PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 11

On this day in 1541, Santiago, Chile, is destroyed by indigenous warriors, led by Michimalonco.

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On this day in 1609, Henry Hudson discovers Manhattan Island and the indigenous people living there.

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On this day in 1789, Alexander Hamilton is appointed the first United States Secretary of the Treasury.

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On this day in 1792, the Hope Diamond is stolen along with other French crown jewels when six men break into the house where they are stored.

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On this day in 1830, the Anti-Masonic Party convention takes place. It is one of the first American political party conventions.

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On this day in 1857, the Mountain Meadows massacre takes place when Mormon settlers and Paiutes massacre 120 pioneers at Mountain Meadows, Utah.

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On this day in 1893, the Parliament of the World's Religions opened in Chicago, where Swami Vivekananda delivers his speech on fanaticism, tolerance and the truth inherent in all religions.

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On this day in 1919, U.S. Marines invade Honduras.

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On this day in 1961, the World Wildlife Fund is founded.

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On this day in 1973, a coup in Chile headed by General Augusto Pinochet topples the democratically elected president Salvador Allende. Pinochet exercises dictatorial power until ousted in a referendum in 1988, staying in power until 1990.

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On this day in 1976, a group of Croatian nationalists plant a bomb in a coin locker at Grand Central Terminal. After stating political demands, they reveal the location and provide instructions for disarming the bomb. The disarming operation was not executed properly, killing one NYPD bomb squad specialist.

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On this day in 1978, Janet Parker is the last person to die of smallpox, in a laboratory-associated outbreak.

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On this day in 1982, the international forces that were guaranteeing the safety of Palestinian refugees following Israel's 1982 Invasion of Lebanon leave Beirut. Five days later, several thousand refugees are massacred in the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps.

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On this day in 1997, NASA's Mars Global Surveyor reaches Mars.

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On this day in 2001, two hijacked aircraft crash into the World Trade Center in New York City, while a third smashes into The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, and a fourth into a field near Shanksville, Pennsylvania, in a series of coordinated suicide attacks by members of Al Qaeda. Altogether, 2,996 people are killed. Or, at least, that's what we're SUPPOSED to believe...

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On this day in 2003, Swedish foreign minister Anna Lindh is assassinated.

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On this day in 2007, Russia tests the largest conventional weapon ever, the Father of All Bombs.

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On this day in 2012, a total of 315 people are killed in two garment factory fires in Pakistan. Also on this day in 2012, the U.S. embassy in Benghazi, Libya is attacked, resulting in four deaths, including that of J. Christopher Stevens, the United States Ambassador to Libya.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 10

On this day in 1509, an earthquake known as "The Lesser Judgment Day" hits Constantinople.

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On this day in 1570, Spanish Jesuit missionaries land in present-day Virginia to establish the short-lived Ajacán Mission.

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On this day in 1608, John Smith is elected council president of Jamestown, Virginia.

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On this day in 1823, Simón Bolívar is named President of Peru.

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On this day in 1897, a sheriff's posse kills 20 unarmed immigrant miners in Pennsylvania, in what will come to be known as the Lattimer Massacre.

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On this day in 1946, while riding a train to Darjeeling, Sister Teresa Bojaxhiu of the Loreto Sisters' Convent claimed to have heard the call of God, directing her "to leave the convent and help the poor while living among them". She would become known as Mother Teresa, friend to tyrants and dictators the world over in her hypocritical lifetime.

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On this day in 1960, Ethiopian athlete Abebe Bikila wins the Olympic marathon in Rome. His victory is of particular note because the lunatic ran the entire race without the benefit of footwear! Understandably, his success did not result in a lucrative sneaker endorsement deal.

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 On this day in 1961, during the Italian Grand Prix, a crash causes the death of German Formula One driver Wolfgang von Trips and 13 spectators who are hit by his flying Ferrari.

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On this day in 1963, 20 African-American students enter public schools in Alabama. Chaos ensues... for a while. And then, 60 years later... NAZIS!!!

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On this day in 1967, the people of the protectorate of Gibraltar in Spain vote 12,138 to 44 to retain their British identity.

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On this day in 1977, Hamida Djandoubi, convicted of torture and murder, is the last person to be executed by guillotine in France.

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On this day in 1990, the Basilica of Our Lady of Peace in Yamoussoukro, Côte d'Ivoire, the largest church in Africa – it’s ridiculously huge, actually – is consecrated by Pope John Paul II.

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On this day in 1999, Battlefield Earth star and jet-plane pilot John Travolta makes an emergency landing at a Boston airfield when his private 707 loses an engine. Travolta and his entourage had been en route to Bangor, Maine at the time of the forced landing, where the prominent $cientologist maintains a home, and where the locals have come to hate and fear his hot-dogging aerial exploits.

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On this day in 2001, Charles Ingram cheats his way into winning one million pounds on a British version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Also on  this day in 2001, the mayor of Campinas, Brazil, Antonio da Costa Santos, is assassinated. These news stories are pushed off the front pages pretty quick, however, because of you-know-what.

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On this day in 2002, Switzerland, traditionally a neutral country, joins the United Nations.

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On this day in 2003, Anna Lindh, foreign minister of Sweden, is fatally stabbed while shopping, and dies the following day.

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On this day in 2008, the Large Hadron Collider at CERN, described as the biggest scientific experiment in history, is powered up in Geneva, Switzerland. Chaos fails to ensue.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 9

The stupidification of the American TV-watcher began on this day in 1950, when The Hank McClune Show became the first TV show ever to use an artificial "laugh-track" to inform viewers of the presence of comedy.

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On this day in 1956, Elvis "the pelvis" Presley made his first nationwide TV appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show, where he kicked up a helluva fuss, just a-screechin' and a-swingin' his hips around like he was a big ol' crazy gurl or sumthin. I swear it put me off muh FOOD! Didja see it? A real travesty. Thank JehovaH that rock-and-roll racket was just a passing fad.

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1971, John Lennon's album Imagine goes on sale. Meanwhile, one thousand National Guardsmen, State Troopers and local police storm New York State's Attica Prison after a breakdown in negotiations between officials and the prisoners who took 32 guards as hostages. Governor Rockefeller orders an all-out attack, resulting in the deaths of 32 inmates and 9 of their hostages.

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On this day in 1999, a Seattle transsexual climbed atop an electrical tower beside a freeway bridge during rush hour and gave commuters a show they won't ever forget. Wearing nothing but a pair of short pants, Ara Tripp danced, wagged her tits around, and spit vodka-fueled flames in the air. In an effort to keep this freak from frying, cops cut off power to the tower, blacking out 5000 homes for almost an hour. After her arrest for indecent exposure and trespassing, Tripp admitted to cops that he/she/it pulled the stunt because he/she/it wanted to get on the talk show circuit. By that measure, he/she/it failed miserably... but still, you have to admire his/her/its showmanship!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 8

On this day in 1974, President Gerald Ford begins a long-standing tradition for the Republican Party by granting an unconditional, all-encompassing pardon to disgraced President Richard Milhouse Nixon. In 1992, George Bush Sr. pardoned five defendants involved in Iran/Contra (including Caspar Weinberger) mere days before handing over the reigns to Bill Clinton.

These pardons were only the last in a long line of pardons doled out by Bush. However, the Weinberger pardon marked the first time in American history that a President pardoned a defendant in whose trial he would likely have been called as a witness, and in whose crimes he would likely have been implicated. So, in essence, Dubya's daddy pardoned himself. This is why yer old pal Jerky laughs his ass off whenever right-wingers try to portray Clinton's Marc Rich pardon as the crime of the friggin' century.

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On this day in 1504, Michelangelo's David is unveiled in Florence.

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On this day in 1565, the Knights of Malta lift the Turkish siege of Malta that began on May 18.

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On this day in 1888, in Spain, the first travel of Isaac Peral submarine, was the first practical submarine ever made.

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On this day in 1888, in London, the body of Jack the Ripper's second murder victim, Annie Chapman, is found.

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On this day in 1892, the Pledge of Allegiance is first recited.

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On this day in 1900, the Galveston Hurricane of 1900 kills about 8,000 people in Texas. This is one time where Texas' usual boast of things being bigger there wasn't necessarily for the better.

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On this day in 1914, Private Thomas Highgate becomes the first British soldier to be executed for desertion during the war.

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On this day in 1926, Germany is admitted to the League of Nations. Pfff...

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On this day in 1930, 3M begins marketing Scotch transparent tape.

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On this day in 1935, US Senator from Louisiana, Huey Long, nicknamed "Kingfish", is fatally shot in the Louisiana State Capitol building. Oh, is there ever a lot more to this story than just that...

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On this day in 1944, London is hit by a German V-2 "buzzbomb" rocket for the first time. It's a terrifying technological accomplishment. The missiles are supersonic, so you hear them coming AFTER the blast. Read Thomas Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow to learn more.

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On this day in 1966, the first Star Trek series premieres on NBC.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 7

On this day in 1927, in San Francisco, inventor Philo Farnsworth first demonstrates his most wide-spread and world-altering invention, the Television Set! Few people know that Farnsworth's Imago-Visor (as the TV was originally supposed to be called) was an accidental by-product of the legendary inventor's attempt to build a device that could sterilize "the lower races."

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On this day in the year 1981, Judge Joseph Wapner berates his first set of knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers on the premiere episode of that ubiquitous television touch-stone: The People's Court. Meanwhile, as Wapner rages, Doug Lewellyn waits for his moment in the spotlight while a stylist secures his boufant hair-helmet with a sturdy chin-strap.

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On this day in 1999, Allan Funt, the creator of Candid Camera, passes away at the ripe old age of 84. Candid Camera, which caught regular people in embarrassing, staged situations via hidden camera, was the first ever reality-based, non-news television show. Ultimately, however, yer old pal Jerky believes Funt will be fondly remembered as the only celebrity who's name rhymed with cunt.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 6

On this day in 1901, anti-statist anarchist Leon Czolgosz (pronounced: "Czolgosz") walks up to President William McKinley at Buffalo's Pan-American Exposition, extends his hanky-covered hand as if in offer to shake, then squeezes off two rounds at point blank range. When Secret Service agents grab Czolgosz and start beating the living snot out of him, gentlemanly McKinley looks up from his stretcher and declares: "Don't let them hurt him... Be easy with him, boys!" Eight days later, despite his hearty "recovery diet" of raw eggs and whiskey, the popular President dies of a kidney infection caused by the bullet that had ripped through his gut. His Vice President, the maverick Teddy Roosevelt, takes over in the first year of McKinley's second term. Two months after that, Czolgosz rides the lightning to a meeting with his maker. His last words: "I am not sorry for my crime."

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On this day in 1966, the science fiction show Star Trek makes its network television debut on NBC, giving thousands of obsessive, sexless, anal-retentive feebs a reason not to slit their wrists.

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On this day in the year 2000, government authorities see fit to inform we plebes that asteroid 2000QW7 had just hurtled within a cosmic pussy-hair of planet Earth... four days after the near-miss! Making matters worse, the Disneyland-sized space rock was first spotted by astronomers a mere SIX DAYS before it's passing! So... how close did we come to witnessing an end to civilization - or even perhaps an end to all LIFE as we know it? British scientist Lembit Opik - organizer of an international co-operative effort to counter the global threat posed by asteroids - answers that question thusly: "It is as if someone had thrown a marble at you across a tennis court and missed your head by the width of your hand."

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 5

On this day in 1972, Arab terrorists wearing track sweats climbed the fence surrounding the Olympic Village in Munich. Just before suppertime, they knocked on the door of Israeli wrestling coach Moshe Weinberg. He realized something was wrong and shouted a warning, but he and weightlifter Joseph Romano were killed when they attempted to block the door. The Arabs then succeeded in rounding up nine Israelis to hold as hostages.

At 9:30, the terrorists announced that they were Palestinians and demanded that Israel release 200 Arab prisoners and that the terrorists be given safe passage out of Germany. After hours of tense negotiations, the Palestinians, who it was later learned belonged to a PLO faction called Black September, agreed to a plan whereby they and their hostages would be flown to Cairo. 

At the airport, German sharpshooters attempted to kill the terrorists. A firefight erupted and quickly ended in a stalemate. Then, almost an hour later, one of the helicopters holding the Israelis was blown up by a terrorist grenade. 

At three in the morning, it was left to American sports announcer Jim McKay to inform the world, with a simple dignity that resonates to this day: "They're all gone."

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 4

After 30 years spent fighting the white man who had invaded his homeland, legendary Apache Geronimo finally surrendered in Arizona on this day in 1886. The fierce, vengeance-driven warrior's surrender was peaceful, as he simply looked at the numbers, weighed the odds and decided that further resistance was futile.

Between his surrender and the time of his death, twenty three years would pass. In those years, Geronimo - whose Apache name was Goyalkla - served time in jail, then moved to Oklahoma, converted to Christianity, farmed a homestead, and occasionally worked for the United States Army as a scout.

At the dawning of the 20th century, during those final, dying days of the "frontier" West, a great nostalgia was already brewing for those "simpler" times and the binary ethics they necessitated. Already aware that the ferocity of Geronimo's early career was partly due to the massacre of his wife and children by Mexican soldiers, the American public showed themselves willing to forgive his role in the killings of hundreds of white settlers, militiamen, and cavalry. In his old age, he made a good living touring world's fairs, and he even rode in President Theodore Roosevelt's inaugural parade in 1905. He died in 1909.

In 1918, less than ten years after his death, Geronimo's skull was stolen from its tomb during a grave-robbing expedition by Prescott Bush - Nazi-bankrolling father to "41" and grandfather to "43" - as a morale-boosting stunt for the Skull and Bones Society he belonged during his time at Yale.

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On this day in the year 1618, a massive avalanche destroys the entire town of Plurs, Switzerland, leaving 1,500 dead. On the plus side, the snow-packed corpses couldn't rot, so they were real easy to handle during the recovery operation.

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On this day in 1988, heavyweight boxing champ and noted cannibal-rapist Mike Tyson crashes his silver BMW into a tree, then beats the sap out of it.

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Congratulations and Happy Birthday to Nyota Uhura, born in Nairobi, Kenya on this day in 2179! Uhura would eventually become the first black female communications officer to serve in Starfleet, manning the helm of the legendary Starship Enterprise (NC-17740), where she managed to avoid the priapic advances of the equally legendary Starship Captain James T. Kirk!

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On this day in 1972, American swimmer Mark Spitz becomes the first athlete to win seven Olympic gold medals during a single Olympics. What most people don't know, however, is that two of those gold medals were awarded to his sexy moustache!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 3

On this day in 1752, absolutely nothing happened because this day doesn't exist. And neither do the next 10 days. You see, when the English-speaking world decided to adopt the Gregorian Calendar (which we're still using today), all the days between the 3rd and the 14th of September had to be skipped, in order to catch up. People were so freaked out -- believing the government had stolen part of their lives somehow -- that there was rioting in the streets. Thankfully, in these more enlightened days of ours, sparking such violent unrest takes something serious. Say, an event on the magnitude of the home team's failure to secure a win in the big game.

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On this day in 301, San Marino, one of the smallest nations in the world and the world's oldest republic still in existence, is founded by Saint Marinus.

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On this day in 1189, Richard I of England (a.k.a. Richard "the Lionheart") is crowned at Westminster.

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On this day in 1260, the Mamluks defeat the Mongols at the Battle of Ain Jalut in Palestine, marking their first decisive defeat and the point of maximum expansion of the Mongol Empire... it was the breaking of the wave, as they say.

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On this day in 1777, during the Battle of Cooch's Bridge, the Flag of the United States is flown in battle for the first time.

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On this day in 1838, future abolitionist Frederick Douglass escapes from slavery.

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On this day in 1855, in Nebraska, 700 soldiers under United States General William S. Harney avenge the Grattan Massacre by attacking a Sioux village and killing 100 men, women and children.

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On this day in 1875, the first official game of Polo is played in Argentina after being introduced by British Ranchers. Overpriced cologne and ugly shirts ensue.

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On this day in 1878, over 640 die when the crowded pleasure boat Princess Alice collides with the Bywell Castle in the River Thames.

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On this day in 1935, Sir Malcolm Campbell reaches a speed of 304.331 miles per hour on the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah, becoming the first person to drive an automobile over 300 mph

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On this day in 1941, Nazi soldier Karl Fritzsch, deputy camp commandant of the Auschwitz concentration camp, experiments with the use of Zyklon B in the gassing of Soviet POWs.

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On this day in 1944, diarist Anne Frank and her family are placed on the last transport train from the Westerbork transit camp to the Auschwitz concentration camp, arriving three days later.

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On this day in the year 1978, Pope John Paul I is officially installed as 264th supreme pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church. Unfortunately for the evil pricks that hand-picked him, John Paul turned out to be smarter and more principled than anyone could have guessed. Right away, he made it his goal to sever all ties between the notorious Sindona and Calvi families and the Vatican Bank, running him afoul of such avoid-at-all-costs organizations as P2, Opus Dei and the mafia. He also made it clear that he would be using his Papal bully pulpit to revise the Church's stance on birth control, pissing off the ultra-conservative College of Cardinals. To people who knew what was going on at the time, John Paul's death -- only a month after his assumption of the Papacy -- was no surprise at all.

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On this day in 1967, people in Sweden begin driving on the right-hand side of road. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 2004, the three-day Beslan school hostage crisis ends with the deaths of over 300 people, more than half of which are children. Anti-Chechen rage boils over throughout Russia.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 2

On this day in 1192, the Treaty of Jaffa was signed between Richard I of England and Saladin, leading to the end of the Third Crusade.

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On this day in 1666, the Great Fire of London breaks out and burns for three days, destroying 10,000 buildings including St Paul's Cathedral.

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On this day in 1752, absolutely nothing happened because this day doesn't exist. And neither do the next 10 days. You see, when the English-speaking world decided to adopt the Gregorian Calendar (which we're still using today), all the days between the 3rd and the 14th of September had to be skipped, in order to catch up. People were so freaked out -- believing the government had stolen part of their lives somehow -- that there was rioting in the streets. Thankfully, in these more enlightened days of ours, sparking such violent unrest takes something serious. Say, an event on the magnitude of the home team's failure to secure a win in the big game.

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On this day in 1806, a massive landslide destroys the town of Goldau, Switzerland, killing 457.

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On this day in 1859, a solar super storm affects electrical telegraph service. If the same storm happened today, under the same circumstances... we'd be royally fucked.

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On this day in 1885, the Rock Springs massacre happens in Rock Springs, Wyoming. 150 White miners, who are struggling to unionize so they could strike for better wages and work conditions, attack their Chinese fellow workers killing 28, wounding 15 and forcing several hundred more out of town.

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On this day in 1935, the Labor Day Hurricane hits the Florida Keys killing 423.

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On this day in 1944, future American President George Herbert Walker "Poppy" Bush had to ditch his burning plane and - thanks to the 30 square yards of hemp fabric strapped to his back - he survived. That's right, you heard right... the parachute that saved President Bush's life was made of marijuana. I tell you what... if yer old pal Jerky had been that parachute, and if he had known about the way Bush would crank up the War On DrugsTM, and if he had known about the horrific mediocrity that was destined to spring from his loins... yer old pal Jerky the parachute would have ripped. By the way, the rest of the crew perished in the crash, and cameras just happened to be on hand to catch the scene. 

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On this day in 1945, Vietnam declares its independence, forming the Democratic Republic of Vietnam. And they all lived happily ever after.

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On this day in 1958, United States Air Force C-130A-II is shot down by fighters over Yerevan in Armenia when it strays into Soviet airspace while conducting a sigint mission. All crew members are killed.

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On this day in 1998, Swissair Flight 111 crashes near Peggys Cove, Nova Scotia. All 229 people on board are killed. Gruesome floating body parts ensue.

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Also on this day in 1998, the UN's International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda finds Jean Paul Akayesu, the former mayor of a small town in Rwanda, guilty of nine counts of genocide. Nine! How can that possibly be?! I didn't even know there were nine different ethnicities in Rwanda! Oh well. I guess if it was gonna happen some place...

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 1

On this day in the year 1939, Germany invades Poland, sparking World War II. Two years later, on this day in 1941, Hitler makes it obligatory for all Jews to wear the yellow star insignia. And, finally, on this day in 1945, three weeks after having two atomic bombs dropped on them, the Japanese officially surrender, finally putting an end to World War II. Nice fucking century we just went through, wasn't it?

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On this day in 1983, Korean Airlines flight KAL 007 from New York to Seoul strays 200 miles off course, bringing it almost directly over a top secret Soviet military base in Kamchatka. Soviet radar technicians suspect the commercial flight might be a spy plane, so they dispatch two fighter jets to intercept. The fighters can't get a response to communication requests, so they launch heat-seekers and shoot it down, sending 269 passengers and crew to a fiery/watery doom in the Sea of Japan. Responding with outrage, President Ronald Reagan declared the Soviets had: "turned against the world and the moral precepts which guide human relations among people everywhere." Five years later, on July 3, 1988, an American warship in the Persian Gulf shoots down an Iranian Airbus 300 carrying 290 civilian passengers, none of whom survive. "I will never apologize for the United States; I don't care what the facts are," said then-presidential candidate George Herbert Walker "Poppy" Bush.

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On this day, in 1985, a French-led submarine expedition discovers the wreckage of the Titanic, fucking up one of the few great mysteries of the Modern age.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 31

On this day in 1888, London's self-pronounced Jack the Ripper claims his first victim, prostitute Mary Ann Nichols. Her mutilated corpse is discovered in the Whitechapel section of London's rough-and-tumble East End, and before too long, four more victims fall prey to his surgeon's scalpels. Five dead prostitutes. That's a pretty paltry haul, when you stop and think about our modern-day serial killers. Hell, the Green River Killer probably scored ten times that many! And yer old pal Jerky hears tell there are a couple of inbred Canadian pig farmers who could go through five hookers during the average three-day weekend. We've come a long way, baby! If, however, the new theory that Jack was really American psychopath H.H. Holmes turns out to be true, he might well have been one of the most prolific murderers in the history of mayhem, after all.

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On this day in 1895, German Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin patents his Navigable Balloon.

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On this day in the year 1955, the first-ever solar-powered automobile is demonstrated at a car show in Chicago. It was such a resounding technological and aesthetic success that soon EVERYONE was driving a solar-powered car. Today, it's hard to imagine a world without solar-powered automobiles.

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On this day in 1991, the region of Kyrgyzstan declares its independence from the Soviet Union.

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On this day in 1997, one year and two days after her divorce from Prince Charles was finalized (and after she’d expressed fears that the Royals would have her killed and make it look like an accident), Diana, Princess of Wales, her companion Dodi Fayed and driver Henri Paul die in a car crash in Paris.

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On this day in 1935, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt signs the Neutrality Act, a piece of legislation prohibiting the export of American-made arms and munitions to belligerent nations. Over in Connecticut, the Nazi-affiliated Bush clan sulks and pouts.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 30

On this day in 1574, Guru Ram Das becomes the Fourth Sikh Guru/Master.

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On this day in 1909, the Burgess Shale fossils are discovered by Charles Doolittle Walcott., sending Creationists into a tizzy of ridiculous back-peddling, lame rationalization, and lowered expectations.

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On this day in 1963, the Hotline - or the infamous "red phone" - between the leaders of the U.S.A. and the Soviet Union goes into operation.

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On this day in 1967, Thurgood Marshall is confirmed as the first African American Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States.

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On this day in 1979, scientists witness one of the rarest occurrences in the universe as a large comet hurtles directly into the heart of our sun, releasing the equivalent energy of roughly one MILLION hydrogen bombs.

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On this day in the year 1979, President Jimmy Carter is paddling peacefully down a river in Georgia when, all of a sudden, he's attacked by a crazed, bloodthirsty swamp rabbit! Unfortunately for Carter, the humiliating encounter is witnessed by many.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 29

According to the Roman Catholic Church, it was on this day in the year 29 AD that John the Baptist's head was chopped off by agents of Herod, as per a request by Salome. It was probably all for the best, though. Anybody who spouts shit like: "Whoever has two coats must share with anyone who has none; and whoever has food must do likewise (Matthew 3:11-12)" is a rotten communistic sonofabitch who deserves whatever bad luck comes his way.

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On this day in 1533, 300 years of Inca civilization in the Andes mountains of Peru comes to a sudden end when Atahuallpa, 13th and final Inca emperor, is strangulated by conquistadors under the command of Spanish invader Francisco Pizarro. Almost immediately after their emperor's murder, the entire Inca population - 12 million people who had previously enjoyed an impressive network of roads, indoor plumbing, an elaborate government, and a brilliant agricultural system - drift into the jungle and essentially vanish from the face of the Earth.

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On this day in 1758, the first American Indian Reservation is established, at Indian Mills, New Jersey.

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In the chaotic, post-revolutionary period that followed America's War of Independence and preceded the establishment of the Constitutional Congress, former revolutionary army captain Daniel Shays led a months-long rebellion of farmers, debtors, and common working people against the arrogance, entitlement, corruption, graft and rampant mismanagement in which the nation's moneyed elites were engaged at the time. Things started really heating up in earnest on this day in 1786, when Shays and hundreds of his followers - sprigs of hemlock stuck in their hats - stormed and occupied a Northampton, Mass. courthouse to prevent the imprisonment of farmers who had defaulted on their debts. His occasionally violent actions helped speed up the process that led to the creation and implementation of America's Constitution.

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On this day in 1831, scientist Michael Faraday discovers electromagnetic induction. He later invents the Faraday cage to hide in... you know... when the lightning storms get too scary.

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On this day in 1885, engineer Gottlieb Daimler patents the world's first internal combustion motorcycle, called the Reitwagen. Thirteen years later on this day in 1898, the Goodyear tire company is founded, making riding on motorcycles a lot easier. Those wooden tires offered the very roughest of rides, let me tell you.

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On this day in 1949, the USSR successfully test their first atomic bomb, and the Cold War begins in earnest. Two positives emerge from this massive negative, however: Tang powdered orange drink and the lyrics to Emerson, Lake and Powell's most excellent Touch and Go. Remember that tune? "All systems go / Friend or foe? / It all depends on the dice you throw / Comes without a warning, like a UFO / When you're running with the Devil it's touch and go." Kick ass tune, maaan.

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On this day in 1966, Brit rock combo The Beatles perform their last concert before paying fans at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.

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On this day in 2005, Hurricane Katrina devastates much of the U.S. Gulf Coast from Louisiana to the Florida Panhandle, killing more than 1,836 and causing over $80 billion in damage. Both those estimates are totally low-balling it, too.

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On this day in 2007, six US cruise missiles armed with nuclear warheads are flown without proper authorization from Minot Air Force Base to Barksdale Air Force Base.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 28

On this day in 1833, the Slavery Abolition Act 1833 receives Royal Assent, abolishing slavery through most the British Empire.

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On this day in 1845, the first issue of Scientific American magazine is published. Blind to the problems inherent in the oftentimes grim worldview of "scientism", it has been a faithful defender of cybernetics and technocracy pretty much since its inception.

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On this day in 1859, a geomagnetic storm causes the Aurora Borealis or Northern Lights to shine so brightly that it is seen clearly over parts of USA, Europe, and even as far away as Japan.

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On this day in 1879, Cetshwayo, last king of the Zulus, is captured by the British.

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On this day in 1898, Caleb Bradham invents the carbonated soft drink that will later be called Pepsi-Cola.

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On this day in 1955, black teenager Emmett Till is brutally murdered in Mississippi, galvanizing the nascent American Civil Rights Movement.

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On this day in 1957, U.S. Senator Strom Thurmond begins a filibuster to prevent the Senate from voting on Civil Rights Act of 1957; he stopped speaking 24 hours and 18 minutes later, the longest filibuster ever conducted by a single Senator. Until Cory Booker beat the old racist!

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Many years ago today - on this day in 1963 - Martin Luther King Jr stood on the steps of the Lincoln memorial in Washington D.C. and delivered one of the greatest speeches in the rich history of American oratory. Most of you have heard parts of it, but when you listen to the whole thing, you start to understand why The Powers That Be needed him gone.

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On this day in 1968, riots take place in Chicago, Illinois, during the Democratic National Convention, mostly thanks to the thuggish behavior of the city's notoriously brutal police.

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On this day in 1988, the Ramstein airshow disaster: three aircraft of the Frecce Tricolori demonstration team collide and the wreckage falls into the crowd. 75 are killed and 346 seriously injured.

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On this day in 1990, Iraq declares Kuwait to be its newest province. That doesn't work out so well for them, in hindsight.

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On this day in 1996, the divorce between England's Prince Charles and Diana Spencer becomes final, freeing the future King to pursue his longstanding equine interests - both sporting and romantic - and the then-future corpse to soak up Third World adulation and consort with Egyptian billionaire playboys. One year and two days later, Diana would perish in a plane crash or something. I don't really remember the details, seeing as the incident received such paltry media coverage.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 27

On this day in 1859, petroleum is discovered in Titusville, Pennsylvania leading to the world's first commercially successful oil well. And we all lived happily ever after.

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On this day in the year 1896, the nation of Zanzibar declares war on England at 9:02 AM. By 9:40 AM, only 38 minutes later, the war is over, with England scoring a decisive victory. It is the shortest war in recorded history. HUZZAH!

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On this day in 1927, five Canadian women file a petition to the Supreme Court of Canada, asking: "Does the word 'Persons' in Section 24 of the British North America Act, 1867, include female persons?" The question would not be answered until 1929. Check out this video produced by the Canadian government about the topic. For some reason, Youtube won't let me post it here.

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On this day in 1928, the Kellogg-Briand Pact outlawing war is signed by the first 15 nations to do so. Ultimately sixty-one nations will sign it. And we all lived happily ever after.

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On this day in 1962, the Mariner 2 unmanned space mission is launched to Venus by NASA.

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On this day in 1963, 15-year-old Ed Kemper murders his grandparents, then calls up his mother and explains: "I just wondered how it would feel to shoot Grandma." At the Atascadero State Hospital, he tries to convince the psychiatrists assigned to his case that he should never be released. They ignore his warnings, releasing him in 1969. 21 years old, a late adolescent growth-spurt sent Ed careening into NBA territory. He stood a full 6 feet, 9 inches tall, and weighed over 300 pounds. Within three years of his release, he started picking up hitch-hikers, raping them, killing them, and occasionally eating them... not necessarily in that order. Eventually, he made his way home and killed his mother - probably fulfilling the underlying desire that had been driving his murderous rampage all along, seeing as he confessed to his crimes soon afterwards. Ed Kemper's most famous quote remains: "When I see a pretty girl, one side of me says, I'd like to talk to her, date her. The other side of me says, I wonder how her head would look on a stick?" Yer old pal Jerky groks, Ed, but you gotta take that shit to the can! Nobody gets hurt when you're flying solo, baby.

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On this day in 1979, a Provisional Irish Republican Army bomb kills British World War II admiral Louis Mountbatten and three others while they are boating on holiday in Sligo, Republic of Ireland. Shortly after, 18 British Army soldiers are killed in an ambush near Warrenpoint, Northern Ireland. This is where Roger Waters got the line "...and maniacs don't blow holes in bandsmen by remote control" from, for The Gunner's Dream, off the last Pink Floyd album, The Final Cut.

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On this day in 1982, Turkish military diplomat Colonel Atilla Altıkat is shot and killed in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada's capital. Justice Commandos Against Armenian Genocide claim responsibility, saying they are avenging the massacre of 1.5 million Armenians in the 1915 Armenian Genocide.

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On this day in 2003, Mars - the Planet of War - makes its closest approach to Earth in nearly 60,000 years, passing 34,646,418 miles distant. Meanwhile, back on Earth, George Dubya Bush's Businessman's War of First Resort rages on and on and on in Iraq. Coincidence? You be the judge. Unless you voted for the liar.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 26

On this day in 1498, the legendary artist Michelangelo is commissioned to carve the world-famous Pietà.

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On this day in 1789, the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen is approved by the National Constituent Assembly of France.

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On this day in 1883... KA-FUCKIN-BOOM!!! The island of Krakatoa (near Java) blows up real good, killing 36,000 people in the process. Most died after being swept away by the humongous tidal waves that encircled the world's oceans after the ocean collapsed in on the smoking hole the explosion left behind. Ash and debris that had been blasted into the atmosphere by the explosion darkened the sky and cooled the planet for a year afterwards.

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On this day in 1920, the 19th Amendment to the Constitution is passed, granting women the right to vote. Since then, we've been involved in over a dozen major military conflicts, experienced two dozen major earthquakes, three massive droughts and two massive, nation-wide silk-worm infestations. Coincidence? Not bloody likely.

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Memo to automobile manufacturers: NEVER roll out a new line of automobiles on this day, ever again. It was on this day in 1957 that the Ford Motor Company introduced the Edsel to the car-buying public. Named after Henry Ford’s son, Edsel Bryant, the Edsel was the first car built based on market research, which showed that consumers wanted more horsepower, tailfins, three-tone paint jobs, and wrap-around windshields. Apparently, Ford's executives didn't know then what yer old pal Jerky knows, now... mainly, that the vast majority of people are TOO FUCKING STUPID to know what they want. Also, on this day in 1985, that Yugoslavian-built punchline-on-wheels known as the Yugo makes its North American debut. Remember Saturday Night Live's satirical commercial for the Adobe? The "little car that's made out of clay"? The Yugo wasn't much better.

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On this day in 1970, the then new feminist movement, led by Betty Friedan, leads a nation-wide Women's Strike for Equality. It doesn't work.

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On this day in 1977, the Charter of the French Language is adopted by the National Assembly of Quebec. English Canadians from sea to sea to sea shit their collective drawers in goofball outrage.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 25

On this day in 1609, medieval scientist/astronomer Galileo demonstrates his first telescope to Venetian lawmakers. Unfortunately, these lawmakers turn out to be a buncha fuckin' assholes.

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On this day in 1835, the New York Sun begins running a series of stories about astronomer John Herschell's discovery - with the help of an immensely powerful South African telescope - of a society of intelligent, bat-like humanoids on the moon. Although almost forgotten today, the Great Moon Hoax of 1835 remains the greatest prank in the history of journalism.

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On this day in 1914, the library of the Catholic University of Leuven is deliberately destroyed by the German Army. Hundreds of thousands of irreplaceable volumes and Gothic and Renaissance manuscripts are lost.

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On this day in 1916, the United States National Park Service is created.

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On this day in 1944, Paris is liberated by the Allies.

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On this day in 1945, ten days after World War II ends with Japan announcing its surrender, armed supporters of the Chinese Communist Party kill Baptist missionary John Birch, regarded by some of the American conservative movement as the first victim of the Cold War... hence the creation of the right-wing and rabidly anti-communist (and often virulently anti-Semitic) John Birch Society.

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On this day in 1948, the House Un-American Activities Committee (HUAC) holds first-ever televised congressional hearing: "Confrontation Day" between commie-turned-right-winger Whittaker Chambers and accused commie spy Alger Hiss.

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On this day in 1950, President Harry Truman orders the U.S. Army to seize control of the nation's railroads to avert a strike. Just imagine that happening today.

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On this day in 1981, the Voyager 2 spacecraft makes its closest approach to Saturn. Eight years later, on this day in 1989 – it makes its closest approach to Neptune, the second to last planet in the Solar System at the time.

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On this day in 1991, the nation of Belarus gains its independence from the Soviet Union. It is now home to the last remaining bona-fide dictatorship in mainland continental Europe. And, along with Ruzzia, are trying to re-create that same USSR but using the far Right instead of the far Left.

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On this day in 1996, Netscape launches Navio Communications. The new company was dedicated to integrating Netscape software into televisions, phones, cars, and other electronic devices. Thankfully, Bill Gates put a stop to that nonsense!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 24

On this day in 410, the Visigoths under king Alaric I begin to pillage Rome. Then, on this day in 455, the Vandals, led by king Genseric, begin to plunder Rome. Finally, on this day in 1185, Thessalonica is sacked by the Normans. Hot damn! That’s a whole lotta sackin’ goin’ on!

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On this day in 1349, 6,000 Jews are killed in Mainz, today in Germany, after being blamed for spreading the bubonic plague somehow.

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On this day in 1456, the print-setting for the first edition of the Gutenberg Bible is completed.

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On this day in 1608, the first official English representative to India lands in Surat. And they all lived happily together after.

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Even though their nation didn't exist at the time, many Canadians consider August 24 of 1814 to be their finest hour. Why? Because that's the day they woke up on the wrong side of their igloos, crept on tippy-toes to Washington DC, and burned down the Capital building. To that yer old pal Jerky says: Whoopdy-fuckin' shit!

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On this day in the year 1853, Chef George Crum creates the potato chip, known as "crisps" to our friends in the British Commonwealth. So, next time you're walking down the street and you wonder where all these fucking FAT people came from all of a sudden, just remember Chef George Crum and his contribution to the Illuminati Genocide Diet!

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On this day in 1857, the Panic of 1857 begins, setting off one of the most severe economic crises in United States history.

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On this day in 1891, Thomas Edison patents the motion picture camera. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1941, Adolf Hitler orders an end to Nazi Germany's systematic T4 euthanasia program of the mentally ill and the handicapped due to mass protests. Despite this declaration, the killings continue for the remainder of the war.

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On this day in 1949, NATO goes into effect.

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On this day in 1954, the Communist Control Act goes into effect, officially outlawing the American Communist Party.

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On this day in 1967, led by Abbie Hoffman, the Youth International Party (YIPPIES!) temporarily disrupt trading at the NYSE by throwing dollar bills from the viewing gallery, causing trading to cease as brokers scramble like a bunch of fucking goofs to grab them.

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On this day in 1981, Mark David Chapman is sentenced to 20 years to life in prison for murdering John Lennon. 20 YEARS!!! Bradley Manning, meanwhile…

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On this day in 1991, Ukraine declares itself independent from the Soviet Union.

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On this day in 1998, the first ever radio-frequency identification (RFID) human implantation tested in – where else? – the United Kingdom.

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On this day in 2006, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) redefines the term "planet" such that Pluto is now considered a dwarf planet. Poor Pluto...

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 23

On this day in the year 79 AD, the European continent's only active volcano, Vesuvius, blows its top. Thousands die, asphyxiated by clouds of hot, poison gas, and the vibrant Roman cities of Pompeii and, less famously, Herculaneum, are buried under a thick layer of steaming mud and ash. The dead cities lay undisturbed and preserved for millennia until, in the eighteenth century, archaeological excavations began. They continue to this very day. Priceless art treasures and great, formative works of philosophy, literature and science were discovered, fueling the Enlightenment. Today, Vesuvius is still active, and scientists claim it's only a matter of time before she pops off again. Nearly a million people live in her "kill zone." Who knows? Maybe in another two thousand years they'll be digging up empty Brio bottles and copies of L'Espresso magazine and marveling at the wonder of it all.

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On this day in 1305, Sir William Wallace - better known today as Braveheart - is executed for high treason at Smithfield in London.

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On this day in 1572, the Saint Bartholomew's Day Massacre takes place in France when King Charles IX - acting on the wishes of his mother, Catherine de Medici - orders the assassination of French Protestant leaders, known as Hugenots, who were attending the marriage of their leader, Navarre, to the King's sister, in Paris. Once word got out the the King's men were killing Protestant leaders, Frenchmen across the nation went bonkers, massacring any Protestant they could get their hands on. Despite a royal proclamation to cease and desist, the killings went on into October, by which time nearly seventy thousand French Protestants had been slaughtered. Meanwhile, up in heaven, Jesus and God looked at each other and shook their heads in utter disbelief.

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On this day in 1784, Western North Carolina (now eastern Tennessee) declares itself an independent state under the name of Franklin; it is not accepted into the United States, and only lasts for four years.

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On this day in 1863, a Confederate-sympathizing, slavery-supporting reprobate by the name of William C. Quantrill leads 450 guerrila-style "raiders" in a violent attack on the city of Lawrence, Kansas. The rampaging army - which included the infamous James and Younger crime gangs - burned down most major buildings in the city, and killed over 200 men and boys.

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On this day in 1927, Italian Anarchists Sacco and Vanzetti are executed after a lengthy, controversial trial.

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On this day in 1939, Germany and the Soviet Union sign a non-aggression treaty, the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact. In a secret addition to the pact, the Baltic states, Finland, Romania, and Poland are divided between the two nations. Meanwhile, three years later to the day, on this day in 1942, the Battle of Stalingrad begins after Hitler stupidly chooses to invade the USSR.

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On this day in 1966, Lunar Orbiter 1 takes the first photograph of Earth from orbit around the Moon.

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On this day in 1968, drummer Ringo Starr quits The Beatles over a minor disagreement. He soon comes to the terrifying realization that he's RINGO STARR, for fuck's sake, and promptly returns, tail tucked tightly between his legs, acting as though nothing had happened. Taking pity on him, John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison let it slide.

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On this day in 1973 a bank robbery gone wrong in Stockholm, Sweden, turns into a hostage crisis; over the next five days the hostages begin to sympathize with their captors, leading to the term "Stockholm syndrome".

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On this day in 1990, a computer genius named Tim Berners-Lee opens the WWW - World Wide Web to new users.

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On this day in 1990, Armenia declares its independence from the Soviet Union.

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On this day in 1993, the Galileo spacecraft discovers a moon, later named Dactyl, around 243 Ida, the first known asteroid moon.

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On this day in 1996, Saudi-born terrorist Osama bin Laden issues message entitled "A declaration of war against the Americans occupying the land of the two holy places." At the time, Republicans scoff at President Clinton's attempts to take this threat seriously.

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Many years ago on this day, yours truly predicted that on this day in the year 2013, the alphabet would go the way of the Morse Code, as all human beings who manage to survive the devastating "Common Cold Plague" have their brains implanted with tiny microchips that allow all twelve of them to be in constant telepathic communication with each other, using Bluetooth technology. Too bad it didn't come to pass. Or did it?

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 22

On this day in 564, Saint Columba reports seeing a monster in Loch Ness, Scotland.

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On this day in 1485, the Battle of Bosworth Field, the death of Richard III and the end of the House of Plantagenet.

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On this day in 1642, Charles I calls the English Parliament traitors. The English Civil War begins.

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On this day in 1654, a man by the name of Jacob Barsimson arrives in New Amsterdam. He is the first known Jewish immigrant to America.

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On this day in 1791, the Haitian Slave Revolution in Saint-Domingue begins. It is the first and only successful Spartacist revolution in history. Pretty awesome.

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On this day in 1831, Nat Turner's slave rebellion commences just after midnight in Southampton County, Virginia, leading to the deaths of more than 50 whites and several hundred African Americans who are killed in retaliation for the uprising.

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On this day in 1864, 12 nations sign the First Geneva Convention. The Red Cross is formed.

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On this day in 1902, Theodore Roosevelt becomes the first President of the United States to ride in an automobile.

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On this day in 1922, Michael Collins, Commander-in-chief of the Irish Free State Army, is shot dead during an Anti-Treaty ambush at Béal na Bláth, County Cork, during the Irish Civil War.

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On this day in 1992, the second day of the stand-off, federal law enforcement officers close in on Randy Weaver's deep-woods hideaway at Ruby Ridge. At one point, as the Weavers try to bury their 14 year old son - who was shot and killed by a federal officer after he shot and killed a federal officer for shooting his dog - sharpshooters open fire, killing Weaver's wife while she held their baby daughter in her arms. Meanwhile, around the nation, for the first time in their lives, big dumb white guys begin to worry about police brutality. By the way, contrary to popular right-wing mythology, the President of the USA at the time was George Herbert Walker Bush, and NOT Bill Clinton.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 21

On this dark night in the year 31,430 BC, the last living Neanderthal hides in a cave while a Cro-magnon hunting party waits outside, screaming and hurling rocks, gathering up their courage to go in after him. The Neanderthal, who's just watched these same blood-thirsty killers butcher his entire family, realizes his situation is hopeless. Alone in the cold, damp darkness, he tilts back his head and howls one last time at a moon he will never see again.

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On this day in 1770, James Cook formally claims eastern Australia for Great Britain, naming it New South Wales.

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On this day in 1831, Nat Turner leads black slaves and free blacks in a rebellion.

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On this day in 1863, Lawrence, Kansas is destroyed by Confederate guerrillas Quantrill's Raiders in the Lawrence Massacre.

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On this day in 1888, the first successful adding machine in the United States is patented by William Seward Burroughs, the grandfather of writer William S Burroughs of Naked Lunch infamy.

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On this day in 1911, some crazy Italian by the name of Vincenzo Peruggia strolls into Paris' Louvre museum, walks up to Leonardo Davinci's masterpiece, the Mona Lisa, takes it down from the wall, slips it under his coat, then brazenly walks right out the door with it. Two and a half years later, Peruggia is apprehended after trying to sell the priceless treasure to an Italian art dealer. This a fine, illustrative example of the old physiological dictum stating that testicular volume one carries around in one's pants is usually inversely proportionate to the amount of grey matter one has in one's skull.

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On this day in 1945, physicist Harry K. Daghlian, Jr. is fatally irradiated in a criticality accident during an experiment with the Demon core at Los Alamos National Laboratory.

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On this day in 1961, Motown releases what would be its first #1 hit, "Please Mr. Postman" by The Marvelettes.

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On this day in 1986, carbon dioxide gas erupts from volcanic Lake Nyos in Cameroon, killing up to 1,800 people within a 20-kilometer range.

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On this day in 1992, the Ruby Ridge Standoff in Idaho commences

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It will be on this day in 2017 that the next total solar eclipse will be visible from North America. Chaos will probably already have ensued by then.... Addendum 2023 - Chaos ensued, but we survived it Or did we?!?!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 20

On this day in 1000, the foundation of the Hungarian state by Saint Stephen, first King of Hungary. Today celebrated as the National Day of Hungary by all my crazy Magyar friends! In fact, it was on this day in 83 years later, in 1083, that the Catholic Church canonized Saint Stephen and his son Saint Emeric.

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On this day in 1308, Pope Clement V pardons Jacques de Molay, the last Grand Master of the Knights Templar, absolving him of charges of heresy. A little late for that, ain't it, Clem?

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On this day in 1858, theologian Charles Darwin first publishes his theory of evolution through natural selection in The Journal of the Proceedings of the Linnean Society of London, alongside Alfred Russel Wallace's same theory.

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On this day in 1890, the writer Howard Philips Lovecraft - father of the Modern literary genre of Cosmic Horror and creator of such dark fantasy staples as Cthulhu (see above) and the Necronomicon - is born to a syphilitic father and a certifiably insane mother. Both parents would die after years of institutionalization. Old H.P. was raised by two doting old aunts in a rickety mansion in Providence, Rhode Island. And if you aren't reading Alan Moore's current, ongoing comic series Providence, you're missing out on the best art and writing the comics field currently has to offer. Beyond all odds, Mr Lovecraft remains tragically relevant.

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On this day in 1913, contrary to the cowardly reputation of his fellow countrymen, Adolphe Pegoud - a Frenchman - becomes the first person dumb enough to test-drive a parachute. It opens, and Pegoud survived, but he hit the ground at something like thirty miles per hour. Ayoye, tabarnac!

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Undercover NKVD agent Ramón Mercader manages to gain entrance to Leon Trotsky's heavily-guarded Mexican safe house, where he pulls out an ice axe and buries it deep in the prolific communist intellectual-in-exile's skull. How he managed to penetrate Trotsky's thick and wiry nimbus of a hairdo, yer old pal Jerky has yet to figure out.

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On this day in 1975, NASA launches the Viking 1 planetary probe toward Mars.

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On this day in 1982, President Ronald Reagan orders 800 U.S. Marines to join a multinational force in Beirut to help oversee the Palestinian withdrawal from Lebanon, where a fierce civil war between Muslim and Christian militias had been raging for seven years. Seventeen months and 262 dead Marines later,Reagan decides to pull out and send our battle-weary soldiers on a working vacation in beautiful downtown Grenada! What a nice gesture!

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On this day in the year 1986, mailman Patrick Sherrill arrives for work at the Edmund, Oklahoma (pop. 35,000) Post Office, pulls out a gun and starts to pick off his co-workers one-by-one. Sherrill's rampage leaves 14 people dead, and forever cements the public perception of postal workers as being two rounds short of a full clip.

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On this day in 1988, a ceasefire is agreed after almost eight years of the Iran/Iraq war.

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On this day in 1989, those wacky Menendez brothers murder their parents. Media-fueled chaos ensues.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 19

On this day in 295 BC the first temple to Venus, the Roman goddess of love, beauty and fertility, is dedicated by Quintus Fabius Maximus Gurges during the Third Samnite War

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On this day in 43 BC, Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus, later known as Augustus, compels the Roman Senate to elect him Consul.

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On this day in 1612, the "Samlesbury witches", three women from the Lancashire village of Samlesbury, England, are put on trial, accused of practicing witchcraft, one of the most famous witch trials in British history.

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On this day in 1692, Salem witch trials: in Salem, Province of Massachusetts Bay, five people, one woman and four men, including a clergyman, are executed after being convicted of witchcraft.

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On this day in 1839, the French government announces that Louis Daguerre's photographic process is a gift "free to the world".

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On this day in 1934, by dint of a national plebecite, the German people hand over sole executive power to Adolph Hitler. The vote was thirty-eight million for Hitler to four million, two hundred and fifty thousand against... which means he had an approval rating of 88%.

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On this day in 1953, the CIA and MI6 help to overthrow the government of Mohammad Mosaddegh in Iran and reinstate the Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlavi.

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On this day in 1960 in Moscow, Russia, Soviet Union, downed American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers is sentenced to ten years imprisonment by the Soviet Union for espionage.

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On this day in 1960, the Soviet Union launches the satellite with the dogs Belka and Strelka, 40 mice, 2 rats and a variety of plants.

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On this day in the year 1972, it is not beyond the realm of possibility that a drunken, bare-naked George Dubya Bush snorted a line of cocaine off a stripper's belly in a Tijuana tavern while his buddies beat the bartender's blind old hound dog to death with their fat fucking wallets.

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On this day in 1987, in the United Kingdom, Michael Ryan kills sixteen people with a semi-automatic rifle and then commits suicide.

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On this day in 1991, Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev is placed under house arrest while on holiday in the town of Foros, Ukraine.

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On this day in 1991, Black groups target Hasidic Jews on the streets of Crown Heights in New York, New York for three days, after two black children were hit by a car driven by a Hasidic man.

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On this day in 2003, a car-bomb attack on United Nations headquarters in Iraq kills the agency's top envoy Sérgio Vieira de Mello and 21 other employees.

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On this day in 2010, Operation Iraqi Freedom comes to an end, with the last of the United States brigade combat teams crossing the border into Kuwait.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 18

On this day in 1227, the merciless Genghis Khan - who, beginning as a juvenile delinquent gang-leader in his early teens, led one of the most expansive and successful world conquests in history, laying the foundations for a family dynasty that lasted centuries - dies after a long illness. Near the Xi Xia region of China at the time of his death, Khan's soldiers march their beloved leader's corpse back to Mongolia, killing every living thing that crosses their path along the way. How fuckin' cool is that?!

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On this day in 1634, a priest named Urbain Grandier is accused and convicted of sorcery, only to be burned alive in Loudun, France. Aldous Huxley wrote about this in his historical novel The Devils of Loudun, and Ken Russell made a controversial film about it, called The Devils, in the early 1970s.

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On this day in 1920, the Nineteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution is ratified, guaranteeing women's suffrage (a.k.a. the vote).

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On this day in 1950, Julien Lahaut, the chairman of the Communist Party of Belgium is assassinated by far-right elements.

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On this day in 1958, novelist Vladimir Nabokov's controversial novel Lolita is published in the United States.

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On this day in 1977, South African freedom fighter Steve Biko is arrested at a police roadblock under the Terrorism Act No 83 of 1967 in King William's Town, South Africa. He would later die of the injuries sustained during this arrest bringing attention to South Africa's apartheid policies.

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On this day in 1686, astronomer Cassini reports seeing a satellite orbiting Venus. Last year, nearly half a millennium later, the Cassini deep space probe discovered two new moons around Saturn. That's almost too fucking cool.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 17

On this day in 1862, the Dakota War of 1862 begins in Minnesota as Lakota warriors attack white settlements along the Minnesota River.

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On this day in 1908, the first animated cartoon, Fantasmagorie, created by Émile Cohl, is shown in Paris, France.

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On this day in 1915, a man by the name of Leo Frank is lynched for the alleged murder of a 13-year-old girl in Marietta, Georgia, United States. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1947, the Radcliffe Line, the border between Dominion of India and Dominion of Pakistan is revealed.

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On this day in 1950, American POWs are massacred by the North Korean Army in an event christened the Hill 303 Massacre.

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On this day in 1953, Narcotics Anonymous meets for the first time in Southern California.

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On this day in 1959, Kind of Blue by Miles Davis, the much acclaimed and highly influential best selling jazz recording of all time, is released.

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On this day in 1962, East German border guards kill 18-year-old Peter Fechter as he attempts to cross the Berlin Wall into West Berlin becoming one of the first victims of the wall. Meanwhile, in England, the Beatles replace drummer Pete Best with Ringo Starr.

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On this day in 1970, Venera 7 is launched. It will later become the first spacecraft to successfully transmit data from the surface of another planet (Venus).

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On this day in 1980, Azaria Chamberlain disappears, probably taken by a dingo, leading to what was then the most publicized trial in Australian history. "A dingo ate my baby!"

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On this day in 1988, President of Pakistan Muhammad Zia-ul-Haq and U.S. Ambassador Arnold Raphel are killed in a plane crash. Why any politicians ever ride in small planes is a mystery to me.

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On this day in 1998, US President Bill Clinton admits in taped testimony that he had an "improper physical relationship" with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. On the same day he admits before the nation that he "misled people" about the relationship.