Sunday, February 26, 2017

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 26


On this day in 747 BC, the origin of Ptolemy's Nabonassar Era... whatever that is.

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On this day in 1616, representatives from the Spanish Inquisition deliver an injunction to Galileo, instructing him to keep his mouth shut about all that "science" and "outer space" stuff. According to official documents in the Vatican archives, Galileo is currently writhing in an ever-burning oven down in Hell, ruing the day he decided to cross the Catholic Church by thinking for himself. But never forget, folks… God LOVES you!

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On this day in 1815, Napoleon Bonaparte escapes from Elba.

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On this day in 1848, Marx and Engels publish their Communist Manifesto. Chaos ensues.

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On this day in 1917, the Original Dixieland Jass Band records the first jazz record, for the Victor Talking Machine Company in New York.

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On this day in 1919, President Woodrow Wilson signs an act of the U.S. Congress establishing most of the Grand Canyon as a United States National Park - the Grand Canyon National Park.

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On this day in 1920, the first German Expressionist film and early horror movie, Robert Wiene's The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, receives its première in Berlin.

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On this day in 1926, Dark Street in the Bronx renamed Lustre Street. It changes nothing.

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On this day in 1930, the first ever red/green traffic lights are installed in Manhattan, New York. Hundreds of commuters perish in horrific head-ons as most drivers are hypnotized by the mysterious-yet-beautiful luminous street ornaments.

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On this day in 1935, Adolf Hitler orders the Luftwaffe to be re-formed, violating the provisions of the Treaty of Versailles.

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On this day in 1983. Michael "Jacko" Jackson's Thriller album claims the number one spot on the Billboard charts and remains there for an astonishing 37 weeks. Yer old pal Jerky figures the only reason this album was so successful is because Vincent Price makes a special guest vocal appearance on the title track.

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On this day in 1987, the Tower Commission rebukes President Ronald Reagan for not controlling his national security staff during the Iran-Contra affair.

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On this day in 1993, the World Trade Center is bombed by militant Islamic terrorists. 7 people die and scores are injured in the massive blast, which knocks away three floors of underground parking. If the explosion at the base of the Twin Towers had been just a little bit more powerful, it would have collapsed both buildings, most likely killing most of the estimated forty thousand workers, tenants and tourists who were in the building at the time.

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On this day in 1994, stand-up philosopher Bill Hicks dies of pancreatic cancer at the ripe old age of 33. The dissident Texan has been dead for a decade, and his words are more relevant now than ever before... almost prophetically so. See today's "Google This" for more details, and download some of his comedy routines off Kazaa or something, while you still can.

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On this day in 1998, Oprah Winfrey wins her "battle of the titans" when she beat a bunch of litigious Texas cattlemen who sued the BSE-freaked TV hostess for telling her millions-strong viewing audience she'd never eat another hamburger.

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On this day in 1999, Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) and Senator Robert Bennet (R-Utah) - ranking members of the Senate Special Committee on the Y2K Problem - went on CBS's Face the Nation and basically freaked out the entire panel. Of the then-looming Y2K disaster, the Senators said: "This is one of the most serious and potentially devastating events this nation has ever encountered." They claimed that the millennial chaos could include lives lost to malfunctioning medical equipment, erased banking records, massive blackouts and missiles from other countries automatically launching themselves. "Any responsible household would prepare and have on hand a two- or three-day supply." Eventually, of course, it was discovered that the whole Y2K thing was a load of hogshit devised by The Powers That Be to fuck up what would otherwise have been the ultimate New Year's Eve party of all fucking time. And, seeing as most people stayed home on the night of Dec 31, shotguns across their laps, ready to defend their 30-lb containers of Minute Rice and their bathtubs full of spring water, it looks like the party-pooping finger-sniffers succeeded.

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On this day in 2013, a hot air balloon crashes near Luxor, Egypt, killing 19 people.

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