PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 31

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PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 30

On this day in 1431, in Rouen, France, shortly after being captured by Burgundian troops in the English-occupied French region then known as Compiègne, the virgin-warrior "Maid of Orleans", Joan of Arc, is burned at the stake as a heretic. She was only 19 years old, but in the two years that she'd led a devoted army of rugged warriors to numerous impressive victories in the name of the Charles Dauphin (whom she lived to see crowned King of France), she had managed to transform the Hundred Years War into a religious war, terrifying superstitious English soldiers and inspiring French warriors to the point of fanaticism... which made her brutal execution all the more devastating to her many devoted admirers. Twenty-five years after her execution, an Inquisitorial court authorized by Pope Callixtus III examined the trial, pronounced her innocent and declared her a martyr. Joan was beatified in 1909, and canonized in 1920... Saint Joan, Patron Saint of France. Some modern historians think Joan fell prey to a plot by the very King Charles she'd helped to crown, because he wanted to make a deal with the Burgundians while she favored destroying them, militarily. It's impossible to know for sure at this point, but it does make for one hell of a story, that's for sure.

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On this day in 1778, renowned French philosopher and author François-Marie Arouet - better known as Voltaire - passes away at the tender age of 84. He is still widely read today, and his works still have the power to amuse, inspire, and offend, in equal measure. I recommend Candide, in which he rails hilariously against the naive philosophical optimism of Jean Jacques Rousseau and Leibniz.

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On this day in 1972, in Tel Aviv, Israel, members of the Japanese Red Army carry out the Lod Airport Massacre, killing 24 people and injuring 78 others, leaving everybody scratching their heads, wondering what in the high holy FUCK kind of gripe those Japanese goofs could possibly have against the Jews, anyway?!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 29

"No, Einstein, why don't YOU do the math?"

POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS ALERT! On this day in 1733, the right of Canadians to keep slaves is upheld in a Quebec City legislative assembly. 100 years later, in 1833, slavery would be abolished throughout Canada. In fact, it is a well kept secret that the only Canadian population to ever enthusiastically practice slavery... were the natives! The Haida were particularly vicious enslavers and slave-traders, venturing as far south as California on kidnapping raids. As for the European side of things, historian Marcel Trudel has documented precisely 4,092 recorded slaves throughout Canadian history, of which 2,692 were native peoples owned by the French, and 1,400 blacks owned by the British, together owned by approximately 1,400 masters. There can be no accurate accounting of native enslavement of other natives, but it surely totals in the millions, over a much longer time span.

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Happy Birthday to para-political heavy-weight philosopher Oswald Spengler, who was born in Germany on this day in 1880! Spengler's hugely influential book, The Decline of the West, put forth his fascinating Civilizations Model, which posits that every epoch goes through a cycle of seasons, from Spring to Winter, after which comes an ultimate and unavoidable collapse. Cheerful stuff.

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On this day in 1913, the Paris premiere performance of composer Igor Stravinsky and choreographer Vaslav Nijinski's ballet The Rite of Spring: Pictures from Pagan Russia provokes a riot when detractors and supporters of the gloriously asynchronous, poly-rhythmic music and primal, violent dancing begin fighting each other in the aisles. Despite the ruckus, which spilled out into the street, the 33-minute ballet was performed in its entirety. Stravinsky's score remains one of the most important and impressive pieces of Modernist music ever composed - an "it's all there" key to understanding where serious composition was headed in the 20th century - and, as a well-rounded human being, you really do owe it to yourself to take the time and give this horizon-expanding, mind-blowing, eardrum-pounding creation an uninterrupted listen with your complete and undivided attention. "Farewell la Belle Epoch, welcome the New Age."

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In another defining moment of the Modern Age, it was on this day in 1919 that scientists Arthur Eddington and Andrew Crommelin conducted the first-ever real-world test of Albert Einstein's theory of General Relativity. They set up camp on the island of Príncipe, near Africa, and prepared to watch a solar eclipse. According to general relativity, stars with light rays that passed near the Sun would appear to shift due to their light curving through the Sun's gravitational field - an effect only noticeable during eclipses, since otherwise the Sun's brightness would obscure the affected stars. They discovered that Newtonian physics could only account for half the shift that they recorded - a shift that was accurately predicted by Einstein's theory. All of a sudden, the Universe seemed like a whole lot stranger place, indeed... especially to those elite few with minds capable of grasping the physics of it all.

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On this day in 1954, at the Hotel de Bilderberg near Arnhem in the Netherlands, the first ever Bilderberg Conference is held. The whole ball of wax got rolling when several people, including Polish politicians Józef Retinger and Andrew Nielsen, became concerned about the growth of anti-Americanism in Western Europe. They proposed an international conference at which leaders from European countries and the United States could come together and promote a better understanding between the cultures of the United States and Western Europe and foster cooperation on political, economic, and defense issues. That's the official line. For a more accurate take on the goals, activities and origins of every conspiracy theorist's favorite honest-to-gosh actual global conspiracy, check out SourceWatch's excellent Bilderberg dossier. You'll be glad you did. Or not...

A Picasso of Stravinsky - it doesn't get much more Modern than that!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 28

On this day in 585 BC, while Alyattes is fighting Cyaxares at the Battle of Halys, a solar eclipse occurs, just as predicted by Greek philosopher Thales. This is one of the so-called "cardinal dates" from which the dates of other occurrences in Ancient history can be accurately calculated.

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On this day in 1503, a Treaty of Everlasting Peace between Scotland and England is signed to commemorate the wedding of James IV of Scotland and Margaret Tudor. This peace lasts all of ten long years.

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On this day in 1936, philosopher Alan Turing submits his thesis, On Computable Numbers, for publication. It's a pretty mind-blowing piece of work, not meant for the layman.

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On this day in 1964, the Palestine Liberation Organization, more popularly known as the PLO, is formed in Palestine/Israel. It is recognized as the "sole legitimate representative of the Palestinian people" by the United Nations and over 100 states with which it holds diplomatic relations, and has enjoyed observer status at the UN since 1974. The PLO was considered a terrorist organization by the United States and Israel until the Madrid Conference in 1991, when they recognized Israel's right to exist in peace in 1993 and rejected violence and terrorism. In response, Israel officially recognized them as a legitimate representative of the Palestinian people.

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On this day in 1998, beloved actor, comedian and artist Phil Hartman is killed in his sleep by his wife Brynn Omdahl, who then turns the gun on herself. Their two children were alone in the house with them at the time. Anti-depressant medication was implicated.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 27

Are you fucking shitting me?!

On this day in 1919, the Curtiss NC-4 "flying boat" aircraft arrives in Lisbon, Portugal, completing the first-ever transatlantic flight. It took 19 days, including time for numerous repairs and for crewmen's rest, with stops along the way in Nova Scotia, Newfoundland, and the Azores Islands. This accomplishment was unfortunately eclipsed in minds of the public by the first nonstop transatlantic flight, made by British Royal Air Force pilots John Alcock and Arthur Whitten Brown, two weeks later.

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On this day in 1930, the Chrysler Building opens its doors in New York City. At the time, it was the tallest man-made structure on Earth, and it remains one of the most symbolically potent. So, hey, why not build your own?

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On this day in 1941, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt proclaims an unlimited national emergency in response to Nazi Germany's threats of total global domination.

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On this day in 1962, an out-of-control garbage dump incineration sets an abandoned coal mine ablaze beneath the town of Centralia, Pennsylvania. That fire still burns, to this very day.

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On this day in 1997, the U.S. Supreme Court rules that Paula Jones can pursue her sexual harassment lawsuit against President  Bill Clinton while he is still in office. Considering the implications, it is their second worse decision of the past 30 years, surpassed only by their decision in Bush v. Gore, 2000.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 26

On this day in 1647, in Hartford, Connecticut, Alse Young becomes the first person to be executed as a witch in the British American colonies. She had a daughter, Alice Young Beamon, who would, herself, be accused of witchcraft in nearby Springfield, Massachusetts, 30 years later. Fortunately, she would not suffer her mother's fate. As was often the case, Alse Young was a woman without a son when the accusation of witchcraft was lodged, which implied that she would be eligible to inherit her husband's estate upon his death. Young's execution took place a full half-century before the far more infamous "witchcraft panic" at Salem, Massachusetts.

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On this day in 1805, everybody's favorite world-beater Napoléon Bonaparte assumes the title of "King of Italy" and is crowned with the Iron Crown of Lombardy in Milan's gothic Duomo di Milano cathedral. The crown (see above) is said to have been forged from a nail taken from the True Cross. Personally, I think it's god-awful looking.

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On this day in 1908, At Masjed Soleyman in southwest Persia (in modern-day Iran), the first major commercial oil strike in the Middle East is made. The rights to the resource are quickly swept up by the Anglo-Persian Oil Company, which, in 1935, would be re-named the Anglo-Iranian Oil Company, which, in 1954, would be re-named British Petroleum. This nomenclatural erasure of one side of the "partnership" could well serve as a telling short-hand for the long, sad story of the West's petro-political dealings with Iran. Oil and its commercial exploitation are, without a doubt, key linchpins to developing a holistic understanding of the parapolitical 20th century (and beyond).

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On this day in 1930, America's Supreme Court rules that purchasing booze does not violate the Constitution. Kindly insert your own anti-marijuana-prohibition comment here.

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On this day in 1938, the House Un-American Activities Committee or HUAAC begins its first session, to investigate alleged disloyalty and subversive activities on the part of private citizens, public employees, and those organizations suspected of having communist or fascist ties. Soon, they were grilling members of the Federal Theater Project over the political ties and activities of the various writers, directors, actors, dancers and artisans who helped put together those shows. The hearings went on for months. Meanwhile, the committee decided against opening investigations into the Ku Klux Klan, because, as committee member John E. Rankin (D-MS) remarked: "the KKK is an old American institution." How right he was.

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On this day in 1986, the European Community adopts the European flag (see below).

Exact measurements and element orientation... picky, picky!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 25

It was on this day in 240 BC that ancient astronomers first recorded the perihelion passage of the celestial body that would eventually come to be known as Halley's Comet. Clear records of its appearances had been made by Chinese, Babylonian, and medieval European chroniclers over time, but it wasn't until 1705 that Edmond Halley realized it was the same object making return trips to our Solar System once every 75 years or so. Halley's Comet's last fly-by took place in 1986, and it won't be back until 2061.

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On this day in 1521, rogue cleric Martin Luther is declared an outlaw by Holy Roman Emperor Charles V, who ends the Diet of Worms by declaring the Edict of Worms: "For this reason we forbid anyone from this time forward to dare, either by words or by deeds, to receive, defend, sustain, or favor the said Martin Luther. On the contrary, we want him to be apprehended and punished as a notorious heretic, as he deserves, to be brought personally before us, or to be securely guarded until those who have captured him inform us, where upon we will order the appropriate manner of proceeding against the said Luther. Those who will help in his capture will be rewarded generously for their good work." To protect him, Prince Frederick of Saxony had Martin Luther kidnapped and hidden away in Wartburg Castle. Jeez... warts, worms... this story is making me nauseous. Let's move on, shall we?

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On this day in 1895, playwright, poet, and novelist Oscar Wilde is convicted of "committing acts of gross indecency with other male persons" and sentenced to serve two years in prison. While at Reading Gaol, he writes De Profundis, essentially one of the best-written break-up letters of all time.

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On this day in 1926, Jewish anarchist Sholom Schwartzbard assassinates Symon Petliura, the head of the Paris-based government-in-exile of the Ukrainian People's Republic, ostensibly in retaliation for the latter's failure to prevent anti-Semitic pogroms in his former homeland during his two-year reign (1918-20).

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On this day in 1953, the United States military conducts their first - and final - nuclear artillery test, at the Nevada Test Site. Fired as part of Operation Upshot-Knothole and code named Shot GRABLE, a 280 mm shell with a gun-type fission warhead was fired 6.2 miles and detonated 525 feet above the ground with an estimated yield of 15 kilotons. The shell was 4.5 feet long and weighed 805 lbs. It was fired from a special, very large, artillery piece, nicknamed Atomic Annie. About 3,200 soldiers and civilians were present to witness the impressive fireworks display.

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On this day in 1961, President John F. Kennedy announces before a special joint session of the Congress his goal to initiate a project to put a "man on the Moon" before the end of the decade. Some people believe we made it, but a growing number beg to differ. Personally, whether we got to leave our footprints on the Moon or not, I think the whole thing was just a feel-good cover story for pouring billions into the development of Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles... but what do I know?

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On this day in 1986, a massive public event featuring a boatload of creepy participants taking part in an activity that is more than a little reminiscent of a massive occult ritual takes place. I refer, of course, to Hands Across America. I shudder to think what would have happened if the opposite ends of such a tremendous human circle had come together, Ouroboros-style. Perhaps...

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 24

On this day in 1943, Nazi "Angel of Death" Josef Mengele becomes chief medical officer of the Auschwitz concentration camp, where he performed atrocious medical experiments on inmates, especially children and twins. After the end of the war, despite being one of the most hunted human beings in history, he manages to evade arrest, moving from Europe to South America under assumed identities, and some allege he continued his experiments, going so far as to create a "town of twins" in Brazil.

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On this day in 1970, drilling of the Kola Superdeep Borehole begins in the Soviet Union. Workers soon put down their tools and run off, however, when a microphone dropped down the miles-long shaft reveals the screams of the damned being tormented in Hell... or did it?

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On this day in 1991, Israel conducts Operation Solomon, evacuating thousands of Black Ethiopian Jews to Israel... where they are promptly treated like shit and forced to submit to sterilizing birth control injections.

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On this day in 1994, four men convicted of bombing the World Trade Center in New York in 1993 are each sentenced to 240 years in prison, making the WTC's Twin Towers totally safe for one and all, forever after.

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On this day in 2001, the floor of the third floor of the Versailles wedding hall in Jerusalem, Israel, falls away, killing 23 and injuring over 200. It is the worst civil disaster in Israel's history.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 23

On this day in 1498, friar, preacher, reformer, prophet and heretic Girolamo Savonarola is burned at the stake in Florence, Italy, on the orders of Pope Alexander VI.

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On this day in 1618, four Catholics are thrown out a window in Bohemia, and even though they survive - it was a third floor window and they landed in a pile of horse-shit - it still kicks off the Thirty Years' War. This odd event is referred to as the Second Defenestration of Prague... which means there was a first. Which is weird.

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On this day in 1734, Austrian hypnotist and all-around weirdo Franz Anton Mesmer is born. One of his secrets? Inducing orgasm in female "patients".

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On this day in 1934, American bank robbers-cum-folk heroes Bonnie and Clyde are ambushed by police and killed in Black Lake, Louisiana.

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On this day in 1945, one day after being arrested by British forces, Heinrich Himmler, the closest thing to a High Priest of the Nazi Party and the leader-for-life of the elite S.S. "Schutzstaffel" storm-troopers - commits suicide before he can be questioned.

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On this day in 1958, communist dictator Mao Zedong launches China's Great Leap Forward, trying to use China's vast population to rapidly transform the country from an agrarian economy into a modern communist society through the process of rapid industrialization and collectivization. The experiment ended in catastrophe, with an estimated death toll ranging from 18 million to 45 million, although some scholars question these numbers. Regardless, the failure led to Mao being criticized in party conferences, which led him to initiate the Cultural Revolution in 1966, with a whole new slew of fresh terrors being inflicted upon that particularly masochistic population.

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On this day in 1961, the Ford Motor Company puts the finishing touches on a specially modified Lincoln Continental convertible sedan for use by the President of the USA. The jet-black Lincoln, with swing-back suicide doors, is dubbed the SS-100-X. Two and a half years later, John F. Kennedy is shot and killed in that very car, making it perhaps the single most widely-seen automobile in history.

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On this day in 1992, Italy's most prominent anti-mafia judge Giovanni Falcone, his wife and three body guards are killed by the Corleonesi clan with a half-ton bomb near Capaci, Sicily. His friend and colleague Paolo Borsellino will be assassinated less than 2 months later, making 1992 a turning point in the history of Italian Mafia prosecutions.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 22

On this day in 1176, a group of hired killers from Rashideddin Sinan's "Masyaf" branch of the Ismaili Hashshashin sect - also known as the Assassins - make their second attempt to murder Saladin, a world-historic figure who founded the Ayyubid dynasty, ruling Egypt, Syria and beyond. They come close, but fail.

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On this day in 1844, the Báb announces to the world the coming of "He whom God shall make manifest", thus founding the religion of Bábism, a new religious movement that represented a break with traditional Islam, and which was brutally suppressed in Persia. However, since he is considered the forerunner of Bahá'u'lláh, the founder of the Bahá'í Faith, and seeing as Baha'i still revere the teachings of the Báb, it wasn't a total waste of time.

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On this day in 1856, South Carolina Congressman Preston Brooks sneaks up on, then beats the high holy hell out of Massachusetts Senator Charles Sumner with a wooden cane because the latter insulted the former's state - as well as his uncle's "honor" - in an anti-slavery speech. It was the first act of physical violence to take place in the Congress, and is considered an important precursor to the Civil War.

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On this day in 1906, the Wright brothers are granted U.S. patent number 821,393 for their "Flying-Machine."

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On this day in 1954, Robert Zimmerman - that’s Bob Dylan to you, me, and Jesus - officially becomes a man when he’s Bar Mitzvahed! Mazeltov!

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On this day in 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson announces social reforms to bring an "end to poverty and racial injustice in America", calling it the Great Society. Today, the only thing that remains of these reforms is the neoconservative reaction to them.

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On this day in 1968, the Skipjack-class nuclear-powered submarine the USS Scorpion sinks with 99 men aboard 400 miles southwest of the Azores. The Navy still isn't sure what happened.

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On this day in 2002, the remains of Chandra Levy, an intern at the Federal Bureau of Prisons, are found in Rock Creek Park in Washington, D.C. She'd been banging Congressman Gary Condit (D-California) at the time of her disappearance in early 2001, and for a while he was a suspect... in the media, if not officially. Eventually, the September 11 terrorist attacks knocked Levy off the front page and police pinned the murder on illegal Salvadoran immigrant Ingmar Guandique. Case closed.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 21

Leopold, Darrow and Loeb

On this day in 1863, the Seventh Day Adventist Church - an offshoot of the Apocalyptic creed of Millerite Protestantism - is organized in Battle Creek, Michigan. Today, there are over seventeen million "Sevvies" around the world, and they are one of the most ethnically diverse branches of the Christian faith. Seventh Day Adventists celebrate the Sabbath day on Saturday, in the Old Testament style of the Jews, and they place a strong emphasis on healthy eating and living. Probably the most lasting impact that they've had on popular culture is the introduction of ready-to-eat breakfast cereals to the North American diet.

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On this day in 1871, French troops invade the Paris Commune and engage its residents in street fighting. By the close of "Bloody Week" some 20,000 anarchist and Marxist "communards" will have been killed and 38,000 arrested. Thus ended a historic, two-month experiment in self-rule by the people of Paris.

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On this day in 1924, two young, well-to-do homosexuals named Leopold and Loeb murder 14 year-old Bobby Franks. At the time, this murder was considered one of the vilest and most sensational crimes in U.S. history, because the killers did it just for kicks. Defending the young murderers in court, legendary lawyer Clarence Darrow claims that the boys would never have become killers if they hadn't read the works of German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, whose theory of the Ubermensch - a highly evolved idealization of humanity who exists above and beyond the mundane conceptions of "good" and "evil" - he claims twisted their minds.

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On this day in 1946, physicist Louis Slotin is blasted with a fatal dose of radiation in a "criticality incident" during an experiment with the aptly-named Demon Core - a 6.2 kilogram sub-critical mass of plutonium - at Los Alamos National Laboratory. It was the second time that such an incident resulted in the acute radiation poisoning and subsequent death of a scientist. After these incidents, the core was used in an atomic bomb test in 1946, and proved in practice to have a slightly increased yield over similar cores which had not been subjected to criticality excursions. Here's a dramatization of the Slotin incident from the movie Fat Man and Little Boy.

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On this day in 1969, Palestinian immigrant Sirhan Sirhan is sentenced to death for killing Robert Kennedy in a Los Angeles restaurant kitchen. The sentence is never carried out, as California got rid of the death penalty.

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On this day in 1979, the White Night Riots take place in San Francisco following the manslaughter conviction of Dan "Twinkie Defense" White for the assassinations of mayor George Moscone and openly gay city councilman Harvey Milk.

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On this day in 1981, the Italian government releases the membership list of Propaganda Due, also known as the P2 Lodge, a Masonic lodge operating under the jurisdiction of the Grand Orient of Italy from 1945 to 1976 (when its charter was withdrawn), and a pseudo-Masonic or "black" or "covert" lodge operating illegally (in contravention of Italian constitution banning secret lodges and membership of government officials in secret membership organizations) from 1976 to 1981. During the years that the lodge was headed by Licio Gelli, P2 was implicated in numerous Italian crimes and mysteries, including the collapse of the Vatican-affiliated Banco Ambrosiano, the murders of journalist Mino Pecorelli and banker Roberto Calvi, and corruption cases within the nationwide bribe scandal "Tangentopoli". P2 came to light through the investigations into the collapse of Michele Sindona's financial empire. It has also been connected to the CIA-connected European right-wing black-ops org known as Gladio.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 20

On this day in 325, the first Ecumenical Council of the Christian Church is held in the city of Nicea, located in modern day Turkey. Today, this Council is commonly referred to as the First Council of Nicea. Among the many decisions made during this meeting were the settlement of the issue of the nature of Jesus and his relationship to God, settling the date for Easter, and issuing a decree forbidding dudes from cutting off their own dicks. I shit you not.

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On this day in 1908, Congress ignores the constitutionally mandated tradition of keeping church and state separate by enacting legislation declaring that the motto "in God we trust" should be included on most legal tender.

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On this day in 1875, the Metre Convention is signed by 17 nations, leading to the establishment of the "International System of Units". Today, the only industrialized country that does not use the metric system as its official system of measurement is the USA, with the UK also lagging in the adoption of some elements.

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On this day in 1980, the people of the French Canadian province of Quebec head to the ballot box to vote on a proposal to begin the work of loosening the bonds of unity with the rest of Canada. The referendum measure receives a 60% NO vote.

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On this day in 1983, the journal Science first publishes researcher Luc Montagnier's theory that the HIV virus causes AIDS. Okay, sure, fine, but what is it, exactly, that caused the HIV virus? That isn't as settled a question as most people would like to think. And anyway, if it turns out that HIV wasn't man-made, that doesn't mean the AIDS epidemic wasn't.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 19

New England's Dark Day

On this day in 1536, Anne Boleyn, the second wife of Henry VIII, is beheaded for adultery, treason, and incest.

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On this day in the year 1780, in the middle of the afternoon, New England is plunged into almost total darkness. On the day in question, Connecticut State Council wanted to adjourn so members could go home and prepare for Judgement Day, but councilor Abraham Davenport said: "I am against an adjournment. The day of judgment is either approaching, or it is not. If it is not, there is no cause of an adjournment: if it is, I choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be brought!" To this day, nobody knows what happened... although I gotta figure it probably had something to do with witches.

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On this day in 1943, Nazi dictator Adolph Hitler declares the city of Berlin to be Judenrien, or completely empty of Jewish people. At first, the dictator is proud of his sinister achievement, but when he finds that he can't get a decent smoked meat sandwich to save his life anymore... he begins to secretly harbor regrets.

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On this day in 1953, the Pentagon sets off a nuclear explosion on a remote Nevada proving ground, but unexpectedly strong winds carry fall-out all the way to the town of Saint George, Utah. Today, when looking back at the ecological catastrophe, the plucky people of Saint George say: "No sweat!" It's not that they don't mind that their government's lax safety controls led to their town getting bathed in radiation. It's just that they were born without sweat glands, and literally can't produce sweat.

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On this day in 1962, a birthday salute to President John F. Kennedy takes place at Madison Square Garden in New York City. The highlight is Marilyn Monroe's rendition of Happy Birthday, making the whole presidential extramarital liaison thing just a little too obvious for some folks' liking.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 18

On this day in 1152, King Henry II of England marries Eleanor of Aquitaine, an incredibly fascinating world-historic person in her own right.

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On this day in 1804, Napoleon Bonaparte is proclaimed Emperor of the French by the French Senate, which kind of flies in the face of the ideals behind the entire Revolutionary Project, but whatever.

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On this day in 1896, a mass panic on Khodynka Field in Moscow during the festivities of the coronation of Russian Tsar Nicholas II on the day of his 28th birthday results in the deaths of... hold on, can this be right? 1,389 people?! Sheez, that must have been some serious-ass panicking!

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On this day in 1910, the Earth passes through the tail of Halley's Comet. Despite many contemporaneous prophecies to the contrary, life as we know it does not cease to exist right then and there.

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On this day in 1927, 45 second-to-sixth graders are killed and 58 more are wounded when a huge cache of explosives planted by anti-tax activist Andrew Kehoe explodes beneath a school in Bath, Michigan. It took Kehoe a year to plan his atrocity, and months to pack the school full of explosives which he then detonated remotely, herding his victims for maximum carnage, before blowing up his own shrapnel-packed car with himself inside it. He even issued a number of vague threats before doing the dirty deed, but nobody caught on.

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On this day in 1944, the Soviet Union exiles more than 200,000 Tartars from Crimea because they were collaborating with the Nazis. And to think… the only thing the USA did with their Nazi collaborators - Preznit Dubya's grand-daddy being chief among them - was give them a slap on the wrist and hand their descendants the keys to the White House. It's kind of funny, in an utterly fucking disgusting kind of way.

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On this day in 1974, India becomes the sixth nation in world history to explode an atomic bomb... not counting Atlantis.

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On this day in 1980, Mount Saint Helens erupts, gushing forth billions of gallons of volcanic ash, killing between 57 and 65 people (depending who you ask) and blasting away a huge chunk of the mountainside. 

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On this day in 1995, a crystal-meth-addicted, half-psychotic, authority-hating Army vet named Shawn Nelson steals an M60 Patton Tank from a National Guard base in San Diego and goes on a rampage, destroying cars, fire hydrants and other property before being gunned down by police after getting stuck on a median.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR MAY 17

On this day in 1642, French explorer Paul Chomedey de Maisonneuve founds the city of Montréal. Today, Montreal is the second most populous city in Canada after Toronto, and the fifteenth largest in North America. It contains the largest metropolitan French-speaking population outside of France and remains a vibrant cultural hub.

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On this day in 1792, the New York Stock Exchange is formed when the "Buttonwood Agreement" is signed by 24 stockbrokers outside of 68 Wall Street in New York, under a buttonwood tree.

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On this day in 1804, the historic duo of Lewis & Clark begin exploring the land acquired from Napoleon by Thomas Jefferson, in a sweetheart deal known as the Louisiana Purchase.

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On this day in 1902, Greek archaeologist Valerios Stais discovers the Antikythera mechanism, a fascinating ancient mechanical analog computer designed to calculate the positions of the planets and certain stars. The construction has been dated to the early 1st century BCE, and - according to establishment-approved historical record - technological artifacts of similar complexity did not reappear until the 14th century, when similar astronomical clocks were built in Europe.

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On this day in 1933, Vidkun Quisling and Johan Bernhard Hjort form Nasjonal Samling, the Nazi party of Norway. Hence the origins of "quisling" as an insult-word denoting an enthusiastic collaboration with evil.

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On this day in 1974, police in Los Angeles, California, raid the headquarters of the self-styled left-wing urban militant "revolutionary vanguard" terrorist group, the Symbionese Liberation Army, killing six members, including leader (and most likely CIA mind-control test subject) Donald "Cinque" DeFreeze and Camilla Hall, who was shot in the head while trying to give herself up to police. The raid remains one of the most vicious firefights in LAPD history... and that's saying something.

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On this day in 1978, Charlie Chaplin's coffin is discovered ten miles from the Swiss cemetery where the infamous director had recently been buried. An officer at the scene drops dead of a heart-attack when, upon opening the coffin to verify that Chaplin's remains were still present, a giant boxing glove shoots out and pops him a good one right in the chops. I'm kidding of course. Moving right along...

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On this day in 2004, Massachusetts becomes the first U.S. state to legalize same-sex marriage. Chaos ensues.