Tuesday, August 2, 2016

PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 2


On this day in 338 BC, a Macedonian army led by Philip II defeatS the combined forces of Athens and Thebes in the Battle of Chaeronea, securing Macedonian hegemony in Greece and the Aegean.

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On this day in 216 BC, the Carthaginian army led by Hannibal defeats a numerically superior Roman army under command of consuls Lucius Aemilius Paullus and Gaius Terentius Varro.

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Predating disco by about six centuries, the first-ever roller-skating rink opens in London, England, on this day in the year 1375.

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On this day in 1377, Russian troops are defeated in the Battle on Pyana River... because of drunkenness. Insert sad trombone note here.

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On this day in 1776, the signing of the United States Declaration of Independence takes place.

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On this day in 1790, the first US Census is conducted.

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On this day in 1932, the positron (antiparticle of the electron) is discovered by Carl D. Anderson.

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On this day in 1937, the Marihuana Tax Act of 1937 is passed in America, the effect of which is to render marijuana and all its by-products illegal.

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On this day in 1939, world-famous scientist Albert Einstein (and some dude named Leó Szilárd) write a letter to Franklin D. Roosevelt, urging him to begin the Manhattan Project to develop a nuclear weapon.

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On this day in 1990, after getting a green-light from U.S. ambassador April Glaspie, Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein orders his military to invade the tiny neighboring monarchy of Kuwait, using weapons supplied by the U.S. government. Then-President George Herbert Walker "Poppy" Bush gives his former best buddy Saddam the surprise of a lifetime by going on the TV and calling him a Hitler, vowing to protect Saudi Arabia and liberate Kuwait, by any means necessary. So America sets up base in Riyadh, near the Muslim holy city of Mecca, which severely pisses off Osama Bin Laden, a Saudi who'd been among the thousands trained and equipped by the C.I.A. to fight a terror war against Soviet troops in Afghanistan. The subsequent slaughter of Desert Storm - resulting in the deaths of over 25,000 Iraqi combatants and 200,000 Iraqi civilians - pisses off Osama even MORE. The rest, as they say, is an incredibly depressing, textbook case of BLOWBACK.

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On this day in 1991, funkadelic super-freak Rick James and his equally super-freaky girlfriend Manya Hijazi are arrested on sexual torture and kidnapping charges after one of their sex slaves escapes from their basement/sex dungeon. James was found guilty and was released in 1996, after which he began his second career as a regularly featured performer on tabloid TV "Where are they now?" segments. James, who died on August 6, 2004, is best remembered for his catch-phrase: "I'm Rick James, bitch!", which was actually coined by stand-up comic Dave Chappelle.

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