PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 31

 

On this day in 1696, the creepiest protest ever takes place when Amsterdam's undertakers take to the streets to demonstrate against proposed funeral reforms.

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On this day in 1928, 3-M Company begins marketing Scotch Tape. Yer old pal Jerky's still waiting for Sour Mash Bourbon Tape. 

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On this day in 1945, draftee Eddie Slovik becomes the first American to be executed for desertion since the Civil War. Nowadays, desertion gets you... ummm... well... into the White House, apparently

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Also on this day, in 1964, a government report publicly confirms the rumors that had been swirling around the water coolers for years... that smoking cigarettes(i.e. taking a paper tube full of crushed tobacco plant leaves, lighting said tube on fire and inhaling the resultant aromatic smoke deeply into your lungs as a means of delivering minute payloads of deadly nicotine poison into your bloodstream) might not be quite so beneficial to one's health as we were originally led to believe.

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Ding dong, it's the Viet Cong! Ho Chi Mihn's revolutionary army launches the Tet Offensive on this day in 1968. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1990, McDonald's opens their first restaurant in post-Soviet Russia. Mindful of the local palette, this franchise features such unique fare as McStroganoff, McBorscht and Chicken McKiev.

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On this day in 1969, hippy-freak rock-and-roll band The Beatles perform their final live concert together. And who can forget the stirring image of John, Paul,George and Ringo playing that historic 42-minute set to a rapt audience from the roof of their Apple Records headquarters? Certainly not Ewe Too, those fuckin' copycats!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 30

 

The first ever jazz record – Dark Town Strutter's Ball – is recorded on this day in 1917. Reefer madness and wanton miscegenation ensue.

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This day in 1922 was the first ever World Law Day. Hooray for laws! 

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German President von Hindenburg appoints Adolf Hitler chancellor on this day in 1933. The mustachio'd madman quickly sets about expending political capital in the service of his mandate.

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On this day in 1935, "genius" poet Ezra Pound meets with Italian Fascist dictator Benito "Benji" Mussolini. During their meeting, Pound reads a selection from his epic, convoluted poem-cycle, Cantos. For those of you who haven't read Pound, but have read The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, know this: the Vorlons had nothing on this guy.

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You thought the Titanic was a disaster? On this day in 1945, the German cruise liner Wilhelm Gustloff is torpedoed by a Soviet sub. It was headed westward at the time, in order to escape the surging Soviet advance, and was thus jam-packed with over ten thousand people - men, women and children - non-combatant refugees of war. An incredible nine thousand three hundred and forty three people died in the freezing Baltic that night, making this the single worst catastrophe at sea in the history of maritime travel. And, if you're anything like the twenty-odd random people I've asked today, this is probably the first time you've ever heard about it. Pretty freaky, huh?

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On this day in 1948, Indian spiritual and political leader Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi is assassinated by a Hindu fanatic who objects to the Mahatma's tolerance of Muslims. Thank you, Vishnu! And, finally, also on this day - only in the year 1956 this time - some pillars of the community drive out to Ghandi-fan Martin Luther King Jr's home... and fire-bomb it. Thank you, J. Edgar Hoover!

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On this day in 1972, a sunny Sunday in Londonderry, Northern Ireland, thirteen unarmed Catholic civil rights demonstrators are massacred by British Army paratroopers in an event that becomes known as Bloody Sunday, or Sunday, Bloody Sunday to fans of peat-eating bog-rockers Ewe Too. Since 1969, sectarian conflicts in Northern Ireland have claimed more than 3,000 lives. Thank you, Jeebus!

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On this day in 1976, soon-to-be-vice-president George Herbert Walker"Poppy" Bush is appointed by then-president Gerald Ford to head up the CIA. Despite evidence that he had been a CIA agent since before the Bay of Pigs fiasco, Bush has claimed he never worked for the agency prior to this appointment. Yeah... Right.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 29

 

On this day in 904, Sergius III comes out of retirement to take over the papacy from the deposed antipope Christopher.

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On this day in 1845, "The Raven" is published in the New York Evening Mirror, the first publication with the name of the author, Edgar Allan Poe.

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On this day in 1886, the first ever gasoline-driven car is patented by Karl Benz, in Germany. Fly rides ensue.

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On this day in 1891, Liliuokalani is proclaimed Queen of Hawaii, its last monarch.

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On this day in 1959, Cuba's highly corrupt and unpopular Batista regime crumbles. Dictator Fulgencio Batista flees the country, and revolutionary leader Fidel Castro steps up, immediately earning the undying enmity of his neighbors to the direct northwest. Through decades of naval blockades, trade embargoes, CIA assassination attempts and other assorted fuckery, Castro endured, outlasting nine Presidents and communism's worldwide collapse, ending up as one of the superstars whose deaths made 2016 one of the darkest in living memory. Hard not to respect the guy, considering all that!

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On this day in 1967, the proclaimed "ultimate high" of the hippie era, the Mantra-Rock Dance, takes place in San Francisco and features Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead, and Allen Ginsberg.

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On this day in 1976, the world-famous Zeiss Planetarium in the Netherlands is burned to the ground after a Laser Floyd show gets out of hand.

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 On this day in 1987, CIA director William J. Casey steps down after six years spent managing Black Ops, Wet Ops and Psy Ops for the Bush/Reagan regime. Lucky break for Bush the Elder that Casey should die just two days before he was scheduled to testify in the Iran/Contra hearings.

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On this day in 1996, President Jacques Chirac announces a "definitive end" to French nuclear weapons testing.

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On this day in the year 1998, pro-life terrorists score one for Jesus in Birmingham, Alabama, when they bomb an abortion clinic, killing a police officer and severely mutilating and blinding a receptionist.

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On this day in 2002, In his State of the Union address, President George W. Bush describes "regimes that sponsor terror" as an Axis of evil, in which he includes Iraq, Iran and North Korea.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 28

 

On this day in 1099, the first wave of Christian Crusaders begin their siege of Hosn-el-Akrad, in Syria. It's rough going in the early days, but everything works out fine in the end.

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On this day in 1495, after asking himself "WWJD?", the Pope hands over his son -- Cesare Borgia -- to the French, as a hostage. That was back in the day when Popes were allowed to fuck. Faith Based Family Values in action!

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On this day in 1547, Edward VI becomes King of England at a mere 9 years of age. Refusing to be outdone by a bunch of turnip-munchers, the Swedish promptly drown their own King in a septic pit. Adhering to the strictures of primogenital succession, that meant the crown passed on to the dead King's eldest son, who was still weeks away from being born at the time. Unfortunately, tragedy strikes during the coronation ceremony, when the Queen dies of massive internal bleeding.

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 On this day in 1915, President Woodrow Wilson refuses to prohibit the immigration of illiterates. The ongoing consequences of Woody's short-sightedness were brought into sharp relief during the presidential election of 2004.

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On this day in 1953, a chimp by the name of J Fred Muggs joins the on-air staff of NBC's Today Show. That was back in the days when journalistic standards actually meant something. Nowadays, they pretty much let any idiot appear on the telly. See Bill O'Reilly, Joe Scarborough and Sean Hannity for proof of that.

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On this day in 1981, President Ronald Reagan appoints William J. Casey as the 13th director of the CIA. He serves with distinction until 1987, when he dies of a brain tumor two days before his scheduled testimony before the Senate in regards to the Iran/Contraaffair. Unlucky 13 strikes again!

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 On this day in 1986, at 11:38 a.m., the space shuttle Challenger launches from Cape Canaveral, Florida, rising towards the frozen void on a column of solid flame. Hitching a ride on board is high school teacher Christa McAuliffe, the first civilian to ever go into outer space. Seventy-three seconds after ignition, an O-ring fails to expand sufficiently, precipitating a chain reaction that leads to the total destruction of the multibillion-dollar vehicle and its crew of seven. Video footage of the "major malfunction" served as the most impressive widescreen, real-life special-effects tragedy since the Kennedy assassination twenty-three years earlier. Such video gravitas was not felt again until 9-11-2001, which swallowed the memory of Columbia whole, in its awesome and growing shadow.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 27

 

On this day in 98, Trajan succeeded his adoptive father Nerva as Roman emperor; under his rule the Roman Empire would reach its maximum extent.

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On this day in 1593, the Vatican opens the seven-year trial of scholar Giordano Bruno.

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On this day in 1606, the trial of Guy Fawkes and other conspirators begins, ending with their execution on January 31.

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On this day in 1825, the U.S. Congress approves Indian Territory (in what is present-day Oklahoma), clearing the way for forced relocation of the Eastern Indians on the "Trail of Tears".

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On this day in 1945, the Red Army liberates the remained inmates of the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp built by the Nazi Germans on the territory of Poland.

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On this day in 1967, on the same day that the UK, USA and USSR sign the Outer Space Treaty in Washington DC banning deployment of nuclear weapons in space, astronauts Gus Grissom, Edward White and Roger Chaffee are killed in a fire during a test of their Apollo 1 spacecraft at the Kennedy Space Center, Florida.

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On this day in 1973, the Paris Peace Accords officially end the Vietnam War. Colonel William Nolde is killed in action becoming the conflict's last recorded American combat casualty.

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On this day in 1980, through cooperation between the U.S. and Canadian governments, six American diplomats secretly escape hostilities in Iran in the culmination of the Canadian Caper. This event is the basis of the film Argo.

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On this day in 1984, pop singer Michael Jackson suffers second degree burns to his scalp during the filming of a Pepsi commercial in the Shrine Auditorium.

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On this day in 1993, American-born sumo wrestler Akebono Tarō becomes the first foreigner to be promoted to the sport's highest rank of yokozuna.

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On this day in 1996, Germany first observes International Holocaust Remembrance Day.

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On this day in 2002, an explosion at a military storage facility in Lagos, Nigeria, kills at least 1,100 people and displaces over 20,000 others.

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On this day in 2013, 242 people die in a nightclub fire in the city of Santa Maria, Brazil.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 26

 

On this day in 1531, Lisbon, Portugal is hit by an earthquake. Thousands die.

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On this day in 1841, the United Kingdom formally occupies Hong Kong, which China later formally cedes.

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On this day in 1934, the Apollo Theater reopens in Harlem, New York City.

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On this day in 1961, John F. Kennedy appoints Janet G. Travell to be his physician. This is the first time a woman holds the appointment of Physician to the President.

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On this day in 1980, Israel and Egypt establish diplomatic relations.

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On this day in 1992, Boris Yeltsin announces that Russia will stop targeting United States cities with nuclear weapons.

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On this day in 1998, U.S. President Bill Clinton goes on TV and denies having had "sexual relations" with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

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On this day in 2004, President Hamid Karzai signs the new constitution of Afghanistan.

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On this day in 2004, a whale explodes in the town of Tainan, Taiwan. A build-up of gas in the decomposing sperm whale is suspected of causing the explosion.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 25

 

On this day in 1881, Thomas Edison and Alexander Graham Bell form the Oriental Telephone Company.

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On this day in 1890, Nellie Bly completes her round-the-world journey in 72 days.

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On this day in 1919 the League of Nations is founded.

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On this day in 1924, the 1924 Winter Olympics opens in Chamonix, in the French Alps, inaugurating the first ever Winter Olympic Games.

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On this day in 1947, Thomas Goldsmith Jr. files a patent for a "Cathode Ray Tube Amusement Device", the first ever electronic game.

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On this day in 1971, Charles Manson and three female "Family" members are found guilty of the 1969 Tate-LaBianca murders.

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On this day in 1971, Idi Amin leads a coup deposing Milton Obote and becomes Uganda's president.

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On this day in 1981, Jiang Qing, the widow of Mao Zedong, is sentenced to death.

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On this day in 1993, five people are shot outside the CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia. Two are killed and three wounded.

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On this day in 1995, Russia almost launches a nuclear attack after it mistakes Black Brant XII, a Norwegian research rocket, for a US Trident missile.

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On this day in 1996, Billy Bailey becomes the last person to be hanged in the USA.

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On this day in 1998, during a historic visit to Cuba, Pope John Paul II demands political reforms and the release of political prisoners while condemning US attempts to isolate the country. Meanwhile, in the States, everybody loses their goddamn minds over a blowjob.

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On this day in 2005, a stampede at the Mandhradevi temple in Maharashtra, India kills at least 258.

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On this day in 2011, the first wave of the Egyptian revolution begins in Egypt, with a series of street demonstrations, marches, rallies, acts of civil disobedience, riots, labour strikes, and violent clashes in Cairo, Alexandria, and throughout other cities in Egypt.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 24

 

On this day in 41 AD, Roman Emperor Caligula, known for his eccentricity and sadistic despotism, is assassinated by his disgruntled Praetorian Guards. The Guard then proclaims Caligula's uncle Claudius as Emperor

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On this day in 661, Caliph Ali, son-in-law of Muhammad, is assassinated and his followers (Shiites) break from the majority Muslim group.

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On this day in 1908, the first Boy Scout troop is organized in England by Robert Baden-Powell.

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On this day in 1916, in Brushaber v. Union Pacific Railroad, the Supreme Court of the United States declares the federal income tax constitutional.

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On this day in 1939, the deadliest earthquake in Chilean history strikes Chillán, killing approximately 28,000 people.

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On this day in 1961, a bomber carrying two H-bombs breaks up in mid-air over North Carolina. The uranium core of one weapon remains lost.

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On this day in 1972, Japanese Sgt. Shoichi Yokoi is found hiding in a Guam jungle, where he had been since the end of World War II.

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On this day in 1978, the Soviet satellite Cosmos 954, with a nuclear reactor on board, burns up in Earth's atmosphere, scattering radioactive debris over Canada's Northwest Territories. Only 1% is recovered.

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On this day in 1990, Japan launches Hiten, the country's first lunar probe, the first robotic lunar probe since the Soviet Union's Luna 24 in 1976, and the first lunar probe launched by a country other than Soviet Union or the United States.

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On this day in 2003, the United States Department of Homeland Security officially begins operation.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 23

 

On this day in 971, in China, the war elephant corps of the Southern Han are soundly defeated at Shao by crossbow fire from Song Dynasty troops.

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On this day in 1368, in a coronation ceremony, Zhu Yuanzhang ascends the throne of China as the Hongwu Emperor, initiating Ming Dynasty rule over China that would last for three centuries.

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On this day in 1546, having published nothing for eleven years, François Rabelais publishes the Tiers Livre, his sequel to Gargantua and Pantagruel.

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On this day in 1556, the deadliest earthquake in history, the Shaanxi earthquake, hits Shaanxi province, China. The death toll may have been as high as 830,000.

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On this day in 1570, James Stewart, 1st Earl of Moray, regent for the infant King James VI of Scotland, is assassinated by firearm, the first recorded instance of such.

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On this day in 1719, the Principality of Liechtenstein is created within the Holy Roman Empire.

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On this day in 1849, Elizabeth Blackwell is awarded her M.D. by the Geneva Medical College of Geneva, New York, becoming the United States' first female doctor.

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On this day in 1855, the first bridge over the Mississippi River opens in what is now Minneapolis, Minnesota, a crossing made today by the Hennepin Avenue Bridge.

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On this day in 1870, in Montana, U.S. cavalrymen kill 173 Native Americans, mostly women and children, in what becomes known as the Marias Massacre.

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On this day in 1897, Elva Zona Heaster is found dead in Greenbrier County, West Virginia. The resulting murder trial of her husband is perhaps the only case in United States history where the alleged testimony of a ghost helped secure a conviction.

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On this day in 1937, in Moscow, 17 leading Communists go on trial accused of participating in a plot led by Leon Trotsky to overthrow Joseph Stalin's regime and assassinate its leaders.

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On this day in 1941, Charles Lindbergh testifies before the U.S. Congress and recommends that the United States negotiate a neutrality pact with Adolf Hitler.

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On this day in 1943, Duke Ellington plays at Carnegie Hall in New York City for the first time.

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On this day in 1957, American inventor Walter Frederick Morrison sells the rights to his flying disc to the Wham-O toy company, which later renames it the "Frisbee".

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On this day in 1968, North Korea seizes the USS Pueblo, claiming the ship had violated its territorial waters while spying.

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On this day in 1986, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inducts its first members: Little Richard, Chuck Berry, James Brown, Ray Charles, Fats Domino, the Everly Brothers, Buddy Holly, Jerry Lee Lewis and Elvis Presley.

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On this day in 1997, Madeleine Albright becomes the first woman to serve as United States Secretary of State.

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On this day in 2002, "American Taliban" John Walker Lindh returns to the United States in FBI custody.

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On this day in 2003, Earth receives its final communication from the Pioneer 10 probe.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 22

 

On this day in 1506, the first contingent of 150 Swiss Guards arrives at the Vatican.

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On this day in 1521, Emperor Charles V opens the Diet of Worms. Ew…

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On this day in 1555, the Ava Kingdom falls to the Taungoo Dynasty in what is now present-day Burma.

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On this day in 1824, the Ashantis defeat British forces in the Gold Coast.

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On this day in 1879, during Anglo-Zulu War, two major battles take place. First, the Battle of Isandlwana, in which Zulu troops decisively defeat British troops. In the Battle of Rorke's Drift, however, 139 British soldiers successfully defend their garrison against an onslaught by three to four thousand Zulu warriors.

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On this day in 1901, Edward VII is proclaimed King after the death of his mother, Queen Victoria, thus ushering in the Edwardian Age.

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On this day in 1915, over 600 people are killed in Guadalajara, Mexico, when a train plunges off the tracks into a deep canyon.

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On this day in 1924, Ramsay MacDonald becomes the first Labour Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

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On this day in 1946, the Central Intelligence Group – an offshoot of OSS and forerunner of the CIA – is inaugurated.

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On this day in 1957, the New York City "Mad Bomber", George P. Metesky, is arrested in Waterbury, Connecticut and is charged with planting more than 30 bombs.

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On this day in 1973, the Supreme Court of the United States delivers its decisions in Roe v. Wade and Doe v. Bolton, legalizing elective abortion in all fifty states. Until the orange menace...

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On this day in 1984, the Apple Macintosh, the first consumer computer to popularize the computer mouse and the graphical user interface, is introduced during Super Bowl XVIII with its famous "1984" television commercial.

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On this day in 1987, Pennsylvania politician R. Budd Dwyer shoots and kills himself during a televised press conference, leading to debates on boundaries in journalism.

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On this day in 1999, Australian missionary Graham Staines and his two sons are burned alive by radical Hindus while sleeping in their car in Eastern India.

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On this day in 2002, Kmart becomes the largest retailer in United States history to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.

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On this day in 2006, Evo Morales is inaugurated as President of Bolivia, becoming the country's first indigenous president.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 21

 

On this day in 1789, the first American novel, The Power of Sympathy or the Triumph of Nature Founded in Truth, is printed in Boston, Massachusetts.

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On this day in 1793, after being found guilty of treason by the French Convention, Louis XVI of France is executed by guillotine.

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On this day in 1908, New York City passes the Sullivan Ordinance, making it illegal for women to smoke in public, only to have the measure vetoed by the mayor.

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On this day in 1915, Kiwanis International is founded in Detroit, Michigan.

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On this day in 1948, the Flag of Quebec is adopted and flown for the first time over the National Assembly of Quebec. The day is marked annually as Quebec Flag Day.

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On this day in 1950, American lawyer and government official Alger Hiss is convicted of perjury.

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On this day in 1961, 435 workers are buried alive when a mine in Coalbrook, Free State collapses.

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On this day in 1968, the Battle of Khe Sanh - one of the most publicized and controversial battles of the war – begins.

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On this day in 1968, a B-52 bomber crashes near Thule Air Base, contaminating the area after its nuclear payload ruptures. One of the four bombs remains unaccounted for after the cleanup operation is complete.

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On this day in 1976, commercial service of Concorde begins with the London-Bahrain and Paris-Rio routes.

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On this day in 1977, President Jimmy Carter pardons nearly all American Vietnam War draft evaders, some of whom had emigrated to Canada.

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On this day in 1981, production of the iconic DeLorean DMC-12 sports car begins in Dunmurry, Northern Ireland.

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On this day in 1997, the U.S. House of Representatives votes 395–28 to reprimand Newt Gingrich for ethics violations, making him the first Speaker of the House to be so disciplined.

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On this day in 1999, one of the largest drug busts in American history takes place when the Coast Guard intercepts a ship with over nearly FIVE TONS of cocaine on board. Any connection with the DeLorean story above is purely coincidental.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 20

 On this day in 250, Roman Emperor Decius begins a widespread persecution of Christians. Pope Fabian is martyred.

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On this day in 1920, the American Civil Liberties Union is founded.

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On this day in 1921, one of the greatest "downsizings" in history happens when the nation of Turkey is cobbled together from the smashed fragments and still-smouldering embers of the Ottoman Empire.

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On this day in 1954, the National Negro Network is established with 40 charter member radio stations. Needless to say, they played ALL the best records.

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On this day in 1961, renowned poet Robert Frost recites his poem "The Gift Outright" at John F. Kennedy's inauguration. Afterwards, JFK takes Frost back to the Oval Office and fucks his brains out. Or not.

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On this day in 1971, former Beatle John Lennon meets Yoko Ono's parents in Japan. Badly garbled babbling ensues.

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On this day in 1977, having laid the groundwork for the evil to come, George Herbert "Poppy" Walker Bush ends his term as CIA director.

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On this day in 1981, during the very instant that Ronald Reagan is being sworn in as President of the United States, 52 American hostages are freed after being held hostage for 444 days in Iran. Does this incredible coincidence lend credence to the proposition that Reagan/Bush and their "Secret Team" CIA cronies brokered a deal with the hostage-takers, getting them to agree NOT to release the hostages before the election, therefore reducing Carter's chance of scoring an "October Surprise" release, increasing voter dissatisfaction with Carter and increasing the chances that they would vote for the foreign policy hardliner Republicans? You be the judge.

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On this day in 1989, Ronald Reagan becomes the first President elected in a "0" year since 1840 to leave office alive. For reals, yo.

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On this day in 1991, the media informs the American public that Patriot missiles have successfully begun shooting down Iraqi "Scud" missiles. Ten years later, investigations would expose the lie. During the entire Gulf War, the Patriot didn't bring down a single Scud.

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 19

 

On this day in 1915, Georges Claude patents the neon discharge tube for use in advertising.

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On this day in 1915, German zeppelins bomb the towns of Great Yarmouth and King's Lynn in the United Kingdom killing more than 20, in the first major aerial bombardment of a civilian target.

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On this day in 1953, 71.7% of all television sets in the United States are tuned into I Love Lucy to watch Lucy give birth.

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On this day in 1955, Scrabble - a game in which players accumulate points by spelling words with randomly distributed letter tiles - first hits department store shelves. When playing this game, yer old pal Jerky likes to challenge himself by only using words you're not allowed to say on television.

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On this day in the year 1971, the Beatles' Helter Skelter is played in the courtroom where the case against Charles Manson is being heard. During one of their bloody midnight massacres, Manson's brood had scrawled the words "helter sketer" (sic) on a mirror, in their victims' blood. You know, if the same thing happened today, the Tate and LaBianca families probably would have filed a class action lawsuit against John, Paul, George and Ringo, claiming they were partly responsible for the deaths of their loved ones, and should be made to pay accordingly. Anyway, after prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi plays the record, the jury are unanimous in their decision that it's got a good beat, and that they can dance to it. They give it a "9", Dick.

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On this day in 1981, United States and Iranian officials sign an agreement to release 52 American hostages after 14 months of captivity.

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On this day in 1983, Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie is arrested in Bolivia.

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On this day in 1983, the Apple Lisa, the first commercial personal computer from Apple Inc. to have a graphical user interface and a computer mouse, is announced.

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On this day in 1986, the first IBM PC computer virus is released into the wild. A boot sector virus dubbed (c)Brain, it was created by the Farooq Alvi Brothers in Lahore, Pakistan, reportedly to deter piracy of the software they had written.

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On this day in 2006, the New Horizons probe is launched by NASA on the first mission to Pluto, or Yuggoth, as it's known to those of us in the deep, dark know.

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On this day in 2012, Kim DotCom's Hong Kong-based file-sharing website Megaupload is shut down by the FBI. Quite the story, that...

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 18

 

America's first recorded UFO sighting happens on this day in 1644, when a bunch of Boston Pilgrims report seeing a strange glowing object in the night sky. Later that same night, they burn a few witches, just to be on the safe side.

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On this day in 1788, the First Fleet arrives at Botany Bay in Australia from England, carrying 736 convicts... the rough common soil from which all future generations of Ozzies would sprout.

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On this day in 1911, pilot Eugene B. Ely lands on the deck of the USS Pennsylvania stationed in San Francisco Bay, the first time an aircraft landed on a ship.

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The American military begins spraying Agent Orange on the Vietnamese jungle on this day in 1962, in a failed attempt to reveal the Viet Cong guerrillas who'd been using the dense foliage as cover. Flipper-babies ensue.

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On this day in 1967, Boston Strangler Albert DeSalvo is convicted of numerous crimes and is sentenced to life imprisonment.

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On this day in 1974 The Six Million Dollar Man premiered on ABC TV. One year later, All in the Family spin-off The Jeffersons makes its debut on CBS. Still another year after that, the two shows would combine creative teams to film a pilot for a whole new concept in action/comedy TV: The Six Million Dollar Black Man. It failed miserably... because racism.

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After being embraced by the gay community, the AIDS charity song That's What Friends Are For reaches the top of the charts on this day in 1986. Gays didn't care much for the record's now forgotten b-side - That's What Friends AREN'T For - featuring a Ronald Reagan sound-a-like imploring "you people" to "abstain from unprotected anal sex", over a military band's instrumental rendition of America the Beautiful.

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On this day in 1990, Washington DC mayor Marion Barry is arrested during a joint sting operation by the FBI and DC police. After being arrested, he is charged with drug possession and the use of crack cocaine. After trial, he was sentenced to six months in prison for possession. By 1994, Barry was back as mayor for an unprecedented fourth term. He remained mayor until 1999, when he retired and moved to the countryside where he lives to this day in a house made entirely out of crack.

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On this day in 1991, the United States government acknowledges the CIA had forked out over three hundred thousand dollars to Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega for a variety of services rendered. The American people momentarily wonder "Who?" - then shrug and go back to watching Dynasty or whatever the fuck mind-destroying crap was on TV back then.

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On this day in the year 1996, Scientology priestess and daughter of the King of Rock, Lisa Marie Presley files for divorce from Underoo-snorting King of Pop, Michael Jackson. You know, if two sweet kids like this can't make a go of it in this hard-boiled, workaday world, then what chance do any of us have?!

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 17

 

On this day in 1562, France recognizes the Protestant "Huguenots" by the Edict of Saint-Germain. No, not that Saint-Germain.

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On this day in 1873, a group of Modoc warriors defeats the United States Army in the First Battle of the Stronghold, part of the Modoc War. Holy crap... there was a Modoc War?! How come nobody told me?!

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On this day in 1893, a bunch of sugar plantation owners led by Sanford "Pineapple" Dole hire some mercenaries to overthrow Hawaii's Queen Liliuokalani, establishing a new "provincial" government with Dole as president. This coup had the indirect approval of the American government at the time, and 300 Marines based at Pearl Harbor took part. Later that same year, Congress refused to bring Hawaii in as an official protectorate, and president Grover Cleveland tried to restore Queen Liliuokalani to the throne. But Dole refused to step aside, proclaiming himself ruler of the Independent Republic of Hawaii. As long as it didn't affect the flow of sugar, Cleveland didn't give a fuck, so it was left to his successor, William McKinley, to negotiate a treaty after the base at Pearl Harbor proved to be so valuable during the Spanish American War. So now you know about Hawaii!

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On this day in 1929, Popeye the Sailor Man, a cartoon character created by Elzie Segar, first appears in the Thimble Theatre comic strip.

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On this day in 1945, Swedish diplomat and Jewish hero Raoul Wallenberg is taken into Soviet custody while in Hungary; he is never publicly seen again.

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On this day in 1961, U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower delivers a televised farewell address to the nation three days before leaving office, in which he warns against the accumulation of power by the military-industrial complex. You can watch his speech right now. If you haven't yet, you should. Meanwhile, over in the Congo, on this same day, former Congolese Prime Minister Patrice Lumumba is murdered in circumstances suggesting the support and complicity of the governments of Belgium and the CIA.

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On this day in 1977, convicted murderer Gary Gilmore is executed by a firing squad in Utah, ending a ten-year moratorium on capital punishment in the United States.

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On this day in 1984, the United States Supreme Court rules in the groundbreaking Sony versus Universal case. Sony wins by a 5-4 squeaker, and from that point on, you and I have been free to videotape programs off the television without fear of being arrested for copyright infringement. Just for the record, our current Supreme Court Chief Justice - ultraconservative Republican appointee William Rehnquist - voted against a citizen's right to videotape television programs.

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On this day in 1989, Patrick Purdy opens fire with an assault rifle at the Cleveland Elementary School playground in Stockton, California, killing five children and wounding 29 others and one teacher before taking his own life.

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On this day in 1991, Operation Desert Storm begins early in the morning. Iraq fires 8 Scud missiles into Israel in an unsuccessful bid to provoke Israeli retaliation.

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"We so solly!" On this day in 1992, during a visit to South Korea, Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa apologizes for forcing Korean women into sexual slavery during World War II.

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On this day in 1998, snivelling, closeted, pseudo-journalist and egg fetishist Matt Drudge "breaks" the story of the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair on his website The Drudge Report. And by "breaks the story", we mean he was fed the story by a very real, very active Vast Right Wing Conspiracy to bring down the Clinton Presidency by any means necessary. Watch the second chapter of the great Adam Curtis documentary The Power of Nightmares HERE to find out what REALLY happened.