Tuesday, January 3, 2017

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 3


On this day in 1521, rabble-rousing religious reformer Martin Luther is excommunicated from the Catholic Church, thus sparking the rise of the Protestant Heresy and putting into motion an inexorable chain of spiritual, political and intellectual cataclysms that would lead to the election of George Dubya Bush and, ultimately, the Apocalypse.

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On this day in 1870, construction of the Brooklyn Bridge begins.

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Despite the fact that the passageway leading to it was clearly labeled "Death Shall Come on Swift Wings To Him Who Disturbs the Peace of the King," on this day in 1924, British Egyptologist Howard Carter was the first modern man to lay eyes upon - then open - the sarcophagus of young King Tutankhamun. By 1929, eleven people connected with the discovery of the Tomb had died young, and of unnatural causes. [Cue Twilight Zone music here! - Jerky]

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Happy Fascism Day! It was on this day in 1925 that Benito Mussolini announced he was taking dictatorial powers over Italy.

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On this day in 1932, martial law is declared in Honduras to stop a revolt by banana workers fired by the United Fruit Company.

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On this day in 1938, the March of Dimes is established by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

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On this day in 1959, the great state of Alaska is welcomed into the union. After sulking for a few years, those testy Texans eventually recover from the humiliation of no longer being citizens of the biggest state on the block, salving their bruised egos with that old stand-by "size don't matter none." Which, of course, is a lie.

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On this day in 1961, the United States severs diplomatic relations with Cuba. One year later, on this day in 1962, Pope John XXIII excommunicates Fidel Castro.

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On this day in 1977, Apple Computer is incorporated. Now everybody's taking a bite.

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On this day in 1990, former leader of Panama Manuel Noriega surrenders to American forces.

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On this day in 1994, more than seven million people from the former Apartheid Homelands receive South African citizenship. And they all lived happily ever after.

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On this day in 2000, the last original weekday Peanuts comic strip is published roughly two and a half decades after the last original weekday Peanuts comic strip SHOULD have been published. Aw, don't mind me. I'm just grumpy that MY comic strips didn't reach the empyrean heights of Charlie Brown and the gang.

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