, Ahmedabad, is inaugurated.

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On this day in 1868, Andrew Johnson becomes the first President of the United States to be impeached by the United States House of Representatives. He is later acquitted in the Senate.

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On this day in 1920, the Nazi Party is founded.

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On this day in 1923, in an all-out effort to eliminate the competition, the US federal government launches a wave of Mafia arrests.

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On this day in 1933, the League of Nations tells Japan to pull out of Manchuria. Japan objects on the grounds that it hasn't blown its load, yet.

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On this day in 1942, an order-in-council passed under the Defence of Canada Regulations of the War Measures Act gives the Canadian federal government the power to intern all "persons of Japanese racial origin".

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On this day in 1945, Egyptian Premier Ahmed Maher Pasha is killed in Parliament after reading a decree.

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On this day in 1980, the United States Olympic Hockey team completes their Miracle on Ice by defeating Finland 4-2 to win the gold medal.

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On this day in 1988, the United States Supreme Court overturns a $200,000 settlement awarded to Jerry Falwell over his claim that he suffered emotional distress when he was jokingly accused of having lost his virginity to his own mother during a drunken tryst in an outhouse by one of the writers at Hustler Magazine. Ultimately, the Supes decided that, although in poor taste, Hustler's parody was protected by the First Amendment. We here at the Daily Dirt get down on our knees and thank Godzilla for this great precedent, every day.

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On this day in 1989, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini offers a US$3 million bounty for the death of The Satanic Verses author Salman Rushdie. Meanwhile, over the Pacific Ocean, United Airlines Flight 811, bound for New Zealand from Honolulu, Hawaii, rips open during flight, blowing 9 passengers out of the business-class section. And finally, also on this day, a security guard finds a fat, ugly super-fan by the name of Margaret Ray in David Letterman's house (the late night host was away at the time). When confronted, Ray claims to be Letterman's wife, but her story fails to wash. Ray's obsession eventually switches targets, focusing instead on moon-walking All-American, Buzz Aldrin. Soon after that, she knelt down on some train tracks and kissed a high-balling freight train goodbye.

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On this day in 2008, Fidel Castro retires as the President of Cuba after nearly fifty years.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 23

 

If at first you don't succeed... on this day in the year 1574, Catholic France begins its fifth "Holy War" against French Protestant Huguenots. The reason why you don't know what a Huguenot is, is because they killed them all.

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On this day in 1820, a plot to murder all the British cabinet ministers is exposed. The Cato Street Conspiracy.

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On this day in 1836, the Battle of the Alamo begins in San Antonio, Texas.

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On this day in 1861, President-elect Abraham Lincoln arrives secretly in Washington, D.C., after the thwarting of an alleged assassination plot in Baltimore, Maryland.

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On this day in 1896, the Tootsie Roll is invented.

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On this day in 1898, writer Émile Zola is imprisoned in France after writing "J'accuse", a letter accusing the French government of antisemitism and wrongfully imprisoning Captain Alfred Dreyfus.

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On this day in 1903, Cuba leases Guantánamo Bay to the United States "in perpetuity".

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On this day in 1918, the last monarch of Mecklenburg-Strelitz commits suicide.

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On this day in 1927, German theoretical physicist Werner Heisenberg writes a letter to fellow physicist Wolfgang Pauli, in which he describes his uncertainty principle for the first time.

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On this day in 1941, Plutonium is first produced and isolated by Dr. Glenn T. Seaborg.

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On this day in 1954, the first mass inoculation of children against polio with the Salk vaccine begins in Pittsburgh.

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On this day in 1987, Supernova 1987a is seen in the Large Magellanic Cloud.

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On this day in 1997, a small fire occurs in the Russian space station, Mir.

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It was on this day in 1999 that yer old pal Jerky took over writing duties on The Daily Dirt from the previous author, Pig McBaker, after Pig decided to pursue career opportunities in Angola, where he worked alongside Jonas Malheiro Savimbi, leader of the Angolan rebel group UNITA. Unfortunately, Savimbi was killed by the Angolan army a while back, and yer old pal Jerky hasn't heard from Pig ever since. Hey, Pig! If you're reading this, drop us a line and let us know you're still out there!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 22

 

On this day in 1455, inventor Johannes Gutenberg prints the first-ever "mass produced" book: the Holy Bible. It immediately rockets to the top of the bestseller charts.

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On this day in the year 1630, native Americans introduce malnourished pilgrims to the delicacy we now call popcorn during a Thanksgiving feast. The pilgrims show their appreciation for the natives' generosity by giving them bibles, fire-water and smallpox-infested blankets.

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On this day in 1821, Spain sells a huge chunk of Florida to the United States for $5 million bucks. In other words, they totally ripped us off!

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On this day in 1651, a storm surge floods Germany coast, drowning 15.000 people in what people call St. Peter's Flood.

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On this day in 1879, in Utica, New York, Frank Woolworth opens the first of many of 5 and dime Woolworth stores.

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On this day in 1945, four US Marines create the "photo op of the century" when they raise the flag on Iwo Jima.

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On this day in 1973, following President Richard Nixon's visit to the People's Republic of China, the two countries agree to establish liaison offices. One year later, on this day in 1974, Samuel Byck tries and fails to assassinate Nixon.

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On this day in 1980, in Lake Placid, New York, the United States hockey team defeats the Soviet Union hockey team 4-3 in a game that has been dubbed the Miracle on Ice.

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On this day in 1983, the notorious Broadway flop Moose Murders opens and closes on the same night at the Eugene O'Neill Theatre.

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On this day in 1985, the Senate confirms Edwin Meese III as Ronald Reagan's Attorney General. He is only marginally less puritanical, corrupt and religiously insane than Dubya's boy, Jesus H. Ashcroft.

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On this day in 1994, Aldrich Ames and his wife are charged by the United States Department of Justice with spying for the Soviet Union.

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Also on this day, in 1992, Kurt "Voice of a Generation" Cobain and Courtney "Fucked the Voice of a Generation" Love get married, and live happily ever after.

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On this day in 1997, scientists in Scotland announce the successful cloning of Dolly the Sheep, the first mammal ever to be cloned from adult cells. It was one small step for science, and a giant leap forward in the Scottish plot to breed a race of sexually irresistible super-sheep.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 21

 

On this day in 1808, without a previous declaration of war, Russian troops cross the border to Sweden at Abborfors in eastern Finland, thus beginning the Finnish war, in which Sweden will lose the eastern half of the country (Finland) to Russia.

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On this day in 1828, the first American Indian newspaper debuts. A weekly, Georgia's Cherokee Phoenix is mostly remembered for its boring comics page, which consisted exclusively of stick figure men chucking spears at crudely drawn buffalo. 

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On this day in 1848, Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish The Communist Manifesto.

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On this day in 1878, the first telephone book is issued in New Haven, Connecticut.

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On this day in 1885, the Washington Monument is formally dedicated in honor of America's first president, George Washington. At the time, the 555-foot obelisk was the tallest man-made structure in the world, and is still the tallest structure in the nation's capital, by decree of law. Some trouble-makers claim the majestic, masonic structure looks like a big white cock, but yer old pal Jerky thinks it looks more like... um... a big white cock with a little pyramid where the glans should be, I guess.

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On this day in 1887, the first US bacteriology laboratory opens in Brooklyn, New York. Bacteriological research ensues. 

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On this day in 1925, the first issue of smart-set fave The New Yorker Magazine is published, to the flutter of dainty, white-gloved applause. Unfortunately, The New Yorker rarely if ever publishes any information real New Yorkers can use, like how to survive a Central Park swarming, or which cab companies employ the least "disgruntled" foreigners.

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On this day in 1947, inventor E.H. Land demonstrates the first ever "instant developing" camera in New York, forever changing the way modern man hunts beavers.

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On this day in 1948, NASCAR is incorporated. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1958, the peace symbol, commissioned by Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament in protest against the Atomic Weapons Research Establishment, is designed and completed by Gerald Holtom. Of course, conservative movementarians and Dark Christians claim the symbol is "Satanic".

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On this day in 1965, Malcolm X is assassinated at the Audubon Ballroom in New York City by members of the Nation of Islam.

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On this day in 1973, over the Sinai Desert, Israeli fighter aircraft shoot down Libyan Arab Airlines Flight 114 jet killing 108.

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On this day in 1988, his squinty eyes pouring crocodile tears, televangelist Jimmy Swaggart goes before his sheep-like tele-congregation and screams: "I have sinned against you!" This is because the big phony had been caught paying some loathsome Baton Rouge gutter-skank to do a little dance and finger her cooze while he watched and pulled his anatomy. Swaggart's mea culpa was halfhearted at best, however, as he was soon caught with yet another prostitute. To this day, Swaggart continues to preach in hell.

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On this day in 1991, the USSR announces that Iraq has agreed to a proposal to end the Gulf War. The USG calls the plan unacceptable, because they hadn't killed enough Iraqis yet.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 20

 

On this day in 1472, the islands of Orkney and Shetland are pawned by Norway to Scotland in lieu of a dowry for Margaret of Denmark.

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Turnabout is fair play on this day in 1725, when ten Indians are scalped in their sleep by white settlers in New Hampshire, for the £100 bounty each scalp would bring.

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On this day in 1792, the Postal Service Act, establishing the United States Post Office Department, is signed by President George Washington. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1809, the Supreme Court of the USA rules that the federal government is more powerful than any individual state… especially Rhode Island.

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On this day in 1909, publication of the Futurist Manifesto in the French journal Le Figaro.

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On this day in 1929, the Boston Red Sox announce that they will begin playing baseball games on Sunday, prompting God to fortify the Curse of the Bambino. 

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On this day in 1933, Congress repeals the nation's useless and miserably unsuccessful policy of Prohibition against alcohol. Let's hope we don't have to wait until 2033 before they repeal the nation's useless and miserably unsuccessful War On Drugs.

Also on this day in 1933, Adolf Hitler secretly meets with German industrialists to arrange for financing of the Nazi Party's upcoming election campaign.

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On this day in 1943, American movie studio executives agree to allow the Office of War Information to censor movies.

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On this day in 1959, the Avro Arrow program to design and manufacture supersonic jet fighters in Canada is cancelled by the Diefenbaker government amid much political debate and pressure from the Americans for some reason. This effectively ends Canada's attempts at becoming a powerhouse in aviation technology.

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On this day in 1962, astronaut John Glenn becomes the first American to orbit planet Earth, nearly a year after the Soviets launched kosmonaut Yuri Gagarin into orbit. All together now: "We're Number Two! We're Number Two!"

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Also on this day, in 1971, the National Emergency Center mistakenly orders all US radio and TV stations to switch from programming to Emergency Alert, freaking out a whole lotta people for an entire half-hour before the error is caught, and broadcasts are allowed to continue.

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On this day in 1986, the Soviet Union launches its Mir spacecraft. Remaining in orbit for 15 years, it is occupied for 10 of those years.

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On this day in 1987, in Salt Lake City, a bomb explodes in a computer store.

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On this day in 2003, a Pakistani Air Force plane crashed in a remote, mountainous region, killing Air Force chief Mushaf Ali Mir and 16 others. Aside from being one of our most important "allies" in the so-called "War on Terror," the nation of Pakistan is also where the Taliban originated, and still thrives. Further complicating things, General Musharaff has been tasked with simultaneously helping the hated Western "infidels" and holding back an Iran-style popular fundamentalist Islamic revolution, at home. Pakistan also has nuclear weapons, which sucks out loud when you consider that Musharaff is pretty much all that stands between "the button" and millions of Osama-loving fundamentalist lunatics who would love nothing better than to vaporize India, then Israel, then as much of the USA as they possibly can. You think car-bombs are bad? Wait'll you get a load of car-nukes!

Also on this day in 2003, in West Warwick, Rhode Island, concertgoers expecting to re-live their hard-rockin' high school days by taking in a Great White concert were instead sent screaming into the night by an out-of-control pyrotechnics display. The all-wood building where the concert was being held went up like a straw hat soaked in gasoline. Many were trampled in the rush to escape. Others asphyxiated on the thick toxic smoke. Still others were roasted alive where they stood. 99 people died, including Great White's guitarist. 

And also on this day in 2003 (again?!), a plane goes down in Iran, killing 304 "elite" Iranian Revolutionary Guards.

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On this day in 2009, two Tamil Tigers aircraft packed with C4 explosives en route to the national air force headquarters are shot down by the Sri Lankan military before reaching their target, in a kamikaze style attack. Wow. How come this is the first I'm hearing about this craziness?!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 19

 

On this day in 1807, former Vice President of the United States Aaron Burr is arrested for treason in Wakefield, Alabama and confined to Fort Stoddert.

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On this day in 1878, inventor Thomas Alva Edison patents the gramophone, thus giving Limp Bizkit and Celine Dion an opportunity to immeasurably enrich all our lives.

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On this day in 1859, Daniel E. Sickles, a New York Congressman, is acquitted of murder on grounds of temporary insanity. This is the first time this defense is successfully used in the United States.

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On this day in the year 1945, after getting stranded in a swamp during a fierce battle, nearly a thousand Japanese soldiers are killed and eaten by crocodiles! How fucked up is that?!

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On this day in 1949, poet and literary titan Ezra Pound is awarded the first Bollingen Prize in poetry by the Bollingen Foundation and Yale University.

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On this day in 1953, Georgia approves the first literature censorship board in the United States.

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On this day in 1959, the African nation of Gabon adopts a constitution. Over time - despite being surrounded by nations jam-packed with armed-to-the-teeth, cannibalistic nutters - Gabon has become relatively calm and prosperous. One reason for this is that nobody seems to mind that the same guy's been running the place for nearly four decades, the humorously-moniker'd monarch: President Bongo!

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On this day in 1960, cartoonist Bil "one L" Keane's Family Circus debuts. 25 years later, on this day in 1985, Coca-Cola introduces Cherry Coke. Taken in sufficient quantities, either of these two sugary confections is capable of killing a diabetic.

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On this day in 1963, the publication of Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique reawakens the Feminist Movement in the United States as women's organizations and consciousness raising groups spread.

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On this day in 1985, William J. Schroeder becomes the first recipient of an artificial heart to leave hospital.

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On this day in 1986, the United States Senate ratifies the United Nations's anti-genocide convention, 37 years after the rest of the civilized world. They had that pesky south-east Asian thing to get out of the way before they could commit.

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On this day in 1987, actor Yul Brenner appears in an anti-smoking ad, even though he died soon after filming it. "I'm dead now," the creepy PSA decreed. "Don't smoke." In response to this proclamation by Pharaoh, Charlton Heston put out a public service announcement of his own, in which he declared: "You can have my cigarettes when you pluck them from my cold dead lips!"

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 18

 On this day in the year 1856, members of the secretive, nativist, anti-immigrant, anti-Catholic Known-Nothing Party hold their first ever convention in Philadelphia. Little did they know that the Lord would fail to provide them with their perfect presidential candidate until one-hundred-and-fifty-six years after their short-lived party's demise.

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On this day in 1861, in Montgomery, Alabama, Jefferson Davis is inaugurated as the provisional President of the Confederate States of America.

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On this day in 1927, the United States officially opens diplomatic relations with the post-revolutionary British Loyalist refugee nation of Canada. "No hard feelings, eh?"

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On this day in 1930, while studying photographs taken in January, Clyde Tombaugh discovers Pluto.

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On this day in 1930, Elm Farm Ollie becomes the first cow to fly in a fixed-wing aircraft and also the first cow to be milked in an aircraft.

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On this day in 1943, Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels delivers his Sportpalast - or Total War - speech.

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On this day in 1954, the first Church of Scientology is established in Los Angeles, California.

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On this day in 1968, David Gilmour joins Pink Floyd. If you're wondering why this news merits a mention in the Daily Dirt, go listen to Meddle, Wish you were Here, or Animals. If you're still left wondering after that, then there's nothing yer old pal Jerky can do for you.

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On this day in 1970, an ever-humble President Richard Nixon launches a campaign to promote his "Nixon Doctrine." Meanwhile, in Chicago, the so-called Chicago Seven are found not guilty of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic National Convention.

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On this day in 1972, the California Supreme Court in the case of People v. Anderson, (6 Cal.3d 628) invalidates the state's death penalty and commutes the sentences of all death row inmates to life imprisonment... including Charles Manson and others.

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On this day in 1978, the first ever Iron Man Triathlon - consisting of a 2.4-mile swim, a 112-mile bike race and a complete marathon - is held in beautiful Kona, Hawaii.

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On this day in 1983, 13 people die and one is seriously injured in the Wah Mee massacre in Seattle, Washington. It is said to be the largest robbery-motivated mass-murder in U.S. history.

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On this day in 1995, surgically-enhanced Baywatch starlet Pamela Anderson marries millionaire Motley Crue stickman Tommy Lee. They squirt out a brat, accidentally star in the most popular porno movie of all time, have drug and violence problems, and eventually get a divorce. Then a neighbor's kid drowns at the bottom of a pool during their son's birthday party. It's like Dynasty, only with dumb white trash instead of the Upper Crust.

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On this day in 2001, FBI agent Robert Hanssen is arrested for spying for the Soviet Union. He is ultimately convicted and sentenced to life imprisonment.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 17

 

On this day in 1600, the philosopher Giordano Bruno is burned alive, for heresy, at Campo de' Fiori in Rome.

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On this day in 1621, Myles Standish is appointed as first commander of Plymouth colony.

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On this day in 1864, the Confederate submarine HL Hunley sends the Union ship Housatonic to a watery grave. It's the first time in history that a ship is sunk by submarine, and it remained the Confederacy's proudest moment until the presidential "elections" of 2024.

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On this day in 1913, the New York Armory Show introduces Americans to some of the finest masterpieces of the Modern Art movement. The show was going well until the moment a monocle-sporting, cigar-chomping, top-hat-wearing plutocrat inquired about purchasing Picasso's Guitare to use as gift-wrapping paper.

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On this day in 1933, the Blaine Act ends Prohibition in the United States.

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On this day in 1958, cartoonist Johnny Hart's prehistoric-themed comic strip B.C. premieres. A stickler for historical accuracy, Hart insisted on using only authentic, Stone Age jokes.

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On this day in 1964, the United States Supreme Court rules that 1 man = 1 vote. Conservatives were outraged, and have yet to "get over it."

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On this day in 1972, sales of the Volkswagen Beetle exceed those of the Ford Model-T.

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On this day in 1989, Whitesnake front-man David Coverdale marries "actress" Tawny Kitaen. Unfortunately, tragedy strikes when three members of the wedding party succumb to the toxic fog of industrial strength hairspray that had accumulated in the poorly-ventilated cathedral.

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On this day in 1996, in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, world champion Garry Kasparov beats the Deep Blue supercomputer in a chess match.

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On this day in 1998, Aryan Nations "lieutenant" Larry Wayne Harris and his buddy, Bill Levitt, are arrested in Las Vegas after bragging about having enough anthrax to "kill every human being in the city." They actually had anthrax vaccine, but that's beside the point. Three years previous to this arrest, Harris - a self-proclaimed former CIA agent and author of a book that has been described as a "How To" manual for bioterrorists - was arrested for using fraudulent means to acquire bubonic plague. He kept the vials of deadly germs - which had been delivered to him via Federal Express - in the glove compartment of his car. Whotta guy!

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On this day in 2000, the sharp-eyed ultra-right-wing lunatic-fringe-dwellers at FreeRepublic.com were quick to spot SATAN HIMSELF at a Democratic Candidates Debate held at the historical Apollo Theater in Harlem. The collection of genuine hate-mongers who hang out there actually had "serious" discussions about what, exactly, this "demonic" image meant. Was it put there by the Democrats themselves, as some sort of subliminal threat to the voting public?! Or was Gawd Almighty, Himself, trying to warn the nation about the Democrats' evil, baby-killin' ways?! You, dear reader, be the judge!

For those of you who can't see the image, it's the pale white geometric shape made by four uneven stars being projected against the backdrop, right between Gore and Bradley.