PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 31

On this day in 1695, a window tax is imposed in England, causing many householders to brick up windows to avoid the tax.

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On this day in 1907, the first New Year's Eve celebration is held in Times Square (then known as Longacre Square) in New York, New York.

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On this day in 1955, General Motors becomes the first U.S. corporation to make over US$1 billion in a year.

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On this day in 1991, all official Soviet Union institutions have ceased operations by this date and the Soviet Union is officially dissolved.

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On this day in 1993, Brandon Teena and two others are shot to death inside a farmhouse in Humboldt, Nebraska by John Lotter and Tom Nissen after the two men discovered Teena was transgender. The events were dramatized in the award-winning film Boys Don't Cry.

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On this day in 1997, while simultaneously skiing down a mountain and playing touch football with his cousins, bucktoothed babysitter-fucker Michael Kennedy is momentarily distracted by the sound of Charles Darwin's ghost having a hearty gut-laugh at his shenanigans. This, of course, disorients Kennedy, who ends up smashing head-first into a tree, offing himself.

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On this day in 1999, the first President of Russia, Boris Yeltsin, resigns from office, leaving Prime Minister Vladimir Putin as the acting President and successor. Meanwhile, over in the United States, control of the Panama Canal is handed over to Panama. And finally on this day - once again, in 1999 - Cisco's Thong Song comes out, being both the last song of 1999, the last song of The 1990's, the first song of 2000, and the first song of the 3rd Millennium. Aren't you proud?

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On this day in 2009, both a blue moon and a lunar eclipse occur. Woo-EE-oo...

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 30

On this day in 1066, a Muslim mob storms the royal palace in Granada, crucifies Jewish vizier Joseph ibn Naghrela and massacres most of the Jewish population of the city.

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On this day in 1816, the Treaty of St. Louis between the United States and the united Ottawa, Ojibwa, and Potawatomi Indian tribes is proclaimed. Then, nine years later, on this day in 1825, the Treaty of St. Louis between the United States and the Shawnee Nation is proclaimed. None of these treaties are adhered to... by the White Man, at least.

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On this day in 1965, Ferdinand Marcos becomes President of the Philippines. And they all lived happily ever after.

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On this day in 1977, for the second time, Ted Bundy escapes from his cell in Glenwood Springs, Colorado.

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On this day in 1993, Israel and Vatican City establish diplomatic relations.

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On this day in 1994, wacko Catholic anti-choice activist John Salvi III goes on a shooting spree at two abortion clinics in Brookline, Massachusetts, killing two receptionists and wounding five other employees in the process. The next day, he emptied a few clips into a clinic in Norfolk, Virginia, and was promptly arrested. Two years later, after a jury found him guilty of murder, the staunch pro-lifer decided an eternity spent burning in Hell was preferable to a lifetime of nightly anal rape, so he abandoned his principles and killed himself.

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On this day in 2006, former President of Iraq Saddam Hussein is executed in one of the ugliest, cowardly, most shameful chapters in a metaphorical book that was clogged to the choking with ugly, cowardly, shameful chapters. Only the disgusting excesses of post-9/11 military-industrial-intelligence-media complex America could imbue a man like Saddam Hussein with gravitas and statesmanship.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 29

On this day in 1170, Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, is assassinated inside Canterbury Cathedral by followers of King Henry II; he subsequently becomes a saint and martyr in the Anglican Church and the Catholic Church.

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On this day in 1845, in accordance with International Boundary delimitation, United States annexes the Republic of Texas, following the manifest destiny doctrine. The Republic of Texas, which had been independent since the Texas Revolution of 1836, is thereupon admitted as the 28th U.S. state.

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On this day in 1851, the first American YMCA opens in Boston, Massachusetts. I hear it's fun to stay there.

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On this day in 1890, the U.S. Cavalry massacres 146 Sioux, including 44 women and 18 children, at Wounded Knee in South Dakota. It was the last, pathetic gasp in the long war against the Plains Indians, and it effectively put an end to the mystical Ghost Dance movement that had been sweeping through North America's decimated and defeated native population.

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On this day in 1914, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, the first novel by James Joyce, is serialized in The Egoist.

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On this day in 1937, the Irish Free State is replaced by a new state called Ireland with the adoption of a new constitution.

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On this day in 1949, KC2XAK of Bridgeport, Connecticut becomes the first Ultra high frequency (UHF) television station to operate a daily schedule.

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On this day in 1959, physicist Richard Feynman gives a speech entitled "There's Plenty of Room at the Bottom", which is regarded as the birth of nanotechnology.

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On this day in 1975, a bomb explodes at LaGuardia Airport in New York, New York, killing 11 people and injuring 74. Imagine the paroxysms of wall-to-wall, 24 hour coverage and overreaction if such a thing were to happen tomorrow.

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On this day in 1997, Hong Kong begins to kill all the nation's 1.25 million chickens to stop the spread of a potentially deadly influenza strain. It's like Poultrygeddon or something.

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On this day in 1998, leaders of the Khmer Rouge apologize for the 1970s genocide in Cambodia that claimed over 1 million lives. Oh, that's okay guys. No biggie. Just so long as you apologize.

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On this day in 2003, the last known speaker of Akkala Sami dies, rendering the language extinct... or did it? Apparently, there is hope!

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On this day in 2006, the UK finally settles its post-WWII debt to the USA.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 28

On this day in 1065, Westminster Abbey is consecrated.

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On this day in 1612, Galileo Galilei becomes the first astronomer to observe the planet Neptune, although he mistakenly catalogued it as a fixed star.

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On this day in 1895, the Lumière brothers perform for their first paying audience at the Grand Cafe in Boulevard des Capucines, marking the debut of the cinema.

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On this day in 1895, Wilhelm Röntgen publishes a paper detailing his discovery of a new type of radiation, which later will be known as x-rays.

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On this day in 1943, after eight days of brutal house-to-house fighting, the Battle of Ortona concludes with the victory of the 1st Canadian Infantry Division over the German 1st Parachute Division and the capture of the Italian town of Ortona.

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On this day in 1944, Maurice "Rocket" Richard becomes the first player to score 8 points in one game of NHL ice hockey.

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On this day in 1973, the Endangered Species Act is passed in the United States.

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On this day in 1984, in the Mojave desert, a creosote bush is discovered which scientists determine to be 11,700 years old, making it the third oldest living thing on the face of the Earth after a giant Japanese mushroom and American Bandstand host Dick Clark.

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On this day in 2010, popular protests begin in Algeria against the government in what would soon come to be called the Arab Spring.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 27

On this day in 537, the Hagia Sophia is completed. And... wow. See above.

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On this day in 1831, Sir Charles Darwin begins his voyage on board the HMS Beagle. The books, research and theories generated during this historic voyage cause so much blithering, frothing panic amongst the world's truth-o-phobic Christians that yer old pal Jerky just can’t help but gloat over it!

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On this day in 1845, ether anesthetic is used for childbirth for the first time by Dr. Crawford Long in Jefferson, Georgia.

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On this day in 1845, journalist John L. O'Sullivan, writing in his newspaper the New York Morning News, argues that the United States had the right to claim the entire Oregon Country "by the right of our manifest destiny".

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On this day in 1945, the World Bank and International Monetary Fund are created with the signing of an agreement by 29 nations.

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On this day in 1966, the Cave of Swallows, the largest known cave shaft in the world, is discovered in Aquismón, San Luis Potosí, Mexico. See below. Hard to believe we never noticed that before, eh?

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On this day in 1968, Apollo 8 splashes down in the Pacific Ocean, ending the first orbital manned mission to the Moon.

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On this day in 1983, Pope John Paul II visits Memhet Ali Agca in Rebibbia's prison and personally forgives him for the 1981 attack on him in St. Peter's Square.

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On this day in 2001, China is granted permanent normal trade relations with the United States. And why not? I mean... Tibet, Tienanmen Square, the Cultural Revolution and a bunch of other stuff notwithstanding.

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On this day in 2004, radiation from an explosion on the magnetar SGR 1806-20 reaches Earth. It is the brightest extrasolar event known to have been witnessed on the planet.

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On this day in 2007, former Pakistani prime minister Benazir Bhutto is assassinated.

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On this day in 2008, Israel launches a 3-week military operation on the starved, blockaded, open-air prison camp that is Gaza. And they give this op such a friendly name, too: “Cast Lead.” Nice ring, yes?

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 26

On this day in 1799, 4000 people attend George Washington's funeral where Henry Lee III declares him as "first in war, first in peace and first in the hearts of his countrymen."

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On this day in 1846, trapped in snow in the Sierra Nevadas and without food, members of the Donner Party resort to cannibalism.

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On this day in 1862, the largest mass-hanging in U.S. history took place in Mankato, Minnesota, 38 Native Americans die.

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On this day in 1898, Marie and Pierre Curie announce the isolation of radium. They would soon both die of radiation poisoning.

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On this day in 1900, a relief crew arrives at the lighthouse on the Flannan Isles of Scotland, UK, only to find the previous crew has disappeared without a trace. Oo-We-oooo!

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On this day in 1982, Time's Man of the Year is for the first time a non-human: the Personal Computer.

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On this day in 1991, the Supreme Soviet of the Soviet Union meets and formally dissolves the Soviet Union.

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On this day in 1996, one of the most infuriating cases in the history of American jurisprudence gets rolling when 6-year-old beauty queen JonBenét Ramsey is found beaten and strangled to death in the basement of her family's home in Boulder, Colorado. To list all the reasons why it's obvious that the Ramseys either killed their daughter themselves, or else damn well know who did, would take more time and patience than I am currently willing to bestow upon the subject. Suffice it to say that the multi-millionaire couple were just too white and too rich to go to jail over something as trifling as a the brutal rape/murder of their own fucking daughter.

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On this day in 2003, a magnitude 6.6 earthquake devastates southeast Iranian city of Bam, killing tens of thousands and destroying the citadel of Arg-é Bam. One year later, on this day in 2004, a 9.3 magnitude earthquake creates a tsunami causing devastation in Sri Lanka, India, Indonesia, Thailand, Malaysia, the Maldives and many other areas around the rim of the Indian Ocean, killing close to a quarter of a million human beings, for fuck's sake. Un-fucking-believable.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 25

On this day in 800, Charlemagne is crowned as Holy Roman Emperor, in Rome.

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On this day in 1868, US President Andrew Johnson grants unconditional pardon to all Civil War Confederate soldiers. Big mistake, that.

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On this day in 1950, the Stone of Scone, traditional coronation stone of British monarchs, is taken from Westminster Abbey by Scottish nationalist students. It later turns up in Scotland on April 11, 1951.

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On this day in 1974, Marshall Fields drives a vehicle through the gates of the White House, resulting in a four-hour standoff.

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On this day in 1991, Mikhail Gorbachev resigns as General Secretary of the Soviet Union (the union itself is dissolved the next day). Ukraine's referendum is finalized and Ukraine officially leaves the Soviet Union.

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On this day in 2000, Russian President Vladimir Putin signs a bill into law that officially establishes a new National Anthem of Russia, with music adopted from the anthem of the Soviet Union that was composed by Alexander Vasilyevich Alexandrov.

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On this day in 2004, Cassini orbiter releases Huygens probe which successfully landed on Saturn's moon Titan on January 14, 2005, giving us an astonishing video and audio record to marvel at. If only for this, I am glad Youtube exists.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 24

On this day in 1476, more than 400 Burgundy soldiers freeze to death during Siege of Nancy, who must have been one frigid bitch, indeed.

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On this day in 1724, Benjamin Franklin arrives in London. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1818, the first performance of "Silent Night" takes place in the church of St. Nikolaus in Oberndorf, Austria.

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Happy KKK Day! It was on this day in 1865 that a bunch of disgruntled Confederate veterans got together and formed the Ku Klux Klan in Pulaski, Tennessee!

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On this day in 1906, Reginald Fessenden transmits the first radio broadcast; consisting of a poetry reading, a violin solo, and a speech.

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On this day in 1914, the "Christmas truce" begins as soldiers from Germany and England lay down their arms, even going so far as to gather and exchange gifts and sing Christmas songs together. Though there was no official truce, roughly 100,000 British and German troops were involved in unofficial cessations of fighting along the length of the Western Front in December 1914.

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On this day in 1955, NORAD Tracks Santa for the first time in what will become an annual Christmas Eve tradition.

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On this day in 1968, the crew of Apollo 8 enters into orbit around the Moon, becoming the first humans to do so. They performed 10 lunar orbits and broadcast live TV pictures that became the famous Christmas Eve Broadcast, one of the most watched programs in history.

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On this day in 1969, Charles Manson is allowed to defend himself at the Tate-LaBianca murder trial.

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On this day in 1980, witnesses report the first of several sightings of unexplained lights near RAF Woodbridge, in Rendlesham Forest, Suffolk, England, United Kingdom, an incident called "Britain's Roswell".

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On this day in 2008, the Lord's Resistance Army, a Ugandan rebel group, begins a series of attacks on Democratic Republic of the Congo, massacring more than 400.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 23

On this day in 484, Huneric dies and is succeeded by his nephew Gunthamund, who becomes king of the Vandals. During his reign the Catholics are free from persecutions.

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On this day in 679, Dagobert II - Austrasian king of the Merovingian line - is murdered during a hunting trip.

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On this day in 1823, “A Visit from St. Nicholas”, also known as “The Night Before Christmas”, is published anonymously.

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On this day in 1913, the Federal Reserve Act is signed into law by President Woodrow Wilson, creating the Federal Reserve System.

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On this day in 1938, the first modern, living coelacanth, a bony fish thought to have been extinct for 60 million years, is pulled from the ocean off the coast of Madagascar, in Africa.

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On this day in 1947, the transistor is first demonstrated at Bell Laboratories.

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On this day in 1970, the North Tower of the World Trade Center in Manhattan, New York, New York is topped out at 1,368 feet (417 m), making it the tallest building in the world.

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On this day in 1972, the 16 survivors of the Andes flight disaster are rescued after 73 days, having survived by cannibalism.

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 On this day in 2003, the Raelians - a UFO cult founded by French Canadian sportswriter/racecar driver/lunatic Claude Vorilhon - announce the successful birth by cesarean section of a baby female clone. The announcement was made by Brigitte Boisselier, a Raelian and president of Clonaid, the cloning company set up by the cult for the express purpose of pushing the cloning envelope. The Raelians believe that aliens first cloned the human species 25,000 years ago, and hold public "free love" orgies to recruit new members. Boisselier, herself, has the look of a scientific experiment gone awry. Not a clone, exactly… more like a Frankensteinian mish-mash of badly matched parts. Here's a handy schematic, so you can see what I mean...

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 22

On this day in 1807, the Embargo Act, forbidding trade with all foreign countries, is passed by the U.S. Congress, at the urging of President Thomas Jefferson. Just imagine trying to pass a law like that today.

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On this day in 1808, Ludwig van Beethoven conducts and performs in concert at the Theater an der Wien, Vienna, with the premiere of his Fifth Symphony, Sixth Symphony, Fourth Piano Concerto (performed by Beethoven himself) and Choral Fantasy (with Beethoven at the piano).

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On this day in 1864, Savannah, Georgia falls to General William Tecumseh Sherman, concluding his "March to the Sea".

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On this day in 1891, Asteroid 323 Brucia becomes the first asteroid discovered using photography.

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On this day in 1894, the Dreyfus affair begins in France, when Alfred Dreyfus is wrongly convicted of treason.

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On this day in 1964, after what had been at that time the longest and costliest obscenity trial in history, controversial comedian Lenny Bruce is sentenced to four months in jail for violating obscenity laws. Luckily, Bruce never has to serve that jail time. He dies of a heroin overdose while waiting on an appeal. Deck the fuckin' halls.

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On this day in 1984, four-time mugging victim Bernhard Goetz turns into a steely-cold vigilante and shoots 4 young hoodlums who attempt to rob him on a New York City subway train. New York's substantial criminal population is indignant, demanding that Goetz be jailed, and that the subway be declared a security free zone, where they can earn a living without fear of being shot by their victims. I mean, that's why we call them victims, right?

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On this day in 1989, the Communist President of Romania, Nicolae Ceaucescu, is overthrown by Ion Iliescu after days of bloody confrontations. The deposed dictator and his wife flee Bucharest with a helicopter as protesters erupt in cheers. His subsequent capture and execution are caught on camera for all the world to see.

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On this day in 1992, the so-called "Archives of Terror" are uncovered in Paraguay, detailing thousands of atrocities committed in Latin America.

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Aiming to expand their market share into non-cola products, Coca-Cola pays an astonishing $840 million to the Pernod group for the rights to a sparkling drink called Orangina, on this day in 1997. Unfortunately, Coke fails to recoup their investment when the American public proves unwilling to drink something that sounds like "orange vagina." What next... a drink called "Tangereenis"?

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On this day in 2001, some goof named Richard Reid attempts to destroy a passenger airliner by igniting explosives hidden in his shoes aboard American Airlines Flight 63.

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On this day in 2008, an ash dike ruptured at a solid waste containment area in Roane County, Tennessee, releasing 1.1 billion gallons of coal fly ash slurry into the surrounding environment. Remember that horrific crime against nature? No, right? Me neither. Thanks, Mainstream Media!

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On this day in 2010, the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, the 17-year-old policy banning homosexuals serving openly in the United States military, is signed into law by President Barack Obama.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 21

On this day in 1620, William Bradford and the Mayflower Pilgrims land on what is now known as Plymouth Rock in Plymouth, Massachusetts.

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On this day in 1844, the Rochdale Society of Equitable Pioneers commences business at its cooperative in Rochdale, England, United Kingdom starting the Cooperative movement.

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On this day in 1879, the world première of Henrik Ibsen's A Doll's House at the Royal Theatre in Copenhagen, Denmark.

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On this day in 1907, the Chilean Army commits a massacre of at least 2,000 striking saltpeter miners in Iquique, Chile.

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On this day in 1913, Arthur Wynne's "word-cross", the first crossword puzzle, is published in the New York World.

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On this day in 1919, American anarchist Emma Goldman is deported to Russia.

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On this day in 1937, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the world's first full-length animated feature, premieres at the Carthay Circle Theatre.

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Wowie Zowie! On this day in 1940, American iconoclast and unmitigated musical genius Frank Zappa was born. Didja get any onya?!

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On this day in 1967, Louis Washkansky, the first man to undergo a heart transplant, dies in Cape Town, South Africa, having lived for 18 days after the transplant.

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On this day in 1968, Apollo 8 is launched from the Kennedy Space Center, placing its crew on a lunar trajectory for the first visit to another celestial body by humans.

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On this day in 1969, the United Nations adopts the Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination. And we all lived happily ever after.

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On this day in 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 from London to New York explodes in midair over Lockerbie, Scotland, an hour after departure. An altitude-sensitive bomb in a boom box detonated when the plane hit 31,000 feet. All 259 passengers on board - including five CIA field agents - were killed in the explosion, and 11 Lockerbie residents were crushed in the resulting avalanche of fiery wreckage. Merry Fuckin' Christmas.

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On this day in 1989, President George Herbert Walker "Poppy" Bush uses the American military as his own personal goon squad when he orders them to invade Panama to oust a former partner-in-crime from his CIA days, General Manuel Noriega. (Dude! Deja vu!) The invasion of Panama was a costly, militarily useless endeavor, and the case against Noriega was mostly based on lies that didn't unravel until after the invasion was over and done with, so nobody cared. (Double deja vu!) It cost a shitload of money, and cost thousands of innocent civilians their lives. (Wow!) It almost seems like the Bush Crime Family gets some sort of perverse thrill out of invading sovereign nations under false pretenses in order to kidnap leaders whom they, themselves, initially helped rise to power. (Any editorial comment I could add would be redundant at this point. But do read this!)

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On this day in 1991, "Hanoi Jane" Fonda marries CNN-founding billionaire redneck Ted Turner. Chaos ensues.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 20

On this day in 1522, Suleiman the Magnificent accepts the surrender of the surviving Knights of Rhodes during the Siege of Rhodes. They're allowed to evacuate. They eventually settle on Malta and become known as the Knights of Malta.

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On this day in 1669, rabble-rouser Marcus Jacobson thought he was gonna get off light when he learned his punishment would be decided by the first ever trial-by-jury. Unfortunately for Marcus, his peers didn't much care for the cut of his jib. They sentenced him to be flogged, branded, and sold into slavery. He got PUNK'D!

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On this day in 1803, the Louisiana Purchase is completed at a ceremony in New Orleans, Louisiana.

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On this day in 1860, South Carolina becomes the first state to attempt to secede from the United States.

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On this day in 1917, the Cheka, the first Soviet secret police force, is founded.

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On this day in 1924, Adolf Hitler is released from Landsberg Prison. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1946, the popular Christmas film It's a Wonderful Life is first released in New York, New York.

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On this day in 1968, the Zodiac Killer kills Betty Lou Jenson and David Faraday in Vallejo, California.

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On this day in 1983, the South American nation of El Salvador adopts their second constitution in as many decades. Yer old pal Jerky supposes the El Salvadoreans aren't big on that whole "amendment" thing. Maybe they could write their next constitution on an Etch-a-Sketch. Whenever they're sick of the old one, just shake and start over!

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On this day in 2004, Preznit Dubya's plan to keep the Department of Homeland Security under the leadership of men with oddly shaped heads hits a snag. Former New York City police commissioner Bernard Kerik - whose cranium evokes memories of WWI-era mortar shells - seemed like a shoe-in to replace Big Tom Ridge, whose own notorious noggin is approximately the size, shape and density of a cinder block. Unfortunately, it soon became obvious that Kerik's nomination was a five hundred pound albatross. Officially, Kerik withdrew his nomination because of unpaid taxes on "an illegal babysitter" who doesn't seem to exist. More likely it was because of his failure to disclose expensive gifts from political pals, his multiple, overlapping extramarital affairs, his highly inappropriate partisan pandering during the presidential campaign, a warrant being issued for his arrest due to unpaid rent, his ties to organized crime, and his flirtation with bigamy. And so, the search was on. Before settling on the cadaverous and incompetent Michael Chertoff, these were some of the candidates being considered:

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 19

On this day in 211, Publius Septimius Geta, co-emperor of Rome, is lured to come without his bodyguards to meet his brother Marcus Aurelius Antoninus, to discuss a possible reconciliation. When he arrives the Praetorian Guard murders him and he dies in the arms of his mother Julia Domna.

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On this day in 1154, Henry II of England is crowned at Westminster Abbey.

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On this day in 1606, the Susan Constant, the Godspeed, and the Discovery depart England carrying settlers who found, at Jamestown, Virginia, the first of the thirteen colonies that became the United States.

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On this day in 1796, two British frigates under Commodore Horatio Nelson and two Spanish frigates under Commodore Don Jacobo Stuart engage in battle off the coast of Murcia during the French Revolutionary Wars.

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On this day in 1891, the first black American to become a Catholic priest is ordained in Baltimore. His name was Charles Uncles, and as far as Google is concerned, he never molested anybody. Way to go, Charlie!

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Believe it or not, it was on this day in 1918 that Robert Ripley began his illustrated column, which is still syndicated in hundreds of newspapers worldwide to this very day. Ripley used his column to disseminate and popularize some truly retarded and factually inaccurate bullshit, which is why, to avoid lawsuits, he gave it a title that could also function nicely as a disclaimer... "Believe it or not!" It's all up to you.

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On this day in 1924, the last Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost is sold in London, England, United Kingdom.

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On this day in 1946, the troubles in Vietnam (then called Indochina) begin in earnest when Ho Chi Minh attacks the seat of French colonial power in Hanoi. These troubles would not come to an end until three decades - and more than four million human beings - had passed.

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On this day in 1950, the Dalai Lama flees Tibet, just because it's being invaded by Mao Zedong's Red Army! Chicken.

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On this day in 1956, Irish-born physician John Bodkin Adams is arrested in connection with the suspicious deaths of more than 160 patients. Eventually he is convicted only of minor charges.

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On this day in the year 1971, Clockwork Orange - Stanley Kubrick's dystopian rumination on violence, bureaucracy, and free will - had its premiere in New York City. The film, based on Anthony Burgess's brutal cult novel, was originally rated X for its gruesome violence and disturbing tone. Part of the problem people had with Clockwork is that Kubrick coerces the audience into identifying with a vicious, murderous, rapist thug... a trick that began with Shakespeare, in his Richard III. In England, after hoodlums started dressing up like the Droogs and committing copycat rapes and home invasions, Kubrick unilaterally had the film pulled from circulation, and it didn't play there again until after his death in 1999. Some people think Clockwork Orange is a work of dark, satiric genius. Others think it's a cold, mechanical exercise in misanthropic excess. Yer old pal Jerky thinks it's both, and loves it all the more for its ambiguity. If you haven't seen this movie yet, do so post haste.

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On this day in 1978, the horrible stink coming from the crawl space under a house owned by John Wayne Gacy - a.k.a. Pogo the Clown - leads authorities to a serial-killer motherlode of 27 decomposing corpses, all nubile young boys. Ultimately, homo-psycho-killer Gacy was found guilty of rape-torture-murdering 33 men and boys, some as young as 9 years old. He was executed by lethal injection in 1994, and his clown paintings continue to attract top dollar in the lucrative serial killer collectibles market. Johnny Depp is a particularly big fan.

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On this day in 1984, the Sino-British Joint Declaration, stating that China would resume the exercise of sovereignty over Hong Kong and the United Kingdom would restore Hong Kong to China with effect from July 1, 1997 is signed in Beijing, China by Deng Xiaoping and Margaret Thatcher.

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On this day in 1998, President Bill Clinton is impeached by The United States House of Representatives, becoming the second President of the United States to be impeached. This historic (and ridiculous) impeachment is overturned by the more sober-minded Senate.

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On this day in 2001, desperate food riots erupt in Buenos Aires, Argentina, formerly one of the shining exemplars of South American economic prosperity, then undergoing a Great Depression of its own. The widespread destruction is blamed on neoliberal (meaning "conservative" or "laissez faire") policies enforced by the World Bank and IMF.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 18

On this day in 218 BC, Hannibal's Carthaginian forces defeat those of the Roman Republic during the Battle of the Trebia of the Second Punic War.

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On this day in 1271, Kublai Khan renames his empire "Yuan", officially marking the start of the Yuan Dynasty of Mongolia and China.

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On this day in 1642, Abel Tasman becomes first European to sight New Zealand.

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On this day in 1777, the United States celebrates its first Thanksgiving, marking the recent victory by the Americans over British General John Burgoyne in the Battle of Saratoga in October.

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In what a surprisingly large number of secessionist conservatives still consider to be a crushing blow to the sanctity of state's rights, the thirteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution is ratified on this day in the year 1865, finally putting an end to the practice of slavery in the New World. Well... one kind of slavery, anyway.

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On this day in 1878, John Kehoe, the last of the Molly Maguires is executed in Pennsylvania.

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On this day in 1878, the Al-Thani family become the rulers of the state of Qatar

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On this day in 1912, the Piltdown Man, later discovered to be a hoax, is announced by Charles Dawson.

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On this day in 1987, Larry Wall releases the first version of the Perl programming language.

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On this day in 1997, coke-snorting, morbidly obese funnyman Chris Farley is found dead on the floor of his Chicago high-rise apartment, half-undressed and foaming at the mouth. Just like his idol, John Belushi, Farley was only 33 years old when he died.

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On this day in 2001, after mounting pressure from JINSA, the ADL, CAMERA and other groups, FOX News removes a controversial story about the so-called "Israeli art student spy ring" with connections to the events of September 11, 2001, from its website, after only two days. CAMERA suggests the reporter “has something, personally, about Israel. Maybe he’s very sympathetic to the Arab side.” The head of the ADL calls the report “sinister dangerous innuendo which fuels anti-Semitism.” Yet there does not appear to be any substance to these personal attacks.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 17

On this day in 497 BC, the first Saturnalia festival was celebrated in ancient Rome

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On this day in 942, William I of Normandy is assassinated.

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On this day in 1538, Pope Paul III excommunicates Henry VIII of England, thus setting in motion the sequence of events that would eventually lead to the creation of the Anglican Church.

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On this day in 1577, adventurer Francis Drake sets sail from Plymouth, England, on a secret mission to explore the Pacific coast of the Americas for Queen Elizabeth I of England.

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On this day in 1777, France formally recognizes the United States.

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On this day in 1790, the Aztec calendar stone is discovered.

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On this day in 1843, A Christmas Carol, a novel by English author Charles Dickens, is first published by Chapman & Hall.

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On this day in 1892, the first issue of Vogue Magazine is published

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Also on this day, in 1903, at 10:35 AM, aviation pioneer Orville Wright pilots a ramshackle contraption across a field, puttering along at about 5 to 10 feet off the ground. Meanwhile, Orville's brother Wilbur - a complete and utter chickenshit - stays on the ground and holds Orville's jacket.

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On this day in 1938, Otto Hahn discovers the nuclear fission of the heavy element uranium, the scientific and technological basis of nuclear energy.

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On this day in 1944, Japanese-Americans are released from prison camps throughout the western states, where the army had detained them as a safety precaution while the United States was at war with Japan. After suffering what many considered to be humiliating and unjustly harsh treatment at the hands of the leaders of their adopted nation, many Japanese-Americans agonized over a single question: "Why? Why oh why didn't Gamera save us?!" Friend to all children, my ass!

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On this day in 1957, the United States successfully launches the first intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM) - the Atlas - from Cape Canaveral, Florida.

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On this day in 1967, Australia's Prime Minister Harold Holt disappears while swimming near Portsea, Victoria. His body is never found.

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On this day in 1977, post-punk rocker Elvis Costello fills in for no-show "punk" novelty act The Sex Pistols when the latter fail to show up for their slated gig on Saturday Night Live because they're too busy "accidentally" murdering junkie whores or being amusingly vile to pathetic, fawning, "rock journalists" or something. Anyway, Costello rocks the house down and the Sex Pistols comet burns out soon thereafter.

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On this day in 1989, the first episode of television series The Simpsons, "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire", airs in the United States.

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On this day in 2010, Mohamed Bouazizi sets himself on fire, thus kicking off the Tunisian revolution and the wider Arab Spring.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 16

On this day in 1653, Oliver Cromwell becomes Lord Protector of the Commonwealth of England, Scotland and Ireland.

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On this day in 1707, the last recorded eruption of Mount Fuji takes place in Japan.

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On this day in 1773, in order to protest a drop in tea taxes that would give a tea monopoly to the East India Company, Samuel Adams and 60 Sons of Liberty dress up in Mohawk drag, sneak onto three British tea ships and dump £18,000 worth of tea into Boston harbor. This Boston Tea Party leads the Brits to implement punitive legislation designed to humiliate Massachusetts by closing Boston to merchant shipping, establishing formal British military rule, making British officials immune to criminal prosecution, and requiring colonists to quarter British troops. This leads to more monkey business by the Sons of Liberty, and before you know it, yadda yadda yadda, America gains her independence.

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On this day in 1826, Benjamin W. Edwards rides into Mexican controlled Nacogdoches, Texas and declares himself ruler of the Republic of Fredonia.

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On this day in 1903, Taj Mahal Palace & Tower first opens its doors to guests.

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On this day in 1915, noted scientist Albert Einstein publishes his "General Theory of Relativity," which posits that people from the same family tend to look alike.

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On this day, in 1916, tough-as-nails monk/mystic Grigori Rasputin is poisoned, bludgeoned, axed, stabbed, castrated and shot by a bunch of aristocrats who fear he is exerting an unnatural control on the Romanov Russian Royal Family. Unfortunately, when they were done, Rasputin was still breathing. So they had to tie a bag of rocks around his legs and toss him into the Neva river, where, finally, he cacked. Ten weeks later, the Romanovs were overthrown by the Bolshevik revolution, just as Rasputin had prophecied while his assailants were murdering him.

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On this day in 1922, President of Poland Gabriel Narutowicz is assassinated by Eligiusz Niewiadomski at the Zachęta Gallery in Warsaw.

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On this day in 1930, bank robber Herman Lamm and members of his crew are killed by a 200-strong posse, following a botched bank robbery in Clinton, Indiana.

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On this day in 1942, Heinrich Himmler orders that Roma candidates for extermination be deported to Auschwitz.

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On this day in 1944, a Nazi V-2 rocket causes 634 deaths when it hits an Antwerp bioscope. Wow! That was one crowded bioscope!

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On this day in 1944, the Battle of the Bulge begins with the surprise offensive of three German armies through the Ardennes forest.

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On this day in 1950, US President Harry Truman proclaims a state of emergency, saying that "communist imperialism" constitutes "a grave threat to the peace of the world" that "imperils the efforts of this country and those of the United Nations to prevent aggression and armed conflict." Furthermore, this particular kind of imperialism is bad, according to Truman, because it doesn't allow victim states "the right to choose those who conduct their Government," nor "the right to engage freely in collective bargaining." Indeed.

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On this day in 1968, the Second Vatican Council officially revokes the Edict of Expulsion of Jews from Spain.

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On this day in 1985, in New York City, New York, Paul Castellano and Thomas Bilotti are shot dead on the orders of John Gotti, who assumes leadership of the Gambino family.

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On this day in 2009, Avatar is released internationally. It would later be the first film to gross $2 billion and the highest grossing movie of all time.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 15

Happy ZAMENHOF DAY to all five Daily Dirt readers who speak Esperanto! To learn more about the rich tradition of Zamenhof Day and all it entails, click here!

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On this day in 1810, a group of Irish entrepreneurs decide to combat the rising tide of anti-Irish stereotyping by launching America's first Irish culture magazine. Unfortunately, they shoot themselves in the foot when they decided to call it... The Shamrock. That's like Italians putting out an magazine devoted to the Italian American experience and calling it The Meatball!

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On this day in 1890, Hunkpapa Lakota leader Sitting Bull killed on Standing Rock Indian Reservation, leading to the Wounded Knee Massacre.

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On this day in 1945, General Douglas MacArthur orders that Shinto be abolished as the state religion of Japan.

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On this day in 1960, Richard Paul Pavlick is arrested for attempting to blow up and assassinate the U.S. President-Elect, John F. Kennedy only four days earlier.

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On this day in 1961, in Jerusalem, Israel Adolf Eichmann is sentenced to death after being found guilty of 15 criminal charges, including charges of crimes against humanity, crimes against the Jewish people and membership of an outlawed organization.

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After a number of people had prophetic dreams about a river disaster - and after the plethora of Mothman incidents - it was on this day in 1967 that the Silver Bridge collapsed in Point Pleasant West Virginia, killing 46 people.

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On this day in 1970, the Soviet spacecraft Venera 7 successfully land on Venus. It is the first successful soft landing on another planet

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On this day in 1973, John Paul Getty III, grandson of American billionaire J. Paul Getty, is found alive near Naples, Italy, after being kidnapped by an Italian gang on July 10, 1973.

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On this day in 1973, the American Psychiatric Association votes 13–0 to remove homosexuality from its official list of psychiatric disorders, the DSM-II.

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On this day in 1985, diminutive thespian Sylvester Stallone weds statuesque Eurotrash plastic-surgery-test-dummy Brigitte Nielson, despite being able to walk between her legs without bending over.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 14

On this day in 1287, the St. Lucia flood takes place when the Zuiderzee sea wall in the Netherlands collapses, killing between 50,000 to 80,000 people.

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On this day, in the year 1503, noted physician and visionary Nostradamus is born.

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On this day in 1900, Kraut physicist Max Planck publishes his groundbreaking quantum theory of subatomic relations, forever changing the face of modern physics. Essentially, Planck demonstrated that radiant energy, depending on the circumstances, can exhibit characteristics previously thought to be the exclusive domain of physical matter. In other words, it can behave as both wave and particle. Subsequent experiments and theorems posited by other scientists like Albert Einstein, Niels Bohr and Erwin Schrodinger made possible the development of quantum mechanics, which allows multiple collision centers from all over town to work on the same car at the same time. Spooky, ain't it?

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On this day in 1911, Roald Amundsen's team, comprising himself, Olav Bjaaland, Helmer Hanssen, Sverre Hassel, and Oscar Wisting, becomes the first to reach the South Pole.

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On this day in 1962, NASA's Mariner 2 becomes the first spacecraft to fly by Venus.

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On this day in 1981, Israel's Knesset passes The Golan Heights Law, extending Israeli law to the area of the Golan Heights.

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On this day in 1990, a gravely ill and suffering Nancy Cruzan wins the right to have her feeding tube removed. Because doctors aren't allowed to assist in her suicide, it takes Nancy 12 days to die of dehydration and starvation.

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On this day in 1994, construction begins on the Three Gorges Dam on the Yangtze River.

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On this day in 1999, torrential rains cause flash floods in Vargas, Venezuela, resulting in tens of thousands of deaths, the destruction of thousands of homes, and the complete collapse of the state's infrastructure. Hell of a day for floods, eh?

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On this day in 2004, the Millau Viaduct, the tallest bridge in the world, near Millau, France is officially opened.

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On this day in 2008, Muntadhar al-Zaidi threw his shoes at then U.S. President George W. Bush during a press conference in Baghdad, Iraq.

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On this day in 2012, 28 people, including the gunman, are killed in a mass shooting in Sandy Hook village, Newtown, Connecticut. launching a bunch of the dumbest conspiracy theories anybody ever heard of, unmatched in their stupidity until the Boston Marathon bombing, soon thereafter.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 13

Happy REPUBLIC DAY to all seven Daily Dirt readers living on the tiny tourist-trap European island of Malta! Now that you've wandered in from the city of Saint John without a dime, can you see the glory (see the, glory of) of the Royal Scam?

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On this day in 1937, the Battle of Nanking takes place. The city of Nanjing, defended by the National Revolutionary Army under the command of General Tang Shengzhi, falls to the Japanese, whose troops begin carrying out several weeks worth of raping and murdering hundreds of thousands civilians and suspected Chinese resistance.

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On this day in 1949, the Knesset votes to move the capital of Israel to Jerusalem. It doesn't work out so well. For anyone.

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On this day in 1972, Eugene Cernan and Harrison Schmitt begin the third and final Extra-vehicular activity (EVA) or "Moonwalk" of Apollo 17. To date they are the last humans to set foot on the Moon.

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On this day in 2002, the last Guns N' Roses tour was officially called off after Axl Rose skipped a show in Philly in order to watch a basketball game on TV. This sparked another one of those fan riots GnR were so famous for, patting down the final spadeful of dirt on the grave of this misbegotten and thankfully aborted 80s Revival they were trying to foist on us there, for a while.

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On this day in 2003, former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is captured after being pulled from a spider hole near his hometown of Tikrit. Or was he?

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 12

On this day in 1098, Crusaders breach the town of Ma'arrat al-Numan's walls and massacre about 20,000 inhabitants. After finding themselves with insufficient food, they resort to cannibalism.

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On this day in 1408, the Order of the Dragon a monarchical chivalric order is created by Sigismund of Luxembourg, then King of Hungary.

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On this day in 1900, Lift Every Voice and Sing - the Black National Anthem - is composed. It's a beautiful song.

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On this day in 1917, Michael Jackson's most favorite place in the whole wide world - Boys Town! - is founded by Father Flanagan, just outside Omaha, Nebraska. Also on this day in 1917, the worst train disaster ever occurs in Modane, France, when a train goes off the rails just before entering the Mount Cenis tunnel. An incredible five hundred and forty-three soldiers perish in the crash and ensuing blaze.

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On this day in 1941, Adolf Hitler announces extermination of the Jews at a meeting in the Reich Chancellery

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On this day in 1957, Rock and Roll legend Jerry Lee Lewis manages to break two taboos (at least!) in one fell swoop when he marries his 13 year old cousin Myra Gale Brown while still married to his first wife, Jane Mitcham.

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On this day in 1959, the United Nations Committee on the Peaceful Use of Outer Space is established, then ignored.

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On this day in 1969, the Piazza Fontana bombing takes place when the offices of Banca Nazionale dell'Agricoltura in Piazza Fontana, Milan, are bombed as part of Gladio and the Strategy of Tension.

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On this day in 1979, South Korean Army Major General Chun Doo-hwan orders the arrest of Army Chief of Staff General Jeong Seung-hwa without authorization from President Choi Kyu-ha, alleging involvement in the assassination of ex-President Park Chung Hee.

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On this day in the year 2000, the Supreme Court of the United States of America delivers their most ridiculous, indefensible decision since Dred Scott. Click HERE for scads of information about the transparently partisan BUSH vs. GORE decision - among other things - then click HERE for Vincent Bugliosi's blistering, eloquent essay, None Dare Call it Treason, which painstakingly and exactingly dissects the decision, concluding that five Republican-appointed Justices committed "the unpardonable sin of being a knowing surrogate for the Republican Party instead of being an impartial arbiter of the law." That's why some of us now refer to Rehnquist, Scalia, Kennedy, O'Connor and Thomas as the December Criminals. Okay, so only yer old pal Jerky calls them that. It's still an apt moniker for those treasonous suckers of Satan's cock.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 11

On this day in 220, Cao Pi forces Emperor Xian of Han to abdicate the Han Dynasty throne. The Cao Wei empire is established. The Three Kingdoms period begins.

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On this day in 630, Muhammad leads an army of 10,000 to conquer Mecca.

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On this day in 1792, King Louis XVI of France is put on trial for treason by the National Convention.

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On this day in 1901, Italian inventor Guglielmo Marconi transmits the first ever transatlantic radio signal from Cornwall, England, to Saint John, Newfoundland. The transmission consisted of a single letter of the alphabet: "S." To this day, the Newfoundlanders are trying to figure out what he meant. Was it a secret code? Or maybe a thinly veiled insult? It's all so confusing.

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On this day in 1934, Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, takes his last drink and enters treatment for the last time.

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On this day in 1941, Germany and Italy make the biggest mistake in their nations' histories when they officially declare war upon the United States of America.

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On this day in 1964, Che Guevara speaks at the United Nations General Assembly in New York, New York.

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On this day in 1968, The Rolling Stones "Rock and Roll Circus" featuring Jethro Tull, The Who, Taj Mahal, Marianne Faithfull, John Lennon, Eric Clapton and Yoko Ono is filmed at the Intertel Studio, Wycombe Road, Wembley. It doesn't see the light of day for decades because the Stones were embarrassed at being upstaged by both The Who and Tull. It was eventually released as a DVD in 1996.

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On this day in 1972, Apollo 17 becomes the sixth and last Apollo mission to land on the Moon.

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On this day in 1981, the El Mozote massacre takes place when armed forces in El Salvador kill an estimated 900 civilians in an anti-guerrilla campaign during the Salvadoran Civil War.

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On this day in 1997, the Kyoto Protocol opens for signature.

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On this day in 1999, after mass panic grips the nation, President Bill Clinton signs legislation banning so-called "crush" videos, wherein women are videotaped crushing tiny animals - such as mice, worms and frogs - beneath high heels. Occasionally, they would do this while naked or masturbating, but such pornographic accouterments were of secondary interest to the crush fan, who was in it for the crush. Amusingly, in order for the law to pass Constitutional muster, the people who wrote it had to include a loophole exception for works of "serious religious, political, scientific, educational, journalistic, historical or artistic value." Which begs the question, outside of the Vatican library, where would one be able to find works of "serious, religious, political, scientific, educational, journalistic, historical and artistic value" that feature footage of scanty-clad women stomping gerbils underfoot? Ann Coulter's apartment?

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On this day in 2006, The International Conference to Review the Global Vision of the Holocaust is opened in Tehran, Iran by then-president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; nations such as Israel and the United States express concern.

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On this day in 2006, Felipe Calderón, the President of Mexico, launches a military-led offensive to put down the drug cartel violence in the state of Michoacán. This effort is often regarded as the first event in the Mexican Drug War.

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On this day in 2008, Bernard Madoff is arrested and charged with securities fraud in a $50 billion Ponzi scheme.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 10

On this day in 1988, a massive earthquake of Biblical proportions rips the Armenian city of Spitak and surrounding areas asunder, snuffing out 100,000 souls by the time it had run its course. Tiny, isolated Armenia had just over three million citizens to begin with. So to put those casualties in their proper, "per capita" perspective, you have to imagine some monstrous natural disaster - an asteroid collision, perhaps, or a massive tsunami - claiming TEN MILLION American lives. Kinda boggles the fricken' mind, don't it?

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On this day in 2004, Gary Webb - the investigative journalist who dug deep into the cephalopodan entanglements between the CIA, right-wing Central American drug lords, New World Order elites and the crack cocaine pandemic that swept through America's inner cities - dies. Victim of an apparent suicide, Webb immediately ascended to the Paranoid's Pantheon alongside such notable truth-warriors as Dorothy Kilgallen, Danny Casolaro, Steve Kangas, Jim Hatfield, Mark Lombardi and countless others who've been rewarded for their efforts by being fed through the Buzzsaw. You can find a collection of Webb's stories on the Dark Alliance here. You can also read his final published story, The Killing Game, which examines the ulterior motives behind the Pentagon's free, online "first-person shooter" videogame, and the sinister implications of their subsequent observations of player behavior.

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Some dude by the name of Gregory must have been pretty darn proud of himself on this day in 1582, when France switched over to the "Gregorian" calendar.

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On this day in 1898, after costing nearly four thousand American military lives and untold "enemy" casualties, the Spanish-American War - in many ways, the Iraq War of its day - comes to an end with the USA in possession of the Philippines, Puerto Rico and Guam. These days, you can find Filipino restaurants in every big city, where you can also find lots and lots of Puerto Ricans. But what about Guam? So far, we've seen sweet fuck all from these fuckers. What's the matter, Guam? Aren't you glad America saved your asses from turn-of-the-century Spanish tyranny?! Send us some restaurants and/or sexy, big-assed actresses to drool over! It's long past time you paid the soldier's blood-debt you so clearly owe us.

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On this day in 1971, racist sack of shit William Hubbs Rehnquist is confirmed by Richard Nixon to be a "justice" (how ironic) on the Supreme Court of the Land. Meanwhile, down in Hell, Satan, laughing, spreads his wings.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 9

On this day in 730, the Khazars annihilate an Umayyad army and kill its commander, al-Jarrah ibn Abdallah al-Hakami, at the Battle of Marj Ardabil.

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On this day in 1793, New York City's first daily newspaper, the American Minerva, is established by Noah Webster.

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On this day in 1851, the first YMCA in North America is established in Montreal, Quebec.

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On this day in 1872, in Louisiana, P.B.S. Pinchback becomes the first serving African-American governor of a US state.

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On this day in 1935, Walter Liggett, American newspaper editor and muckraker, is killed in gangland murder.

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On this day in 1946, the "Subsequent Nuremberg Trials" begin with the "Doctors' Trial", prosecuting doctors alleged to be involved in human experimentation. Mengele, unfortunately, the infamous Doctor Death, isn't there. He's hiding out in South America, where he will remain for decades, undetected.

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On this day in 1950, Harry Gold is sentenced to 30 years in jail for helping Klaus Fuchs pass information about the Manhattan Project to the Soviet Union. His testimony is later instrumental in the prosecution of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, who both fry for their efforts.

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On this day in 1953, General Electric announces that all communist employees will be discharged from the company.

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On this day in 1958, the virulently right-wing John Birch Society is founded in the United States.

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On this day in 1960, the first episode of the world's longest-running television soap opera Coronation Street is broadcast in the United Kingdom.

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On this day in 1963, three amateur kidnappers snatch 19-year-old Frank Sinatra Jr. from a motel room in Lake Tahoe. Frank Jr. is held hostage for four days, until Frank Sr. pays the kidnappers' ransom demand of $240,000. The kidnappers were apprehended almost immediately. After serving his time, the "brains" behind the kidnapping - Barry Keenan, a close friend of Jr's sister Nancy - went on to make a fortune in real-estate speculation.

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On this day in 1979, the eradication of the smallpox virus is certified, making smallpox the first and to date only human disease driven to extinction.

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On this day in 1981, porno superstar John Holmes is charged with taking part in the brutal iron-bar torture/murders of four underworld figures in California's Laurel Canyon. He is found guilty and spends a few years in jail, where his experience in gay porn comes in real handy.

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On this day in 1992, the would-be King of England and his fairytale bride send British Prime Minister John Major out to officially inform their pudding-slurping, East Enders-watching subjects that their loveless charade of a marriage was finally coming to a legal and incontrovertible end. Once they had rid themselves of each other's company, Charles and Diana were free to explore life-options that had heretofore been closed off to them. And so it was that the Prince began to work on a revolutionary line of sentient horse tampons, while his former bride Diana fucked her way through an innumerable assortment of Egyptians, footballers, and well-hung veterans of the Falklands Conflict.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 8

On this day in 1660, a woman - either Margaret Hughes or Anne Marshall - appears on an English public stage for the first time, in the role of Desdemona in a production of Shakespeare's play Othello.

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On this day in 1792, one Henry Laurens - the details of his life lost to history's blind spots - becomes the first person ever to be cremated in the New World of America. Until then, we'd either been burying our dearly departed in graveyards, or devouring their remains to stave off starvation in quiet, desperate shame.

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On this day in 1854, in his Apostolic constitution Ineffabilis Deus, Pope Pius IX proclaims the dogmatic definition of "Immaculate Conception", which holds that the Virgin Mary was conceived free of original sin.

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On this day in 1927, the Brookings Institution, one of the United States' oldest think tanks (I prefer to call them "brain brothels", where one can hire the dubious charms of various "thought-stitutes"), is founded through the merger of three organizations that had been created by philanthropist Robert S. Brookings.

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On this day in 1941, US President Franklin D. Roosevelt declares December 7 to be "a date which will live in infamy", after which the U.S. and the Republic of China declare war against Japan.

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On this day in 1976, the General Assembly re-elects Kurt Waldheim for a second term as Secretary-General of the United Nations, and it's easy to see why. Waldheim had a truly kick-ass résumé at the time. Especially for a frickin' NAZI*!

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On this day in 1980, former Beatle John Lennon is gunned down by pathetic loser Mark David Chapman in front of the Dakota, the Manhattan apartment building where Roman Polanski’s Rosemary’s Baby was shot.

[*Pssst! 

The CIA only exposed Waldheim's Nazi affiliations after he stopped being a Nazi! 

It's true! Pass it on! - Jerky]

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR DECEMBER 7

On this day in 1869, American outlaw Jesse James commits his first confirmed bank robbery in Gallatin, Missouri.

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On this day in 1891, the United States' fifty-second Congress holds their first session. This Congress is significant, as they are the first Congress to have over $1 BILLION dollars to play with. And, you know, a billion dollars was a lot of money back then!

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On this day in 1930, W1XAV in Boston, Massachusetts broadcasts video from the CBS radio orchestra program, The Fox Trappers. The broadcast also includes the first television commercial in the United States, an advertisement for IJ Fox Furriers, who sponsored the radio show.

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On this day in 1941, at 7:53 in the morning, three-hundred-and-fifty-three Japanese bombers engage in a sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. In their wake, the bastards leave 2,403 dead soldiers and civilians, 188 destroyed planes, and a crippled Pacific battleship fleet. By attacking American forces, however, the Japanese bit off more than they could chew. As Churchill wrote in his memoirs: "Now at this very moment I knew the United States was in the war, up to the neck and in to the death... Hitler's fate was sealed.Mussolini's fate was sealed. As for the Japanese, they would be ground to powder." And so it was... for a time.

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On this day in 1975, Indonesia invades East Timor.

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On this day in 1982, in Texas, Charles Brooks Jr. becomes the first person to be executed by lethal injection in the United States.

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On this day in 1993, Long Island Railroad passenger Colin Ferguson murders six people and injures 19 others on the LIRR in Nassau County, New York.

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On this day in 1995, the Galileo spacecraft arrives at Jupiter, a little more than six years after it was launched by Space Shuttle Atlantis during Mission STS-34.

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On this day in 2003, the Conservative Party of Canada is officially recognized after the merger of the Canadian Alliance and Progressive Conservative Party of Canada.

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On this day in 2000, magnificently belligerent gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson writes the following:

"There was one exact moment, in fact, when I knew for sure that Al Gore would Never be President of the United States, no matter what the experts were saying - and that was when the whole Bush family suddenly appeared on TV and openly scoffed at the idea of Gore winning Florida... Losing was out of the question. Here was the whole bloody Family laughing and hooting and sneering at the dumbness of the whole world on National TV. The old man was the real tip-off. The leer on his face was almost frightening. It was like looking into the eyes of a tall hyena with a living sheep in its mouth."