PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 4

 

On this day in 1863, the New Apostolic Church, a Christian and chiliastic church, is established in Hamburg, Germany.

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On this day in 1884, the Fabian Society is founded in London, England, United Kingdom. Lots of conspiracy theories have arisen around this society, especially from right-wingers who fear their fierce, left-wing intellectualism. But, truth be told, not all of their ideas are so terrible... especially considering the alternatives.

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On this day in 1889, the Oklahoma Land Run opens 2 million acres of unused Oklahoma Territory to first serve first come settlers on April 22.

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On this day in 1903, Topsy, an elephant, is electrocuted by Thomas Edison during the War of Currents campaign. (I HATE this video, but here it is anyway -J)

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On this day in 1912, the Boy Scout Association is incorporated throughout the British Commonwealth by Royal charter.

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On this day in 1958, Sputnik 1 falls to Earth from orbit. One year later, on this day in 1959, Luna 1 becomes the first spacecraft to reach the vicinity of the Moon.

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On this day in 1965, US President Lyndon B. Johnson proclaims his "Great Society" during his State of the Union address.

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On this day in 1974, US President Richard Nixon refuses to hand over materials subpoenaed by the Senate Watergate Committee.

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On this day in 1980, President Jimmy Carter announces that the United States will not be participating at the Moscow Olympics. End result? The Soviets kick much ass and take home all the gold. Four years later, in 1984, the Soviets return the favor by snubbing the Los Angeles Olympics. End result? The United States kick much ass and take home all the gold. If your kids ever ask you what it felt like to live through the Cold War, just tell them this story, and they'll know what it felt like... it felt kind of like that Twilight Zone episode where giant children rule the world, while everyday people scramble in terror and do their best to stay out from under the petulantly-hurled subway cars and tenement blocks.

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The "euro" debuts as a trading currency on this day in 1999. The average European doesn't get to handle euros until three years later, however, when the actual bills and coins make their public debut, on this day in 2002. I don't know about you guys, but yer old pal Jerky really misses those Irish pound notes.

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On this day in 1999, former professional wrestler Jesse Ventura is sworn in as governor of Minnesota.

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On this day in 2006, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon of Israel suffers a second, apparently more serious stroke. His authority is transferred to acting Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. He lingered, living on in a kind of vegetative half-life, until 2014. Some people believed that, when he died, the Apocalyptic shit was going to hit the fan. It didn't.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 3

 

On this day in 1521, rabble-rousing religious reformer Martin Luther is excommunicated from the Catholic Church, thus sparking the rise of the Protestant Heresy and putting into motion an inexorable chain of spiritual, political and intellectual cataclysms that would lead to the election of George Dubya Bush and, ultimately, the Apocalypse.

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On this day in 1870, construction of the Brooklyn Bridge begins.

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Despite the fact that the passageway leading to it was clearly labeled "Death Shall Come on Swift Wings To Him Who Disturbs the Peace of the King," on this day in 1924, British Egyptologist Howard Carter was the first modern man to lay eyes upon - then open - the sarcophagus of young King Tutankhamun. By 1929, eleven people connected with the discovery of the Tomb had died young, and of unnatural causes. [Cue Twilight Zone music here! - Jerky]

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Happy Fascism Day! It was on this day in 1925 that Benito Mussolini announced he was taking dictatorial powers over Italy.

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On this day in 1932, martial law is declared in Honduras to stop a revolt by banana workers fired by the United Fruit Company.

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On this day in 1938, the March of Dimes is established by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

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On this day in 1959, the great state of Alaska is welcomed into the union. After sulking for a few years, those testy Texans eventually recover from the humiliation of no longer being citizens of the biggest state on the block, salving their bruised egos with that old stand-by "size don't matter none." Which, of course, is a lie.

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On this day in 1961, the United States severs diplomatic relations with Cuba. One year later, on this day in 1962, Pope John XXIII excommunicates Fidel Castro.

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On this day in 1977, Apple Computer is incorporated. Now everybody's taking a bite.

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On this day in 1990, former leader of Panama Manuel Noriega surrenders to American forces.

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On this day in 1994, more than seven million people from the former Apartheid Homelands receive South African citizenship. And they all lived happily ever after.

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On this day in 2000, the last original weekday Peanuts comic strip is published roughly two and a half decades after the last original weekday Peanuts comic strip SHOULD have been published. Aw, don't mind me. I'm just grumpy that MY comic strips didn't reach the empyrean heights of Charlie Brown and the gang.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 2

 

On this day in 366, the Alemanni (an early Germanic tribe) cross the frozen Rhine River in large numbers, invading the Roman Empire.

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On this day in 533, Mercurius becomes Pope John II, the first pope to adopt a new name upon elevation to the papacy.

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On this day in 1492, the Christian "reconquista" succeeds in conquering Granada, the final Moorish stronghold in Spain. This brings to an end nearly eight hundred years of Muslim presence - and four hundred years of Muslim dominance - in the region. And some people say the Spaniards are soft on terror!

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On this day in 1860, the discovery of the planet Vulcan is announced at a meeting of the French Academy of Sciences in Paris, France. Vulcan's existence (between the Sun and Mercury) has since been mostly disproven. Mostly. Some still believe it exists, however.

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On this day in 1920, in excess of six thousand people are arrested in the mostly-forgotten Palmer Raids. They joined nearly fifteen thousand more who had been previously rounded up in one of the most shameful episodes in all of American jurisprudence. Social activists, union members and progressives were arrested without warrant despite committing no crime, denied access to their families and legal counsel, detained without trail for prolonged periods, and even deported to the Soviet Union. The Bush II Era's Ashcroft Raids share a startling number of similarities with this seminal example of 20th century police-state excess. It was a lucky thing for the then-Witchfinder General that his targets are easier to pick out of a crowd than the commies ever were, brown shoes or no.

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On this day in 1955, Panamanian president José Antonio Remón Cantera is assassinated. His assailants were never apprehended, but American authorities seem to think American gangster non pareil - and Operation Underworld figurehead - Lucky Luciano may have been behind it!

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On this day in 1967, Hollywood actor and cigarette pitchman Ronald Reagan is sworn in as Governor of California.

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On this day in 1974, US President Richard Nixon signs a bill lowering the maximum U.S. speed limit to 55 MPH in order to conserve gasoline during an OPEC embargo.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 1

New Year's Day is celebrated for the first time in history as the Julian calendar takes effect on this day in 45 BC. Yer old pal Jerky is still trying to figure out how they knew to start counting backwards until Jesus was born.

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On this day in 404, an infuriated Roman mob tears Telemachus, a Christian monk, to pieces for trying to stop a gladiators' fight in the public arena held in Rome.

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On this day in 1801, the dwarf planet Ceres is discovered by Giuseppe Piazzi.

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On this day in 1804, after the first and to date only successful slave revolution, French rule ends in Haiti, which becomes the first black republic and second independent country in North America after the United States.

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On this day in 1808, the importation of slaves into the United States is made illegal, thus forcing slave-holding families to start "growing their own" by breeding new slaves from existing stock. A peculiar institution, indeed.

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On this day in 1934, Nazi Germany passes the "Law for the Prevention of Genetically Diseased Offspring", thus paving the way for the establishment of death camps.

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On this day in 1945, in one of the worst American war crimes of World War II, enraged U.S. troops massacre 30 Nazi SS prisoners at Chenogne in retaliation for the Malmedy massacre.

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On this day in 1947, the Canadian Citizenship Act 1946 comes into effect, converting British subjects into Canadian citizens. Prime Minister William Lyon Mackenzie King becomes the first Canadian citizen.

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On this day in 1959, Fulgencio Batista, dictator of Cuba, is overthrown by Fidel Castro's forces during the Cuban Revolution.

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On this day in 1971, cigarette advertisements are banned on American television.

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On this day in 1983, ARPANET officially changes to using the Internet Protocol, creating the Internet. Two years later, on this day in 1985, the Internet's Domain Name System (DNS) is created.

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On this day in 1989, the Montreal Protocol on Substances That Deplete the Ozone Layer comes into force. The effect these protocols have on ozone depletion is, you might be pleasantly surprised to find out, immensely beneficial.

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On this day in 1994, NAFTA - the North American Free Trade Agreement - goes into effect.

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On this day in 1995, the Draupner Wave in the North Sea in Norway is detected, confirming the existence of freak waves.

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On this day in the year 2000, an awful lot of people feel pretty fuckin' silly while contemplating all those bags or rice, cans of sliced peaches and ten gallon bottles of water they bought to prepare for the global meltdown that was supposed to befall us at the stroke of midnight on Y2K.