FAILURE TO LAUNCH

Okay, so, what the Hell is going on, here?

Two American-built, NASA-launched satellites, both designed by the same private company with the goal of surveying key factors in our global environment - 2009's "Orbiting Carbon Observatory" and 2011's "Glory", which was to study the impact of aerosols on the climate - have both ended up at the bottom of the Pacific instead of up in the sky where they belong. What are the frickin' odds?! And, more importantly, what are the implications?

Yer old pal Jerky couldn't help but be suspicious. So he he strapped on his brain-boosting electro-helmet, swallowed a fistful of Adderalls, and set about applying a heaping helping of rigorous intuition to this topic. I am now prepared to say that it seems to me as though there are two possible scenarios playing out, here.

1. The global environmental situation is so dire, the planet's outlook so grim, that The Powers That Be - or some rogue faction thereof - are purposely sabotaging the tools that could be used by the scientific community to discover the true magnitude of the problem. This, because if any of these eggheads' findings were to work their way down to us Useless Eaters, it might spark a planet-wide panic-fueled mega-riot.

2. There really is no scientific basis for the belief that the Earth is facing an unprecedented complex of man-made ecological and climate crises. And perhaps The Powers That Be - or some rogue faction thereof - are attempting to prevent the scientific community from being able to prove this, because without an imaginary "crisis" to deal with, they would have no plausible excuse to implement the genocidal de-population programs they've been itching to kick-start since Malthus first put pen to paper.

Of course there are other possible explanations - everything from hostile alien intervention to mere coincidence to spontaneously-sentient Artificial Intelligences taking over both satellites and plunging them into the ocean in a case of double-cyber-suicide - but we do ourselves no favors by ignoring the obvious, here: Barack Obama was NOT born in this country, God-damnit!!!

That last part was a joke, by the way.